I’m not good at a lot of things. I can’t snowboard (at least that I know of), I keep my desk arranged in a way that allows important things to get lost, and I am certainly not good at smiling. They say that frowning uses way more muscles than smiling, but have you seen my face? It was born with a natural frown, so without even thinking I can make even the smiliest and most upbeat people buzz off, just by relaxing the face. On the other hand, smiling for a picture makes my face hurt almost as much as my face hurts you to look at. I am good at a few things, and one of those things is being bitter, and the other is that I have a firm grasp of the obvious. Also, I am really good at predicting the future, especially when it is obvious. So join me as I amaze and astound you with my bold predictions of things that will most certainly happen.
I predict…
…that this guy will be hurting soon.
I predict…
…that this guy will never swim across the Panama Canal.
I predict…
…something more than just his pride will be hurting.
I predict…
…he won’t get recruited to help move anyone ever again.
My Spidey Sense tells me..
…that he isn’t a Skywalker.
As a medium of the obvious, I predict…
…he will not be working the forklift tomorrow…or even again for this company.
My Nostradamiusness tells me…
…he was a little shocked to find out it was an electric fence.
I’m gonna John Edwards this one…
...he’s gonna take stairs next time.
I see dead people…as well as…
…people on other planes.
I’d tell you about your bitter future…
…but then you might not be a big fan.
Swami says…
…this guy doesn’t have any concrete plans.
Tomorrow weather forecast calls for cloudy…
…with no chance of this guy making it in the army or as a major league pitcher.
I have a few more predictions. One, you will have nothing but a bitter weekend full of things that you plan to do, but don’t happen and don’t want to do, but will happen. I also predict that after this post you won’t ever want to read this blog again.
Any predictions for your weekend?
ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH
Your Bitterly Obvious Medium Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
wonderfully entertaining
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Hopefully at least a little bitter too?
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THE SWIMMING. OMG, THE SWIMMING. I watched that cycle through about five times before carrying on with the rest of the post. It wasn’t a CTM. DEFINITELY a LOL.
I also liked the ‘fan’.
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The swimmer guy looked like if he was in the olympics could have won a few races. He was pretty serious about winning that race.
The fan was pretty epic. I wish I had someone like that at my wedding keeping the proceeding lively like that.
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I loved that moving picture so much that I had to show it to Husband. He loved it so much that he had to post it somewhere on the clan website. (He’s in a clan (almost typed clam) for Battlefield.) I can still laugh thinking about it. So funny.
Was the windmill thing at a wedding? I didn’t notice.
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I see dud people.
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This post surely was a dud.
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“Darth” turned on his light saber with it pointed in the wrong direction. They teach you not to do that in Jedi School.
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That guy probably didn’t pass Jedi 101. Probably had to drop out.
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That was brilliant! 🙂 In a bitter way obviously. I’m also grinning in a bitter way. Grr.
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Definitely in a bitter way. I can imagine myself doing most of the things on here.
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I would be that guy in the first Gif; finally talked into doing something a little bit stupid and having it go downhill from there…
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I would be the guy thinking I was perfectly safe and someone says, “Hey whatever you do, don’t let go!” and as soon as they said that letting go.
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when i was little, i was asked does it hurt to smile & now it does
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It totally does. My frown is so much easier.
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That is a neat trick that I will use so no one ever asks me to help them move!
(I’m traumatized by all things to do with moving. Plus, I’m lazy and selfish and don’t want to do other people’s chores when I’m already bad at doing my own. Wait… I think you’re rubbing off on me.)
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I plan on doing it whenever I get the chance. I hate moving in general, especially when it involves moving off the couch. I’m glad I’m rubbing off on you, if only just a smidge. Bitterness will make the world go grinding to a halt.
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Pain for 15 minutes of fame. What a bargain.
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It would be well worth it for me. I would probably keep doing things that were painful just to extend my 15 minutes.
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I predict you will write another bitterly post this weekend 🙂
Love your bitterness and am so glad to have Bitterness permeating my blog site..
Thanks for the visits Bitter Ben…enjoying your blog always 🙂
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You were so close to predicting it, but fell short of my bitterly amazing forecasting skills. I didn’t do a post this weekend. Your forecasting should have seen I had bitter things to do!
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Doggone it!! I bitterly missed it 😀
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You were so close, yet so bitterly far.
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YOU freaking crack me up!!! I’ve come up with a plan. Instead of answering the phone and saying what you’re directed to say, just ONE time (what are the odds of it being recorded and listened to…really?) say “Hi, and thanks for your interest in anal butt plugs. Are you looking for small medium or extra large, so I know what department to transfer you to. Come on… DO IT!! It’ll make you laugh your ass off, the man on the other end extremely embarrassed as he’s obviously dialed the wrong number, and perhaps lighten your day a bit. I say go for it. Then get up to use the bathroom, because you know he’s going to hang up and call right back. Let someone else take the call. 🙂 Have a bitter day!!!
~Kate
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How about I just don’t answer the phone and just let people figure out their own messes instead of bothering me to fix their messes.
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That might put a slight decrease in your paycheck though…
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But, it might also improve it. You never know unless you try.
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Well, let me know how that works out for ya! 🙂
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I’ll tell you how it works out for you. It doesn’t. That is the bitter way. Disappointment. So did you find out the results of your court date?
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No. Not yet. But they’re getting married on September 6th. I have a strong feeling there’s going to be a big crimp in their honeymoon. WHOOPS 🙂
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I like the way you are thinking. I would be really good at making monkey wrenches in people’s plans. My passive aggressiveness is suited for just a task.
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OMG Mine too!! I can’t say I’m proud of it, but it comes very naturally.
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I can say that I am pretty proud of my ability.
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And it WILL work out for me. This grown man has to sit before a judge and explain how the death of a child is funny, AND why, if he was laid off for the whole winter, he couldn’t find the time to take the court ordered parenting class. I’m just going to walk in and keep my mouth shut. He digs his own holes. I can’t wait to see him TRY to climb out of this one.
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Mouth shut, but hopefully laughing pretty hard.
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Yes, I’ll bite my tongue (and think of you laughing at me) until we exit the court room. 🙂
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I guess you should wait to laugh until after you are done.
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It’s going to be tough, but it’s for the best interest of my son. You have kids, right? Would you not go for the jugular to protect them? And if it means biting my tongue so as not to piss off the judge, so be it. I’ll have a bloody tongue but I’ll also have sole custody of my one and only. He keeps popping them out like hike his girlfriend is a freaking pez dispenser. It’s disgusting. They don’t know thing about parenting (I’m pretty sure it’s not right to tell your 9 year old son that you were a crack addict and an alcoholic with the counter tops filled with empty beer bottles.) But… since you don’t need a license to have kids, they continue to pop them out, claim poverty so they government pays for their food and health insurance AND both of them have a criminal record. I did make the suggestion that they make the first page of their wedding album a picture of each of their mug shots and underneath they can title it “Our Journey Together.” My heart breaks for the kids who HAVE to grow up in their house. The kids who have no escape. The kids who are not even 2 yet and being yelled and screamed at and called names. That is my ONLY concern. Those poor kids don’t stand a chance.
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So what you are saying is that the raising kids licensce I got is bogus? Gosh dang I feel like I got hoaxed.
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I LOVE your posts. That is all.
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Now if you could just get all your Facebook followers to love them too, I wouldn’t be so bitter.
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I predict that my weekend will go 100% better than any of your featured unfortunates. It’s also hard NOT to predict that the “gymnast” in the first gif didn’t DIE.
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Predicting these things can be tricky, but I’ve learned to master my grasp of the obvious.
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yes, it’s clear you have the gift
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I know right? People have no idea how hard it is to be a clairvoyant of such obvious things.
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The bitterness in this post actually made my day better. Which is probably not what was intended. I promise I’ll get back to being bitter later. Meanwhile, that first gif—I’m really afraid that guy is no longer with us. How high was that ledge? Was he wearing a parachute? Was there a giant Wile E. Coyote style trampoline at the bottom waiting to catch him? What, in the name of all that is good, made him think that doing gymnastics on a canyon wall was a good idea? *sigh* People.
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I’m sure he had a spotter at the bottom. Especially if he was going for Olympic gold. Though I imagine that the spotter dropped him just like most spotters do. Oh well, he’s probably doing gymnastics in the sky.
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hahaha Loved them all – but especially the dog going in for the “kill” on Darth Vader! Thanks for the laugh. I hope your weekend is bitter enough for you 😉 Cheers
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I’m pretty sure that guy dressed up as Vader wasn’t related. He doesn’t have the force like the rest of the Skywalkers.
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Oh my goodness, this is so funny!
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It’s also pretty amazing how I predicted these people’s futures. They don’t call me the Bitter Obvious Predictor for nothing.
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