It will probably be cancelled before it ever starts.
Hello bitter people who occasionally read my blog. I have a question for you. Yeah you. You know. The one that reads this because you are bored at work and you have no access to anything on the internet but WordPress…. Yeah you. One commenter of my blog suggested that I am really good at giving bad and bitter advice. So I was just wondering if any of you would be interested in me doing a post occasionally about me answering your questions(no matter how bad or innane) and giving bitter advice. The downside is that your name would appear on my blog and someone might recognize you and want to follow your blog because they felt bad that you appeared here. The upside is that there is no upside. You know how it goes here. If you feel like this is something that you want on here, go ahead and leave a question. If I get desperate enough, I will just make up stuff and put your names on there anyways. If you don’t have any questions, ignore it and I will come after you. I will find all of you. Everyone one of you that don’t respond. It will take a while for me to do, but I will get my revenge on you, and it will be the most bitter revenge ever. They don’t call me Revengerman for nothing. So, who’s first? Got any questions?
ARRRGGGGHHH
Bitter Advisor Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
Does the Spearmint lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?
How could you believe me when i said I loved you when you know I’ve been a liar all my life?
Where have all the flowers gone?
Et tu, Brute?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Who hath not in all his quiver’s choice an arrow for the heart like a sweet voice?
Quo usque tandem abutere, Catalina, patientia nostra?
Do androids dream of electric sheep?
How can I get these red spots off my toga?
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Yes.
You look in a mirror.
To the Flower Garden.
No Mas Para Ti.
Cause the parkway is jammed and the jamway is parked.
I don’t know why the sweet voice has a quiver.
Eres tu?
No they don’t have electric sheep.
All temperature Cheer.
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I have been reading your blog for almost a year and still haven’t become bitter. Is there hope for me?
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There is no hope for you. You will always be one of those non bitter people. I’ve given up on you. Like I give up on everything.
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Pingback: In case you missed it…Because you were busy getting trapped in a toy store | Ben's Bitter Blog
Do you secretly want to be Liam Neeson? You seem to imply … [I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.]
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Nope don’t want to be Liam Neeson. He isn’t bitter enough for me.
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I’ll just telepathically send you my questions as I’m too lazy to actually type them out. You can respond in kind…
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And I am way to lazy to answer.
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My Dear Ben, Thanks for giving this nice opportunity to get Real Answers! You know, in the good old days, when the ticket machine would not deliver, We used to kick them. Now, my computer is very slow. Do You think Dropping it down from a height of some two metres would improve its speed? Can’t think of kicking it. Yours truly and all that.
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I hope I answered your question correctly (I didn’t). But keep submitting for next week and you may again appear on the Bitter advice column!
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That is great, Ben! Can I pose the question here? Viz: If I stand on my head while sleeping, will I get good questions to ask You?
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If you just meditate long enough you will have many questions that you are too bitter to ask.
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I think I could do with some bitter advice coming from you. The thing is, my internet has become incredibly slow from the past two days. The speed is like that of a dial – up connection (maybe even slower) and this is making me very angry as the internet is a huge part of my life. I tried venting my anger out on the customer service people of the internet company but they do not respond to me well. Those people may have started cracking jokes about me. What should I do with all of this anger and bitterness inside me?
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I am great for offering useless or harmful advice. You’re welcome after you curse my name for bad advice.
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Everyone could use some bitter advice. Some people just don’t think about it as much as they should, so that I why I’m here.
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I’m annoyed. Your posts used to be easy to find on my Reader page. But now I scroll and scroll and nothing. I actually had to go to Google and type Ben’s Bitter Blog to get here and that’s just not right. So here’s my question. Why doesn’t WordPress have an easy to use search feature so I can find your blog? This is important because without your blog my Pollyanna nature gets the best of me and I start looking like a gray-haired Hayley Mills on a bad hair day. Help me please!
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I gave you some age bitter advice that had nothing to do with your question. You’re welcome.
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I’m annoyed too, about everything. Thanks for coming up with at least something to be bitter about. The world is so much more bitter because of you.
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Love the idea!
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I will thank the person whose idea it was.
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It’s because it so original that Dear Abby wasn’t doing it millions of years ago.
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What makes you more bitter:
1) Wet, grey winter weather?
2) This week’s boiling hot weather?
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I would say that you should check my post today for your answer on this.
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I would like nothing more than to see a bitter advice column done by you – it would make me happy that you were unhappy that people were actually asking questions and listening to you, you!, about how to run their lives. Go for it.
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Here is some bitter advice from me. Don’t listen to a bitter word I ever say.
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So I am about toys and positive attitude but tonight I learned I can be bitter too. I finally had a night where I didn’t want to post,or think, or laugh about my own posts. I just wanted to go to the reader and be entertained, learn from others and maybe pick up a fun fact or short story. But no! This has to be the first post I see – and you’re asking me to write something for you. REALLY? Do I sound bitter? Yes, I suppose that’s the down side. The up side is that any exposure is good exposure. Now, Bitter Ben, what advice to you have for people that comment on your blog and its not at all what you intended, or expected, for feedback?
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I think there is bitterness in all of us. We just need to seek it out instead of hiding it inside. I glad I could help you find your bitter side.
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You did…I’ll consider mine ‘bitter sweets’. Blog on!
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I will definitely participate in this. Might take me a while to think of some advice-type question to ask, but I’ll come up with something and probably text it to you. It might be a few days.
Husband would probably come up with something like this faster than I would.
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Well, no worries about coming up with something. I’ve already got a lot of questions for the next time, but I will be looking forward to questions you have later. It is pretty hard to come up with stuff on the spot, so no worries.
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I asked Husband to think of something and I guess everybody sucks at coming up with stuff on the spot. (Or most people, at least.)
I’m hoping that once I’m feeling a bit more like myself, I’ll be able to come up with something.
Have you already had questions pouring in?
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I’ve had quite a few questions yeah, and yeah they are hard to come up with. It took me a little while to come up with one for your video.
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Well, I really appreciate you being able to think of one. (And someone else kind of expanded on that one after seeing yours, so good one!)
Are you going to carry on with the advice column or call it after the one?
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I’d like to do it again, if people ask questions. I think as long as people ask, I will answer bitterly of course.
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Have people asked questions?
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Yeah, but I’m not really feeling it happening again. I think if anything it will just be a once a month thing, if that. I didn’t really enjoy doing it that much.
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Well, unless I missed the advice column (which is possible), you gave up on it.
If you didn’t really enjoy it that much, why would you do it again?
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Question: Does your boss read your blog? And if so, why are you still employed?
(Hey where’s my finder’s fee?)
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I will go ahead and try to bitterly answer this one in the Advice column. And finder’s fee? Why would you ever think I had some money from garage sale? Those people don’t pay for everything.
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This is a bitterly brilliant idea, Ben! I am pleased to assign you my official “Agony Uncle,” even though I’m older than you. So here’s my burning issue: I have chickens and I post pictures of them from time to time (read: constantly) on my blog. Do you think I need to be concerned about protecting their identities? Should I start changing names to protect the innocent? I would really hate if photos of my hens were to wind up as chicken porn. Please advise.
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Yeah all my brilliant ideas come from other people. Just wait until you hear all my other ideas I steal from other people. I would be glad to use your um, special question on my Bitter Advice Column.
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Iawait your bitterly sage reply. 😊
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I didn’t include you on this one but next time, for sure.
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What is the Anti Bitter Antidote?
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That is too many opposites for me to process. But if you want something to make you bitter try rhubarb.
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I love this idea and I swear to you I was posting tomorrow some made-up advice to fabricated questions about aging…. “Dear Miss Menopause” style. Okay so hear goes…. Dear Bitter Ben — please tell me how to keep from being labeled a Debbie Downer or a pessimist when I am really just a Realist. Thank you!
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I guess this idea for me was born out of the notion that I have absolutely no knowledge of anything to offer anyone and that would just make them bitter.
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Great idea, says my wife. Why does my wife like your blog and thinks mine sux? What can I do to make her like it?
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Well, my wife thinks mine sucks too, so I guess we at least have that in common too.
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Revengerman? Nice. But I think that doing an advice column is a great idea! 🙂
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Yes, I had a companion from my mission call me that because every time he did something to me I always had to get him back twice as hard. And I do have to admit I’m kind of a revenger anyways.
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Haha, nice 😛
Your mission? Oooo where’d you serve?
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I went really exotic. Utah Ogden mission.
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…BWAHAHA I think it’s hilarious when people get sent to Utah :3 I mean, if I go on one, I’d like to go there too (or Nauvoo, that’d be fun), but still. So you’re LDS, right?
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I think it was the safest place for them to put me, without me causing to much destruction. It was actually a good place to serve. Lots of people to teach and members were helpful sometimes…I’m sure you will go somewhere like that. I am LDS, yeah, but only since I was 8.
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Dear Ben,
When I would listen to Michael Jackson’s song, Change the world, while in elementary school, I always thought he really would change the world. He didn’t. Now I am wondering what music you listened to while growing up? Maybe that is why you are so bitter? 😉 I’m sure its because New Kids on the Block broke up, but I’ll let you say it out loud for yourself.
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My favorites were Bitter Pill and Bittersweet Symphony. Also some other songs that were not about changing the world to make it a better place.
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Off the top of my head, I know that summer means reruns. But lately, it seems like it’s double runaround sue reruns, meaning the same darn episode of Ninja Warriors is on three times a week. Or Last Comic Standing. So I get my hopes up that it’s a new episode and then son of a gun, if it’s not the same episode they showed on Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday morning. Is there really that much air space available? Why can’t they just show old Love Boats? How should I handle my emotional state after the defeat of realizing I’ve already seen it?
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I think the problem comes when the television executives do research. For some reason, they see 1 or 2 people go outside and they assume that people don’t watch television in the summer. Weirdo’s.
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You might be right.But I still watch 10-12 hrs per day.
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As do I. You have to make sure you’re not missing any crappy programming.
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Dear Ben (if that’s your REAL name),
I have this thing on my leg. I feel very alone with this, even though you’re never really alone when you have a thing on your leg. What should I do?
Yours in confusion,
Karen
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Of course that isn’t my real name. Bitter Ben is my real name. I think I will go ahead an answer that question of yours last Thursday. How does that sound?
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That will have sounded wonderful, Mr. Ben (may I someday call you Bitter?).
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You can always call me Bitter. As far as using the w word? It hurts as much as the word Voldemort does to witches and wizards.
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I don’t have a question right now, but I think it’s an awesome idea.
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Well, I will be bitter to answer your question in a most unfulfilling way as soon as I get one.
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I think you are entertaining and I enjoy reading you. If you started an advice column, I would read it too!
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Perhaps I will do one last Thursday. I’m good at predicting the past.
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I would love to ask bitter questions…
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Well anytime you feel like getting a bitter response, send me that bitter question.
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I’m getting bored with the usual vodka drinks.
Could you share with us readers your recipe for a Bitter Advice martini?
Yours in thirst,
Blogdramedy
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How about a do you one better, I’ll find you a bitter lemonade recipe.
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Deal.
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yes, i would like you to answer my questions. i would even pay for good answers to my questions
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I will as always provide answers that have nothing to do with what you are asking. Cause I’m cool like that.
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that’s fine as long as i get the right answers also
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My answers are always right because they are my opinion.
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& that’s your opinion..my opinion too that you are always right
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My opinion is that I’m always bitter.
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here’s another question: what do you think when someone clicked like on 3 of your post 3 minutes ago? they are speed readers? read 500 words in one minute? my page takes 5 minutes to change for me
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They are not reading it and they are just clicking like. No 3 ways about it.
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you know what you speak of
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If it is bitter then, I know what I speak of .
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& if it’s thursday u know what u speak of
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I don’t know what I speak of.
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lol.. i know what u speak of
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you are a medium then.
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I think it would be awesome. In fact, if you need practice, I put out a Dear Bacon column every Tuesday. Maybe you should fill in for me one week? Thoughts? XOXO – Bacon
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I could totally fill in completely inadequately. I am the best at screwing up really badly things that should be done simply.
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I’m sure you would be just fine my friend. XOXO – Bacon
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I would be just fine screwing it up, yes.
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Great idea. I will def. get back to you.
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I’m sure you have hundreds of questions that you want answered that I most certainly will not do.
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How do I get my kids to stop telling me they’re “bored” this summer?
What should I do when I’m too lazy to get up off the couch and the remote is too far away?
How do I get people to leave me alone so I can watch my Golden Girls reruns in peace?
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These are some great questions, which I almost certain will be used for my inaugural Bitter Advice column.
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I certainly wouldn’t mind being publicly embarrassed. Could work…
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I publicly embrarrass myself all the time. I don’t even have to try hard to do it!
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Unfortunately, I know this all too well!
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If only I had all that crap on film, I’d be going viral on Youtube every day.
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