A couple of days ago, I was watching the Bachelor’s Paradise. These are people that have been on the Bachelor and “didn’t win” in their particular cycle as if not getting engaged to the one girl or boy amongst all the contestants is losing. What we all know is that in the end is that they all lose. None of them actually get married, or become normal in the end. They all become deceitful, bitter backstabbers. In this even shorter version of the Bachelor, this show of Bachelor “losers” get together and “try to find true love” in a paradise situation that is lets face it, unrealistic. While that is enough to lead you to never want to watch this show ever, there is the painful, awkward and cringeworthy break ups. That in itself makes you not want to look away. Here is a list of 10 things that I need to have a bitter break up with.
1. Acne. I’ve been together with acne since I was in seventh grade, when the picture of my face went from smooth as the Cloud Gate in Millennium Park to the constellations of Orion’s belt. It’s been an abusive relationship. One in which I used to try to tell it to go back to its home beneath the surface and it always popping up at just the wrong time to embarrass me or cause me pain. Prom, family pictures that will last forever, job interviews…It even likes to cause me pain in other places besides the heart. I’m 41 now, acne. It’s time we parted ways.
2. The News. If I needed to know the news about the rest of the world, I would just ask my annoying co-worker or go on twitter. Besides, the news delivers only one side of the story. Bad news. Where is all the bitter news? You know how sometimes people give you an option of whether you want to hear the good news or the bad news first? Well, the “news” would just offer to tell you the bad news or the worse news first. And by the way, isn’t news by definition supposed to be new? By the time you tell me, it is olds. Maybe they should call it the “past”.
3. Rain. Rain, rain go away. Don’t come back. I don’t know if you know this rain, but I don’t need you anymore. You have been replaced. The time for your water cycle is over. Clouds are being used for storing data now. You’ve been replaced by bottled water, faucets and refrigerator filter dispensers. And by the way, you haven’t exactly visited Phoenix in the last forever. It’s kind of time you just go back to where you came from.
4. My Right Hip. Or is it my left? Whichever one is shorter and keeps making me limp. If you can’t start growing (or making the other one shrink), I think it is time to break up with you. Pack your bags, I’m sending you on a guilt trip.
5. Phones. You are annoying, you are constantly ringing at me, you are always doing stupid impressions of stupid people that are just not funny, you are always changing your tone with me, and you like to wake me up in the middle of the night. The only problem is how I should break up with you. I don’t know if I should call you, text you, or email you. Either way, I know you won’t get it, because you will pretend like you are in a “bad area”.
6. 2014. It’s only been 8 months that we have spent together, but really, you’ve kind of been a jerk the whole time. You are always “changing” around the end of the month, and it seems like you are just trying to make it to end of December so you can move on.
7. Fire. I thought you were kind of hot at the beginning. Actually really hot. Your red orange glow, the way you just made me melt. But lately, I feel like I’m just getting burned by you, over and over. I think it’s time we just cool things down a little. Because of the flesh being burned and everything.
8. Scissors. At the beginning, you helped me cut through some of my issues(magazine issues) and I thought you were really sharp at the beginning. But lately things have kind of been dull and I don’t see the point. I just can’t handle you anymore. You just aren’t the shear delight you used to be. I’m just going to have to cut you out of my life. Etc. Etc.
9. Pictures. They never seem to stop talking. Every time I turn around, they are saying like a thousand words. They are never honest with me. I see a sunset or a Supermoon in one way, and they see it in a much worse way. It always seems like they are trying to blur things together. They never seem clear about their intentions. If they don’t start developing soon, I’m just going to have to delete them from my past.
10. Air. Sometimes I just feel like their conversations are just full of themselves (hot air). Other times when they are not around, I feel like I can’t breathe. When it is around too much, I seem to hyperventilate. I mean, is it okay if I just use my brown paper bag for lunch every once in a while?
I’m sorry you had to be here to witness all this, but I just couldn’t go on with all these things, knowing how they treat me.
How is that for some awkward, painful, cringe worthy break ups? Anything you feel the need to break up with?
ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Bitter Break Up Ben
Are your hips out of alignment too? I know you said you have hip problems.
Also, I thought your phone was turned off when you sleep?! Now I’m going to be worried about waking you up. Sorry if I ever have. 😦
LoL at AIR.
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Mostly everything on me is out of alignment. I think one of my legs is longer than the other so that makes me a mess of alignment issues.
Yes, my phone is turned off when I’m asleep. Sorry to cause you to worry there. You have never woken me up, so no worries.
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Alignment issues are no joke. Seriously.
Okay, I’m glad we got the phone thing cleared up. Now I know I can text you whenever and it’s alright. 😀
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Keep on and on with the horrifying puns and your breakups might be achieved without bitterness. A bitter irony.
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No breakup should have anything but bitterness. How dare you imply that I would have anything but bitterness.
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At Least One more to add to You Excellent list, Ben. My Computer. If it were not there, I would get some much deserved Rest. But if Anybody is thinking of taking it away from me, …Over my Dead Body, guys!
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That is a great addition to the break up list. It sounds like it is going to be a bad breakup for you.
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I would never break up with you, Killer Ben. You slay me!
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Those are some unfortunate words to choose when you are talking to a Bitter Killer Ben, but you know, your choice.
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Luckily I have never gotten involved with either Facebook or Twitter so I won’t have to deal with that break up.At least one time I made the right decision! Very clever, Bitter Ben! Keep up the good work!
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Well, you will just have to sign up with them just so you can have a bitter break up with them. I gonna need you to stop making such good decisions.
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The fire one was on point. I totally laughed out loud and my cats gave me dirty looks. Great post 🙂
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The cats should be out trying to kill those daddy long legs. Or at least trying mess with some mice.
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I completely agree. They’re so judgmental.
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And some people think they own cats…Cats own their owners.
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Indeed.
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I hate to say it, but I think #1-10 have been cheating on you with me, because I was just thinking I need to break up with them, too…
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That’s why I am so bitter! They’ve been cheating with me! I guess we will both be breaking up with them!
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I think this calls for some cheesecake? I have a feeling it’s going to be a bad breakup…
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Definitely some ice cream. The worse the breakup, the better the food.
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Hmm…what about both? And while we’re at it – maybe we should start with some Philly cheesesteaks, extra cheese?
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Now you are talking. But only if you bring the Cheesesteaks. The Seattle Cheesesteaks aren’t near as good as the Philly kind.
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I can make it happen. A) It’s never good to binge alone and B) I think Ms. Manners would say that it’s appropriate for both bingers to bring something to the feast – one should never come empty handed.
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Oh shoot, I guess that means I need to bring some ice cream then. Favorite flavor?
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Birthday cake…although I could gladly enjoy any flavor as long as there are sprinkles! You know what we’re missing? A nice cold beverage…
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I am a fan of the chocolate chip cookie dough. Not sure what drink goes with ice cream, but a nice pool would be in order.
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Hey, I like that idea a lot! You need a fruity drink if you’re talking pool-time, something you can put a little umbrella in. Maybe this break up won’t be so bitter…
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It will be bitter because I will probably fall in the pool and the things I broke up with will find better jobs and significant others.
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Aw, that’s terrible! I hate it when that happens – an ex getting a better job or s.o. makes me bitter, too.
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At least when I fall in the pool it isn’t so hottt.
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There is always that. And let’s just hope you’re not holding that Philly cheesesteak I’d supply, now that would be awfully bitter.
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As long as Philly Cheesesteak is involved I’m okay.
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I love the way you see the world! Very twisted and bitter but makes for smirk-inducing reading. 😉
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I learned that the key to happiness is low expectations. The key to bitterness is expectations just above the level that you are achieving. So my acheivements are so low that they don’t even meet my mediocre expectations.
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We have forwarded this resume to the Producers. Hopefully you will be able to join the cast.
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My dad will be really proud that I forwarded my resume to anyone. I will be able to join the cast as long as I can do it from my couch. My own personal casting couch.
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You should add Facebook and Twitter….lol
Nicely done.
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I know a lot of people want to break up with their Facebook all the time. Some actually go through with it, while others hang on to it, “because they don’t want to lose track of their family.” I hold onto Twitter so I can learn what the celebs are eating for breakfast.
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I’m so with you on acne and the news and phones….and all of it! I need to break up with the flu, allergies, and coffee that isn’t strong enough. Arrrrgggghhhh!
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Acne is kind of a stalker if you ask me. I keep trying to break up, but it keeps coming back and stalking me from the arm across the way. So creepy!
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this is really clever, I like the way you attribute human traits to these things. It was funny but awesomely bitter at the same time. I’ve felt your pain with the acne. And I really, really need to break up with fire because I keep feeding it and it gets bigger and bigger.
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I’m pretty good at attacking things that can’t attack back. You should see me rant about trees. Since they are 99% dead (I read that somewhere), they can’t fight back. That’s me, fighting against the defenseless.
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I’d like to break up with myself. I’m really tired of all these inner abusive comments that only I can hear, where I judge myself for the slightest things, always found lacking. I’m bored with re-thinking the same philosophical questions from every angle. I need a vacation and I’d like to schedule a cruise — I just can’t seem to convince myself not to go along. Any better bitter suggestions? 😉
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It’s pretty hard to break up with yourself, because yourself is so stubborn. You would probably try to text yourself and then yourself would scoff at how tacky that was and yell at yourself. Let’s just say it would be a messy breakup. But of course, they always are.
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Actually, I’d rather divorce myself than break up with myself. That would be a bitter battle, and I’d be beleaguered. Who’d get custody of what?
Self #1: I get the happy memories, you get the bills.
Self #2: No!! I get the dogs, you get the junk mail.
Self #1: You’ll have to do your own laundry.
Self #2: Well, fool, you’ll have to cook for yourself. Ha!
Self #1: Go take a hike — I’m leaving you the insomnia!
Self #2: Yeah, well, I’m just reminding you that you can’t carry a tune, so don’t dream of being lead vocal in a rock band.
And on it goes…. Bitter seems to fit. 🙂
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I wonder if a judge will have to see that case. If anything it would be quite entertaining to watch. Possibly a comedy in the making.
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