Back on March 8, 2012, I was pretty bitter. Just like every other day, but this day, I had enough of anonymously being bitter. I had complained one too many times about how hardcore my job sucked to my co-workers and so they called started calling me Bitter Ben. So on that day, I found a website called WordPress, which I’m told does free blogs. I signed up and entered my first post, which was essentially an introduction, then went on to do a few more short posts throughout that day. This was my way of rebelling against work and also expanding my bitter empire. On that first day, I got 69 views and that would be my all-time high for about 6 or 7 months. I didn’t get a “like” or a follow for about 5 months, and honestly, I didn’t even know they existed back then. I was just spewing bitterness for the pure anger and resentment I had against mankind. So about 2 or 3 times a week, I would post something that was basically for me, because my co-workers stopped reading it after a couple of days and my family didn’t even know about it.
A couple of months later, I finally learned how to post it to Facebook and Twitter and then a co-worker who started her own blog, 7 months later told me about a thing called Categories and Tags. All of a sudden, I got a few likes, and then discovered the reader. I found that when I read other people’s blogs, and bittered their posts with mean comments, they would visit mine and start to become bitter too. This lead them to read my blog and for the first time in seven months, I received a follower. Know knowing that I could trick other people into accidentally clicking on my follow button, they would be forcefed my bitterness through their reader or email. It was now my time to strike and before I knew it, 2 years had passed (on Saturday) and 300 posts had been written (and by that I mean my next one will be 300).
When it comes to impeccably bad timing, I am the worst at having great timing (also sentence structure and speling). I was trying my darndest to get those two occasions to happen at the same time, but no, I couldn’t possibly happen when I wanted it to. So, as you know, I am lazy and jsut decided to do a post that is both two days late on the Blogiversary, and 1 post too early for 300.
Since, the movie sequel for 300 came out on Friday, and it was too late to include some really bad product placement in the movie, I decided to compare my blog to the movie 300(the first one, since I haven’t seen the sequel).
So how does my blog compare to a movie about death, misery, war, anger, resentment and bitterness? Not at all. Not one bit. No way. No how.
Okay, one way. Just like the 300 warriors who went to battle against the millions of warriors on the other side, they were doomed. No matter how many posts I put out there, or how many warriors on the other side of the 300, we are both doomed. I will stop writing in this blog someday (probably before I die) and you guys will stop reading it someday. But as long as the internet exists (probably a few weeks after I die), these words will be here, on this website for future generations of bitter kids, families and adults to ignore, just like they do now as it is while I actively maintain it.
Alright maybe one more. This blog can be just as damaging to your health as going up against a Spartan Warrior. The sharp edge of a bitterly misspelled word may hurt make your eyes bleed. I might push you to the edge of insanity or into the angry seas off of a deep ended cliff, whack you over the head with a blunt statement like that of a sheild, or pierce you to the heart of a really twisted idea. I may even poison your veins with the rage of a rant.
Speaking of rants, that is one more way this blog is like the Spartans. This blog doesn’t have a six pack and walk around shirtless, but it does scream a lot. It doesn’t yell about Sparta and war, but it does yell about just about everything else, in a passive aggressive way. So in other words, in rants loudly AND carries a big stick.
I can’t end this post without comparing its 2 years to a two year old. This blog is in its immature 1 year old stage. It babbles, is completely incoherent, and is pure nonsense. Unlike a two year old, this blog is nowhere near walking, and no one watches it is near as much as they would a two year old. This blog is starving and needs some food, but has yet to be fed. Not even once. All I know is, I’m not feeding it. It has sharp bitter teeth, and it bites with venom and sarcasm. It does have eyes, but only creepy ones that follows and records every movement I make. It is like a two year old in that it doesn’t sleep ever, and it doesn’t ever let me sleep either.
So look for more incoherentness and babbling in the future, but not forever. Well, not forever from me. But this blog will live forever, so you better watch out. It might poison you someday.
ARRRGGGGHHHH
Bitter 300 and 2 Ben
Here’s a bitter question for that veggieburger eater….why the hell do vegetarians insist on making their food (vegetables) cross-dress to appear as and pretend to be meat???? Why, if they dislike or avoid the meat do they actually want their food to look like meat??? This oddity has actually made me lie awake at night, pondering the possible reasoning for it. Why does Loma Linda make something called “Swiss Stake” (not steak, but STAKE–like the kind you kill Dracula thru the heart with) that LOOKS like MEAT but hasn’t an iota of animal in it? Can anybody answer me that? That’s the same school of thought that somebody managed to come up with ‘turkey’ bacon. No turkeys don’t have bacon…PIGS do, only pigs. Nice try, but no cigar.
How’s that for spreading some bitterness, Ben? Did I do ok?
All the “news” lately about positivity and negativity being contagious had me wanting to try the theorem out with bitterness…being the guru of what bitter is, do you believe bitter begets bitter? Thanks in advance if you get any answers. If not, no worries. Your fan, the Bitter, carnivorous mouse
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I can understand why you are bitter. Because you are not getting enough sleep, when you are wondering about things like this. It’s always why I am so bitter.
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Thanks for that, sir. Those vegetarians should just be happy to eat their veggies as is…it’s not okay to pretend to be meat just because it actually looks better on a bun. That’s not our problem.
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They should be allowed to eat our ice cream and bread either.
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Pingback: In case you missed…In case you missed it from last week bitterness | Ben's Bitter Blog
Congratulations on hitting the big 300. hopefully, you do not celebrate by getting your haircut during a drug bust looking for someone that looks exactly like you but who may be another ethnicity.
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Instead I will just push Persians over the cliff to their doom.
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I usually consider myself an optimist, but your bitter rants are starting to affect me. I’m looking outside at the windy rainy day and instead of remembering the beautiful day yesterday, I’m thinking about how much I hate the fact that winter keeps hanging around here. Thanks for encouraging me to see the gray in every day.
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Congratulations on 2 years of blogging and 300 posts! There’s nothing like coming over here for a good healthy dose of bitterness 🙂
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It’s too much for most, but thanks for bearing with it. I know how hard it can be for people.
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congrats on the 300 and it only goes to prove that bitter is as bitter does )
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That was said by Forest Dump right?
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Felicidades, Ben! Or should I call you, AMARGO BEN. Spanish for Bitter Ben, of course. I am glad you have been infecting your readers with amargoness for two years! I have only been blogging for one so I missed out on a whole year of amargoness. 😦
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Wow, I finally know what bitterness is in another language. I think I need to learn it in every language, so I can become an international bitter force.
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Keep spreading that bitterness around Ben!
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It’s what I do. Even when I’m tired an bitter.
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Well done on all frontiers, Bitter Ben.
Sorry for your good fortune. Meredith
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I’m not frontier. I’m more of a backrowtier. The one that has his head down, naps and doesn’t pay attention. I’m sorry you’ve had to read some of my terrible posts.
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Someone has to. I understand the consequences, and go willingly.
Regretfully,
Meredith
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I know and I’m sorry you have to deal with all the bitterness.
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Congratulations on 300 posts and two years of bitter blogging! Having been here for a lot of these posts, I can only say you’re only getting more bitter with time.
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I’m glad that you have noticed. As one of my longest followers, it is so bitter to hear that. May your Sass continue as long. BTW, how close are you to 300?
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I’m at 336. How bitter does that make you?
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Congrats on 300 (299). You seem to have plenty of followers now. I’d be bitter about all those people following me around when I clearly just want to be left alone.
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It is pretty hard to get stalked by that many people, especially when people are my number 1 thing to be bitter about.
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Congrats!
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It was kind of hard to do something for two years. I have barely been walking for that long, so I understand how hard it can be.
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Happy 300th!
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And a bitter thanks to you. Hope your blog is as positive as mine is bitter.
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Congratulations on the 300-versary… or Happy Bitter-Birthday… As an extremely bitter person myself (just failed a PhD after working on it for 8 years!), and new blogger, I aspire to similar depths of forever recorded miserly misery! Here’s to another 300 (or 299) Bitter Blog posts from Ben!
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Blogging is a great place to go to be bitter. And congrats on failing on your PHD. You will have plenty to bitter talk about. At least 300 posts worth.
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You should celebrate by taking your bitterness to a whole new – out of this world – level. Here’s inspiration http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAONkS06LFU . Congratulations! AARRGHHH!
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I’m not sure why that guy was so mad. It’s not like golf is important or something. All it did was mess up his shot a little. Though he did appear to be a bitter old man. Now that is my inspiration.
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Haha. After I posted it, I wondered who you’d like more – the guy who stole the flag and moon walked his way around the course or the old french man who took to the astronaut with his club.
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I’m still not sure why he was so bitter. It’s not like his golf game mattered.
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Haha. French People. They’re always pissed!
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And bitter. They are my people. But only from a distance.
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No mention of toilet training, or lack thereof? The latter would certainly add to one’s–that is, the BLOG’s–bitterness.
Mister Bitter, how is it you always find such perfectly apt and amusing pics and gifs? That part of creating posts takes me for-friggin’-ever. (Plus, I’m moronic enough to try to credit them, which takes for-triple-friggin’-ever.) Do you have a whole special-effects team cowed beneath your bitter lash?
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Very much a lack of potty training. I always forget the best ones, because that is what bitter is all about.
I just scour the gifs throughout the week on the internet and come up with a bitter theme, usually last minute and make stupid comments about them. You’ve now seen behind the iron curtain of the wizard of Oz, or some other really bad mixed metaphor.
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“…usually last minute and make stupid comments…” he crowed false-modestly. Nuts to you, thou of the thousands of hits and followers. Pth-th-thth!! So you can toss off appealing humor in moments, during “real work” hours, with nary a care, while the rest of us who sweat buckets to
carefully craft each post may be, relatively speaking, slog-gers. Well, you may be fast and talented, but at least I have my–at least I can–oh, just curvilinear-inclined-plane you, bitter boy.
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Dang you and carefully crafted comments that completely put me in my place! Dang you and your abilities to slog through posts and do them well and while I do really bad ones! I’m going to go cry bitter tears outside in the pouring rain!
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This blog is about ready to get its potty training on.
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Nope still wetting the bed and being bitter about it.
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Reblogged this on girlforgetful and commented:
I think it’s very possible that my blog is the bitter, sullen, illegitimate half-sister of Ben’s Bitter Blog.
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I have a bitter sister? Must be a long lost one.
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It will get better with age. Like rotten, and with wrinkles. In fact you have nothing to look forward to but gripes and chit chats. But on the other hand what else do you got. Your abs, your muscles and your good looks go boneless with death. So enjoy it while you have it.
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I can’t wait to be a bitter old man. My birthday is coming so I have one year closer to death.
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Believe me wait. I am now twelve years past the time I died. Being on borrowed time is not a pleasure. There are pains that travels through the body. Your eyes get dimmer, your breathe beats faster and your toes itch. Fortunately I have a good wife who nags me to be healthy.
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It’s always good to have someone to nag to you so you can be bitter.
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Fabulous but bitter work…congrats on your 300th post!!
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The two years have had its down and worse downs, but there was always bitter there to no comfort me.
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Have a crappy, incoherent, bitter anniversary. Argghh.
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It was so crappy, and incoherant. What were we talking about again? Arrrggghhhh!
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Congratulations, Ben, for making it to 300 posts! Great job! Sorry to not go with the bitter tone necessary to meet your blog’s theme!
Here you go: I hope that you continue to find life irritating and get a hair up your behind enough to aggravate the heck out of you, producing more rants for us to giggle about! Smiles, Robin
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Thanks for the aggrivated wishes. I assume that as long as I have a job I will always have something to be bitter about. Then, when I retire, I will always have old age and crankiness to use.
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I will be around to listen to your old man rants and rages, my friend. Take it easy and glad you didn’t decide to be a sad clown. That was a great post, by the way! Smiles, Robin
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Having to wear as much make up as Ronald McDonald just to go to work, would make me as bitter as the Joker, that is for sure.
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Congratulations (or commiserations) on your Bitter Blanniversary!
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It was a very Blandiversary. And my commiserations for having to read all the posts you did.
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You’re not planning on dying soon, are you? I mean, do I need to start lining up alternate sources of bitterness to see me through in your absence? You can’t just get us hooked on the freebies and then Jack up the price… (btw, well done on getting to #300. What a bitter victory!)
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I’m not planning on dying, no. I have so much more bitter work to do before I do. But of course, not many people have a choice when they go, so, you know. I have to make sure that bitterness is spread past my demise. So, if you could go ahead and take part of the mantle when I do leave, that would be great.
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I don’t know – I pretty much ooze positivity most of the time. Forays into the bitter side I like to leave for those more skilled in the art. But, should the unthinkable happen, you can count on me to drop some bitterness as best I can… (sideways smiley face)
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I will take care of the bitterness, until it is absolutely necessary for someone else to take it over.
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Congrats to the 2 years!! That is amazing! And thank you coworker for calling you bitter ben! It has been an awesome journey following your bitterness!
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The co-worker that named me that got another job, probably around people that were a tad less bitter. Of course, I don’t blame them. I would have quit if I had to work with me.
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Happy Blogiversary Ben!
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I’m finally a toddler. Now I can start my terrible twos.
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Congratulations on 2 years of being incredibly bitter!
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It’s been a bitter two years of work writing about it too!
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I’m in the same boat. My 1-year and 200th will come close but not together.
If I were you, I would have milked the nearby milestones for an extra post that would have garnered additional views and followers. On the other hand, you can now be bitter about the missed opportunity.
Nevertheless, congrats on making it this far. You’re one of the very few I see in the humor category who have been around longer than me. So many humor blogs, so many that aren’t funny and close up shop…
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I had no such intentions of doing two seperate ones because I am just lazy.
I am also bitter BECAUSE of missed opportunities, so this one seemed like a good one to be bitter about.
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Congratulations on making it to 300 and making my life all the more bitter.
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Life a bitter knife, I spread the bitterness.
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Congrats on both counts! And here, I’ll feed you, I’ve got a half-eaten Twizzler and a bag of Dorito dust. It’s all my kids ever leave me.
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They are good for something. Leaving scraps and building boxes for you to live in.
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Congrats on 2 years of bitterness! The terrible twos!
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You think the kids are terrible when they are two…
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all this spartan talk reminds me of spartan foods in spartanburg s.c., who owned hardees & i want a hamburger!
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The Hamburgler will deliver one to you.
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oh i loved the hamburgler . he steals from the normal & gives to the vegetarians.
you are so much smarter : it took me a year to figure out other people were here.
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That makes me laugh. When vegetarians have to eat burgers.
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i have to eat veggieburgers even though i’m soooo soy allergic, but i found recipes here & 1 day i will make it myself .. one has sweetpotatoes in it.
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does it have burgers in it?
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no but a lot of good things…i give up something keeps rearranging my words on the post you just did! i tried twice.LOL
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Congratulations. Three hundred, that’s a major milestone! As long as the bitterness flows, I will read on.
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Well, then I guess you will have to keep reading. Cause it flows…
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