My favorite delivery guy.
If you know me in real life (which you really don’t want to), you know that not a Friday may pass without pizza being in my life (and by in my life, I mean in my stomach). It is one of the least complicated and best traditions I’ve ever had. It ensures that I don’t have to bring my lunch with me to work, it ensures that there is one thing that I can count on, and most of all, it is conveniently cut into 8 slices JUST FOR ME. I feel sorry for the rest of you that have to cut it yourselves. It must suck for you to know that Pizza places don’t do the things for you that they do for me. In fact, when I feel too lazy to pick it up myself, they will offer to drive the pizza from their store to my house for a low, low price of $3.95 plus the price of the pizza, plus the price of the tax and only a 25% tip. See how good I have it and you don’t?
I have pizza so much that I am starting to turn into one. In fact, does it feel hot to you right now? I’m so hot right now, I have tomato sauce in my veins. Pretty soon someone is going to think I am a pizza and cut me up into 8 slices of Bitteroni. Actually people already do, but metaphorically. Do you ever feel so pulled by other forces that you feel like 8 different slices of pizza being distributed in 8 different ways? Yeah me too.
No pressure here.
Piece #1: Pepperoni. This piece goes by the name of “family”. This eighth of the pizza pie is the one you wish would be the whole pie, the one that you wish you could spend all the time with, but bitterly, there are other 7/8 of the pizza that are greedy pigs that are boring, and just want you for greedy reasons, that only call when they need something. Though sometimes they do expect you to get off the couch and go to a place they call the “outdoors”, and they want you to spend money on them too. Oh and they expect that you remember their birthdays. Oh and anniversaries. Oh and they want parties with annoying neighborhood kids. But other than that…
If only my work computer could download pizza.
Piece #2: Work. Sardines and Onions. This piece wants to rob you of your soul, and your energy, and your time. But on the other hand, it allows you to be paid 1/8 of what you are worth. Work only requires that you be there 1/2 of the day and only 100% of the day that is light outside. Work always makes sure it is so conveniently close to where you live so you only have to spend 2-4 hours getting there everyday. Work allows you the freedom of paying for the bus, train or other PT for only lots of money, or allowing you to buy a car and paying for really cheap gas to get there. Work gives you the privelege of getting off for 1 hour per day to eat something, in which it allows you to not get paid for. There are rewards though. They allow you to donate money to the government, life insurance, medical insurance and 401K, even if you never get to benefit from any of those things! Also, if you feel like donating more money to the government, you can work overtime, where ever more of you money goes to government, where they carefully spend the money on planes, swanky apartments, and only the finest of dining (and perhaps other) establishments.
Who needs friends when you have pizza?
Piece #3: Friends. The Supreme Piece. Not because friends are great, but more because of how random and all over they place they are. I had “friends” in kindergarten that I don’t even talk to anymore. I spent the good portion of 2 hours for 8 months talking to these people and yet here I am 30 some years later and not once have I ever received a call, text, smoke signal, Instagram follow, care package or even a Flag Day card. Clearly if you can’t even think of me on Flag Day, you aren’t my friend. On the other hand, there have been people I’ve met once at a function that I didn’t want to say a word to, barely looked in the direction of, and scowled the whole time I was ignoring them talking to me, and yet they will call, text, stand outside my door waiting for me to go to work, can tell me the kind of cereal I like to eat the third Saturday of May of every year and somehow they think they are loyal enough to be call themselves a friend. Regardless, they want about 90% of my time, but are only willing to give me 10% back. Cause what are friends for?
Piece #4: Social Media. This is the desert piece of pizza. This piece demands 90% of your attention(which is why you need to do it at work). You need to tell all your “followers” what you are doing at all times. Because followers demand to know. They need to know what you had for breakfast. They need to know about your family. They need to know about your work, and your leisure and your vacation schedule. They need to know what games you are playing on your phone. They need to know every scandal, every argument, they need photographs of your kids, and videos of every blooper you ever make. They need all these things so that they can hit like and move on to the next person that they don’t care about. So you need to work hard, writing, typing, taking pictures and making videos, and posting, just for the chance that maybe, just maybe, a sitcom writer, or comedian, or model scout that has nothing better to do with just happen to randomly come upon your video, Facebook quote, blog post, or tweet and realize that they should pay you millions of dollars because they like that picture of your dog and want to make a reality show out of your not very interesting life.
Piece #5: Sports. This is a piece of Canadian Bacon & Pineapple. Not every likes it, and it’s seasons go in waves. It doesn’t require my attention until the last two minutes of the game. The football topping requires every Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Thursdays from September to February. The basketball topping requires a glance from time to time from November to April, then late April to early June requires laser like focus. At least until you lose the playoff topping. Then the piece goes stale way earlier and you will feel ill until next November.
Piece #6: Traffic. This is the “Papa Murphy’s piece”. You have to eat it in order to survive, but the whole time you are complaining at other people around you, wishing you were eating any other kind of pizza or food for that matter. It isn’t delivered, you have to do all the work, and it still tastes like cardboard. You are irritated the whole time eating it, you just want to listen to music, play on your phone or anything else that will help transport you away from this miserable experience…of eating pizza.
Piece #7: Television. The veggie piece. When all the other pizza of your life are grabbing your attention, and you just want to ignore them by just staring into space, but space isn’t available, or you are too lazy to walk outside to stare at it, television is your shrine. The television is the male version of going to a salon or the bathroom, or to any other place that women like to go and discuss things with their friends. It gives you numerous subjects to talk about (whatever the crap you are staring at), it is the great awkward silence obliterator, and it gives you some background noise for when you are using your laptop, or phone to play Candy Crush. Also, it is a way nap, but still seem like you are doing something. “Honey, are you taking a nap?”, “Nmn, nope just watching the President’s speech on important stuff…”. Time it takes from me: %10. Time it should take: 100%.
Pizza and video games? My head might explode!
Piece #8: Video Games. Stuffed Crust. The piece you just can’t wait to eat, the tastiest piece, but the one you have to wait the longest for. When you taste them, they transport you to a world where all your worries are gone, except getting the coolest piece of swag, or the best sword or gun, or fighting the evilest of bosses. This piece could take up your whole life happily, but in the end is the most neglected. Time it takes from me: 10% Time it should take: 100%.
So if you are some sort of math major or someone that cares about stats, I’m sure you could tell there was way too many unimportant things taking away from the important. Let’s just say if I don’t get rid of the unimportant things, I’m going to be and extra burnt out pizza pie. So work, how about three days a week, 3 hours a day? Sounds bitter to me.
How about you? What kind of pizza is giving you heartburn? How many different slices is your pizza? Tell me about your bitter pizza.
ARRRRGGGGHHHH
Bitter Pizza Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
The workings of your mind never cease to amaze and entertain me Ben. This is a masterpiece. Please don’t show that GIF of the breathing pizza to your cardiologist, okay. My favorite by far was number seven, television, or (whatever the crap you are staring at). Yeah, that pretty much nails it down whenever I ask my husband what he is watching and he gives me the blank stare. Ha, hah, hahaahaaa….
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My blank stare is my wife’s least favorite. She gets pretty bitter about the amount of time it takes me to break the stare too.
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Pingback: In In case you missed it…because you were busy telling your mom sorry for being such a bitter brat | Ben's Bitter Blog
There are no slices for me. Just pizza bites. Is that a thing? Or are there only bagel bites? Well, whatever. I have so many that I couldn’t bear to bitterly list the Toppings. I wish my pizza had Stoppings. But still and all, I don’t have tomato sauce in my veins so that’s at least something. Ben Gardner? This blog was great! Just the right amount of spice, bitter/sour, metaphor and humor. You put the pizazz in pizza!
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There are those Totino Pizza rolls. Those used to be my go to snack between pizzas. I think a lot of people would like me to Stopping.
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Stuffed crust pizza ALL THE WAY! Or occasional meat lovers stuffed crust. As long as there’s stuffed crust. Just give it to me already!!!!!!
My all time favorite is salami and banana peppers. The salami sweat just oozes all over and dances with the banana pepper’s juices. I discovered this when I lived in Germany. MmhmM MmhmM! “Real Italian” pizza.
And pizza has all food groups, so you’re not hurting your body at all. Lol
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I’m totally down with the stuffed crust, but mad at the deciet of them using the thinner crust to do it. I realized that a couple of years ago and was mad that they duped me like that. If they could do pan crust with the stuffed crust then they would have a fan for life..until they messed up next time.
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You should have done Hawaiian….it would have chilled you out a bit. Aloha. 😉 Funny post, thanks.
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Isn’t Canadian Bacon and Pineapple the same as Hawaiian? Besides the point. I do need to chill the heck out because my job is making me mad. I will come visit your lovely state.
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True…I think you should call it Hawaiian because it is more fun? 🙂 You could quit your job and be a writer/pizza delivery guy in Idaho. Problem solved. Cheers
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I should have called it Hawaiian. It is much warmer and has much more pineapple than Canada. I should be a pizza delivery guy. I would never go hungry!
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once again, you are brilliant, ben. notice i put that in lower case, so you will not contract hubris and die.
a few pithy thoughts derived from mulling over your piece (as it cooled down):
1.please do not encourage math (or maths, which sounds more funner) majors to do anything. this would not be good for society or those of us who haven’t a clue to what they are saying 90% of the time.
2. i missed the “Jersey Piece.” This is the piece that tries to run away from your pizza box because, as all people know, it is a terrible thing to live in a place where nearly everybody is dreaming of running away to someplace like Florida, West Virginia (yes, they actually have migrated in droves), or the Upper Peninsula. These people are also known as “those who fall off the edge of the friends list.”
other than that, you are worthy of something much greater than a lousy sitcom. i take my hat off to you (but i’ll put it on again later)….
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I never encourage math. I will go to the ends of the earth (kidding), I will go to the ends of my couch to discourage the use of math to anyone.
I should have remembered that Jersey piece. I know how densely populated it is and how crowded it gets from all those people trying to leave it.
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Nice one. XD
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Why thank you, C.
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I use to love pizza but I am not allowed it in my diet. My best onion pizza. Thinking of it is not allowed so I will close out. By the way a piece of pizza is za.
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That sounds like the worst fate ever. If my diet ever doesn’t allow pizza, I will probably die a few days after.
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You would not die but you would savor the past.
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I would at least savor the pizza.
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Oh man, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO hungry right now!! I’ll take one of each! 🙂
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You don’t want any of these pieces of pizza. They are all way too much work.
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Quite bitterly creative!
I wish I would have thought to do this first…then I considered it. I really did consider re-blogging this and adding my 8 slices of chaotic pizza…and then I realized that we’re eating the same grub & there would be absolutely nothing original or creative if I attempted that.
However – I do prefer pizza cut in squares… think of the possibilities… There are probably over 20 pieces of pizza that way.
I’ll add one…
Housework:Tuna Delight… I hate tuna – I hate the smell of it, I hate the taste of it..I hate the breath of people who just consumed it. There is NOTHING I enjoy about Tuna Pizza. I do not order it – but it demands to be eaten.
I do disagree with your dislike for Papa Murphy’s – but, I grew up eating bland meatloaf 3 times a week for 18 years…so as my husband likes to point out – I enjoy eating cardboard. I’m sure your opinion is more favored by the majority.
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Well, dang. I was hoping for a reblog from someone that had some actual followers. My Freshly Pressed post got reblogged like 16 times to probably a total of 16 followers of their blogs.
Anyways, thanks for adding some pieces to my pizza, because the more pizza the tastier.
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Well crap… I’ll remember you enjoy re-blogs. I’ve only been blogging since February – and I never know if it’s completely legit to “re-blog” or not. When I first started I re-blogged something (I commented my own deal on it – I did not just repost it) & the original poster e-mailed me all snarky like…& ever since I’m apprehensive.
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I mostly like getting reblogged, just not by people that’s blog has the sole purpose of reblogging. Since you are a trusted follower, that makes funny comments, you have the green light. I’m know, I’m so kind.
I can’t believe someone wrote back with some snarkiness about a repost. I’ll have to go back and see what they said.
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I wish you could – but as a newbie I got all nervous/paranoid that I was doing something terribly rude & I deleted the re-blog. She actually e-mailed me in my personal email saying it was a “sweet gesture but her blog is very true to her brand and she doesn’t appreciate it”… Her saying that it was a “sweet gesture” automatically rubbed me the wrong way… It made me feel like a child.
I do appreciate the go-ahead, super nice indeed.
You must be in a good mood – Get a good nap in this afternoon? 🙂
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Yeah, patronizing me rubs me the wrong way too. Do you still read her stuff or is “her brand” too good for you?
My favorite comment is, “Hey dude, you need to chill out and not be so bitter.” I know immediately that they have no sarcasm detector and I just give a glib response and hope they go away.
Actually I’m in a terrible mood because my work sucks. I wish I was taking a nap.
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Sarcasm sometimes seems like a foreign language. I know someone is not “with it” when I say something clearly smothered in sarcasm and they do that “stare & double blink” thing…
I do not follow her very special blog any longer. Too special for little newbies like myself.
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I like to think of it as a secret code that some just don’t get, so you can befuddle others and bemuse yourself by getting the reactions from the non sarcasm speaking folk.
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I hate you, and not because you purposely wrote desert instead of dessert to make me bitter: “This is the desert piece of pizza.” I hate you because I just left the acupuncturist’s office and he said, “No dairy, no alcohol, no sugar.” That’s The Trinity 2.0! Which means no pizza, no joy, no reason to breathe. I’m going to go watch some Veggie Pizza to take my bitterness from your post away.
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Well that is what you get for going to an acupuncturist’s office. And that’s what I get for not eating dessert enough to know how to spell it right.
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My pizza never lasts long enough, so I cut it into more pieces, sometimes upwards of 12 or even more. It somehow never fills the gaping hole that is my meaningless existence.
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Wow that sounds so much like my meaningless existence. Except in my meaningless existence I eat the crust first.
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Piece #9: Time spent at the gym. Green pepper and onion. This delicious piece tastes great at the time, until it starts to hurt and eventually gives you really bad gas.
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Anytime at the gym would just give me gas, without ever feeling good.
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That piece of pizza is one of my most love/hate pieces of pizza. So deliciously annoying.
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My favorite thing is talking about going to the gym and then not going.
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My favorite thing is using my treadmill as a wardrobe holder. I am happy to report however that I undressed my treadmill last evening & we had a heart-to-heart. We are going to start spending more time together & see where that goes.
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Be gentle with your treadmill. It’s been a long time and it may need to warm up before running on it full bore.
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Eff that – no sympathy for the treadmill… Treadmill needs to be gentle with me! I wanted to slap it last night after attempting to run………..that lasted a few minutes than we went back to an inclined walk. Some day I’ll be in shape again…Until then…I’m hitting up happy hour tonight.
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Treadmills are a subject of bitterness around me too, but at least I don’t have to use mine as a hanger. I would have to borrow some gyms. Luckily I don’t have a gym membership to get tempted by.
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Sardines and onions…you know, just this morning as I was thinking during my hour long commute (one way mind you) that I would love to have a pizza that PAID me to eat it. Pizza is my most favorite food (along with popcorn, ice cream, peanut butter cups, and chocolate chip cookies) and I could survive just on pizza if I needed too. However, it could be improved…I shouldn’t have to pay for it, it should pay me.
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If Pizza Hut was smart they would be trying to sign me to an endorsement deal. I was on a first name basis with the delivery guys before our building moved. Those guys would answer the phone from me and just say, “The Regular Mr. Gardner?”
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