I told you I was Batman.  You totally didn’t believe me! If you read this blog with any regularity, (meaning you read on Monday) I asked the question to you if you wanted Bitter Advice from.  I thought it was a joke, because really? Someone wants advice from me? But a few people responded (with questions even!) so I am here on a Thursday answering question Dear Abby style, except not like that at all.  So as I blab along even further, here is some of the questions I got and some of the bitter answers you will get.  All of the questions will be anonymous, except for me adding their name and blog sight so you can hunt them down if you don’t like their question or me if you don’t like my answer.

Dear Bitter Ben,

Do you secretly want to be Liam Neeson? You seem to imply … [I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.] Gobetweenflames

Bitter Gobetweenflames,

Liam has been dying to play me in a movie because it would challenge even his most bitter characters to date.  As you know, most of the characters Liam plays are bitter, divorced fathers, alcoholic, deadbeat guy that kills a lot of people just because he has a gun.  But, Liam has yet to stretch himself to be as bitter a guy as me.  One that sits around all day on the couch, complaining about traffic, moving and heartburn.  Liam, you know where to find me.

 

Dear Bitter Ben,

My Dear Ben, Thanks for giving this nice opportunity to get Real Answers! You know, in the good old days, when the ticket machine would not deliver, We used to kick them. Now, my computer is very slow. Do You think Dropping it down from a height of some two metres would improve its speed? Can’t think of kicking it. Yours truly and all that.  – swamiyesudas

Bitter Swamiyesudas,

I’m not sure what you mean by a metre.  Is that some sort of device on the street that gives you a ticket if you park there illegally or don’t feed it some change? You really need to use smaller words when asking me for advice.

 

Dear Bitter Ben,

I think I could do with some bitter advice coming from you. The thing is, my internet has become incredibly slow from the past two days. The speed is like that of a dial – up connection (maybe even slower) and this is making me very angry as the internet is a huge part of my life. I tried venting my anger out on the customer service people of the internet company but they do not respond to me well. Those people may have started cracking jokes about me. What should I do with all of this anger and bitterness inside me? – Keerthi Poojari

 

Bitter Keerthi,

Here is what you do when your internet is slow.  You sit there and don’t do anything until it gets faster.  You whine and complain and say “uuuuhhhh, why does my life suck so much?” Then just keep clicking on refresh because we all know if you just keep doing that, it will work someday.

 

Dear Bitter Ben,

I’m annoyed. Your posts used to be easy to find on my Reader page. But now I scroll and scroll and nothing. I actually had to go to Google and type Ben’s Bitter Blog to get here and that’s just not right. So here’s my question. Why doesn’t WordPress have an easy to use search feature so I can find your blog? This is important because without your blog my Pollyanna nature gets the best of me and I start looking like a gray-haired Hayley Mills on a bad hair day. Help me please! – Barbara Rath

 

Bitter Barbara,

I’m gonna go ahead and say that I’m bitterly jealous of your last name.  Can you imagine the possibilities of using in bad puns?  Hi, I’m Barbara Rath of Khaaaaann!  or “I just can’t Rath my head around what you are saying!”.  I am just so bitterly jealous of you last name.  The only name that is better is my last name which is Bitter.

 

Dear Bitter Ben,

What makes you more bitter:
1) Wet, grey winter weather?
2) This week’s boiling hot weather?

Shelley

Bitter Shelley,

The third option.  I just heard that it rains diamonds on Neptune.  Why am I not living there and selling those diamonds to the pathetic people of earth! And also I hate the other two options as well.

 

Dear Bitter Ben,

How do I get my kids to stop telling me they’re “bored” this summer?
What should I do when I’m too lazy to get up off the couch and the remote is too far away?
How do I get people to leave me alone so I can watch my Golden Girls reruns in peace?

She’s a Maineiac

Bitter Maineiac,

To answer your first question, I ask you one.  You pay attention to your kids?  Why? The best way to get them to stop telling you stuff is to not listen to them.

Now this is what kids are for.  Or you keep watching whatever happens to be on TV.  You should never get up from your couch.  It is too dangerous.

If you have some food, throw it outside and they should follow.  Or Ipads work too.

 

Dear Ben (if that’s your REAL name),

I have this thing on my leg. I feel very alone with this, even though you’re never really alone when you have a thing on your leg. What should I do?

Yours in confusion,
Karen

Bitter Karen,

That thing on you leg? It’s called a knee.  What is does is there are these ligament thingys that bend and stretch to make you do horrible things like move and walk.  I would suggest getting them removed so you can sit on the couch all day like I do.  Then, when the zombie apacalypse comes they will think you are already one of them, or they will turn you into a zombie and you can continue sitting on the couch.  Either way, you win.

 

Alright that is enough.  I’m tired of answering your questions.  Typing takes a lot out of me and I’ve got naps to feed, and bellies to sleep.  And yeah, so I didn’t get to all your questions, but so what? Are you going to sue me? Go ahead.  Your lawyer won’t be able to find me, because I’m not at all predictable in which couch I sit on.

By the way, I will keep doing this every Thursday, if you keep sending bitter questions.  So please, keep bothering me with you questions. I like them so much.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter B.A.T. Man Ben