The Wiccups.
I went to lunch yesterday for my anniversary and must have had some bad combination of Chicken Alfredo, too much strawberry passion fruit limeade, and too little willpower to stop eating the unlimited breadsticks (I was just testing their limits), because when I left that place, I was sporting a nasty case of the hiccups (or as my kids used to call them wiccups). Hiccups are funny to laugh at when they are happening to someone else, (Ha Ha you can’t complete a sentence without hiccuping!) but oh so bitter when they are happening to you. The whole way home I was barely talking, because every time I tried to say something, I got interrupted by myself. There is nothing more annoying than getting interrupted, but it is even more irritating when it is by the most bitter person you know. What would be no big deal to a 6 year old or a 20 year old, becomes a big deal to a dude who can’t seem to take a walk outside without straining, or complaining or wincing about every small infliction happening in their 80 year old body. So, of course, my throat was hurting, my chest was caving in and I was hiccuping all the way home. I had heard of a new method of curing hiccups, but it involved liquid. As far as I know, restaurants haven’t started to send home take home juice boxes, so I couldn’t do anything until I got home.
When I got home I found the nearest cup and filled it with water and had my daughter pull my ears down. It worked almost immediately. Finally, my hiccups were gone. But that was just the beginning of my terrible, horrible, no good, very bitter day.
Bitter Ben’s Bad Day.
My stomach was bloated from the aforementioned endless breadsticks, so I laid down on our lovesack to relieve the bloat, only to realize that the remote control was like four inches beyond my reach. Nope, not gonna do it. There were no kids available to order around ask for assistance, so I had to watch whatever inane thing was on the television. It took every effort I could muster after battling my bitter rival, the Wiccups, to turn over on my stomach. At that point I gave up and just took an unplanned 15 minute snoozer(about 3 3/4 hours shorter than I expected), and woke up with hope that either kids were around or the remote magically moved closer. None of those things happened as I expected, so I sacrificed the rest of my energy to reach the extra 4 inches to get the remote.
I’m gonna just go ahead and lay down right here.
Remote in hand, channel changed, I realized that it was about 70 degrees inside (2 degrees above comfortable for me), so I turned on the portable AC. It was just about cool enough, but then it was too loud for me to hear the TV. I began this endless cycle of having turn the TV up, only to turn the AC down, then have to turn the TV down, and then it would get too hot. Add in the fact that commercials are even louder than the regular programs into the vicious TV/Air Conditioning/Commercial decibel level cycle and you can see why I was so exhausted.
…but could you do it a little quieter?
After having to endure the cycle for 4 hours, I finally decided that I would get on my computer to check some really important junk mail I was meaning to get to as well as really important work stuff that I needed to get to (prep for my blog tomorrow). Luckily, one of the kids was around, so I got them to deliver it to me. I opened my junkmail email and went through them for a couple of hours, checking to see if that the African Prince that I gave my bank account number to had put the $10 million in my account yet(still waiting), then went to prep for my blog today, when the spinning wheel of death (Mac owners know what I’m talking about) came on. It spun around for like 5 seconds and I just couldn’t take it any more. I can’t stand when computers can’t take trillions of bits of information and produce instant results to me. I just don’t have the patience for it, so I just threw my computer away. I know it’s only a year old, but I’ve thrown phones out for even less, so good riddance computer.
…and I’m out.
Then, I got a hangnail on my finger. I can’t even…I just…I give up…I’ve never had a worse day…
I understand there is civil unrest, war, famine, global warming, and buckets of cold ice water that need to be dumped on celebrities heads, but how am I supposed to concentrate on all those important things, when I am having to deal with all these hiccups in my day?
How about all of you? How do you deal with such bitter things?
ARRRRGGGGGH
Bitter Wiccups Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
wait, wait….. does the chugging of water occur before, after, or during the chugging of water?
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Actually the chugging of water occurs while the the ears are being pulled down. It actually worked, it was so crazy. I think you should get hiccups just so you can try it.
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PFFF, goshdarnit, i just realized what i said; facepalm. XD
i meant, “does the pulling of ears occur before, after, or during the chugging of water?” but oh well. XD
but yes, i really want to get the hiccups now…
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Who knew that the little trick would make people want to get the hiccups. But I was so excited to actually use it.
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out of curiosity, how did you hear about it?
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My brother in law. He used it on all his kids, then my kid and then I had Olive Garden, had too many breadsticks and I tried it. I was amazed to see how quickly it worked.
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I get those hurty-hiccups sometimes. They sound awful, and they just suck so bad.
I’m sorry about your hangnail. I’m still mad about my nail breaking. But I’m glad your wiccups are gone.
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It’s the little things that happen to us that take our focus away from the big things people keep telling us about. It’s not our fault we don’t care.
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It’s always the little things . . .
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Having hiccups louder than a freight train in a public place is the worst. Also, hang nails. ugh. How do they even happen? I think Obama’s behind it.
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I enjoy that they annoy other people, but yeah they suck pretty hardcore. BTW, I noticed on Facebook you went to Portland. How was it?
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Loved it. I’m an east coaster so seeing the WEST SIIIIIDE (<—insert gangsta sign) was so different. Ever been?
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Yeah, I’ve been a few times, but only downtown once. We used to have friends we would stay with. We went to a circus there and there were all kinds of protesters outside about the mistreatment of the animals. I assume you will be doing a post about it?
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I’m thinking about doing a post. We did alot more than just Portland. We did alot of exploring of the oregon coast as well. It’s gorgeous.
We have alot of circus protestors in D.C. area as well. Poor elephants.
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I heard the coast is pretty awesome, though we’ve never been. We should probably since we’ve been here like 14 years. We mostly just cut through the rest of Oregon to get to Utah. Did you like having to have someone pump the gas for you?
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Clearly your spinning wheel of death is tantamount to the ebola virus. I don’t have that on my PC but I have a little red watch that is just as annoying. Like that dang hourglass. Now this may be of use to you to cure one bitter ailment: I read last month the way to cure hiccups is to breathe in 4 seconds, hold it 4 seconds, and exhale 4 seconds. I have done that a half dozen times since then, and it has worked every time! Except yesterday at the pool hall after several pints of Ziegenbock. Then I had to do it twice.
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The spinning wheel of death means I have to wait to seconds for something to load and I should never have to do that with my fancy Mac. My work computer, I’m fine with delaying. Then I don’t have to do work. But home computer, when I am trying to blog, color wheel unacceptable.
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You not only make bitter better, you also make bitter butter; which goes great on my toast but requires an excess of jam because of the bitterness. As a diabetic I love the lightheadedness I get an hour and a half after eating that excess of jam. It’s far, far better than huffing aerosol. Keep up the good work!
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Well, as a diabetic you will never have to worry about having too much sweetness on my blog. The only flavor here is bitter.
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Have you definitely ruled out having your hiccough surgically removed, then? They say it’s the big new removal surgery now that doctors don’t take appendices out so much.
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I would love to have my smile and my happiness removed. And my hiccough. And my gall bladder. Remove my belly too while they are at it.
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Some hiccups hurt…the ones that are deep in your chest…that sound as though you’re trying to suck alllllll the air outta the room every 12.1 seconds. I wish there was a compilation of letters that could portray the sound I’m making in my head.
UUEEHHHFFFFHHHHHH………………………………nope. Not right. But you know what I’m talking about….
You totally had the worse day….ever.
& I totally support your notion to nap when all else fails.
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I know. You have no idea how hard that day was. I pray one so bad never happens again. If ever get a splinter, it’s over.
I just can’t believe how hard it was for me to breathe. How about OOOOOIPPP? That is definitely the way it felt anyways.
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LOL at wiccups! Yeah. I’m still waiting for my 100 million dollars in my checking account by some prince in some exotic land. There’s a lot of them, aren’t there? 🙂 Sorry, I haven’t been around. I’ve been kinda busy, if you know what I mean with a certain British guy.
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Oh, I see. Having a British boyfriend excuses you from commenting on my blog huh? Well, I may just have to send him some certain Tom gifs that will make him jealous. Ha HA! He will be so bitterly jealous!
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Actually, he’s the main reason why I’ve been slacking away on my blog. To be honest, I don’t even talk about Tom to him. I’ve talked more about Hugh Grant…hehe. It’s good to be in love! Btw. What and which pictures of Tom do you mean???
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Well, maybe he is the reason you should be blogging more. Because you are inspireeeed. I can’t wait to see all the great blogs you are going to be doing soon!
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I haven’t found a cure yet, but if I could pull your ears too, that might do the trick.
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Scarily enough, it worked. Either that or everyone just enjoyed tugging on my ears and watching me chug water.
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Hiccups can bite my ass. For whatever reason, the suggested methods do not work on me and I believe it’s just a giant conspiracy for people who get light hiccups to make everyone else hold their breath for an hour and choke on whatever they’re drinking, all for a good laugh.
Also, I feel your pain on the A/C units. I’m always getting yelled at by my downstairs neighbors because my tv is too loud when they do their Muslim prayers, and I do feel bad, but it’s not my fault. I tell them to blame General Electric and they glare at me and slam their door.
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You know that ear thing actually worked. It just made me mad that I had to wait so long. I used to use sugar, so at least I would get something sweet when it didn’t work.
I am listening to my air right now and it is making the listen to Cartoon Network really loud. (It’s totally the kids watching it by the way.) I’m glad it brings you and your neighbors together in mutual bitterness and mistrust.
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I always put on the latest Spinning Wheel of Death cd. They still sound great, except for the new drummer who replaced the original drummer who drove his BMW off a cliff two years ago. The autopsy guys were unable to confirm an eyewitness account claiming the Spinning Wheels original drummer, Sneezer, had the hiccups when he sped by. The rest is (insert belch here) Rock’n Roll.
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So every time they play, does everyone’s computer slow down?
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