As you may know if you are savvy at looking at calendars and assessing the difference between days (What’s the difference between Monday and Tuesday again?), you would see that it is Thursday. Since I am such an expert at being bitter, and some of my readers really struggle with being such, I thought I would sit down(my favorite exercise position other than laying down) and dispense with some advice on how to be bitter or bitter ways to do things. In my experience, there is nothing more annoying than being given advice that you just didn’t want or ask for, which is why I am offering my unsolicited Bitter Advice to you today. You can let me know if the comments how annoyed you really are. So ready? No? Good.
Always cross both ways of the street before looking.
Make good eye contact with bears.
When meeting someone for the first time, always ask their name, then immediately forget it, so you can say “What was your name again?” Also, choose at least one thing about that person that annoys you. Make sure to keep that in the back of your mind whenever you see them again.
When trying to achieve a dream, always give your least half-hearted effort.
Make sure that whenever you make a decision, you have at least some regrets.
Whenever someone does something that offends you, passive aggressively get your revenge in slow and subtle ways until they are completely destroyed as a person. Or completely trash their house.
Life is a sprint, not a marathon. Get thoroughly frustrated about everything in a hurry.
Life is about the little details. Like why did that guy just cut me off? I’m really angry about being late to my job that I can’t stand.
Always lack a clear vision of where you are going. Either get some glasses that don’t work, or get botched eye surgery.
Hire a lawyer. They will gladly charge you lots of money per hour to do not much. Plus, you can make really bad jokes at their expense that they have totally heard before.
Wrestle sharks. Cause they are kind of arrogant about their wrestling skills against humans and need to learn a lesson or two.
Always go into a long race unprepared, except for the prepared food you eat right before it. Pasta is always a good pre-race favorite.
Always bring a steak knife to a gun fight. You know, in case they miss and you need something to cut your steak with afterwards.
Be arrogant without being talented. That way people will despise you even more.
Always expect the world without having to work for it. Then you will almost always be bitterly disappointed. Except if you win the lottery. But then be upset because you didn’t win more.
Be bad, or be bad at it.
Always buy stuff that you have no intention of ever paying for.
No amount of credit card debt is too much.
Watch the news so you can be more informed…about how messed up other people are.
Stay up late, wake up early.
Whenever someone makes a mistake, remember, criticize them, because everyone makes mistakes and you want to cover up yours by putting the emphasis on other people’s mistakes.
Always listen to other people’s advice.
I know there is a lot to think about, but remember, you shouldn’t take things day by day. Try to cram all these things in one day, because if you don’t do them today, there is no tomorrow. So get out there and obey. Heed my terrible advice so you can ruin someone else’s day.
ARRRRGGGGHHHH
Bitterly Mistaken Ben
oh, my! This certainly seems like bitterly bad advice. I surely will not take this advice immediately, unless i got the double negatives in the wrong order and it becomes a positive… I hate when that happens… or love it… I don’t do logic well enough to be sure.
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Feel free to ignore this bitter advice because it will only do you bitter harm.
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Reblogged this on mellys modern antiquities and commented:
Thoroughly enjoyed bitterly reading this…
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I feel compelled to apologize for madly loving this post. To compensate, I go in my corner and be appropriately bitter. 😉
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Now that you’ve had time to sit in the corner to reflect on your bitterness, I hope you take the time to share your bitter feelings with your friends and acquaintences.
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Thanks for new acronyms! Love it bitterly 🙂
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One must always use their name with acryonyms to their advantage.
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Is there anything I absolutely have to look forward to?
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Nope, you work at Icom, so you’ve got nothing to look forward to.
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Oh, Ben, that was Bitter Batter indeed! Annoyance level, just a 101 out of 10! What Ho! 🙂
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It do my best to annoy. I’m glad to see got over the scale annoyed.
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Annndddd…Always read bitter blog posts because misery love company. If you can make someone else bitter, all the better..
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I think that is the whole purpose of me writing them. It’s a lot of hard work to go door to door to everyone’s house and tell them to be bitter, so I use my best media to spread it…like the plagues.
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LOL how bitterly clever
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I would actually call it lazy of me, because I don’t want to walk to people’s houses and talk to them.
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Nor do I. 😀
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As one of my new recruits, I’m gonna need you to start promoting it, if you aren’t going to go door to door.
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pft door to door! I can tweet and reblog…
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Tweet and reblog sound the bare minimum, but if that’s all you can manage, then I guess you should probably do that.
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On it!
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Finally getting my bitter minions to do something!
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Are you bitter about that?!
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I’m bitter that my minions aren’t doing their jobs. It’s a lot of work being as lazy as I am.
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Maybe you’d be less bitter if you were busy? 😉
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I’m bitter because I AM busy. I’m trying to be lazy and work keeps getting in the way.
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Well tell work where to go!
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It already knows. I’m going to the “punch in” to the phone soon.
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does it know how to get there?
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The phone will know soon.
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I assume you’re going to tell it how?
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It will know because I will be punching it in the face.
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It has a face?
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Yep, glowing eyes, and it talks constantly even when I don’t want to listen to it.
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Scary
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Possibly my favorite post EVER! But since you told me to be bitter, I am going to be mad that I did not think of all this first. Fuck. Definitely showing this one to my friends…out of bitterness and only that!
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I’m bitter that you found it amusing, so I am going to recommend that you show it many of your friends so they know the way to be bitter. You might want to show it to all your Chris’s too.
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I am definitely bitter about those Chris’s for sure! I’ll show everyone just how bitter I can be!
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Fight the power! and the Chris’s!
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You have reinforced that Mr. T is a bad mamma jamma, Brent. I mean Ben. What was your name again?
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Mr. T not only punched the shark, but did it in the middle of the ocean, so clearly he swam there with no aid of a boat. What was my name again?
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MR. B
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Bitter with a capital T! But not near as strong!
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I already regret liking this.
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And already regret writing it. And I regret most things I do.
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