Some amount of reasons why swimming makes me bitter

/ bensbitterblog
Breathe in that nice refreshing water.

Breathe in that nice refreshing water.

 

I spent a lot of time this summer swimming in pools.  We went from water parks with amusement park rides, to water parks with lazy rivers to a pool that just had a diving board.  Several of those times we ended up getting wet.  In fact, did you know that when you go swimming, water gets everywhere? In your hair, in your eyes(except when you wear goggles.  Then it really get in your eyes.), your nose, your mouth, under your arms, on your feet, even on your knees.  That stuff gets everywhere and nothing short of a towel wipedown or sun will get it out.

Here are some of my other observations about the bitterness of swimming.

Breathing – Did you know that when you stick your head underwater, you can’t breathe? Why? Why would I or anyone that I know who breathes air for a living ever do this?  It doesn’t make sense.  I need air to breathe, not water.  We’ve had this exclusive deal with the trees for years now to exchange some toxic monoxide we breathe in exchange for oxygen.  Why would we go to all that work, working out the deal with the trees only to fight against it and throw it away to go underwater and breathe in water, when we know we can’t breathe it?

How is cooking underwater again?

How is he cooking underwater again?

SpongeBob Squarepants – Maybe it has to do with SpongeBob.  He makes it look so easy.  He doesn’t seem to struggle at all breathing, he doesn’t float to the surface like us underwater noobs, his sponge like surface seem to be able to absorb all the water to make him bigger, and somehow he can cook a Crabby Patty underwater, all while remaining as annoying as a mosquito bite behind your ear. I tried to cook hot dogs the other day underwater and couldn’t even get the grill gill started.

Diving is fun-duh-mental.

Diving is fun-duh-mental.

Diving Board – There is actually a flexible board in some pools that encourages you to jump in deep water. In breaking news, you can also jump off cliffs.  They both hurt just as much when you land and cliffs don’t have boards, so at least they aren’t encouraging you to jump.

Waterfalls – There are actual places in the world where water flows from above at a phenomenal rate.  And people stand under them, of their own free wil and let the water hit them.  Also, some people when they need a little TLC, try to chase them.  From what I’ve heard you should just stick to the lake and rivers you’re used to.

Don't chase them.

Don’t chase them.

Exercise – It’s been said that swimming is one of the best ways to exercise. It gives you tighter muscles, is aerobic, and makes you breathe really hard, because you are always struggling for air.  Sounds exactly like the way I wanted to choke out!

The five Senses –

Smell – The smell of chlorine.  There is nothing like it.  There is a reason why there are no perfumes that are Eau de Chlorine.  If you are lucky you can go swimming in the Ocean, where it smells like salt and sharks want to suck your blood.

Taste – For some strange reason, also salt or chlorine.  Super fun to have the rush of water go through your mouth through you nose or vice versa.

Touch or Feel – For those of you who have never gone swimming, it’s wet.  A similar feeling to taking a shower or “accepting” the ALS “accidently dump really cold water, ice and a really hard bucket on your head” challenge, so you can raise you social media status just to save $90.
Sounds – Slapping of water when people belly flop, screaming of kids drowning, whistles of lifeguards telling you that you can’t stand up when you are riding a waterslide, or run at full bore when it is “slippery”.

Sights – White, pale skin quickly turning to red burnt flesh, blurry blueness under the water, red blood shot eyes of people that open their eyes underwater, waterslides taller than skyscrapers, thousands of inflatable rafts in the water, but none on the pavement when you need a raft for the lazy river.

Big black O on your hand.  Last night before I went swimming they drew a big black O on my hand.  What does it mean? Is that supposed to stand for Outcast, or Ostracized, Outplayed, or Overmatched?  Or does it just stand for Open Mic night Open swim?

Building pools in the middle of the road isn't economical.

Building pools in the middle of the road isn’t economical.

Arizona – I know you guys get really hot, and I know when you get hot, having a pool is a great way to cool down, but could you guys just keep all your pools on private property? Could you stop trying to build them in your streets now?

I’m sure there are other reasons that I missed, because I’m fairly forgetful, especially when there is still water in my ears from swimming.

Let me know what your favorite reasons are for being bitter about swimming in the comments.

ARRRRRGGGHHHH

Bitter Waterlogged Ben

 

42 thoughts on “Some amount of reasons why swimming makes me bitter”

  4. ben’s bitter blog. love it. my bitternes come from the life guard laughing at my choice of learning to swim in the kiddie section of the pool, while choking one water, at age 35. there is no posted age limit for the kiddie section last time i checked.

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  5. My favorite reason for being bitter about swimming is temperature. The water is always too hot, too cold, too fucking lukewarm…who the fuck knows it’s a disaster. You always try to reach this optimum temperature level but then before you know it, you are just back to being fucking uncomfortable again.

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  10. One of my favorite posts so far. Swimming makes me bitter because when I think about it- we are all just in a giant bath tub together, wearing swim suits that we pretend keep each other’s skin particles off of one another. The guy with the hairy back and acne chest- you are in a bath with him….The kid who sat on the side for a minute and yelled “Im done”, you are now swimming in their urine! #why I love rivers -thanks for the laugh

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  11. I am off my bitter stick again…I LOVE swimming. Swimming lots and lots of laps at the pool. Makes me feel alive! Although I do get somewhat bitter when Mr Splash-O-Rama is in the lane next to me. “Dude, must you flop your hands against the water like they are iron paddles?”

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  13. My favorite is the fact that my brain simply will not allow me to learn how to dive, so every time I’ve attempted it, I’ve belly-flopped (ouch), flipped onto my back (ouch again), scraped my legs on the diving board and/or edge of the pool (ouch even more), or basically froze in the middle of the attempt and just fell into the water in the shape of an upside-down “U”. Also, swimming is part of the reason I have tinnitus, so water can totally fuck off in general.

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  16. I’m bitter about the snapping turtles in my pond, but they’re going nowhere, and I like my toes. I’ve had them for as long as I can remember, so I’m kinda attached to them. Totally leaving my pond to the snapping turtles now. Meanwhile I can be bitter about the whole internet neutrality thing.

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