10 Things Ready for a Bitter Break Up

/ bensbitterblog

 

Time for a bitter break up.

Time for a bitter break up.

A couple of days ago, I was watching the Bachelor’s Paradise. These are people that have been on the Bachelor and “didn’t win” in their particular cycle as if not getting engaged to the one girl or boy amongst all the contestants is losing.  What we all know is that in the end is that they all lose.  None of them actually get married, or become normal in the end.  They all become deceitful, bitter backstabbers.  In this even shorter version of the Bachelor, this show of Bachelor “losers” get together and “try to find true love” in a paradise situation that is lets face it, unrealistic. While that is enough to lead you to never want to watch this show ever, there is the painful, awkward and cringeworthy break ups.  That in itself makes you not want to look away.  Here is a list of 10 things that I need to have a bitter break up with.

1. Acne.  I’ve been together with acne since I was in seventh grade, when the picture of my face went from smooth as the Cloud Gate in Millennium Park to the constellations of Orion’s belt.  It’s been an abusive relationship.  One in which I used to try to tell it to go back to its home beneath the surface and it always popping up at just the wrong time to embarrass me or cause me pain.  Prom, family pictures that will last forever, job interviews…It even likes to cause me pain in other places besides the heart.  I’m 41 now, acne.  It’s time we parted ways.

How about some bitter news for once?

How about some bitter news for once?

2. The News.  If I needed to know the news about the rest of the world, I would just ask my annoying co-worker or go on twitter.  Besides, the news delivers only one side of the story.  Bad news.  Where is all the bitter news? You know how sometimes people give you an option of whether you want to hear the good news or the bad news first? Well, the “news” would just offer to tell you the bad news or the worse news first.  And by the way, isn’t news by definition supposed to be new? By the time you tell me, it is olds.  Maybe they should call it the “past”.

3. Rain. Rain, rain go away.  Don’t come back.  I don’t know if you know this rain, but I don’t need you anymore.  You have been replaced.  The time for your water cycle is over.  Clouds are being used for storing data now.  You’ve been replaced by bottled water, faucets and refrigerator filter dispensers.  And by the way, you haven’t exactly visited Phoenix in the last forever.  It’s kind of time you just go back to where you came from.

4. My Right Hip. Or is it my left?  Whichever one is shorter and keeps making me limp. If you can’t start growing (or making the other one shrink), I think it is time to break up with you.  Pack your bags, I’m sending you on a guilt trip.

5. Phones.   You are annoying, you are constantly ringing at me, you are always doing stupid impressions of stupid people that are just not funny, you are always changing your tone with me, and you like to wake me up in the middle of the night.  The only problem is how I should break up with you.  I don’t know if I should call you, text you, or email you.  Either way, I know you won’t get it, because you will pretend like you are in a “bad area”.

What friends?

My phone hates me.

6. 2014. It’s only been 8 months that we have spent together, but really, you’ve kind of been a jerk the whole time.  You are always “changing” around the end of the month, and it seems like you are just trying to make it to end of December so you can move on.

7.  Fire. I thought you were kind of hot at the beginning.  Actually really hot.  Your red orange glow, the way you just made me melt.  But lately, I feel like I’m just getting burned by you, over and over.  I think it’s time we just cool things down a little.  Because of the flesh being burned and everything.

8. Scissors.  At the beginning, you helped me cut through some of my issues(magazine issues) and I thought you were really sharp at the beginning.  But lately things have kind of been dull and I don’t see the point.  I just can’t handle you anymore.  You just aren’t the shear delight you used to be.  I’m just going to have to cut you out of my life. Etc. Etc.

9. Pictures. They never seem to stop talking.  Every time I turn around, they are saying like a thousand words.  They are never honest with me.  I see a sunset or a Supermoon in one way, and they see it in a much worse way.  It always seems like they are trying to blur things together.  They never seem clear about their intentions.  If they don’t start developing soon, I’m just going to have to delete them from my past.

Pictures are always saying thousands of words.

Pictures are always saying thousands of words.

10. Air.  Sometimes I just feel like their conversations are just full of themselves (hot air).  Other times when they are not around, I feel like I can’t breathe.  When it is around too much, I seem to hyperventilate.  I mean, is it okay if I just use my brown paper bag for lunch every once in a while?

I’m sorry you had to be here to witness all this, but I just couldn’t go on with all these things, knowing how they treat me.

How is that for some awkward, painful, cringe worthy break ups?  Anything you feel the need to break up with?

ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Break Up Ben

46 thoughts on “10 Things Ready for a Bitter Break Up”

  1. Are your hips out of alignment too? I know you said you have hip problems.
    Also, I thought your phone was turned off when you sleep?! Now I’m going to be worried about waking you up. Sorry if I ever have. 😦
    LoL at AIR.

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    • Mostly everything on me is out of alignment. I think one of my legs is longer than the other so that makes me a mess of alignment issues.
      Yes, my phone is turned off when I’m asleep. Sorry to cause you to worry there. You have never woken me up, so no worries.

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  3. At Least One more to add to You Excellent list, Ben. My Computer. If it were not there, I would get some much deserved Rest. But if Anybody is thinking of taking it away from me, …Over my Dead Body, guys!

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  5. Luckily I have never gotten involved with either Facebook or Twitter so I won’t have to deal with that break up.At least one time I made the right decision! Very clever, Bitter Ben! Keep up the good work!

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    • I learned that the key to happiness is low expectations. The key to bitterness is expectations just above the level that you are achieving. So my acheivements are so low that they don’t even meet my mediocre expectations.

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    • I know a lot of people want to break up with their Facebook all the time. Some actually go through with it, while others hang on to it, “because they don’t want to lose track of their family.” I hold onto Twitter so I can learn what the celebs are eating for breakfast.

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  12. this is really clever, I like the way you attribute human traits to these things. It was funny but awesomely bitter at the same time. I’ve felt your pain with the acne. And I really, really need to break up with fire because I keep feeding it and it gets bigger and bigger.

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    • I’m pretty good at attacking things that can’t attack back. You should see me rant about trees. Since they are 99% dead (I read that somewhere), they can’t fight back. That’s me, fighting against the defenseless.

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  13. I’d like to break up with myself. I’m really tired of all these inner abusive comments that only I can hear, where I judge myself for the slightest things, always found lacking. I’m bored with re-thinking the same philosophical questions from every angle. I need a vacation and I’d like to schedule a cruise — I just can’t seem to convince myself not to go along. Any better bitter suggestions? 😉

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    • It’s pretty hard to break up with yourself, because yourself is so stubborn. You would probably try to text yourself and then yourself would scoff at how tacky that was and yell at yourself. Let’s just say it would be a messy breakup. But of course, they always are.

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      • Actually, I’d rather divorce myself than break up with myself. That would be a bitter battle, and I’d be beleaguered. Who’d get custody of what?

        Self #1: I get the happy memories, you get the bills.
        Self #2: No!! I get the dogs, you get the junk mail.
        Self #1: You’ll have to do your own laundry.
        Self #2: Well, fool, you’ll have to cook for yourself. Ha!
        Self #1: Go take a hike — I’m leaving you the insomnia!
        Self #2: Yeah, well, I’m just reminding you that you can’t carry a tune, so don’t dream of being lead vocal in a rock band.

        And on it goes…. Bitter seems to fit. 🙂

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