Yeah, nobody else get’s why we have a holiday for you. Or more importantly why we don’t get the day off.
In case you forgot, yesterday was St. Patrick’s day (and I think you know why some people forget St. Patrick’s Day…). I think most people are foggy about the reason why we celebrate it, but I’m more foggy on why we don’t get the day off. I may not be Irish, but I do like gold, making fun of leprechauns and my kids eat Lucky Charms. If that isn’t reason enough for the day off, I don’t know what is. Besides, if it wasn’t for Patrick, then Sponge Bob wouldn’t have someone to look up to as far as how to be lazy, completely oblivious, and how to fall bass ackwards into good luck more than anyone since Cosmo Kramer. No wonder Patrick was Sainted and now we know why the Irish are known as lucky.
If I am missing something, feel free to correct me in comments, but I’m pretty sure I covered everything. But that isn’t why I’m here. I am here to Bitterize quotes. If you’ve been with the Bitter Blog for a while you may remember back in August when I did Part 1. If you weren’t here for the first go around, you didn’t miss much. Basically, I hate quotes, and they make me bitter. Especially ones that are “uplifting” and “inspirational”. You know what I’m talking about. You have at least 3 Facebook friends that use these things to make you feel ill everyday. So I try to take these quotes and make them more manageably bitter for everyone. Hey, it’s what I do. (FYI, when you are at a loss as to what to write about, just remember that making fun of other people is always the best backup plan. Especially people that think that they are so darn smart.)
Okay this one is a little too easy, so we will start with this one. Bitterized: “Let your past, present and future make you bitter, not better.” – Bitter Ben
A little harder, but not much. Bitterized: “If you’re going to be a weirdo, could you be confident and weird somewhere else? You’re kind of freaking me out and stuff.” – Bitter Ben
This is a way positive one. Let’s go ahead not let it stay that way. Bitterized: “To all the people that inspire you: Wisely send them down the drain.” – Bitter Ben
I have a lot of experience with this one. And by experience, I mean not at all. Bitterized: “The lower on the totem pole you are, the harder you will work.” or a bonus, “The harder you work, the faster you will work towards dying.” or “The lazier you are, the more sleep on the couch you will get.” – Bitter Ben See how bitter you can make these?
Presidential quotes? Yeah we do those too. Bitterized: “False. The thief of Joy is Dwight Schrute.” or “The thief of Joy is prison.” or “The thief of joy is not be able to play video games because you have to work all the time.”
Bitterized: “If time is killing you, how could you be alive to write this quote?” or “If time is killing me, why isn’t it going to jail, or ate least going on trial for a wrongful death suit?” (Oh and by the way, ever heard of a computer? They come out much better than a typewriter.)
Bitterized: “I did change my destination overnight once. On a long road trip. I stayed in a Holiday Inn Express and got smarter instantaneously too, by the way.” – Bitter Ben, Holiday Inn endorser
Bitterized: “Actually success comes from winning the freaking lottery, so you don’t have to worry about dreams or excuses, or what the heck success means.” – Bitter Ben
Bitterized: “Oh crap, what did I start this post for?” – Bitter Ben
So my bitter frenemies, what quotes do you hate the most, or make you the most bitter? Leave your least favorite and bitterize in the comments below. Or you can leave it to the Bitter Master and let me bitterize it. But that will cost you. Like lottery cost you.
ARRRRGGGHHHH
Bitter IZED Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
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“Nothing can bring you happiness but yourself.”
Bitterized: “Nothing can you bring happiness but avoiding your coworkers, taking naps instead of being responsible, and sitting on the couch with your feet up.”
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Good. I would have gone with, “Nothing can bring you bitterness but everything.”
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This is the bitter truth: Bitterized: “If you’re going to be a weirdo, could you be confident and weird somewhere else? You’re kind of freaking me out and stuff.” – Bitter Ben
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By weirdos I mean everyone. I just want other people to go elsewhere, so I don’t have to waste my bitter breath talking.
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Great! My favorite: The thief of Joy is prison.” Pithy.
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I actually decided that I am jealous of Dwight because he gets to steal joy.
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#4 😀 !
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I’m tired of working hard and making others money.
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Where are all the comments? It’s a glitch, right? I can’t possibly be the only one who wants a quote bitterized. No disrespect to Tennyson, but I’d love to see what you do with: “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
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All the comments are waiting for me to read and respond to. For some reason I have to approve them. Possibly because if I ever get a positive comment, I would have to deny because it wasn’t bitter enough.
Bitterized? “Tis better to have been left alone on the couch, than love someone that you have to get up from the couch for.” Bitter Bennyson
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Perfect.
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This is my favourite – “To all the people that inspire you: Wisely send them down the drain.” – Bitter Ben
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People have got to stop inspiring others. The drain is the only option.
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Can you believe that there are positive people who actually blog about happy things too? Blogs full of chia seeds, kale recipes, yoga and inspirational quotes! EGADS!! They must be stopped.
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You got that right. I’m doing my best to ride the world of people like that, but every once in a while one pops up that i need to destroy…like a zit.
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Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
IS THAT WHY LESS ST. PATRICK’S DAY STUFF WENT UP BEFORE THE HOLIDAY??????
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Ben you bitter bastard. I love yer bitterizations of quotes. My favorite of course is the weirdo quote L & his groovy o l boys.
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Well, I used to offer to bitterize quotes for people on Twitter, but there were never enough characters (letters or people).
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I hate these so much. I know they’re supposed to be nice, but they are just full of cheese… like, crappy orange, Craft macaroni kind of cheese. As an English major, they just make me want to die, and normally it takes a lot to make me want to die.
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So as an English major, do you find my blog offensive to your sensitive grammar eyes? If I was an English major, I would be crying inside if I had to read my blog.
And yes, these are Kraft cheesy and I had to add some rhubarb to them to make them bitter.
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Yes, I wasn’t going to say anything, but I have been made into a grammar nazi, and your blog makes me cringe. No soup for you!
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Please allow me some soup? I promise I will only make 7 subtle mistakes next time.
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You may have some soup… But only because I’m too nice for my own good. 🙂
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You might be the first English teacher I have ever met that has been nice. Congrats on that!
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I’m nice to old people. Kids are gremlins. Being a teacher is not in my future. Coffee, however, is in the very near future.
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A nap is my near future.
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Keep studying and perhaps, someday, you’ll be an English colonel.
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Probably a colonel of bitterness.
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Hahahaha, the sad part is it took me a minute to process that. Yay puns! 🙂
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Puns are highest form of bitter humor.
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I loathe the poster of the kitten hanging from a branch with the words ‘Hang in there’ printed underneath. I would change the words to ‘Let Go. Even wolves need to feed.’ Too bitter?
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Too bitter? Do you realize who you are talking to? So appropriate. I would change it slightly to, “Wolf Food.” because I am lazy and too many words cause pain.
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Good point. I like it.
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I hate the quote “Too blessed to be depressed.”
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Bitterized: “I get depressed when I find out I have to get dressed.”
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If time does indeed go on trial for wrongful death, I will take the witness stand. I have some things to testify about.
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I wouldn’t mind going on trial, if it meant I could kill time.
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I’m finally getting around and back to WordPress and reading some of peeps who’ve been reading me. This blog is hilarious!
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I’m just trying not get killed by the Mafia’s hairdresser. Or the Hairdresser Mafia. If I’m dead, I can’t tell people how to be bitter like me.
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My personal fav “Dwight Shrute–thief of all joy.”
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I only said that because Micheal Scott said it. I find myself quite jealous of the fact that Dwight could steal joy. I’m doing my best to steal it.
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I HATE when people say “It is what it is.”
Laziest quote ever.
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basically, much of the world- including ireland- has forgotten that St Paint’s Day is a feast day for St Patrick first. In saying that, you will be bitter to know that irish people, part irish people, and even pseudo irish people, and even…ad nauseum…can’t tell you one thing about Patrick that is true. The guy was a super passionate missionary; that basically sums it up. Green beer and corned beef is about as far from Patrick as turds are to filet mignon…oh wait, some stores don’t know the difference….you can say aaarrrggggghhhh here…
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“A wise man once said, nothing. ”
I’m only a freshman in the school of bitterness, but here goes.
“A bitter man once said everything bitterly.”
Now you….
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i typed 20,000,000 words last week of the quotes i hate, don’t make me do it again.
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Nope do it again. that will help your bitterness.
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it makes me bitter and heartburny but ok..
hate that which does not kill us makes us stronger.
everything happens for a reason. LIES
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stranger.
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LOL DARn tootin it does!
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You must be jokering .
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i’m batman
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no i need batman…flash the bat signal
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‘Keep calm and carry on’ – attempt at bitterization: Your feelings of stress, rage or panic, (bordering on utter terror) will continue until you quit, delegate or end it all. [Please note that this comment was for comedic purposes only and I am not in any way endorsing or encouraging suicide – which is not funny in any way!]
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Thanks for the addendum. I will keep calm whenever I want and it won’t be when someone else tells me.
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marie barone couldn’t serve ray lucky charms.he was afraid of them.
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I guess they weren’t that lucky.
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well why do they call them lucky charms
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remember u asked why so many people on one post? 99 ? now 162 but someone said she just read & forgot what she was going to tell me that she likes , b/c bitter ben & i made her laugh herself silly in comments.
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Well that is change. I don’t ever make anyone laugh. Just bitter. I can’t believe anyone would read old post comments.
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she laughed herslf silly.LOL..your comments were better than my thank-you.
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I’m just shocked that anyone would laugh at those comments ever. They aren’t funny.
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lol. i haven’t looked but i remember the 1st thing you said .it was you’re welcome. it was very funny.LOL
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I don’t remember why that would be funny. I guess I would have to go back too.
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it was funny to me . the name is thank-you & you said you’re welcome…i burst out laughing when you wrote it.i tols her you make me laugh myself silly too.
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i forgot to say it’s almost your birthday!
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This is exactly what my Facebook newsfeed looks like
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That is why I hate Facebook so much.
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I don’t even have Facebook anymore because I hate it so much, but now I have no idea when relatives have died or someone has given birth because my entire family has forsaken all other means of communication.
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