The Bitter Realm Conclusion – The Lost Relics

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A nightmare of boredom. 

So as you probably don’t remember because it was all the way back in July (I know, a couple of months ago, how is anyone expected to remember that long ago?) I decided to join another realm because I was so sick of this one.  If you can’t remember what was going on, I don’t blame you, because I don’t remember either.  Since that is the case, both you and I are going to be forced to go back and read Part 1 and Part 2 again if we are ever going to figure out what is going on here.  So go back, read those two (or don’t) and here concludes that one time I went to another realm.

An FYI for those lazy people that just couldn’t go back and read Part 1 and 2, I’m in the video game realm and I got assigned to be in the upper right portion of the the Ms. Pacman maze, on like level 64 or whatever….

To myself: I have been sitting here in this freaking maze for days now. How do I get out of here? I need to text the location committee. How’s the Wi-Fi here?

Pellet 46 Upper Right Portion of Maze (right next to me): We don’t have Hi-Fi here.  Unapproved and loud music is banned here.  Ms. Pacman may see us and hear the music and get distracted.

Me:  No, not Hi-Fi, Wi-Fi.  It’s…never mind.  I just need to speak to the person in charge around here.  I’ve been placed in this stupid game incorrectly.  I was supposed to be one of the heroes in Gears of War. I just need to get reassigned.

If I worked out a little, I could look like that...

If I worked out a little, I could look like that…At least I have his bitter look “worked out”.

P46URPoM: Whoa, I’ve heard about that game. Sounds awesome.  I heard you had to take steroids to be in that game.  You don’t exactly look like you, um, even lift. Why don’t you go talk to C?  She’s the boss of this section of the maze.  She’s in the shed looking office that’s always blinking.

Me: You better shut it, 46 or whatever your name is.  I used to play basketball.  You need different muscles for that.  How do I find her?

P46URPoM: She’s 4 pellets east, then 2 north.  She has red hair.

Me: Later, dude. Enjoy being stuck in the 80’s.

I abandon my space in Upper Right Maze Pellet 45.  I walk swiftly past the whole row, all of them just sitting there waiting, hoping and praying that some person in the universe will play Mrs. Pacman again.  Maybe in the 80’s some Ms. Pacman savant made it this far, but I’m 102% sure it isn’t happening again.  I round the corner and a big huge C appears.  I wonder if this is the place, I think sarcastically to myself.  I knock on her…uh shed.  Every paper is neatly stacked, every Post-It note is placed precisely.  Even the monitor is perfectly spaced between the two sides of her desk.

C: Come in please.

She continues typing, not losing a beat when I enter.  I’ve never seen anyone type so fast.

Me: Hi, so I guess you are my boss or something? C is it?

C: How are you adjusting to your new environment?

Me: Well, that’s the thing…

C: Yes, I agree.  We have a high standard here of order and neatness.  You…how can I put this delicately..You’re not Ms. Pacman material.  We’re reassigning you.

Me: What? That’s so terrible…please don’t…Well, okay if you insist. So, what is my new gig?

C: You are to be an adventurer.  You will scowl the ends of this game for the forgotten relics.  Once you find the three, combine them together and you will be transported to your true destiny.

I wonder what she was typing.  She was probably writing a report of everything we said, doing status reports, looking up a recipe for chicken and she probably even had time to type up a novel.  All while telling me all this stuff.

Me: Awesome, so what am I collecting?

C: Here’s the list.

The list appeared on her printer and she grabbed it and handed it to me, all without missing a single keystroke.  She was so fast, she could probably be Ms. Pacman.

Me: Whoa, my mitt from kindergarten? My wallet I lost in Cincinnati? And all these single socks? I kept wondering what happened to all these things. Well, this explains a lot.

C: Have fun being our glorified janitor.

She says it so I can barely hear it.

Me: What was that?

C: Nothing. Good luck on your adventure.

I go back to my cubicle to get my stuff.  In one of the drawers, I see a piece of tan leather.  I pull it out.  Four oversized fingers, a Reggie Jackson signature, an old ball still stuck in it.  That is definitely the baseball mitt I lost in kindergarten.  I put it on and realize that I had much smaller hands back then.  Why did I care about this thing again?

I see a sign at the intersection of the upper right part of the maze.  Lost and found.  OOOH, cool. I wonder what kind of relics are missing in a Ms. Pacman maze.  I open the door.  No one is there.  I look in the box and there is only one thing.  Some more leather.  What the heck?  I look a little closer.  It’s a red wallet.  No money in it.  No credit cards, not even a library card.  Except in the right pocket. A picture.  My senior picture.  I’m decked out in a black tuxedo, with purple cummerbund and a black basketball, spinning on my finger.  Wait, why did I want this wallet so much?

I walk out to the right side of the maze.  Finally I can get out of here!  I walk to the right, but somehow end up on the other side of the maze.  Uggggh, idiot! The stupid thing tunnel from the game that just leads to the other side.  How do I get out of here again? I’ve got to get the last lost object. How about the middle of the maze?  That’s where the ghosts hang out, right? Maybe they have a way of getting out.

I knock on the door and it sounds hollow, like no one is in there.  I walk in, turn on the lights.  There in the corner is a stack of clothes.  Red, Pink, Orange and Blue.  Eye holes cut out.  Next to them, a dryer.  It can’t be.  Really? I go over and look inside.  A freaking stack of socks.  All mine, one the size of my big toe, one I lost last week, and all sizes in between.  All of them stuck in this one dryer.  I fill a laundry basket full of my missing socks.  Well, now that I have them all together, I can as C said, gather them together and go to my new assignment.  My destiny. I grab a laundry basket and put them all in there.  A white light appears.  It pulls me in.

She said when I gathered them all together, I would be transported to my true destiny.  Not wanting to delay my true destiny any longer, I open my eyes.  It’s my computer. And my phone.  And a stack of work that I need to get done by the end of the day.  My true destiny.  Sitting at my desk.

As I leave that day, I look in my desk for my keys.  Oh crap, I left my keys…IN. THE. MAZE.

My true destiny.

My true destiny.

 

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Vidiot Ben

37 thoughts on “The Bitter Realm Conclusion – The Lost Relics”

  1. You know, it’s fine to work out so you can get to look like that guy in the picture, but how are you going to get your clothes to work out enough that they look like what he’s wearing? The clothes are the obvious bottleneck here. Or turtleneck, whatever.

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  7. Pingback: Going-ons | C. Miller

  8. Gwahahahaha! Oh man.. All those socks, and you didn’t pause to have a look for all my lost pens? Sheesh… I thought we were friends. Brilliant post, my Bitter Bud… Really enjoyable. By the way, I SUCKED at PAC Man, Ms. or otherwise. I was too busy playing stage diva in the 80s. Well, that and losing pens…

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    • I would have stopped and got some of your pens if it was necessary for my mission, but of course it wasn’t so heck no, I not doing any extra work. I was pretty bad at Pacman and Ms.Pacman as you could tell from my time in that Bitter Realm.

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  9. !
    You seriously have no idea how hard I laughed at that. No idea.
    I teared up a bit, and I’m SERIOUSLY glad no one was out here in the shed to hear how horrible those laughs were. (Think: cackling witch.)

    (Also, caught the ‘idiot’ in there, which I’m assuming is a Napoleon Dynamite reference. Even if it wasn’t, I heard it said in his voice. XD)

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    • Let’s just say that it was pretty freaking fun to write when I finally got the inspo to write it. I knew it couldn’t be complete without the super fast typing boss. Glad it could make you laugh. I wish I could have seen the laughing too. I’ve hear a lot of cackling witches and I’m pretty sure you don’t cackle like one.
      I actually didn’t intend that idiot to sound like Napolean Dynamite, but you can sure think that I did it on purpose. Thanks!

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      • Haha, yes, the boss added so much to it.
        No, really, I DO sound like a cackling witch when I laugh. (At least when I’m laughing hard.) One of my best friends, when we were younger . . . I was over at her house, cracking up about something. Her dad beat on the wall and was like, “Shut the witch up!” or something like that. >.>

        Oh, I totally thought that was on purpose. >.>

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  12. LOL, that was fun. I often find myself trapped in another realm, looking for a cheat, a hack, anything to get me out of there. The problem is, all the cool kids seem to playing an entirely different game and the one I am trapped in is simply so pathetic, nobody has ever bothered to map it out.

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