What’s the Bitter Idea?

/ bensbitterblog
Or people that I do know.

Or people that I do know.

Since I’m an introvert, (which means I only talk or listen to people when I feel like it), I have a lot of time for observation.  I like to observe people because it gives me the opportunity to judge them and make wild assumptions about why I can’t stand them.  Of course, when people talk to me, they usually prove me right. It really sucks being able to have this ability, but you know, that is just another reason why I am bitter.

Mine's a little emptier, but definitely witty text banter.

Mine’s a little emptier, but definitely witty text banter.

Back to my point.  As an observer, I get to see people make wicked fools out of themselves all the time.  I pretend not to watch people fall in a rain puddles, or when a boy is trying to impress a girl and it is clear that not only is it not working, but he has no idea it isn’t working.  It also gives me a lot of time to come up with ideas.  Lots and lots of ideas.  Mostly really bad ones that will damage the very fabric of humanity, or will simply just annoy people.  While it would be great to implement these ideas, I either have no time, no talent, or no ability to build these enormous machines that would destroy your house and your ability to know it was me.  So until I get that inheritance from my dad Lottery McLucky, who doesn’t want to share with his other sapplings, I’m stuck trying to implement the terrible and cheap ideas.

Thing is….every once in a while, a genius idea appears (yes even to me).  A brilliant book idea that must be written immediately…a genius invention that will change the world for the bitter, or a recipe (not for disaster, but for a tree printer, that prints money).

I've got such a great idea...SQUIRREL!

I’ve got such a great idea…SQUIRREL!

Problem is…My mind is a jerk.  It is bitter and angry and jealous. It’s probably because I get to live outside the body, and even though he operates my arms and legs and bitter face, he doesn’t get any credit.  So you wanna know how he gets his revenge? Ideas.  He knows every single one that I have ever thought of…or that he thought of.  But he hides behind the short term memory.  He knows I’m like Doug, the squirrel chasing dog, and he knows that once that 30 second window of short term memory is up, he can put that sucker into a deep dark recess of the brain that he knows I can’t access.  Because I didn’t find some mnemonic device or some trigger that helped me remember.  He knows he’s got me.  And he stores that bitter idea up there something fierce.  He’s not letting that thing go.  He’s locked it up, in the Idea Safe and there is no way I’m getting that thing out.  It’s bulletproof, waterproof, fireproof and the combination is 40 numerals long.  Though having a safe with just four possible combinations would suffice for a math averse, lazy idiot like me.  But just so he gets the most satisfaction, he taunts me with glimpses, or deja vu’s or recurring dreams, just so I will almost remember it, then lose it again, bitter and frustrated.

Ain't no party like a neuron party.

Ain’t no party like a neuron party.

Your mind may do that to you too, but mine takes it one step further.  He throws parties, shoots off neuron particle firework shows, and clogs up my his information highway, so I can’t remember answers that I clearly perused one time in a book. He’s kind of a jerk, making me study so much just so I can use a calculator to add up 1+1.  (It’s three right? Shut up, brain, you know it is 4!)

Well, my brain is going to pay for this.  I’m going to post this thing and expose how much of a jerk he is.  And the best part is that I am going to make him make my hands type it.  Take that you stupid brain!  Just try to stop me .sajdflkajfdslkjfdlaslfdk;jfd.  That’s it, Brain! I’m hitting publish and there’s nothing you can ksdlajflk about it!  There is going to be an Idea Vault break in when you least expect it!

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Brainiac Ben

 

 

 

 

67 thoughts on “What’s the Bitter Idea?”

  1. I’m beginning to think that perhaps your brain and my brain are somehow related… like distant relatives… like third cousins twice removed (how does that ‘removed’ thing even work, anyway? Nobody I know seems to understand it…!) Maybe you’re my spirit animal… or is it bitter animal… bitter spirit? Hmmm there needs to be a better term for this…. perhaps our bitter brains needs to brainstorm together?

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  4. I think you’re on to something, using threats and intimidation against your brain to get it to cough up information. Obviously it’s time to get tough with the grey matter. I’m pretty much at that point myself. My neurons are holding back on me too, and I’m NOT liking it. You’ll let us know if you have a bitter breakthrough, huh? GREAT POST, as always!
    (ps. The pizza section of your brain might be slightly under-represented in your graph)

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  5. Pingback: In case you missed it…because the media was chasing you | Ben's Bitter Blog

  6. Really? What is so bad about having a bitter brain…you should try having a bitter female brain…the fun never stops…ideas flow in and they flow out..in and out ..in and out… ARGGGGGGGGGG!

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  15. Brains are teases. It happens. Take a nap.

    That be what I do when I know I have an idea, but don’t know what it is.

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  19. I am completely agreeing with you on silently judging others. It’s amazing to see how little self-awareness people can have when interacting with others. Then again, too much self-awareness can be pretty bad too. Such is life. The frustrating thing is that I spend a lot of time thinking up how I would let them know about how annoying they are, knowing very well that these thoughts and opinions are going to stay in my head and those people are going to go away and live their lives completely unaffected. I wish I had the courage to be that dick who confronts people about being dicks.

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  21. The worst part is when your brain convinces you that your ideas are original, and then you consult the Internet and pretty soon you realize your brain is a plagiarist.

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  22. Bitter comment? Really? Do you want to read a bluntly honest comment? I did not read your whole post. You lost me after first two paragraphs. Why? Because I am hungry right now.

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  25. THAT was BRILLIANT! It’s too bad I don’t know html shortcode or anything, cuz I would have really liked to up the font size and super-bold that “brilliant”… Either way, GREAT POST! 😀

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  26. Your brain is so much like my brain. Or maybe it’s my brain is so much like yours. Whatever. I bet your ideas are much better (and bitter) than mine … if we could only access them. Thanks for making me feel bitter about my brain and about being an introvert.

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  27. The worse part is you know you are brilliant but the people around you are not. You are therefore the Dr. Sheldon Cooper of brain power, alone and creative beyond comprehension. I salute a fellow brain power source.

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