I was watching the credits of a movie the other day, and they were long. Really long. An hour and a half later, I woke up and they were still running. Sure it was an epic show, (so much drama, Grown Ups 2) , but what I learned is that it clearly it takes a lot of people to make a movie. It’s kind of crazy to me to see how hard someone works on say, set design, editing or cinematographing, and the movie ends up being Scary Movie 5. I wonder if they feel the same way I do about my job, knowing that I am working so hard, just so I can get ignored by my boss, ignored by my customers, and knowing full well that that I’m not going to get nominated for an award. I’ve worked in the “industry” for 15 years now, and not so much as one Employee of the Minute Award. Of course, I believe you have to do actual work to earn an award, but someday I promise to do some(the day I retire perhaps?).
At least when a carpenter finishes making a set he gets his name listed 45 minutes into the credits, when no one is watching, and scrolls by at the speed of ignorage. When I quit my job? They will probably have a party, burn or delete every record of anything I ever ignored working on and go on to record breaking sales with instant bonuses.
I know I can’t list all 1 1/2 hours of credits in my epic journey to become the Bitter King of Bitterland, but I will include a few of the main actors and directors that shaped the bitter mold you read before you today. Here is a sneak preview of my Bitter Hall of Fame speech.
First, I would like to credit(no thanks here) my fourth grade teacher for giving me a bitter dislike of math. Thanks to your bitter dispostion and old cranky ways, Mrs. Johnson(really, you were a Mrs.?) I learned to not only despise you, but also everything you taught. Credit goes to you for teaching me how to spell coffee by telling me it was your favorite drink and displaying that by way of your breath. Thanks for teaching me that some teachers should retire before the age of 80. Thanks for teaching me to fear, mistrust and ignore authority. Thanks for scarring me for life with your weak attempt at a smile once. I wouldn’t have been able to not like my job, if it wasn’t for you and your bitterness.
Next, I would like to give credit to my mouth. Mr. My Mouth, you have been there from the beginning, getting me in trouble since we were both born. We annoyed my mom and dad, by crying, puking, and spitting. When I got older my mouth started heading in another direction. When it came to food, my mouth was greedy. He didn’t care about how hard my stomach would have to work to digest all the crap he tasted, nor did he listen to my brain, when Bitter Brain said to not tell a girl she was hot really loudly in class when she was sitting right next to her boyfriend. He always moved out of the way when he was talking smack to people and let Eye, Face, Gut, and Nose take all the punishment for him. Thank you mouth for being the Hollywood Star of this bitter body.
Credit for my bitterness must also go to Mr. Walter Disney. Not only do all the movies from his studio tell you “Dreams can come true,” which we all know isn’t true, but the motto for his “amusement parks” (amusement for him, his employees and hidden cameras maybe) is the Happiest Place on Earth. If the Happiest Place on Earth is in a line, then yes, that is the “Place”. But I can’t remember the last time I remember hearing someone go, “Wow traffic was so excellent this evening! I almost wanted it to go slower so I couldn’t get home!” And when it comes to his movies, I’ve been forced to attend several about “dreams coming true” and then attended real life outside. The only dreams that have ever come true for me is when they are nightmares of me getting stuck at work for 8 hours. I dreamed last night that Tina Fey and I were friends. Still waiting for that to come true, Mr. Disney. Also I don’t want to hear another song about dreams coming true until the couch sitting business that I’ve dreaming about since I was a baby ball of bitterness has a building the size of Apple in Cupertino. So, why don’t you try selling your magic beans and fairy dust to someone that is a little more naive?
Most of all I would like to credit my co-workers. They have been an inspiration to me about how to be dysfunctional, lazy and “cough, cough” sick. Not just in their heads(real), but also fake sick in their bodies. They have also mastered the ability to use their kids, dogs, cats, dentist appointments, and doctors appointments to perfectly time when being gone would cause me to do the most of their work. Who knew I would have co-workers that cared so much about me having something to do at all times, that they would volunteer to allow me to do their work, just in case I didn’t feel like working one day (or every day).
And to the Bitter Hall of Fame, how come it took you so long to induct me. I guess I will add you to the list of things that make me bitter.
ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH
Bitter Hall of Fame Ben
Your moment of bitterness in 4th grade reminded me of my 10th grade English teacher. Old coffee (I swear it was green) and stale cigarette breath are a lasting memory from high school. The next year when I got in trouble, he put me against a wall and talked about 8″ away from my face (before the days of worrying about sexual harassment). I do not smoke or drink coffee.
LikeLike
It makes sense that we both don’t drink coffee or smoke, huh? And also I don’t teach.
LikeLike
I’ve had pretty much the exact same line of thinking when watching movie credits. This post is timely after the day I had today (in which I did very little as per usual and nobody noticed as per usual).
LikeLike
I am always doing timely posts. Like that one about Peanut Butter after Halloween. I like keep thing sympatico.
LikeLike
Without coworkers, gas prices, and poorly made lemonade, the Bitter Hall of Fame wouldn’t be able to avoid honoring Bitterians like you.
LikeLike
I think regular people get cursed as soon as they walk into the door of my place of employment. There is no other way to explain them.
LikeLike
Mr. Walter Disney—destroying realistic expectations of hair and life and relationships and dreams-coming-trueness for almost 100 years. Still waiting on that genie.
LikeLike
He’s probably laughing at us all right now from heaven, knowing the legacy he “created” was to be a happy place when he clearly knew it would make us all bitter.
LikeLike
“Credit goes to you for teaching me how to spell coffee by telling me it was your favorite drink and displaying that by way of your breath.” You ARE a bitter, mean, mean thing. And I laughed so loudly that my cackling woke the neighbor’s dog.
LikeLike
Wow, I bet your neighbor is pretty bitter that you woke the dog and them from their slumber. My plan to make everyone bitter is starting to work.
LikeLike
Bravo! Your bitterness inspires me and I love your posts. Until I “met” you, I never imagined bitterness to be so fun 🙂
Keep up the great work!
LikeLike
I could build a whole career around it, if there were such a thing. Hopefully, my laying on the couch business will work out.
LikeLike
Good luck to you!
🙂
LikeLike
I’m gonna need some.
LikeLike
Lol fab post and I agree. I watched Grown Up 2 myself last week and had some good laughs and while I was on the computer noticed how long those credits were. PS you should be inducted.
LikeLike
I’m pretty sure I will get in. If I don’t I will appeal with all my blog followers who have been following it for a long time and I’m sure most of them will vote for me.
LikeLike
Count me in! 🙂
LikeLike
Every vote counts.
LikeLike
I think I was in your fourth grade class. And don’t get me started on Disney.
LikeLike
Mrs. Johnson was a nightmare wasn’t she? I already did a 6 part blog feature a little over a year ago and that wasn’t even enough to complain about. Clearly.
LikeLike
Thanks for finally talking about >A preview for my speech
into the Bitter Hall of Fame | Ben’s Bitter Blog <Liked it!
LikeLike
Well deserved BB. And I would like to thank my 3rd grade teacher for her preview into the (then) future, such as cars that cost what people were lucky to earn in a year back then, houses for 1/2 million dollars, etc. What a crock, I thought. Talk about being bitter to grow up and find out it was true.
LikeLike
Wow, your teacher was good at inflation. A 500,000 dollar house doesn’t even amount to that much in Seattle right now. Are you sure she wasn’t a medium?
LikeLike
Sure she was just a bitter substitute teacher who mostly taught us art and scary things about the future.
LikeLike
She was probably a medium then.
LikeLike
Probably just a witch.
LikeLike
Most of them are. Especially the ones that taught me.
LikeLike
Haha… Mine too!
LikeLike
The student becomes the master.
LikeLike
At least I learned something from my 3rd grade sub: what true red is.. Can’t say that’s a loss.
LikeLike
I still don’t know that and I’m in 36th grade.
LikeLike
Lol! it’s a ‘blue’ red as opposed to red with orange under tones. Now don’t you feel smart?
LikeLike
Nope I feel like a dope now.
LikeLike
Unteachable, eh? Something else to be bitter about. (Do I get credit for suggesting your next blog post?)
LikeLike
What is my next blog post again? Yes, you get credit if you tell me what it is.
LikeLike
The unteachable you:)
LikeLike
Sounds great. Sign me up.
LikeLike
Be careful what you ask for:)
LikeLike
Now I regret it.
LikeLike
The depth of your bitterness never fails to disappoint. Wait. What?
LikeLike
I never fail to disappoint. The depth of disappointment I give people is endless.
LikeLike
I feel like I sweat that bad when I have to do public speaking! I’m bitter about too.
LikeLike
I sweat like that just talking to someone in an interview.
LikeLike
The bitter hall of fame took so long because like Disney they have the bitterest place on Earth so why make anyone happy by rushing into an induction.
LikeLike
Plus there was a really long line that moved to nowhere.
LikeLike
LOL
LikeLike
Clever.
LikeLike
I guess that would make me a Clever boy?
LikeLike
I would hope so since there’s only one Clever Girl!
LikeLike
A true original, that can only be found at Ikea.
LikeLike
Congratulations! 😦
LikeLike
If you work on having a bad attitude you could some day join me….
LikeLike
I’ll work on that bitterly.
LikeLike
No one ever said you were lazy.
LikeLike
LOLOLOLLOLOL……oh sorry 😦 ?)
LikeLike
Never be sorry. One of the many rules of bitterness.
LikeLike
ok…….bitterbitterbitterbitter 😦
LikeLike
Much better, kohi.
LikeLike
Calling me a kohi makes me bitter Ben.
By the way, what the hell is a kohi?
LikeLike
It is Japanese for junior. I am sempei, meaning senior. I am the sempei of bitterness, you are the kohi, still learning.
LikeLike
I see 😦
LikeLike
Always emoji frowning. I like it.
LikeLike
I’m purty bitter about it 😦
LikeLike
That bitterness of yours is feeding my bitter soul. I’m getting stronger already.
LikeLike
Oh, I see, a razzieberry award.
Mathematics has a lot that’s fun in it, but if you don’t like it, that’s fine. You can pass yourself off as being knowledgeable in a conversation where mathematics comes up if you just assert that something or other followed by either Euler’s theorem or by Cauchy’s theorem. They had a couple hundred theorems each, so the odds are at least one of them is going to be on point for whatever’s under discussion, including the philosophical quest for a Rawlsian-just society.
LikeLike
If I even mention pie near a mathmatician, they start talk about how many digits and how infinite it is and I just say, um, I meant apple pie.
LikeLike
come over for dinner. We will celebrate! … oh right. we’re still waiting
LikeLike
Oh right. I know it is such a short trip to Canada. I’m not sure customs would allow such a bitter person into Canada, being that you guys are so nice and all.
LikeLike
so you dream of becoming friends with jewish people.
i will give you a worker of the minute award.
LikeLike
Finally the worker of the minute. I can wait to spend the penny award I get for it.
LikeLike
penny candy ..also worker of the second ,you win.
LikeLike
I guess a haypenny will do.
LikeLike
but if i haven’t got a haypenny?or hot cross buns?
LikeLike
My daughter is trying to learn that on the recorder.
LikeLike
lol…that’s where i got that from, but the violin in 5th grade.is she good at that?
LikeLike
Not yet. She’s only in 4th grade.
LikeLike
she will get better.you will not be bitter
LikeLike
When she gets to 5th grade.
LikeLike
yes in 6 months. try cotton in your ears
LikeLike
What I can’t hear you. I have cotton in my ears.
LikeLike
HOT CROSS BUNS x2 .ONE A PENNY
LikeLike