Welcome to the first bi-annual, monthly weekly conference for Bitter Workaholics Anonymous.  I am your keynote speaker, Bitter Ben, and I am a non-recovering non-workaholic. I do my best at work to only focus on the things that are most important at work.  Blogging, browsing of the internet, games, texting and catching up on my personal life.  If those kinds of things can’t be done at work, I don’t know what can. Let me just tell you how much talking and thinking and doing actual work at your place of employ can be a real strain on your life.  There has been a rise of late in the workplace of people doing actual work in the workplace and as a non-workaholic, I find that is disturbing trend.  We need to stop this problem before people become too involved with work requirements and “job satisfaction”.  We cannot allow people to come to work ready to go.  We must have workers that are less prepared.

 

My co-workers have learned a lot from me. For instance, they are becoming way more efficient at calling in for sick days, showing up late, making personal calls, taking long lunches and bathroom breaks, and in general, are really good at avoiding the loud ringing on their work phones.  When they do answer it though, they have learned with passive aggressive glee how to answer the phone with a bitter tone.

A non-workaholics job is always done.  We must be hyper non-vigilant and never aware of things we can do to make our days and the days of others less productive. You may be a chill non-workaholic like me, but you haven’t achieved the highest status of chill, until you are making all the people around you so miserable in their work that they just can’t take it anymore.  Here are some things you can do to help you or your co-workers overcome their workaholism.

1. You must be in complete nial(opposite of denial) of your condition as a non-workaholic. If you know you are a non-workaholic, then you are trying a little too hard to understand your condition, or you are too far into your google searching at work.  Take a step back and start at the beginning.  If you get desperate, Google cat videos and go from there.

2. Lunch time is a sanctuary from all the non-work you have been doing.  Take a step away from your desk and go somewhere to get some fresh air.  Get away from computer, and the constantly ringing phone you are avoiding and possibly use it as an excuse to go home for the day.

3. Have a hobby at work. If you are a blogger, don’t ever do any blogging at home.  Save all your drafting, posting, publishing, reader, commenting and liking for worktime hours.  Reader is a really good way to kill time when all of your other favorite sites have been exhausted.

4. Vacation planning.  The best place for vacation planning is at work.  Whenever you get work, start off by looking at the exact amount of hours you have for vacation. Check the calendar for available days.  Peruse the travel sites for the worst deals on time shares, book the most dangerous planes, find the most non-refundable and highest priced rates.  Go somewhere that no one would ever expect.  Minot, ND or Yukon Territories for Christmas, Phoenix, AZ or the Gobi desert for your summer fun.

5. Personal calls.  Make sure your family, friends and even distant relatives know your work number and the times at work that you are the busiest.  That is the time for them to call.  When on calls make sure you focus on the most innane subjects.  Talk about your kids messiness, talk in great detail about your worst vacation experiences, and most important talk about how boring work is and how they are just working you to the bone.  Make sure to project your voice when doing so, so all in the vicinity can be bitter, jealous and angry that you are avoiding all those work calls you should be taking.

6. Learn to say no.  The higher up in the company you can go with that the better.  Make sure you tell your boss no on a regular basis.  You may have had to work 6 hours for 3 days in a row, and your boss might come by to ask when you will be making that up.  Just say no.  “I think I’ll pass this week. I’m just not feeling it.”

7. Make sure you are macromanaging your job.  Talk in terms of “future” and “long term” and not today, but definitely in the next year or so.  Make sure you broaden your goals to extend things out as long as you can.

8. Constantly overbook.  Your kids dentist appointments should be at just the right time of day that you need to leave for the day.  Noon is too early, and might coincide with lunch.  Try 2:00 pm.  Early enough in the day where you have a way short day, but late enough where “there is no possible way I can make it back on time.”

9. Computer problems.  If you have a virus at home that you can send on to the old work computer, do it.  You might not be able to go about your usual google searching for the day, but it will cause you to “not be able to work” and a chance to leave your desk for important things like “Let’s Make a Deal” in the break room.

10. Have a smart phone at work.  This provides you with endless excuses to rush out of your cubicle at a moment’s notice, while looking like you are doing something important. You got an “important text” that you need to take.  It might look like a family crisis, when it is really an updated requested for Subway Surfer.

As an expert at non-workaholism, I urge you to look at your workday.  Where can you make simple changes in your day to avoid work more effectively? How can you cause your co-workers more pain? How can you drive down productivity in your office?  There are some simple hints, but there are so many more things you can do.  I want you to look around and think about what you can do to really make a change towards not changing, not doing, not moving forward.

What are some things you can think of to be less productive? Let me know in the comments of things I can avoid doing.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitterly Unproductive Ben