Welcome to the off orange colored carpet, where we welcome all the really bad stars of really bad movies. As you know almost every single person either nominated or not nominated loses, so let us really focus on how much a bunch of losers we all really are. To do so, let’s rehash old(all the way back from last week) really bad blog posts. Of course my condolences to all the losers.
So last week there was all kinds of controversy when I wrote about the Xbox and how it was talking back to me. I was bitter about how I finally had something that was supposed to listen to everything that I asked it to do and somehow mine was the only Xbox in history (of 5 months) that didn’t listen to its owner. Though if you were my Xbox would you want to listen to a word I said? I would pretend I was broken too….
I found something that I am good at though. I know that most of you are good at this, but there is one thing that I reign supreme at. Complaining. Just kidding. That’s never stopped me from offering really bad advice that I hope you follow. You know, just so I can I can laugh bitterly at you for actually listening to me.
Friday came and no one could be more bitter than it wasn’t Saturday. I mean just because you get to wear casual clothes to work, doesn’t mean that you didn’t still have to work. To make it even worse, I did a bunch of Magic Friday Gifitures to rub in the fact that it wasn’t Saturday. Leave it to me to make even magic mundane.
I did some award losing twitters.
I received some bitter comments:
“Bitter Ben . . . visualize this while you are staring at your Xbox, that you cannot control the horizontal, you cannot control the vertical, (in fact, you have no control at all) nor can you control the cute little icon with the smirk on his face, lying on the floor pounding his hands and kicking his feet, laughing hysterically because you have entered the Xbox Twilight Zone! WELCOME!” Snow
“You think you’re bitter? I spent $500 buying the Xbox One for my husband and son and so it’s not even me it’s ‘supposedly’ listening to. It actually does make dinner though. Maybe you should work on your tone of voice??” Marissa Bergen
On Winning the Complaining Game:
“I liked this, but I’m too scared to comment. I’m just bitter about that.” Blog Woman!!!
“You win. Can’t argue with that. Wouldn’t even dare to try. I’ll re-think that position when I’m on my death bed.” Girlforgetful
“This is my tippy-top favorite of all the posts of yours so far. The carefully bitter planning…I like it. You’ve really DONE that phone move, haven’t you? With this Gripe Guide, you’ve set the bar at a new depth for all we Danny- and Debbie-Downer wanna-bes out here. I bow to you, sir.” Outlier Babe
“Yeah the pizza trick…she got that off me. Bitter? Me? hmph…I feel like the girl on the left that the magic brookstick guy landed on. Like I need to give my head a shake but OH here’s THIS guy to do it for me! Thanks for reminding me, Ben. That one can just be grooving along and all of a sudden someone falls out of the sky and lands on your head. I’m staying in this weekend.” Laura Lynn
“Where am I, and why am I in this hand basket?” Sue Jansons
And now the Academy presents…. Bitterest Giftures of the night…
I’d like to thank the academy so much..for nothing. Bad night.
Arrrrggghhhh
Bitter Short Speech Ben
I liked this post, it added to my different opinions on awards shows and entertainment. You have me laughing out loud today! Smiles, Robin
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You know how awards shows are.
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excellent skater toss
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Chris Farley was the best at that.
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Best way to start a Monday morning. Thank you.
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So you don’t start your Monday’s telling funny stories to the kids? You prefer a bitter blog?
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Haha, ah my stories. A bitter blog is a much better way to start a Monday!
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Unfortunately, I usually only post on Sunday’s and only because it is my lazy post telling you about my other posts. But sure, I’ll take it.
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Hey, a weekly recap is a good idea… You’re always thinking!
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I have lots of ideas, just no time to implement all of them. I just wish I could make some money doing it, because it is much more interesting than my job.
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There’s no time to really make blogging a job while trying to work to bring in money! If only it was easier to make some money and write!
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I know right? I totally wish a company would just hire me to write their blog and watch their twitter and Facebook. That would be a great job.
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Any movie with Paul Rudd inspires bitterness.
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He is definitely a bittersperation.
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I, too, would like to thank all the little people who made this possible starting with Peter Dinklage and Herve Villechaize-no never mind. They don’t even return my myriad fan letters so to hell with them. I would also like to thank that chick who keeps tripping and falling every year, maybe SHE should have starred in ‘Gravity’ since it seems to love her so much. There was a lot of bitterness of watching her trip and fall when I could have done it so much better…really. That wasn’t even a face plant! I would like to thank Ben…no. The I think even a soupçon of gratitude might temper the bitterness and he could turn into a big poofy teddy bear and then where would we be?
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Wow you got nominated to the Bitter Hall of Fame too? What a weird coincidence. Your speech sounds so much better than mine.
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Bitter?
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Not more bitter, but better.
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what did i miss? i was watching bob’s burgers & columbo.
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the oscars and academy awards.
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all i can say is it’s bad enough we had to have reruns every channel every night of olympics & now this
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it went from the Super Bowl to the Olympics to the Oscars. Too many special events not enough Brooklyn 99.
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you got that right.you aren’t whistlin dixie
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we need more ordinary events.
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we do & they need to serve pizza
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I just had pizza for lunch. Shocker.
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i am shocked. did you really! .. i wish ,but i had broccoli & peapods in brown sauce & a lindt truffle.
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That sounds downright healthy for a Friday.
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i didn’t even know there were days to not eat healthy..is that like casual friday…i wear evening gown to get mail.
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Yeah. I used to call Friday Pizza. The last day of the work week is named Pizza.
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then from now on, i will try to get pizza on friday. or Pizza as it shall now be known throughout the land
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Someday my days will be recognized.
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i will be the 1st to recognize your days
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Monday = zone out, Tuesday = worst day of the week, Wednesday = next worst day of the week, Thursday = I’m still at work? Friday = Pizza, Saturday = finally Sunday = Church
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i recognize you & i raise you a barn…a barn raising on monday ,you’re zoned for it.
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At least they aren’t Tuesday.
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geico camels walk around wednesday
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annoying their co-workers.
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they wouldn’t annoy me unless they wouldn’t take me to sprinkle city dubai
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and you could rent a lamborghini?
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your twin brother likes to eat linguini in a lamborghini with nicholas cage in a rage in siam in a pram with poodles eating soba noodles.lol
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or a box with a fox.
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or amanda knox with a bagel & lox
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or a hox.
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a hox takes a ride on the docks after A to P and latereral x-rays in your socks
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All I know is that you better knox on the door.
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knox knox knox on wood…my next door neighbor 518 john knox presbyterian church
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on heaven’s door?
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knock knock knockin
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Who’s there?
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Orent
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The orient?
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or ient you glad it’s domino’s?
has domino’s gotten any better in the last 9 years?
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No they haven’t. They peaked in the 90’s.
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that’s what i thought.last time i tried was like 2004 ..spinach & feta…having a 50% of sale this week…says 17.99 for 2 pizzas i just looked at AFTER the 50% off.lol
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Forget the Oscars. I got honorable mention on Ben’s Bitter Comments section! I would like to thank all the little people who made this possible, my mother for teaching me sarcasm and wit, Bitter Ben without whom none of this would be possible, and of course Satan…
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Now that is a speech. That was more interesting than all the speeches but 2 in the Oscars.
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Thanks Ben.
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I was bitter just to be nominated.
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