BREAKING NEWS. This is Bitter Ben from Bitter Entertainment Network reporting to you live, recorded from my seat at the library where I do my live recorded newsfeed each and every 6 months or so. I’m here today to report to you about a hidden danger that lives among us. Every day these bitter balls of gas and hate mock us and stalk us, moving at the subtle speed of tornadoes, causing mayhem and havoc in their wake, then leave swiftly, as if nothing ever happened. Day after day they haunt us and taunt us and leave us battered and tattered until we are more afraid of them, than we are of Jason at Crystal Lake on Friday the 13th. Yet somehow we keep going back outside, knowing that we will again be subject to their abuse once again. They go by many names, Fog, Cumulonimbus, Cirrus or more commonly Clouds.
NEWS FLASH – Clouds are jerks. They seem to be innocuous and innocent, but let’s look at the facts.
Clouds block the sun. In Seattle, they are always there, teasing and taunting us. “Hey down there, Bitter Ben, you know that life giving sun up in sky? You know the one that you need to stay warm in the summer? The one that would warm you for free, so you didn’t have to heat your house? Yeah, we are going to sun block you.” If it wasn’t for these cruel water pigs, we could see what the sun looked like. And if you think clouds don’t watch and stalk you to see what you are doing, have a busy day at work. The clouds will subtly allow sunlight to peak through it all of sudden skinny frame. Then, just as you are about to leave for lunch, the clouds will block the sun, turn dark, and start crying…all over you. They will even try to get the wind to destroy you.
You might try another trick to see the utter cruelty you will have to endure from these moody shape shifters. Book a vacation to a tropical island. Preferably one that boasts in their advertisements of “358 days of sun a year”. Go to said location, packing with with you some clothes, suntan lotion and hope and see all three be destroyed by the first day. Ask anyone from the Southeast or South of the United States who are used to warm winters, and they will vouch for how much the clouds screwed up their winter.
The cruelty doesn’t end there. Often during a nice summer day, people will sit on the grass and stare up at the clouds and pretend they see shapes(the only place this really happens is in romantic comedies). A girl might see a shape, and try to convince her boyfriend of what she is seeing. The cloud will quickly change shape and move really fast across the sky. The boyfriend will look at the cloud, pretend to agree with her, and they will share a laugh. In his head, the boyfriend will question what the crap the girl was saying, the girl will feel unconvinced with his answer, and they will fight and breakup. Thanks to those jerks, the metamorphasizing dirt collectors.
There is an epidemic in our mists.
Clouds are moodier than a teenager with raging hormones. One moment they are white and puffy and the M.C. to the “Star of the Sky” The Sun and are just there to support the sun and push its positivie message of heat and light, and the next moment, they turn dark and angry and pushy and they block the sun to promote their “I’m miserable and you all will be miserable” message, and make the cold and wind and most importantly themselves the star. Then they get bitter and jealous that no one likes them and everyone loves the sun, so they do it all even more just to get revenge.
But wait—There’s more. Clouds are out to take the heads of the most creative and best thinkers of our time. The imaginers, the thinkers, the ideas makers, the artists, the visionaries, the T-shirt designers. The clouds just can’t take the fact that someone might have an idea, so they do their best to take the heads of all these “potential geniuses”. You know the expression, “That person’s head is in the clouds”? It’s true. They hunt the biggest and brightest so no one questions the fact that they are trying to dominate the sky.
In fact, here is a cartoon looking sketch of one of the people they have taken. Don’t let them take over!! Oh no! It’s too late…A cloud is stalking me right now! I have to get this published before it is too late!
They may take my life, but they will never take my BITTTERNEESSSSS! (Reporting to you almost dead from my desk.)
ARRRRRGGGGHHHH
Bitter Cloudy Headed Ben
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Now you’re in for it. The clouds’ evil step-sisters, fog and mist, will haunt you forever.
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They’ve been stalking me for a long time. I have a feeling even if I moved to the Sahara desert it would start raining and clouding there.
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Haha! My heads been stuck in a damn cloud for awhile now. Thanks for helping me see the light 😉
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So what you are saying is that you need someone to come save you from the evil headhunting clouds? Get busy blogging or get busy dying…or whatever.
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Sweet Jesus, I laughed out loud. Clouds are jerks and are taking heads – absolutely priceless!
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I guess there is going to be a lot of headless people around. I should be an investigative reporter on things that don’t matter.
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There is going to be? I think there already are a whole lot of headless people…
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A lot of people that don’t use their brains that is for sure.
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My mind has been cloudy lately and I fear the brain cells are being sucked out.
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Clouds can do that to a person. Cloud their vision.
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Some people need to be blinded from seeing the truth.
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I’m just exposing the truth to all the people that don’t know about the clouds.
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There is nothing I can possibly add to this post to make it any better or any more bitter, Ben… I read it to the hubster last night and we were both in stitches. No wonder you have like a zillion followers. I am bitterly jealous. But you’re right – clouds ARE total jerks!! England may be a few miles from Seattle, but I reckon we are about evenly persecuted. Stupid joy-stealers…
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there is quite an army of cloud warriors in England, that is for sure. They may rival the clouds here in seattle.
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are there a lot of bitteryoulonimbus clouds hanging around
inside the library?
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There is one above my head right now. Always stalking me like Charlie Brown’s friend.
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shhhh be wery quiet he may hear you
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that sounds like bugs bunny.
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that’s right carrottop
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thanks for calling me carrottop.
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stop calling me shirly
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Shirley you can’t be serious.
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as shirley as i like my coffee with cream hold the coffee
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I like root beer, hold the root and the beer.
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lol what is left? i think that may be a good SNL topic :
root beer is neither a root nor beer discuss.
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nothing. I guess I’m not thirsty.
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i’m always thirsty
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I have been since I got to Utah. It is so dry here.
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oh no..not dry..canada dry ginger ale?..
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Nope just Utah dry.
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well johns hopkins said i “have the driest nose & throat they’ve ever seen”, so i guess that might not be good.
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That’s how I feel every single morning I wake up here.
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that’s not good . it feels like your throat will crack. i hear it’s very damp in scotland, just 4 days ago.
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It’s damp in Seattle all the time, except when it isn’t.
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LOL .. i want damp…yesterday this man asked why i couldn’t breathe.. he said i should go to arizona – dry…why do people keep telling me that
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There are such things as liquids that are damp enough.
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this is so funny. i was going to write you , i was saving these 4 comments for a rainy day… & then i realized it is raining inside right now…big chunks plaster falling …& i am drinking hot tea while you speak of liquids & breathing steam / boling water.
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It’s always a rainy day here, so any time.
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you must live by frasier crane
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He’s in a penthouse though and we are in the slums.
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frasier crane lives in a penthouse?
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yeah, haven’t you seen that show? no one has an apartment like that in seattle.
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yes i think i saw every episode.they don’t have thatgiant
flag on the balcony either?
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That would be a $2 million apartment here now. I guess his show was doing really well.
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i think so. it comes on every day still on lifetime
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Wow, lifetime? I could go my whole lifetime and not watch that.
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me too.lol…it came on the day after we were talkn bout it
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Too bad you ended up watching it.
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heavens to betsy,i changed the channel faster than lightning
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Did you end up on Beiber channel?
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oh man .he has a channel?
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If he does I will burn down my cable.
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you can sing burning down the house
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I could if I knew the words.
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those are the words..”burnin down the house”
today is nude day & shark awareness day
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is it shark week already?
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i think sharks take every week they want
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Then should they call it shark millennium?
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sharky’s shikira millennaluminium
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That sounds like a party with bite. Or a party that bites.
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meows in space bite , b/c they want to be on earth
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Are you catting me?
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i only hush puppy you with honey butter
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Honey butter makes me bitter.
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but it’s so delicious. heartburn?
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The official heart feeling of Bitter Ben.
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i’m vice pres.when i was waiting to take my veggie wrap is what she calls my tacos….singer tried to pick me up…he said where are you from ..i pointed here.lol
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I’m the vice pres of sitting on couches.
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oh i saw carrottop twice ..1. very 1st panthers game in clemson, b/c they had no stadium yet..both of us on 50 yard line
2. concert in charleston
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Doesn’t he know that he shouldn’t be getting plastic surgery? Oh and he should also know that when you are a comedian you are supposed to be funny.
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i don’t think he knows either…i saw him on the neighbors the other night.jackie joyner kersey
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did he play an alien?
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i think he played himself at a party the aliens gave for academy awards
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Now that is a party I would not want to go to.
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i wouldn’t want to go wither, unless carrot top threw you a birthday party & had pin tail on the ram
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The only pin party Carrot Top would throw was a pun party. Way worse puns than we do.
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we do wonderful puns.raechel does pun haiku now.
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It’s about time Raechel joined the party.
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pun party? bday party? or carrot top party?
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Not the carrot top party. Nobody wants that kind of party.
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of course not. i do like carrots & spinach dip at partys.
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I never go to parties, but carrots would pretty much suck. But for Popeye…
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well there are always millions of other things…potato knishes, kugel, cupcakes, potato latkees, egg rolls, ,cheesecake…..
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It sounds like you like variety, and I like just a few foods. Must be why you are a good cook and I’m lousy.
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i am allergic to everything i named. LOL & i have been eating chinese food 5 days a week since dec., which is why i am so mean..sick of it…but if they delivered groceries here , i would be a good cook again.
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Well maybe the king of Scotland can deliver some groceries to you?
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that would be appreciated
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He’ll be right over.
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seaside restaurant
the only thing we overlook
is the ocean
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I overlook mostly a park and lots of mountains.
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that’s pretty.. so mountain time?
i overlook a raccoon in the tree & the 50 yard line of the pool …left of balcony indoor pool. .. but that will change any minute.
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I was in Mountain time, now I’m not. Makes me so bitter. Now my view is books and two dudes typing stuff on their computers.
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can i hire 2 dudes to type & stuff- carry boxes to other condo? so work is a different time zone?
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I could carry boxes and type. Can you get me 40K a year? I’ll do it.
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i found you. yah! u disappeared last night..
do they have dollars in scotland?
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I accept Scottish dollars.
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what are they worth? i accept nothing
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i also take US dollars.
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i take british pounds but not on the waist
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my pounds are all on my stomach.
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i fear mine are
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I want them gone.
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who do you want gone? clouds?
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yes. and before they go to introduce the sun.
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oh i understand. maryland was always dreary..they advertise like 300 days of sun here each year
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we advertise 300 days of rain.
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lol we advertise 367 days of aggravation
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That is even better than year round.
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well it’s how you look at it. i say it’s worse than year round, but you are a glass half ful guy who doesn’t like math
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I’m a bitter glass empty.
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so am i , i think.. my glass is only 1/4 full literally right now
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Then I would call it 3/4 empty, cause I am that bitter.
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lol too much math, but you are correct
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I wouldn’t know if I was right. I don’t know math.
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i know but you got a b in math.you have to be able to count how many scoops in your ice cream cone?
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Only 4 scoops in my i scream.
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we all don’t scream for i scream. i would if i could…why not 5 scoops.. my cousin’s shop had 6 scoops with a sparkler or petzel rod
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So some people whisper for ice scream?
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i whisper for ice cream!
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I make ice cream bitter.
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bitter is no ice cream
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Here in HOT So Cal, I cannot stand any more sun. We are all dying from skin cancer over here. This is definitely a case of the clouds are always grayer on your own side. I would love a little shade and protection from my ever growing wrinkles. And the chance to make a fire and wear my expensive boots and sweaters! Well, I won’t try to talk to you about any silver linings. Hey, I won’t even say “See ya on Cloud 9.” (but this was a funny post, BB!)
Stephanie
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Well if you are looking for clouds, you’ve reached the right person. Come on up to Seattle and you will see some of the darkest, angriest clouds ever. And you can wear sweaters and boots to your hearts content here. Even in July.
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Your photo of the clouds made me laugh out loud for real.!! Thanks.!
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That samari cloud is the leader of the cloud army.
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nice.!
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I guess it is getting a little clouded out there.
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It was clouds that prompted Carl and Ellie to see the shape of babies in them in the movie “Up” and to paint a nursery and get pregnant, and then they had a miscarriage and grew old without children, and she died and he was left alone. Screw clouds.
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see how they just ruin relationships? I’m guessing now that you have seen a cloud you will die someday. They are cold vapored killers.
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Stratis cunnilingus????????
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That is a cloud in the eros part of the sky.
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i love those heart shaped clouds you have .i hope they take my head.
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just don’t store your private info in the cloud cause they will steal that.
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i wish you had told me before.i think aol has done that.when i cancelled the 29.00 paying/mo for yrs & they said it will not affect your email..my 1100 email are there but you can’t read them.the arrows won’t click.
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You need an in house IT manager.
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yes i do & on halloween i dress like cousin It
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By IT I mean and Information technology. Or maybe a geek squad guy.
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lol thank-you. i knew you meant : eye tee ,but i did not know what it stood for..i know geek squad guys.i have served them root beer.
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Then they should be fixing your computer.
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well it was Md. he charged me 800.00 new computer, when he could have just ordered a backlight, b/c the same thing happened here & an honest man – 240.00 & the geek guys took my 1500.00 computer
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Sounds like gangster squad.
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lol..yes it does..not giving him any more root beer
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root beer is bad for you.
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is it? did the root beer tell you that. diet a&w?
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Especially diet. Any diet drink is gross.
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except diet a&w.someone who said what you just did said except diet a&w just like me…i’m sorry, not here,ill in bed…i will check tomorrow night to see if you write me.
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Where are you then? Guess you are busy getting sick from drinking diet drinks huh?
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i’m in the condo where the hole in ceiling turned to mold…i have the doors open. it’s 73 today .everyone is at the beach…hopefully i will be out of here soon .paid for new condo 4 days ago. it has a new roof,so no holes.
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I like clouds because I lived in the desert too long. Blue sky boredom. I longed for clouds looking like Joni Mitchell, blowing smoke-rings as she watched atom-bombs mushroom. Nothing. Blue sky blues. So I’d go back into the casino and lose more money.
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Sounds like you need to pay a visit to the Northwest, where we never get sun.
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i agree about the clouds
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Hopefully you don’t agree WITH the clouds.
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Cumulus n’ humorous
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That sounds like a new kind of cloud. And I don’t think funny clouds exist. They are all jerks.
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I think you forgot to mention clouds like to also appear in drinking water sometimes. And by drinking water, I mean water that I had intended on drinking, but that I promptly poured out in favor of orange juice. How am I supposed to save the environment from plastic bottles with clouds in my water?
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They are jerks like that. Always trying to take the spotlight from the sun, making claims that they are the real source of water, getting themselves on water bottles. While I’m not trying to save the environment, at least I’m not claiming I am like jerk clouds.
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Paranoid much?
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Very much so, and bitter about it.
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