My retirement facility, Bitter Lake.
I know I look pretty old for a 41 year old, but that’s because I’m really only 6. I have lived a hard life of eating food, laying on the couch and pretending to type things at work to make them think I’m working. Ever since I was young, I’ve always wanted to be older. I’m not just talking 20, I mean 90. I’m talking beyond the golden years and straight to the Gandalf the White haired years. Who wants to go through all the pain of learning how to eat, and crawl, then walk, then run, then jump, then talk, then go to school and do well just so you can graduate from high school, just so you can go to college, just so you can go to a job for 40 years so you can finally be too old for work and retire? Besides, when I was young, I figured they would have passed me right through, because I was a superhero that saved the world at least seven times. Here are the many reasons why I want skip the young and middle ages and go straight to old and retired.
I want my 401K, pension, social security, my inheritance and my golden parachute just so I can blow them on all kinds of stupid things like jet planes I will crash, cars I will fall asleep at the wheel of and mansions I will forget the keys for, then get lost in. You only get old once.
Out for my morning shuffle.
I want to be able to shuffle around in my slippers and pajamas all day, with crazy hair, and a lost blank expression on my face.
I want to finally figure out the mysteries of shuffleboard, backgammon and lawn bowling.
I want to sit on a porch being crotchedy, bitter and old. I want to be ignored by the neighborhood kids when I yell at them to “get off my lawn” even thought the lawn is dead yellow stalks of wheat that haven’t been cut in years. I want the neighborhood kids to have a challenge to go by “Old Man Bitter Ben’s” yard and escape without getting yelled at. I want to be the house that no kid ever wants to Trick or Treat at because his house is scarier in the day than most people’s at night. And I want to be the one that they talked about because “once he put a razor blade in some kids candy”.
I’ll stare. I don’t care.
I want to apply for a job as a greeter at Walmart. I want to pretend to be the friendliest guy ever when they hire me, then as soon as I start, mumble passive aggressive insults to customers as they enter, just enough to where they know they heard me say it, but not enough to prove it. I want everyone that goes into Walmart to feel uncomfortable, bitter, upset and crankier when they leave than when they got there. Then, just when they open the doors for Black Friday, walk off the job, never to return, never even to pick up my paycheck.
I want to live in a retirement facility where people have to take care of me. I will constantly be buzzing the nurses, asking for more outrageous things than a celebrity rider and demand they be done quickly. Then when they arrive at my house to give me my demanded items, fall asleep for hours.
Going mall walking.
I want to wear a hearing aid so visitors think I can’t hear them, so I make them repeat things louder and louder, then fall asleep and make them think they can leave, then wake up and repeat to them all the bitter things they were saying about me when they thought I was asleep.
I want to make my grandkids listen to my boring stories about life “before the Ipad and the time machine and flying cars” and how we only had laptop computers and the internet.
I want to have a cabinet full of legal prescription drugs that many would be envious of, but would never be able to take from me.
I want to make up words and convince people that they are real and they should start using “proper words in their correct context”.
I want to be able to ride the scooters at grocery stores, then pretend that I’m playing bumper cars with other grocery store patrons. Whoops…
I want to be able to go to a movie and only pay $11.75 with my senior discount and rub it in the face of people that had to pay $20.
I want to sit in an outdoor tub, but alone and not with someone else.
I want to chosen to become a model for the cover of AARP, then become unreasonable and force them to get a bitter old man picture.
And most of all…..aslkfj;laskjdfalksfdjasf
Sorry I fell asleep. Did I miss Jeopardy?
ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH
Bitter Old Man Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
Laughing here.. I’m retired and I’m still not at any of the stage of the Golden Years. I’m busier now than when I was young and working for a living! So, I hope you are not disappointed when you finally get there. 🙂 Great post!
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I know for sure that I will be bitterly disappointed when I retire. Because I will probably be living on the streets and hoping that someone will change my diaper.
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You need a therapy dog. A very slow therapy dog. Love your blog.
Junior,
Therapy dog With Opinions
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Does the dog do half hour sessions or full? I’ve never had therapy with a dog before, but they sound like better therapists than my lame one.
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Ummm, first off, this post is effing hilarious. Also, I witnessed an old woman in the Taiwan airport fall going up the escalator almost exactly like the gif you posted except there were a bunch or people behind her and instead of holding her up, they all fell down like dominoes. OMG so funny (no one was hurt).
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I always like to pretend to be helpful when someone falls, but pretty much am laughing inside. I expect everyone else to laugh at me when I fall too.
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Funny! I always said I was going to be that grouchy old man that hits kids on the head with his cane. I just know it will happen sooner than later. I never wished to be that old now.. haha
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I’ll definitely be the bitter old man. I can wait to be angry at kids for being on my lawn and making nurses bring things to me.
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I already want to retire….I’m just 18. I know how you feel.
Middle and young ages are overrated
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Well, all I gotta tell you is skip the middle ages. You get all the stesses and none of the benefits.
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Why would you yell at children to get off your lawn? They’re clearly only there to teach you lawn bowling as you so fervently desire!
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Yelling at kids when you are old is one of the perks! I am kind of a young old right now, so I need to get practice for when I get really old, bitter and cranky!
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Man, you almost had me convinced that I should skip my 20s and head straight to Golden Girls auditions…but I think I won’t. I am tempted to write a post about why I want to be in my 20s, but I will refrain because my reasoning is pure vanity. Funny post as always! But I’m bitter…because again, I did not think of it first. Your blog sucks…but only because I am bitter.
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Who care if you write a post about being in your 20’s because it is vain? Write it because you want to, not because other people might call you vain. You are always welcome to steal my ideas and make them your own. I do the same to other bloggers and it happens all the time. And I appreciate you telling me my blog sucks so I can have another reason to be bitter! HAAH
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love it!
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I see from your blog that you are in the Northwest. I also live here in the bitterly high priced Northwest. I’ve been wanting to leave here for a while (though I like it here for the most part) just haven’t been able to find a job elsewhere. Good luck in your radioing!
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I’m with ya! Let’s just do it now and see if they stop us!
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My goals are big. Working at Walmart for a day is pretty ambitious.
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You have described some ideal days. No old person could fall asleep, watch jeopardy, be taken care of., make the grandchildren listen to stories and sit in a hot tub alone all in one day.
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I don’t plan on doing all that in one day. I’m going to spread out my bitterness over many years. (That is if I live that long.)
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You dream big!
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I dream bitter!
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big bitter
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Just a heads up, you’re question is up tomorrow on my blog. 😉
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Alright! My 15 minutes of fame. I should probably prepare for all my autograph requests and movie scripts being handed my way.
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Yes you should! Can you handle such a busy day?
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It’s Friday, so I will do my best to manage ignoring work as much as possible. I just hope this question doesn’t make the ladies throw darts or shoes at me.
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Well wear a helmet just in case. And yes rest today, you’ll need too!
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I forgot my helmet.
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Uh oh!
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Ben, this was brilliantly funny–thanks for the laughs. I’ll watch out for your ilk in Wal-Mart.
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You better come in quick to Walmart, cause I won’t last long there.
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I want to wear diapers and drink prune juice and whiskey. But ya, I want my inheritance (sooner rather than later).
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That is only the beginning of how lazy I would be if I was older.
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The fsdkfhsdjh got me. Also, Jeopardy is good. I mean, not that I watch it. Only bits here and there on the very rare occasion.
Now I want to watch Lord of the Rings, so thanks for that. I’ve actually been thinking about those movies for about two months. I guess it’s time for a re-watch.
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I know Jeopardy is good. As an old person, I watch all kinds of shows that put me to sleep. Or it could be that I am old that I fall asleep. Sorry to make you think of Lord of the Rings.
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I’m never unhappy to be thinking about Lord of the Rings. 😀
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People may want to slay me for this (you might even) but I’ve never been a fan of Lord of the Rings. Never read the book, only saw the first one and unfortunately, watched the extended boring edition on DVD. From then on, started calling it Lord of the Borings. I know how much people really love it (especially you) but just couldn’t muster any love for it. Sorry.
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You’re not the only person I’ve met that wasn’t a Lord of the Rings fan. (One of my best friends doesn’t like it, but then again . . . I don’t think he’s ever watched one bit of any of them.)
If it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing. That doesn’t bother me, as long as you don’t act like I’m stupid for liking it (which I know you wouldn’t do, at least not seriously). 🙂
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Nope I would never make you feel bad about that. I’m pretty sure if I proclaimed that I didn’t too loudly I would start a riot in the streets of Renton and my house would be burned to the ground.
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and you cannot wait to yell, ‘get off of my lawn!!!’ to any living creature that dare step foot or paw on your green acres.
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My acres wouldn’t be green but I would definitely be like Clint Eastwood in Gran Turino. I could probably have played that guy, except for the getting along with the neighbor thing.
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Well, what really matters is that you’re old at heart. By the way, something tells me that you and my grandfather would have gotten along just fine.
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I know right? Mostly because my heart has been exposed to cholesterol and bitter foods its whole life. I think me and your grandfather wouldn’t get along perfectly fine. If we are both bitter, then we would repel each other even more. ARRRRGGGGHHH!
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Maybe if you both had your hearing aids turned down…
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We would still be yelling at each other at the top of our lungs, annoying other people.
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Annoying other people…I thought that was the point.
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The more, the better.
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“I want everyone that goes into Walmart to feel uncomfortable, bitter, upset and crankier when they leave than when they got there.” Mission accomplished. BTW, the fact that you and Pharrell are the same age, and yet he has smooth, supple, cocoa buttery untarnished skin should make you bitter.
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All I need to do is look even more ridiculous in my ranger hat and sing my song, “I’m so Bittttteerr” and I can be the old, unsucessful, ugly, white version of Pharell.
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Yes! You’re up all night to get unlucky.
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I’m so old, up all night means going to bed when the sun goes down in December, so like 4 pm.
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Almost-dead wrong on this one; looking forward to these things helps keep me going. You must have been reading my napping mind.
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I do a good nap reading mind impression. It appears as if I am reading your mind, but I am actually taking a nap upright.
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All of that sounds fantastic to me. Especially the Walmart greeter part. It’s the perfect job for me. Will you grow immediately old with me, Bitter Ben?
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I’m already old. I just need my body to catch up. I think I will go apply for a job at Wal-Mart as a greeter to practice.
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It’s never too early.
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Except if it is 4 am. That is too early.
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True. You’ll have to make sure your hours are to your liking before you take the job.
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Any hour that I am working is unacceptable.
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Where do I sign up for this program? My ink well and quill pen are ready to go in my shaking old hand…
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If you can show me a shaky signature that I can’t read because I’ve lost my sight, you’re in. Step into my old person machine maker.
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Being a Curmudgeon is good. Mall walking while being in a curmudgeon-y mood is even better. Wear super white shoes with velcro straps and light blue pants with a white belt. You’ll fit right in.
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As much as my bitter mall walking, curmudgeon-y, white shoe wearing, light blue with a white belt outfit wearing self would fit in, I’m not going to do it. I’m going to be a lonely old man.
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