The Bitter Truth about My Stats

/ bensbitterblog
I hate to burst your bubble, but sometimes stats lie.

I hate to burst your bubble, but sometimes stats lie.

I bid you a bitter welcome, Bittertarians. Or Bittermaliens. Or Bitter people? I’m not sure what to call you, but you bitter come up with something, because it makes me bitter not knowing what to call you.  I’m putting on my Professor Bitter Ben hat so I can be your boring lecturereer for the today.  Let’s talk some statistics.  I know. I dread them so much that when I was in COLLEGE (Yes I went to college.  They were happy to take my money.), I took a stats class by one of the biggest jerks in our entire school, maybe even the world (I don’t remember if he was in the World’s Biggest Jerk finals with me, cause I’m a jerk and didn’t acknowledge any of the other jerks there.) and ended up getting a 10% FOR THE ENTIRE CLASS.  He gave us 11% just to fill out our names on the test, so I probably even spelled my name wrong, but that is besides the point.  What I am trying to say is I don’t like stats.  How they work, how they relate to me at all, whatsoever, how they are added together, nothing.  I see the stats on my Page and while some of them are impressive, mostly they don’t mean much.  Let me give you a fer instance.

At this moment in time it tells me I have 5103 BLOG followers (meaning WordPressians) and I have 5,600 total followers (which include my Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, etc.).  You might look at that many that I have and feel envious, and you should be. But I’ve worked hard to obtain this many followers, including bribery (my parents and family) shaming people, guilting people, blackmailing people and pretending to like people. And I’ve also written over 400 posts. I don’t know if you know this, but I have barely ever even done anything in my life 400 times. Brush my teeth? Maybe. I’ve been a fan of the San Antonio Spurs for over 26 years and I don’t think I’ve watched 400 games in that many years.  Work? I’ve probably been to work 400 times, but I doubt I’ve actually worked that many hours total AT work.

When my Bitter Lecturer starts talking to me about stats and loyalty.

When my Bitter Lecturer starts talking to me about how he “only” has 5000 followers.

So here is what makes me bitter about ONLY 5000 followers. Do you have any idea how little percentage of the entire world 5000 is? .0000007142857%. If you figure there are 7 billion people on planet earth, not only am I not getting a passing grade, I’m not even getting an Z-, which means I’m way worse at blogging then I was on that statistics class. See how bitter it makes me that there are only 5000 of you?

Bitter Ben Merch? Where do I get some of that?

Bitter Ben Merch? Where do I get some of that?

And of those 5000+ none of you are loyal.  Alright some of you may claim you are, but you aren’t.  Sure you may read every post from the time you started following me, but have you read all my posts? I’m not statistician, but it didn’t take me long to figure that not one of you have read all 400 posts.  Not my mom, not my wife, not my kids, and not one of you.  I haven’t even read them all, as you can tell by the all the mistakes in editing.  And that’s just reading the posts.  Have you purchased any of my bitter blog T-shirts? Went to any Bitter Ben restaurants? Bought the books, or read the magazine, or seen the TV show or the YouTube channels or watched The Bitter Entertainment Network, or bought any Ben’s Bitter Chocolate Bars, or bought my album on Itunes, or stock in BBB Incorporated? Have you stalked me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or at my house yet? Have you started a Bitter Ben Fanclub? I barely less annoying than Justin Beiber and he has millions of followers on all those things. If you’re not even one of those things,  how can I consider you a loyal follower?

Don’t go hitting unsubscribe either, because you may not be a loyal follower, but I am an incredibly great stalker.  I know where all of your blogs live.  If you even think about it, I will leave a positive comment on your blog that will destroy your blog’s credibility, because everyone knows, you don’t want nice comments from me. In fact, in my mind, I just saw someone think about it, and their blog was shut down, their Facebook was cancelled by Zuckerberg himself, and their Twitter has become a ghost as we speak.

I hate when people wake me up when I'm trying to sleep while driving.

I hate when people wake me up when I’m trying to sleep while driving.

I see that I just passed 20,000 comments, which is a very poor showing by you guys, especially considering that I did half those.  And your views of ONLY 73,000+, a joke.  I have viewed 70,000 just this morning, though I have to admit most of those 70,000 things were the back of my eyelids and the red and blue lights of the cops behind me while I was driving while viewing the back of my eyelids.  Some cops are so picky about the awareness of people while driving.  I swear, some cops.  At this point, I am disgusted by how few of you listening to my lecture.  Just go back to sleep, you slackers.  I’ve got work to avoid and I don’t have time to babysit you anymore.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Bad Statistician Ben

110 thoughts on “The Bitter Truth about My Stats”

  1. Pingback: Bitter Comments and Commenter of the Year | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. Reading this post over makes me envious, because I nearly have 100 posts, yet I have a little over 100 followers. And then to make it even worse, I read an article of a guy complaining about only having 5000 followers. I mean, good for you, I guess. 😦

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  5. O.M.Gosh – you sound just like the bitter guy that lives in my head who I have to argue with all the time. I too have complained bitterly about the minute percentage of the earth ‘s population that I am reaching with my writing and am intensely discouraged to discover that my obvious talent has done little to offset my obvious need for an editor. In fact, after 800 posts, not one editor or publishing house has ever even stepped forward to offer their services. It’s like I’m invisible out here!

    If they would just order my self-published books, they would discover that, when paid, I am capable of editing my own writing to the level required to get a B on a college level term paper. All by myself, in fact. Which is a feat that ought to be viewed as very much akin to Joe Biden overcoming stuttering. A reason to overlook the fact that perhaps being able to spit out what you think at will isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be. Except it totally is because I once wrote a post on the spirituality of poop, from a biblical perspective and it was so convincing that no one even tried to condemn me for it.

    Anyhow, thanks for the chance to take my bitter guy out for some air today. My family hates it when I lose control of him and actually let him talk on his own. He’s kind of a nut, apparently. As I’m sure you are aware, I found this post because I was stalking you after you liked my post. (I would totally insert a hyperlink right here so others could share in the joy, but I’m too lazy to do it. Plus, it makes me look needy. Which I totally am, but it’s not really the foot I like to lead with. And I’m lazy.) Normally, I would pretend that I hadn’t been here, because I think it might make me look needy. So you should feel honored that I took the time to comment. All the most successful bloggers say that they feel that way, so maybe that’s like a key to success or something. I’m just passing it on, one bitter blogger to another. 😉

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    • I appreciate you taking the time to stalk my blog. I normally stalk others to make them feel so uncomfortable that they almost have to follow my blog just so I will go away. I see it finally worked with you. If you are ever ashamed of letting bitter guy out, always feel free to leave your comments here, as they will fit right in and your family will never be able to find it here. Then you can go ahead and post about flowers and stuff on your blog so your family will think you are a responsible and positive blogger. I am thinking I need to read your blog about poop and also be your publishing house. You would be my first author. So, all you need to do is…pay me $5000 to start and then your career will be off to the races!

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      • See, now I know you’re full of shit. Today was your first time stalking me. I would have noticed you before. I used to check my stats page like 6 times an hour some days. I used it to train myself to tolerate the bitterness of defeat. And to practice writing an essay nearly identical to yours in my head. I mean, maybe it’s slipped out a time or two, but you’d have to actually be reading all my posts to pick up on it. Otherwise, I’m sure someone would have said something about my repeated references to a bible verse about a dildo by now. (Statistics are not the only measure by which one can nurture the bitter blogger, as I am sure you well know.) At any rate, thanks again for your kind offer. I just wanted to make it clear that I knew you were full of shit. All the best! -R

        (If you have to ask if I am kidding, you don’t understand me well enough to be reading this and should stop listening in on other people’s conversations. Yes that’s my version of cya. Because this is the internet – I never forget that I’m being watched out here. It’s like we Christians always say – you can never be too careful when you know you’re being watched. We’re very meta-aware that way.)

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        • How could you have possibly noticed me stalking you? You think that stats can help you detect my presence on your site? I’m a ninja of blog stalking! Please continue to write those bitter essays and submit them to me, so I can plagurize them and use them to my bitter advantage! I know I’m being watched by others, unfortunately it isn’t publishers, or agents, but spambots that advertise stuff like Muscle Milk in hopes that I will publish their comment and get some free advertising on my sight. Now if they wanted to pay me, I would pretend I used Muscle Milk every day!

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        • If it would help I have a fan I can send over who leaves long comments composed of quotes by church fathers, Rumi, Catholic intellectuals and other smart people like ourselves that nobody has ever heard of. I’m sure she can do wonders for your levels of reader interaction, just like she did for mine.

          I also have a reader who writes a spanking blog. Another bitter blogger warned me that he was going to spam me, but it didn’t actually happen. So I’m assuming he just wants the read the very best in Christian theology and scholarship as he seeks to live out the “safe, sane and consensual” tenants of his people. So, I wouldn’t be too quick to write off the Muscle Milk guy. Unless he’s from the Asian subcontinent. Then he’s probably a front for someone selling sunglasses, tennis shoes or specialized tech services. But you never know – slap a snazzy picture on the post and maybe he’ll pause to glance at what you’ve written and become a fan. Or at least that’s what this cheerleader I know tells me. I’ve been thinking about calling out spanking blog guy just to let him know I’ve noticed him and he’s welcome in my Upside Down World (see what I did there?).

          Oh and if I can offer a little advice, stalking doesn’t really work unless you allow yourself to be seen. Unless you happened to read my post on how I stalk my own readers and that’s the plagiarism you are referring to. Which is fine, although in court you’d probably want to call it “imitation” or “inspiration” or refer to me as your mysterious muse or something. I mean, not that I’m petty like that or anything, but you did admit to it in writing. And I’ve already endured too much betrayal in life. I do have a right to look out for my own best interests, after all.

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        • I did accept some money to put in a link for a washing machine once. It was a little weird and spammy, but no one ever clicks through my links anyways, so I figured $50 to spend on weed was totally worth betraying my already unloyal, heartless readers. Well, I think some of them might just be on the autism spectrum or love someone who is, so it would be unfair to ascribe such ill intent to these people who tweet most of my blog posts to their 65 twitter followers on a pretty regular basis. Anyways, I was kidding about the weed, of course. You can’t buy weed with paypal. I did once try to use it to order Domino’s for online delivery to a homeless pregnant mom I know. They wouldn’t take it either. But still, it was totally worth it, I’m sure.

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        • I have sent out posts without titles to my followers on repeated occasions. I also have a story for everything. I find it helps me demonstrate that I understand them. Thank you for sharing your experience with those tweeters. I like to think that they were just so super-excited about my writing that they had to share it with someone and so they did what they could, knowing that in God’s hands nothing goes to waste and one day we’ll all be honored in the Kingdom for trusting God to provide the increase. Because sometimes, that’s just all you have to hang onto. I’ve been there. I get it. Keep up the good fight, Bitter Blogger friend. Keep up the good fight.

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        • Oh – and about your kind offers to help me with my publishing endeavors, I’m already in talks with a Nigerian who has contacts in their version of the Christian publishing industry about making my books available in Nigeria. I don’t know if you know this, but Nigeria was recently named “The Most Christian Country in the World”. I think we might be well placed to make a splash in the emerging markets there. Which would be totally great. I could still make some nice money but I wouldn’t have people stopping me for autographs in the grocery store. So, I’m praying on it. I have a really good feeling about it, actually. I mean you have to be careful about scammers, but there are some real opportunities in foreign markets. It could well be that American Christians are just too ungodly to appreciate my message. We don’t really have a great track record with such things, after all. IJS.

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        • Actually, I say it because it sounds ridiculous enough to be funny, but it’s the truth. I have a small group of Nigerian Christians who I’ve gotten to know and I just sent the one who works in publishing files of my books today. Wish me luck!

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      • Oh – and here’s my link to the post on poop. Since you mentioned it and all. I mostly just wanted to be able to tell people that I had written a theological treaties on poop. Sometimes I do things just to amuse myself.

        http://theupsidedownworld.com/2011/12/26/the-theology-of-poop/

        BTW, have you met Insecurity Girl? She likes to hang out with Bitter Guy. The stories I could tell about those two! My therapist says I might want to consider doing something about them. Well, that’s what I imagine my therapist would say if I had money to see her. My insurance is all jacked up. Thanks Obama.

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        • I will read your post on poop, but only once as I have two kids that talk about it constantly and I don’t want to hear about it any more than I already do. If you are amusing yourself, then someone else may be amused. Possibly even me.
          I haven’t met Insecurity Girl yet, but I’m sure I will see one of her posts eventually. By the way, if you want to bump up your stats you could write a really mean blog post about my blog, then I could reblog it and you will get a bunch of people wanting to pile on. It worked for some blog the other day…

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      • I just fixed the picture on that post, btw. It’s an old post so apparently the picture I stole from online to highlight the post was no longer showing up. I know that you appreciate the value of a good picture to bring interest and provide proof of your good taste, thus increasing reader trust.

        BTW, back when my husband and I were first “dating” (read: not having sex in my dorm room), I filled up the tape on his answering machine with annoying messages after he interrupted me to say he had to take another call and would call me right back. His friends thought it was evidence that he’d found another lunatic to, date, but I told him that he should have listened to me the first three times I told him that if he wasn’t up for talking, he should just say so rather than leaving me waiting for a call back. And then we laughed our asses off at his friends who now thought I was a nut. But I wasn’t inviting them into my dorm room to not have sex with me, so what they thought totally didn’t matter. Anyhow, I just had to say that I totally get the potential benefits of stalking behavior. And I fixed the picture on my blog post. Not that you have to look at it or anything.

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        • First of all, thanks for fixing the picture on your post. I don’t like reading words much, so I like to have a picture to reference, so I can pretend to use the picture for my comment. Saves me reading all the words. Though since a picture is worth a thousand words, you could say that I at least read 1000 of the words on your post.
          That is a pretty funny story about you and your husband. I found that the weirdo stuff filtered out the girls that I wouldn’t like and let me know who to avoid in the future. Seemed to work for both of you. And as far as stalking goes, it’s just a creepy version of research.

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        • “A creepy version of research”. That’s great. You made me LOL for real. I’m going to have to steal that one day. I’ll just refer to you as “this guy” when I credit you for saying it, if that’s OK with you.

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        • OK, I totally have to give bitter guy a rest. And fwiw, insecure girl is the power behind the narcissistic facade. She’s really quite clever, although not as funny as bitter guy. Anyways, I’d better go find something less amusing to do now. I’m sure you’re relieved as I suspect you are a bit of an introvert – most bitter guys seem to be – and there’s just only so much excitement that we introverts can take in a day! 😉

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  6. Yeah, but those of us who do show up once in a while love you and know how it makes your skin crawl to tell you that we’ll give you a great big hug to make you feel better.

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  7. Since I would LOVE to have your stats (jerk) I should just quit blogging because this was a rude awakening. I definitely don’t read all your posts – not even gonna pretend – but I’m glad I came across this because I love being more bitter than I already am. P.s. If you pay me, I’ll start a fan club.

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    • I am a jerk yes, and yes, it is clear you don’t read all my posts as I recently did a thorough investigation and found that you read very few. But all will be forgiven when you start that Fan Club. So how much are you charging for starting the club?

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  8. You are bitterly brilliant with statistics! It would never have occurred to me to try to figure out if anyone had read all of my posts. I spend most of my time wondering which followers are robots, or folks who want to teach me how to make big bucks while working from home.

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    • I guess I have way to much time on my hands to read all my old posts and find out all the people that haven’t read my posts. I have followed a lot of those people that tell me how to make big bucks at home, because I’m lazy and need lots of money. Seems none of them have panned out yet.

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  10. Not only to I not have even a microscopic percentage of 5000 followers, I’m fairly certain those that do read my blog do so just to screw with my fragile sense of worth. I will literally have a day with 1 view, followed by a day with 24 views, followed by a day of 6 views, then only 1 view again. Either my blog or the folks that read it are seriously bipolar or something. Admittedly, most of what I post is bizarre nonsense bordering on WTF is wrong with her. Great, now I’m feeling all bitter and decidedly not warm and fuzzy. Thanks a lot!

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    • I was like that when I first started too. I remember when I got 30 views for the first time and was ecstatic! I finally learned a few things and then things started clicking. First, do you categorize your posts? I found that it was best to put mine under humor, bitter and first world problems and sarcasm. That way they show up on reader and more people have a chance to see it. Also, I found putting appropriate (or non appropriate but funny) pictures helped. Also go to your Reader and just start scanning other people’s blogs and like and comment on them. Start following other people’s regularly and eventually others will follow you back. Soon you will be begging people to stop following your blog.

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  11. Statistics were invented for the sole purpose of making us realize we only utilize .00001 percent of our brains. Or at least I do. Or try to, lol. Apparently you use more since your blog is doing amazing. Congratulations. You deserve it. BTW, I also have never seen a like button on outside websites. I find it highly annoying when I just want to ‘like’ a blog and not necessarily leave a comment. You’re smart to stick with what you have, in my humble opinion anyways.

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  14. O, ye of little faith! I read every stinkin’ word you wrote in this blat-fest, and I even commented on Mainiac that your GIFs are one of the things I love in this world (along with Dumb and Dumber.)
    Send me some more followers, please. Thank you and have a nice day .:-)

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  16. I feel this way all the time. Though if I got a grade on blogging, I wouldn’t get a Z, someone would have to make up a horrible letter to make up how bad I am. You should feel this way, because 1 million people could be following your blog right now. Your blog is probably good enough, and you have way more followers than a normal person. Consider yourself lucky. Great post though, I like reading your blog.

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  18. I am bitter Ben..that you can call yourself a Spurs fan and not watched 400 games. Did you know there are 82 games in a regular season? Add the numerous play off games ….and the NBA finals….. Really? Damn shame. 🙂

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    • I’ve never lived anywhere near San Antonio, so games on TV or in person are pretty limited, especially with how the networks deem them extremely boring and don’t deserve to be on TV. On the other hand, I get so nervous about them winning and losing and my wife gets mad if I get too loud, that I rarely watch them until the highlights because I hate the gut wrenching that is the back and forth of the game. I’ve gotten better at just letting that go, but it is my way as a fan. Just how I roll.

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  22. Quit whining Better Ben
    You know you can do it
    If you expected our bitter tears
    Then you really blew it

    Most Bitterites do know
    Those statistics aren’t true
    But you having so many followers
    Makes the rest of us Bitter Blue

    You’ve worked mighty hard
    As many of us do
    Yet we have nothing to show
    That’s as good as you do

    So brighten up your bitter smile
    Get on with your day
    You’ve more bitter blogs to write
    Just dry up those tears . . . okay?

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    • You put me in my bitter place. I’m going to go cry bitter tears now. I definitely need to go write some more bitter posts. By the way, you now have two of the best three comments on my blog this year. I think if I do a year end bitter wrap up of comments, it is looking like you will have comment of the year.

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      • Comment of the year? An accolade for me???
        Just for commenting on your blog, now how can that be?
        Better dust off my thoughts if I’m going to succeed
        In case you are serious doing that ‘bitter wrap up’, indeed.

        Or is this just a way to get comments galore?
        Leading me on with no hope in store?
        Am I bitterly dreaming or perhaps maybe not
        No mention of my spelling error, I’m pretty sure you caught.

        Thus I’m sending you a bitter hanky to dry up those tears
        So you can keep up your bitter blog throughout the years
        Making us less blue Bitterites as we read your complaints
        And the exploits of Bitter Ben, with the bitter realms he paints

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        • If you continue to make comments like this, I will just have to declare you commenter of the year. I won’t be able to choose between them. Honestly, I’ll have to do one, because your video game one and this one today were awesome. The one today might be given the edge, because it was calling me out on my bitterness.

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  23. I’m quite bitter that your statistics are in fact basic math and involve no t tests, ANOVA tables, or even graphs. I wanted to be bitter about the fact that you were forcing me to do statistics class again.

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    • I fully support the bitterness Ben (I can say this with my measly 500+ followers) but without a graph I don’t feel I can fully understand the math.

      Yes I think someone who has done stats should be required to provide us with a graph to give fundamental backup to his bitter claims. And *claps hands in glee* get to an ANOVA table as well! Marvelous suggestion Aria!

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  24. Oh Bitter Ben, you shouldn’t give such a giant shit about your stats. Maybe you’d be a tad less bitter if you stopped bribing people to read it. Perhaps even stop telling people you have a blog. It works for me, and I’m only a little bitter.

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  26. I needed this today, it was pretty funny. Sorry your followers are slacking; that’s why I try not to spend too much time looking at stats…especially when you start fresh and only have 11 followers…just saying…Hope your Monday isn’t too bitter!

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    • It is definitely hard to start over. I actually paid for my own domain name and was about to switch all my stuff over, but realized I would lose all these followers and the like system and just couldn’t bear it. It took me way to long to get these people in the first place and I know for a fact that if left, most would drop. Just sayin’. For you it was worth it though to get rid of some of those lunatics following you.

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      • There is a way to move your followers over if you do it in the first thirty days or something? If you switch to wordpress.org, there’s a way to get your wordpress.com followers switched over as long as you use their widget for stats. I’ve looked into it, but decided to just start fresh because it’s a whole different topic. Plus, if you switch to a wordpress.org site, you can start selling adspace and actually make some money which you can’t do on a wordpress.com site – and with 5000, you might be able to make some money!

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        • I looked into the whole switching and stuff with a guy that helped people get over to them and I was all about it, until he said he couldn’t get a like button over, which to me was a deal breaker. If I could find out a way to do it and get all my followers back, I think I would look into it.
          For you, I think it was a good fresh start, so it made sense.

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        • You couldn’t get a like button? Are you sure? I could add one to my posts through the Jetpack plugin. Although I could be totally wrong, this whole owning the website is def a lot of work and there’s a lot to remember and do.

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        • The guy I was working said he looked for several days and couldn’t find one. I’ve seen a lot of people on WordPress move over to a new sight and it seems that none of them have ever had a like button. If there was someone that did, I would probably ask them cause I’ve never seen it. It was a lot of work definitely. I was weary of that cause I already spend a ton of time on my blog already. HAHA.

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  27. LOL, you should probably call us Bitter Stalkers and imagine us prowling around in the rose buses, spying on you in all your bitterness. We are not loyal, I’m terribly sorry. Most of us are quite fickle and easily distracted by shiny objects on the ground. What I can I say, it is what it is.

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    • How about Balkers? Bitter Stalkers is like way too many words and you know how lazy I am. I think I need to start creating all those things I listed so I have a huge inventory of things at home that aren’t selling. You can imagine how bitter my family would be at me if I did that.

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  28. That natlamp “vacation” clip reminded me about how my grandfather died peacefully in his sleep. The 5 other people riding in the car with him had to crawl out onto the median screaming “my legs my legs I can’t feel my legs”.

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  29. you have unusually high expectations of your followers. expect mediocrity and feel satisfied. and quick bragging about your numbers! i am bitter reading them. bitter luck next time

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