There are like a thousand different languages being spoken every day. In my office alone, there is English, Spanish, Japanese, Vietnamese, Korean, sarcasm, Texas drawl and the one I speak, Bitterness. Those are just the ones that I can think of. There is also the written languages that can be easily misinterpreted like email, texting, tweeting, Facebooking and LOLing(whatever that means). With so many rules, dialects and tones that come along with each of those languages as well as the the non-verbal language that I excel at, it is a miracle that we don’t misunderstand each other more. Though some days, it seems like two dogs sniffing each other’s bitter ends understand each other more than humans do. I watch the news and I don’t understand half the things they are talking about. I try to help my son do his first grade math and there is just a huge red question mark above my head. He usually has to explain it to me.
On the other hand, I speak a language called Bitter, with the sarcastic undertones and with a passive aggressive dialect. Most people have no clue what I am saying. I could use the right bitter tone, I could tell them I was kidding, I could even use the commonly known sarcastifont on an email and some people I know still wouldn’t get it. As the leading expert in the language of Bitter with sarcastic undertones and passive aggressive dialect, I thought about doing one of those translation dictionaries (a Bitter-Rest of the World Dictionary) to help explain my very specific language to most of the rest of you, but I am of course, really lazy. I have neither the time (laying on the couch takes a lot of my precious hours) nor the energy (again, most energy is devoted to not doing things).
I do have a moment to lay here and type up a few phrases that I use and how they should be translated correctly.
When making small talk, I might say, “Wow that’s really funny! (Add in awkward chuckle.)” Translation: “You are so unfunny, that laughing hyena’s had to be renamed Grumpy Cat.”
In a conversation I might say, “It’s really nice to meet you.” Translation: “I hope we never talk again and the memory of meeting you is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mined from my mind.”
You might say “Hi.” to me and I would say back to you, “Hi.” Translation: “You are the worst. For saying that word to me, you have forced me to know say hi back to you. I hope you get caught in a bathroom stall while the all three toilets are overflowing.”
You might say, “Wow, it’s really hot outside today, huh?” and I would say, “Yeah.” Translation: “Are we really talking about the weather? I hope I faint and do a Rumpelstiltskin on you, because falling asleep for 20 years would be more interesting than talking about the weather with you.”
You might say,”How was your weekend?” I would say, “It was fine.” Translation: “I spent all weekend doing my best to forget you in the hopes that you wouldn’t be here today and ask me how my weekend was. Clearly, getting amnesia still wasn’t enough to get you to forget about me and here I am talking about my weekend with you. Leave, now!”
You might say, “Hey, I know you are really busy, but could you help me with something really quick?” I say, “Actually, I was just headed to lunch. But when I get back, sure.” Translation: “You better pray that you forget that you ever asked me to do anything for you ever. After all I’ve already done for you (showed up to work), so help me if you remember that I said I would help you, I will get Voldemort himself to cast the Cruciatus Curse upon you until you never bother me again.”
You might say, “Hey, we’ll talk to you later!” and I would say, “Okay,” Translation: “Nope. I will go full on James Bond meets John McClane meets Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to make sure we never talk again. I will spend 20 hours painting my self in cubicle colored camouflage just to hide from you.”
While there are many more phrases that you would have learned had I had any sort of ambition to make the Bitter-Rest of the World Dictionary, you guys just can’t pay me enough money to do one. Translation: “This is a stick up! Get down on the ground and throw down all your passwords and bank account numbers, or your Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram account will be highjacked!”
Besides, I’ve always been about miscommunication, disharmony and discord, and translating all my words for you would create some sort of way for you weirdos to “come together for a common cause,” and we just can’t have that.
ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH
Bitter Translatador Ben
Bitter Ben, you have outdone yourself here! Loved this post! I laughed so hard and bitterly too. Thanks!! 😀
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I revel in misunderstanding and miscommunication, but some of these things needed to be translated.
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Is there a Bitter for “since I can’t do anything more until I get your comments on the draft then I’ll just be over here waiting and staring at you”?
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Yes, but you will have to buy the bitter dictionary, so you will just need to wait a little longer.
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I caught one thing, you said your son has to help you with his homework. I babysit, and the kids help me do their homework more than I help them do it.
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I guess the kids are smarter when it comes to being good at math. Either that or they forced it down their throats earlier. I don’t ever remember the kinds of math they are making them do now.
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Me either but I was never the one with my hand up in math class.
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I was always the one hiding in the back of class.
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Do you have any audio books for sale that could help me practice sarcasm so I can speak it more conversationally?
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If you have tons of money, then I have just the right audiobook for you. It will take a few months to produce, but you are bitter patient right?
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I have a PhD. in Sarcasm. We all know you’re a sweetheart and a softie at heart…..*shifts eyes*…but you didn’t hear it from me! Btw. I’m still waiting…hopefully in a couple weeks…for you know….something sparkly. LOL. 😛
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Then I think you are going to have to come up with some phrases for my dictionary, Dr. Java Girl. I hope that we hear something soon from Mr. Boyfriend, soon to be Fiance.
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You know, if I assume that my clients are speaking Bitter to me, their behavior makes a LOT more sense.
I’m just their auditor who is like a persistent mosquito bite that won’t stop scratching no matter what they do – why don’t they like me?
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Edit: ITCHING. Won’t stop ITCHING. Blah.
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You should assume that everyone is speaking bitter to you. You should definitely speak it back to them. You just need to make sure you are using the right tone and they will understand right back.
And just so you know, and don’t this personally, but auditors make me bitter. They always make me do what I say I was gonna do and I don’t like that. And I also have a mosquito bite right now that you are making me itch because you just talked about it. ARRRGGGHHH!
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If I have to explain my sarcasm to someone, I wish for bad things to happen to them (LOL JKJK gurl)
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I work with a few people that have broken sarcasm detectors and when I have to explain it them, I want to pull out what little hair I have.
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Did you catch the eye roll?
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Yes, of course I caught the eye roll. I am indeed an expert of the eye roll and in fact you predicted the future. I will be writing about eye rolls tomorrow. Congrats on that, Nostradamus or however you spell your name!
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I’ll get right on that. hehehe
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That is really kind of you to start working up the Bitter-Everyone Else dictionary. Just remember where the royalties should be going.
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Bitter ends. XD
Also, I’ve been pushing for sarcastic font for about . . . ten years or so. No joke. I wish it was really a thing.
I can’t remember if we’ve talked about Parks and Recreation before. Do you watch that?
I feel like there was something else I was going to say about this, but I can’t remember what it was. Lacking coherency . . .
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Bitter ends. Nice way of saying a dog’s behind.
The only reason I wouldn’t lobby for a sarcastifont is because then I wouldn’t be able to make fun of the people I make fun of sarcastically that don’t get it. If you know what I mean. Did that make any sense?
I have only watched a few Parks and Rec, but I did the tone of the show and I know most of the characters pretty well. I have to say that April is my favorite because bitter. Maybe you will remember when your coherentcy comes back. Is that another non word?
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LoL, it was a SUPER nice way of saying a dog’s behind.
Yeah, I know what you mean there. I don’t know that your concern with sarcastic font would ever be a concern with me. It would PROBABLY clear up a lot of the things that I say.
April isn’t my favorite on there. Mostly because her ‘bitterness’ can turn into ‘bit**’. When it’s not overdone, I think it’s hilarious. And I have to admit that I relate to her ‘I hate everything’ way of being.
Did I typo coherency? Oops.
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When it comes to saying things, I always try to take a different way. That’s what makes us unique as writer’s right? That one just kind of came to me (about the dogs).
It would definitely clear up things, but sometimes, I don’t want things to be clear. Especially when I can make fun of someone that doesn’t get my sarcastic humor.
Who is your favorite on there? You have to admit April is right up my bitter ally though right? And her hate everything, definitely also my thing too.
Did you typo coherency? HAHA.
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Very funny Bitter Ben, but you can’t fool me. You love it when I come here and make witty and sarcastic remarks about your bitter posts. Especially when you’re asking everyone to leave you alone.
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I’m a lot like Grumpy Cat in that way. Regardless of how much I ask people to leave me alone, they just keep asking me stuff and responding to things.
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Oh, Bitter Ben, you have feelings, you want to be loved. You even look at your stats.
You do kind of look like grumpy cat, though. In the lower face.
I laughed out loud at this post. You could be my translator. If I could afford you, you could just walk behind me and translate the benign things I say to crappy people all day.
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Of course I have feeling, bitter feelings. I want to be feared. I look at my stats because I’m bitter that not everyone in the world is reading my blog. I’ve even provided a translation to a few things, with no promise of ever giving any new translations. I’m what Grumpy cat would look like if he were human. I’m bitter you can’t afford me to translate, because I need a job that isn’t this one.
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After sneaking drool not use in to shower.
Yes, I remember receiving instructions on products from China before the Chinese could speak English better than we do. 🙂
I’m bitter about that.
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I remember when China was just a tiny country with like 900,000 people that only pirated movies. Now they are dominated people in the Olympics?
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It’s been a true joy reading this…
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Are you confusing joy with bitterness? Cause when I read it, I felt nothing but bitter.
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Nope just a little sarcastic humour
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You forgot to use your sarcastifont, so I didn’t recognize it as such.
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I’m clever aren’t I?
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Either that or you pick up languages really fast.
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I just might. 😉
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You better learn some new languages so you can provide my Bitterspeak in other languages.
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Well I know a little sign language and I don’t mean the middle finger although that could be considered too.
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That is often the only sign language that people will use with me. Especially when I am driving slowly because I have a text or tweet I’m doing.
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Oh man you’re funny! I can see why they might use it with you.
If so close your hand together in a fist, stick your thumb up and do circles with your thumb. This is the actual sign language for “asshole” (You’re doing it now aren’t you?)
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So texting and driving is a bad thing? I don’t ever see any signs around denouncing them. (Of course, that is because I only occasionally keep my eyes on the road.)
Yes, I’m doing it right now. And my boss is not aware of that particular sign so I’m good.
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It is a bad thing and there are warnings everywhere!
I’m laughing at the thought of you doing that sign right now and in the coming days!
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Maybe I will look up from texting sometime so I can take a picture of the sign and instagram it. That is a great idea, Gibber!
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Glad I uh..came up with that?
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How do you say ‘I think you mean Rip Van Winkle and not Rumpelstiltskin’ in Bitterspeak?
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It’s “Thank you so much for letting me know about my stupid mistake. I feel so dumb and my sincerest apologies for making such an unforgivable error.” I think you know the translation.
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“Hi”
(sneaky snicker)
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“It’s really nice to meet you!”
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Hi! That was really funny! Hey, we’ll talk to you later!
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And it is really nice to meet you!
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Hey, don’t get fresh with me!
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You need to touch on your BitterSpeak, rockandrollsupermom.
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