41 Things I’m Bitter About

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So I heard it was your birthday…

It is again that time of year when I get to celebrate all the people asking me stupid questions like, “What are you going to do today?” and “What kind of cake do you want?” and “What presents did you get?” and “How can I annoy you the most today on the day that you want to be annoyed the least?”.   “How can I make the day that you used to look forward to be the day you dread the most?”.  “What cheesy phrase can I spit out from my arsenal of cheesy phrases that will make you groan the most?” I have several other questions that I just can’t wait to hear, but I’m hoping that you are smart enough to figure out the point by now.  If not, I have a super deep hole you can jump in that will help you figure it out quite easily.  As you know, I have a lot of things to be bitter about this year, but there’s something about this time of year that makes me want to reveal 41 things that make me bitter.  So here goes:

Wow, you are looking so young.

Wow, you are looking so young.

1. Llamas.  How is it that they are any different than alpacas? And any animal that is famous for spitting is bitter in my book.

2. Railroad signs.

3. Crowds.  Cause other people.

4. Tree buds. Yeah more trees on the way.

5. Empty Pizza Boxes.  So pointless!

6. Fone callz.  Cause phone calls are bad enough.

7. Clowns.

Surprise...

Surprise…

8. Bags (under my eye).

9. Hair. It is everywhere except where I want it and costs money to remove.

10. Clocks.  Cause ain’t nobody got time for that.

11. Flowers.  They would be even worse if I were allergic to them.

12. Las Vegas. Cause every casino doesn’t look exactly the same inside.

13. Pictures of Sunsets.  How do you know they aren’t sunrises?

14. Pillows on couches.  When I have to throw 15 off the couch just to sit down, there might be too many.

15. Fingernails.  They only protect the upper part of my fingers.

16. Toenails. They don’t protect my toes at all.

I've definitely got bigger...

I’ve definitely gotten bigger…

17. Emoji’s. Still not a good one for bitter.

18. Candles.  Too much of a middleman.

19. Plates.  The splinter’s from them breaking aren’t hurting enough people’s feet.

20. Gloves with cut off fingers.  Because why again?

21. Expensive sunglasses. Because I want them, but always lose them.

22. Flat tires. Because I got one at the worst time and I had to change it.

23. Wi-fi. Because it only works when I’m working on Word.

You don't look old at all....

You don’t look old at all….

24. Bottlecaps.  Soda blocker.

25. Cords.  In order to have cordless things there always needs to be cords. What?

26. Tulips.  Shouldn’t one be enough?

27. Sneezing.  So I’m not allowed to open my eyes while sneezing just once?

28. Pants. Getting in the way of comfort since they were invented.

29. Skulls. Blocking my idiotic statements from getting out since 1973.

30. Rubik’s Cube.  I guess Rubik was tired of trying to figure it out, so he sold his cube to see if someone else could figure it out.

31. Bitcoins.  Because fake Monopoly money isn’t enough fake money.

32. Splinters.  Who knew something so small could not only burrow itself so deeply into the skin, but irritate so completely.

You're only 41? Um hmmm....

You’re only 41? Um hmmm….

33. Bowling.  Because it is possible for a little kid to beat a grown adult by accident.

34. School.  Math? Science? Why?

35. Taffy. So much work to eat.

36. Bologna.  Because blogs don’t taste like meat.

37. Scissors.  Why can’t I run with them?

38. Lungs.  They should store more so I can at least walk up some stairs without breathing heavily.

39. Convenience stores. What is convenient about paying 20 dollars for a hot dog that is spinning on some metal conveyer belt?

40. Facts. Because who needs them when you are in the middle of an argument?

41. Spots.  Cause my eyes, and dogs and shirts don’t need them.

Enough of these shenanigans.  I’m off to celebrate by getting annoyed by everyone and their stupid questions like, “So what was Moses like?” and “What was there before dirt?” jokes.  I can’t wait.

If you need even more reasons to be bitter, check out last year’s 40 reasons to be bitter.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Birthday Ben

417 thoughts on “41 Things I’m Bitter About”

  1. Oh my goodness! This is great. You are funny. I agree with you about taffy. What’s the friggin’ deal? Is it a gum, a food or just something that pulls our fillings out? Good times.

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  2. I agree with pants.
    Squirrels: they try my patience and love of wildlife.
    Grocery store fruit: it’s never ripe.and doesn’t ripen.
    Mobile phones and laptops: designed to break down after a year or so
    Halloween: could be fun, instead it’s boring cuz no one has an imagination anymore
    The price of bell peppers.
    Crumbs on the carpet.
    Smokers who unlike me, can’t be bothered to throw their butts in the very near trashcan.
    People who preach at smokers.

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  4. I am not going to say hello, because a nod is enough. So, me and my boyfriend smiled a bit at no. 13 and decided to play a game of guessing. Guess what? We actually made mistakes, and I am bitter at you now because we were wrong… All jokes aside, it turns out it was pure luck when we were right, and that it is difficult to decide, so with only one line of words you gave us 20 minutes of fun and a great new game to confuse and bitter-up our friends. Bitter thanks.
    😉

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    • I do bitter exist and exist bitterly both. I’ve had a long standing feud with trees. Every fall, they drop leaves everywhere and expect you to pick them up. I leave a wrapper on the ground and I get fined $500. They fall on our power lines and cause power outages, steal all our carbon monoxide, etc. I could go on….

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      • Bitterly accepted. But I still love trees and don’t want to be bitter about fall, not yet anyway. From where I live the falling of leaves happen all year round and all year round typhoons break their branches or uproots the whole tree destroying people’s houses, kill people and fall on power lines as well. Leaves clog our streets and floods build up. The carbon monoxide thing is at least beneficial, we steal their oxygen too. I know I still need to work on my bitterness. So there.

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        • Well, I appreciate your effort on trying to be bitter about trees. It is isn’t easy being bitter when you haven’t been that way your whole life like me. But if you work hard, you may someday be a bitter person.

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        • Better work on my list first. Will need to look for something other than trees — that’s already in your area of specialty, (along with 40 more). And bitterness never killed anybody…as the song goes, what doesn’t kill you makes you (stronger?, nope) more bitter.

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  7. Pingback: A Big Flop Friday Giftures | Ben's Bitter Blog

  16. I was merrily scrolling through Freshly Pressed, looking for a new blog to peruse and I clicked on your bitter blog not realizing – hey, I’ve been here before. This was the guy who will give me a cheap student loan so I can attend his bitter university in the future…
    Well, I say to you, I hope you’ve enjoyed the bitterest of birthdays – love the list – I’ll be back to read it on your 100th…
    AnnMarie
    Happily Annoying 😉

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  37. Other things kids can beat adults at (by accident)
    boggle (small words can get you if you don’t pay attention)
    yahtzee
    Wii bowling
    wet banana (sometimes the Russian Judge is a little biased)
    home Karaoke contests (cuteness can beat skill, or even drunken skill)
    Sorry
    hungry hippos
    War (the card game)
    any video game they refuse to explain the objective about before you play

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  45. I have 335 fb friends and got 110 birthday wishes. In a certain light, that’s bullshit. In another light, I got a life. Both views made me smile 🙂

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