If I ruled the world…it would be a Bitter Place

/ bensbitterblog
If I ruled the World...

If I ruled the World…

I was reading the post of a fellow blogger, Alanna, a couple of weeks ago and she wrote a short post about what she would do if she ruled the world. Of course, I thought it was a great idea for a post so I am stealing it because I don’t have any original thought. I thought it was appropriate to take over the world as it is kind of a bitter place, but not bitter enough. This isn’t a comprehensive list, because I’m not that organized, but things will be added later.  For now, here are the things I will implement right away.

Danger!

Danger!

First things first.  My face will be the international symbol of run.  Caution, danger, run for the hills.  If there is a disaster waiting to happen or has happened, post the international symbol of bitterness.

The cloud will be a place where I store all my bitter thoughts until it gets so full, it will rain down bitterness enough to cover the whole earth.

Phones would be banned as a form of communication.  You can carry around a smart computer that does everything else, but there will be no phones.  Text, speak face to face, Skype, or Facetime, or invent something else that takes the place of phones, but they are banned forever in the Bitter World.

You can be rich and famous, but if you are a jerk about it, I will send you to be with other jerks to Rich People jail in the bottom of Antarctica,  where Wi-fi doesn’t work and your money is no good.

Job interviews and layoffs are a thing of the past.  If you know what you want to do and you can explain it to someone in clear manner and you and the employer agree that you would be a good fit, fine.  But if you are an introvert and you can’t stand to talk to people about what you are good at, you are allowed to get a brain scan that will show all the employers what you are good at, and they will be able to come find you.  No scraping for jobs if you want one.  You can work from home if you want, or get a bonus to work at the office.

He's definitely got the bitter look down.

That’s the exact bitter look I am looking for.

This one is for me. My weak pathetic limbs like my knees, shoulders, feet and hips are to be replaced by far superior robotic technology.  That way if I am sore, instead of taking 2 Aleve’s, I just get some Wd-40 and I’m good.  I want to be able run, jump, and dunk at the age of 85.

One language for goodness sake.  The dictionary will not have all these freaky unnecessary words that no one uses.  Just like the clothes in our closets, if no one has used a word in over a year, it’s gone from the bitter dictionary.  And if we find a cool combo word that makes sense, like snarcasm, add it to the mix.  But if it becomes so tired that they are starting to name shows after it, like Selfie, or no one knows what it really means even after consulting the Urban Dictionary, it’s out.  If you don’t like it, you can go to helfie.

You are born with one of these.

You are born with one of these.

Everyone is born with BS meters.  When they get full for the occasion (work, party, watching football commentators) you are free to leave the conversation immediately and without question, or stay in it for entertainment value.  For goodness sake, you should only have to take so much crap.

Fame won’t be determined by how well you dribble, throw, or hit a ball.  It won’t be determined how well you screw up laws in a country or how well you perform in front of a camera.  It won’t be about how rich you are, but how good you are at grinding out a 9-5 for 50 years, or how you stay in marriage for 50 years, or how good you are at showing up when you say you will be there.  Cameras will be outside capturing a guy that worked for an entire year without getting sick or a kid that stood up to a bully or a person that fought cancer.

They will be a car cool lane.  If it has been determined that you have been a good driver (only getting ridiculous speeding tickets cause you couldn’t cry your way out of one) and avoided accidents over a sustained period of time, you get to use the car cool lane.  In the car cool lane, there are secret tunnels, warp zones, force fields and you get the use of awesome sports cars and Monster Trucks.  There is no bribing, bullying or intimidating your way in this group.  It’s only for the good responsible drivers over a long period of time.

Life in the crash lane.

Life in the crash lane.

A second lane will be for the “crash causers”.  The distracted, the excessive speeders, the ones that never learned how to use the breaks or a stick shift, or a mirror or blinker.  The ones that break into cars, forget to leave notes when they run into yours, that ones that apply make up or eat breakfast, or text the whole way, or drink while driving.  In this lane, the cars are only junkers with big bumpers.  It is a no holds barred, bumper car like, speed fest.  You can’t hurt the good drivers in the car cool lane (forcefield) or harm the slow lane (also forcefield).  Items are reigning down like Mario Kart.  Fireballs, boomerangs, blue spiky tortoise shells, banana peels.  You can’t drive, then get ready to be with others that can’t drive either.

One last thing before I go to my first legislative meeting.  Work weeks will be shorter.  That is a must.  4 days max, no crazy overtime, more vacation time, and for goodness sake, more holidays.  6 “official” holidays is not near enough.  And by the way, if there is a holiday, it will be a day off.  St. Patrick’s Day, Flag Day, Veteran’s Day, Easter.  If they are a holiday, we won’t be celebrating those at work.

Alright now I have to go.  The world can’t become a bitter place without me.

ARRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Ruler Ben

63 thoughts on “If I ruled the world…it would be a Bitter Place”

  4. Forgot to say something in the other comment.
    Have you ever watched The Big Bang Theory? If you have, do you know how Sheldon laughs?
    I seriously laughed just like that with the ‘helfie’ thing. (Or close to that, I should say.) Kind of worrisome.

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  5. I’m not sure if you intended for your bitter world to sound like a super awesome place, but it totally does sound like one.
    Not even going to say what would happen if I ruled the world. I think you’re a lot nicer than I am, hahahaha. (Or mwahahahaha, whichever.)

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  6. I would bitterly cast my vote for you! Cheers to your Bittership reign oh Bitterlord! 😀
    Enjoyed this blog post of yours so much that my colleagues think I have gone El Nutso, staring at my PC screen and laughing away! 😀

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  8. I like the brain scan idea. You do realize it can be used for many situations, not just job interviews. For example, I could monitor my husband’s thoughts. Oh wait a minute; he doesn’t have any!

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  10. I like your version much better. Especially the job thing, the car lanes, and also being able to turn into what I can only assume is some sort of Terminator/Robocop combo? In fact, in my own post (which will probably happen today) I express how my own “B.S. meter” has failed me, and frankly, your bitterness is inspiring. I am starting to hate everyone and everything and it’s nice to see that someone else knows what they’re talking about in that vein.

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  12. You give a bitter pill and the results are the stomach inflamed and the burn. I have tried to not work. I am retired and that is a bitter pill. So I went back to work at a amusement park where the hardest thing I do is watch kids smile. I am losing my bitterness. And then I get it back when I have a day off. I have turned off my news for it is the crux of bitterness. I therefore banish to the nether zone all bad news, all Congress people and all things that go bump in the night.

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  14. Most of that works for me (and where can I sign up for robotic parts?)!
    Here’s my addition: I’ve often said that if I were queen of the world, parents would have to run baby names by me before saddling their kid with monikers like Diptheria (I’m not kidding), Shafungus (really not kidding) or Moon Unit (Okay, so Frank Zappa was a little odd).
    My mom likes to joke that, had I been a boy, I would have been named Christopher Columbus after my great-great-grandfather. At least I hope she’s joking.

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    • I’ve been needing a couple of robot knees for a little while now. I’m glad your mom didn’t end up having you as a boy. That could have created some tense moments at school when it was Columbus day and your friends got mad at you because they didn’t get the day off for your birthday. I will try to get a law in place about the naming rights.

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