Ninja Bitterness

/ bensbitterblog
My career assessment had me as one of these. On second thought....

My career assessment had me as one of these. On second thought….

You know those stupid career assessment tests you take in high school and college that ask moronic questions about your character traits to determine what career best suits your personality? Since I’m not technical, I don’t like math, I’m an introvert, I like working with little or no supervision (and by little I mean none), and my motivation in life is to be lazy, the tests generally come up with rodeo clown, or park ranger.  Since I don’t like people or wearing makeup, rodeo clown is out.  I don’t like the outdoors or doing anything, so park ranger is out.  I must have subconsciously wanted to get into the career that least suited me, so I would have something to complain about, so here I am in customer service.  I get to hear people complain about things all day, take orders from people I don’t like and I get to be Pavlov’s dog to my immortal enemy, The Telephone.

The other day, in assessing my skills, I realized the REAL job I should be doing isn’t a rodeo clown or park ranger. I should be a corporate Ninja.  Corporations need someone like me, so here is the process in which my job search for a Corporate Ninja will go.

With my Ninja like skills, I will send CEO’s, Marketing Managers, and Human Resource Managers emails.  I will address the need for them to have a Corporate Ninja working for them.  The emails I send will come in three mysterious parts, one for each member of the hiring team at the company.  It will attract enough of the managers’ attention to make them want to know more(without looking junk maily), but not enough to tell them everything they need to know.  They will eventually work together and realize that each one had a piece of the puzzle.  They will not be able to resist calling this ninja, who will clearly benefit their company in a way that no one ever has.

You wanna hire me? You gotta find me...

You wanna hire me? You better start looking for me…

Naturally, the next move will come in the form of an interview where they will beg for Ninja Bitter Ben to come in person.  I will refuse once, telling them I have other corporations that are going to pay me top dollar for my services.  This will cause them to want me to work there even more, and they will offer to double whatever the other companies will pay.  They set up a time, I tell them that I will think about it, but they should be ready for me at all times.  I then appear at 2:38 pm after I have taken a sufficient nap.  I pop in, tell the receptionist that I am here, and wait impatiently for them to come.  They appear, breathing heavily, from rushing so quickly to meet me.  I hide in the shadows for 3 minutes, pop out and scare them, and flit about, playing hide and seek with them as we make our way to the interview room.  They beg me to work for them.  I disappear for 10 minutes, utterly confusing them, then appear back, telling them some bogus company secrets that can’t be verified and talk about some obvious inefficiencies.

 

They will hire me on the spot.

They will hire me on the spot.

 

Their mouths gape wide open, and as fast as they can get the words out, they ask when I can start.  I say, “I start when I start.  But rest assured that if you aren’t already setting up my benefits and direct deposit, I’m already working for your competitor.”  They set me up, I and tell them my jobs duties.  I will fight against corporate raiders, I will kill any inefficiencies and slice calls times down to size.  I tell them to tell everyone in the company that I am always lurking in the shadows and could be reporting their every move at any moment and I will report to the CEO, all injustices taking place at their job, through a ninja like email every two weeks.

I'll slice down your talk times.

I’ll slice down your talk times.

Then I will proceed to sit on the couch, play video games on the 90 inch screen I just bought with my Corporate Ninja salary, and send a cryptic email every two weeks.  If they ask why they haven’t noticed my influence around, I tell them I’m performing a Ninja Training Exersize, at this very moment (on my XBox).

Clearly my job assessment was wrong.

AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Ninja Ben

83 thoughts on “Ninja Bitterness”

  1. Hmmm…. I never took one of those tests. I think you should put your mad skills to work for you. Set up your own ‘Lonely Hearts’ line at home (take a shot of helium to make your voice high) and wear a Bluetooth. Or, a Psychic Hotline number. Play your XBox while you’re answering X-rated calls, or telling people their fortunes. Tell them things like, ‘Your phone bill will be too expensive for you to pay next month, and you should get a job in an office to pay it.’ They will think you are a genius.

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  3. The job you just described is called Corporate America…You get paid by company A to destroy company B…While the whole time company B is paying you to be their employee! Good luck with your employment bitterness, personally I think all those jobs have been taken!

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  5. I was top 10% of my class, took all science classes and they said I should work in a zoo. Not exactly what I thought it would say…And no, I don’t work in a zoo. I work in an office….where so many of us lemmings end up

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    • See how those stupid assessment tests work? I guess if I was analytical and numbers strong, I would be either a low level accountant or CEO of Microsoft. That’s how they get you. And good one with the lemmings by the way.

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        • Just keep tellin yourself you will. Luckily in my office, we only have a handful of people who work here (I too am introverted and hate most people) so I dont have to work with a customer base anymore. I worked for the state taking phone calls for the child support division. Worst job of my life. I don’t envy you…sorry.

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        • I know I won’t. It’s nice to only have a few people around to hate as opposed to numerous ones that take more energy. Though taking phone calls from people like that sound the worst. I guess my taking complaints from dealers whose radios are late isn’t quite as bad. Yeah, being introverted and taking phone calls is the worst combination (I’m the same.)

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        • So many times I wanted to yell “I don’t care!” on the phone. Unfortunately they record our calls so I couldn’t do that. But I did get a little more creative in my responses to callers my last week at that office.

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        • That is the only way to survive. You have to use the creativity you have and start a blog about bitterness, or learn how to draw mean pictures of people that you are on the phone with, or start a prank calling service after work.

          Liked by 1 person

  8. Hrm… need a secretary? I’m well versed in sending cryptic emails, I’m very good at rushing about and always looking busy, most importantly I know every Friday is pizza Friday.

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  9. Pingback: In case you missed…In case you missed it from last week bitterness | Ben's Bitter Blog

  10. I’m so glad that I stumbled across this blog..genius..your plans are flawless! And I’ve always secretly wanted to be a ninja 🙂

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  13. I can’t remember what my job assessment said, but I think I cheated when I took it so I’d get a particular outcome. Maybe I chose the wrong time to be dishonest.

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  16. Is this the part where you wake up, or the part where they put you in one of those cute little straight jackets and mention that you are hallucinating???

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  18. It sounds almost TOO easy… you should run team building exercises…instead of paint ball, you can just practice stealth assassination techniques. On the XBox. I think a darkened room full of suits slouched in gaming chairs promotes true team bonding.

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  19. Go for your Ninja dreams, I say. I’m bitter about those damn tests, too. In high school a friend and I (both girls) decide to take the “military” assessment test just for kicks to get out of regularly scheduled programming. Well lo and behold, it revealed we both should be secretaries. Surprise! The punch line is I ended up spending a chunk of years as a secretary. But I was a Ninja Secretary for sure.

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  20. Hey, Ben, love the post! Love the reference to the Joker…so sad he’s gone. Forgot to say how much I loved taking those personality assessments. I tried to flub it once, not so great an idea. The counselor was all concerned about why someone with my 3.64 GPA had a penchant for checking boxes for cracks or something like that! 🙂 Took me weeks to convince her I was not, in fact, mentally ill or cheating on every exam/homework assignment! Never did that again! Anywho…I thought between all that bitterness practice, you might wanna check out my post. Pretty funny if I do say so myself. It’s about a guy who wakes up as a PINK LEOTARD…LOL…which you can peruse at: http://lunaticslounge.com/2014/03/12/post-20-henrys-life-in-the-pink-chapter-1/ – CHAT WITH YOU LATER! 🙂

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      • Yeah, I was a bookworm until my senior year. Once I got accepted to my college of choice at the end of my junior year, I became a total miscreant. I missed 60 days of school, and my average plummeted to 2.3 for the year and a 2.96 overall. And I almost didn’t graduate because my English teacher hated the fact that I could miss 3 days of class and still make A’s on the vocab tests and/or literature quizzes because I liked to read, but I refused to do book reports because I thought they were stupid. I had a C average, but somehow she’d always cook the #s, giving more weight to the book reports than other assignments – trying to flunk me. But it didn’t work. I did 11 reports the last six weeks (thought the class was only assigned 9 total), and the principal said she HAD to accept them because he didn’t want me to flunk out. Didn’t look good for someone who was in the Latin Club to wash out…not good PR at all, LOL…but anywho…liked the post! 🙂

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  23. LOVE IT! So, basically, you wish to be paid to act like a teenaged girl who (think Haley on Modern Family) wants to be popular and knows how to twist all the snobby, cool kids, i.e. the corporate entities, around her lazy-assed finger, so to speak! 🙂 And I love the Raylon Givens video cameo there! Awesome! 🙂

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    • A cheese factory doesn’t sound so bad since that is pretty much what I eat all the time, but I imagine that I wouldn’t get free cheese and I would stink at the end of day every day. Yeah, I would be bitter.

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