Bitterness in the clouds

/ bensbitterblog
Reporting to you live from the Bitter News Desk of Bitter Entertainment Network(or B.E.N.)

Reporting to you live from the Bitter News Desk of Bitter Entertainment Network(or B.E.N. for short.)

BREAKING NEWS. This is Bitter Ben from Bitter Entertainment Network reporting to you live, recorded from my seat at the library where I do my live recorded newsfeed each and every 6 months or so.  I’m here today to report to you about a hidden danger that lives among us.  Every day these bitter balls of gas and hate mock us and stalk us, moving at the subtle speed of tornadoes, causing mayhem and havoc in their wake, then leave swiftly, as if nothing ever happened.  Day after day they haunt us and taunt us and leave us battered and tattered until we are more afraid of them, than we are of Jason at Crystal Lake on Friday the 13th.   Yet somehow we keep going back outside, knowing that we will again be subject to their abuse once again.  They go by many names, Fog, Cumulonimbus, Cirrus or more commonly Clouds.

They are already trying to destroy the sun.

They are already trying to destroy the sun.

NEWS FLASH – Clouds are jerks.  They seem to be innocuous and innocent, but let’s look at the facts.

I see what you are trying to do there cloud and it is making me bitter.

I see what you are trying to do there cloud and it is making me bitter.

Clouds block the sun. In Seattle, they are always there, teasing and taunting us.  “Hey down there, Bitter Ben, you know that life giving sun up in sky? You know the one that you need to stay warm in the summer?  The one that would warm you for free, so you didn’t have to heat your house? Yeah, we are going to sun block you.” If it wasn’t for these cruel water pigs, we could see what the sun looked like.  And if you think clouds don’t watch and stalk you to see what you are doing, have a busy day at work.  The clouds will subtly allow sunlight to peak through it all of sudden skinny frame.  Then, just as you are about to leave for lunch, the clouds will block the sun, turn dark, and start crying…all over you.  They will even try to get the wind to destroy you.

You might try another trick to see the utter cruelty you will have to endure from these moody shape shifters.  Book a vacation to a tropical island.  Preferably one that boasts in their advertisements of “358 days of sun a year”.  Go to said location, packing with with you some clothes, suntan lotion and hope and see all three be destroyed by the first day.  Ask anyone from the Southeast or South of the United States who are used to warm winters, and they will vouch for how much the clouds screwed up their winter.

The cruelty doesn’t end there.  Often during a nice summer day, people will sit on the grass and stare up at the clouds and pretend they see shapes(the only place this really happens is in romantic comedies).  A girl might see a shape, and try to convince her boyfriend of what she is seeing.  The cloud will quickly change shape and move really fast across the sky.  The boyfriend will look at the cloud, pretend to agree with her, and they will share a laugh.  In his head, the boyfriend will question what the crap the girl was saying, the girl will feel unconvinced with his answer, and they will fight and breakup.  Thanks to those jerks, the metamorphasizing dirt collectors.

Causing miscommunications between boys and girls since a long time ago.

Causing miscommunications between boys and girls since a long time ago.

There is an epidemic in our mists.

Clouds are moodier than a teenager with raging hormones.  One moment they are white and puffy and the M.C. to the “Star of the Sky” The Sun and are just there to support the sun and push its positivie message of heat and light, and the next moment, they turn dark and angry and pushy and they block the sun to promote their “I’m miserable and you all will be miserable” message, and make the cold and wind and most importantly themselves the star.  Then they get bitter and jealous that no one likes them and everyone loves the sun, so they do it all even more just to get revenge.

But wait—There’s more.  Clouds are out to take the heads of the most creative and best thinkers of our time.  The imaginers, the thinkers, the ideas makers, the artists, the visionaries, the T-shirt designers.  The clouds just can’t take the fact that someone might have an idea, so they do their best to take the heads of all these “potential geniuses”.  You know the expression, “That person’s head is in the clouds”? It’s true.  They hunt the biggest and brightest so no one questions the fact that they are trying to dominate the sky.

In fact, here is a cartoon looking sketch of one of the people they have taken.  Don’t let them take over!! Oh no! It’s too late…A cloud is stalking me right now!  I have to get this published before it is too late!

It begins!

It begins! They are already taking our geniuses.

They may take my life, but they will never take my BITTTERNEESSSSS!   (Reporting to you almost dead from my desk.)

ARRRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Cloudy Headed Ben

160 thoughts on “Bitterness in the clouds”

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  7. There is nothing I can possibly add to this post to make it any better or any more bitter, Ben… I read it to the hubster last night and we were both in stitches. No wonder you have like a zillion followers. I am bitterly jealous. But you’re right – clouds ARE total jerks!! England may be a few miles from Seattle, but I reckon we are about evenly persecuted. Stupid joy-stealers…

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  9. Here in HOT So Cal, I cannot stand any more sun. We are all dying from skin cancer over here. This is definitely a case of the clouds are always grayer on your own side. I would love a little shade and protection from my ever growing wrinkles. And the chance to make a fire and wear my expensive boots and sweaters! Well, I won’t try to talk to you about any silver linings. Hey, I won’t even say “See ya on Cloud 9.” (but this was a funny post, BB!)
    Stephanie

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    • Well if you are looking for clouds, you’ve reached the right person. Come on up to Seattle and you will see some of the darkest, angriest clouds ever. And you can wear sweaters and boots to your hearts content here. Even in July.

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  11. It was clouds that prompted Carl and Ellie to see the shape of babies in them in the movie “Up” and to paint a nursery and get pregnant, and then they had a miscarriage and grew old without children, and she died and he was left alone. Screw clouds.

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  14. I like clouds because I lived in the desert too long. Blue sky boredom. I longed for clouds looking like Joni Mitchell, blowing smoke-rings as she watched atom-bombs mushroom. Nothing. Blue sky blues. So I’d go back into the casino and lose more money.

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  17. I think you forgot to mention clouds like to also appear in drinking water sometimes. And by drinking water, I mean water that I had intended on drinking, but that I promptly poured out in favor of orange juice. How am I supposed to save the environment from plastic bottles with clouds in my water?

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    • They are jerks like that. Always trying to take the spotlight from the sun, making claims that they are the real source of water, getting themselves on water bottles. While I’m not trying to save the environment, at least I’m not claiming I am like jerk clouds.

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