Lego Bitterness

/ bensbitterblog

When I was in my formative toy playing years (1973-1987 uh…2014), I was a huge, unapologetic Transformer fanboy.  No need to be a hater or jealous. I would probably still have a Generation 1 Optimus Prime in mint condition in the box(worth $550 on ebay) had I not pulled Optimus Prime out of the box and if he was mine and not my brothers.  I got the stupid Soundwave, who was a cassette player, that is two generations beyond even existing.  What a useless Transformer he turned out to be.  “Ooh, play that music really loud and it might distract me from shooting you with red laser beam that will transform you into an Ipod! At least you will be something useful!” My Transfomer dream came true when I went to the theater to see the first animated movie where Optimus Prime died (spoiler warning! Oh wait, are you supposed to do that before or after you reveal the spoiler? I always forget.) then proceeded to give the Matrix (the thingy inside his chest that gave the next person leadership) to Ultra Magnus that was just a white Optimus Prime with a car carrier instead a truck bed.  Thankfully they didn’t stop there with the movies, which are awesome not only because they are super amped up slick graphiced versions of my favorite childhood toys, but because most everyone has seen them and almost everyone hates them.  There is nothing like a movie that makes millions of dollars that almost everyone else hates (one hint who likes them: It’s me).

Lego Movie? How about Leg no movie.

Lego Movie? How about Leg no movie.

This weekend there is a movie coming out called The Lego Movie that everyone will like, but I will hate.  It’s about a little toy that is a bunch of bricks that come unassembled for you to build.  I know that some people loved Lego’s more than Transfomers but they are wrong.  Lego’s suck and they make me bitter. Here’s why.

If I wanted a toy that made me work, I would buy Mansion in a Box.

If I wanted a toy that made me work, I would buy Mansion in a Box.

They come unassembled.  If I wanted my toys to come unassembled, I would order a construction job in a box that included all the wood, metal, nails, tile, pool equipment, work permits, basketball hoops, deed to the house, concrete and other supplies needed to create my mansion, pool, basketball court, and man cave.  It may not be near as fun as a Transformer, but at least you can live in it, unlike a Lego.

No there is something that is useful to build. An oversized, outdated version of a phone that doesn't work. Glad I spend thousands of hours on that.

Now there is something that is useful to build. An oversized, outdated version of a phone that doesn’t work. Glad I spend thousands of hours on that.

The unrealistic power of building something useful. Some say with Lego’s you can create anything that you make up your mind to build and some people have proven it.  There are Lego creations built by people of life size dinosaurs, oversized cell phones, cars, Master Chief, and even breakfast.  In the end, though, imagine all the wasted time, planning and money to create these things and all the do is sit in a mom’s basement.  They can’t transform like a Transformer, or stare creepily at you like a Teddy Ruxpin.  They can’t even have a two joint knee like a GI Joe.  They just sit there, stuck to each other, imitating pixelated games from the 80’s.

A virus. Like a Lego, but with less sharp edges and a little more creativity.

A virus. Like a Lego, but with less sharp edges and a little more creativity.

The basic building block of legos is a square and a little circle in the middle to attach it to another lego.  They can be built into all kinds of other things like Transformers, Marvel Characters, Disney, Barbie, even Simpson characters.  Does that remind you of anything else that you hate?  That’s right. A virus.  A virus isn’t a square (that I know of, I mean it could be if I studied or did research on what a virus is), but isn’t a virus just a micro sized lego that wants to attach itself to something else and steal all of its ideas?  Have you noticed there every being a Lego Lego set?  No, because there is no such thing.  Just a Lego version of everything else. There is no creativity at Lego, just a strong desire to steal everyone else’s ideas to make them harder work, to look blockier and be more useless.

Sharper and more dangerous than a knife, a sharpd

Sharper and more dangerous than a knife, a razor, or a Great White Shark.

They have shark edges.  No, that isn’t a misprint.  Sharp is a knife, a tack, or a shark’s tooth.  Legos are as shark as the sharks whole mouth of teeth.  “They” say that big things come in small packages, or that even the smallest action can make the biggest impact in the world.  That has been the theme to countless book, movies, television shows and myths for ages.  I think what all the storytellers think about whenever they talk about the huge impact something small can have, they think about a single Lego piece, hiding in your carpet, waiting like a Cheetah to pounce (except they are lazy and just sit there) for your foot in the dark, to make you scream and curse the day they ever invented the Lego with its shark edges.

I implore to find something else bitter to do this weekend.  Do not see The Lego Movie.  It will do its best to entice you to watch with promises of Lego Batman, Lego Superman, Lego Wonder Woman or Lego Morgan Freeman Voice as a Lego Narrator with a small Lego part, but in the end it will disappoint you with its story of “an ordinary person with no qualifications that will help save the Lego World”.  If you mess with Legos, you will just leave the theatre and life, with the bitterness of someone who stepped on a Lego barefoot at midnight.

AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH (I stepped on a Lego!)

Bitter Lego Ben

64 thoughts on “Lego Bitterness”

  1. I’ve only built one of the Lego kits, but I used to play with the actual BLOCKS when I was younger, and I loved it (even though I essentially built the exact same thing every time because I have zero creativity). (Can you even GET THOSE anymore????)
    My favorite parts of this: Leg no.
    ‘Legos are as shark’

    The latter had me not CTM or LOL, but I snorted, which is pretty much better. (Unfortunately, I can’t think of a clever three-letter acronym for ‘I snorted’…)

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    • My boy wants to play with Legos, so wife gets them, but since he is too young to figure them out, and I am too lame to figure them out, they really only get to play them when his cousin comes over to babysit. They play together, then the legos only come out to annoy me. If I did have legos, i would just make up some stupid mishmash of things because I can’t follow instructions. My mind goes into complete melt down when I see them.
      Careful not to snort too much. I don’t want you to sprain your writing hands and have to take time off.

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      • They sure aren’t like they used to be, with the fancy kits and all. Still fun, I guess, but not like they were before.
        Does your mind go into meltdown because you dislike Legos or because of the instructions?
        At least he gets to play with them sometimes. That’s better than never.

        HAHA, How would snorting sprain my hands?
        I already have a injury (of sorts) on my right hand, from what I can only assume is sleep fighting. (If you watch Parks and Recreation, that will be funnier. Or maybe just funny because it’s not really in the first place to be funniER’…)

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        • Yeah, my brother used to play them when we were kids and he had a lot of fun with them, but I never go them. I like connecting them together but randomly, just like I do with most things in my life. I can see how and organized mind like yours would enjoy them a little more than me (mr. random, non planner).
          If you snorted a little too hard you might snort into your hand and accidently sprain it. So it’s a stretch, but I have a vivid imagination and tend to exagerate things a tad, if you haven’t noticed in my blog posts. I like to take molehills and make mountains out of them. Also if you notice on my Friday Gifture posts, I stretch some of those gifs to fit my theme pretty far. Not all of them make sense, but I do my best to at least make them work in my skewed mind.
          I actually have a left hand that has a touch of carparl tunnel and I am using that in my book. Thought it would be cool to use.

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        • Yeah, I’m pretty organized in some ways. But it’s not really so much that I am, more so that I like having things the way I like having them. That doesn’t always translate to being organized, only organized for me. (Which is how my desk [table] looks like a mess but is how I want it.)
          Does that make sense?
          Anyway, the point is: I like Legos. I actually wish I had some.
          I say that like I’d have time to mess around with them. Blah.
          I’m having Skyrim withdrawals, by the way. And how is your BL 2 coming along? Had any time for that?

          How hard do you think someone would have to snort into their hand to sprain it? You have to wonder if someone out there in the world could actually do that. I know it sounds ridiculous, but some people can do some ridiculous things.

          LoL, yes, I’ve noticed the molehills/mountains thing.
          I hadn’t really noticed about stretching the moving pictures. (Yep, still calling them that.) Maybe it’s that they’re so distracting, or maybe they’re just funny and I don’t care if they wouldn’t technically fit. Or maybe I get how they fit. Or maybe I hadn’t thought about it.
          I dunno.
          *shrug*

          OH NOES about the carpal tunnel. 😦
          I’m so scared of getting that. Don’t know how I haven’t, really.
          Is it horrible, or not a big deal?

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        • Totally makes sense. I have a way and a place of putting things on my desk, but I have so many things on them that only I really have any idea about the organization of all of it.
          Maybe you should have a little Lego thingy on your desk in order to give yourself something to do to give yourself inspiration. Well, knowing you, you rarely need any inspiration as you have so many stories in the fire. It would be awesome to have some Lego’s made out of Aster and all your other characters and places in your worlds. Talk about cool.
          I haven’t had much time to do BL2. In fact, in the last two – three weeks I haven’t barely played any games. I go through times like that every once in a while. I’ll get back into it at some point though. I always do.
          Yeah, carpal tunnel pretty much sucks. About 5 years ago it was so bad I could barely move my hand at work and had to wear a brace. That was actually an inspiration for my main character in Pixel City. He has such pain in his arm that he can hardly handle it, but it turns out to be a strength later. It isn’t a pain right now because of a change I made in the keyboard I use at work.

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        • Haha, yeah, if I had anything on my desk to ‘inspire’ me, it would end up being something to ‘distract’ me.
          Have Legos made out of Aster? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
          (Aster made out of Legos?)
          That would be pretty cool . . .

          You said you were getting to game on your time off though, so this is an old update. lol
          Did I ask you what level you were in BL 2 now? If I didn’t, I meant to.
          Have you seen anything for the next one coming out?

          Husband played the Divinity beta the other day. We’re pretty excited about that one . . .

          Is the carpal tunnel not as bad now? (I know you said about changing the keyboard, but . . .) Does that ever really go away? I don’t know much about it past knowing I DO NOT WANTS IT.

          How does the pain in the arm turn into strength? Are you talking physical strength? Can you not answer that due to it being a potential spoiler? If so (if you can’t), I totally understand.

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        • They make figures of all kinds of characters. Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, why not Aster? It would be kind of awesome if Lego made personalized Lego’s. You draw them a picture of the character, they custom make it for you. That would be a fun promo item you could send out as a contest for your book.
          I actually didn’t end up doing much gaming while on vacation. I can’t believe how little I did. Am I losing my gaming touch? I am a level 29 Siren (Maya). What level are you? What is your character? I like that she does the floaty thing, but I always forget to use it because I just like using guns and grenades. My favorite is using the acid stuff that sticks well after you shoot them. I have seen a few things, but when a new game comes out I like to keep the info to a minimum so I can be surprised about the game. Feels more exciting when you get it. I did the beta for Titanfall and when I got the game, it didn’t feel as cool when I started playing it, because I pretty much had played already. That is probably why I won’t be playing the Beta for Destiny (or Divinity as you call it). I know enough that it will be awesome. I think the reason most people get the Beta is because they are competive players that want to get all the edges they can before the game comes out.

          Carpal tunnel isn’t bad now. For some reason when I type I have always been lazy with my wrists and don’t arch them up so they lay pretty flat. That is why I have my ergo keyboard at work and it raises my lazy wrists so I don’t have to think about it. I will probably always have some pain, but not like I did about 5-6 years ago. I swear I could barely make it through a day and I just wanted to go home rest my wrists and not move them until I had to go back the next day. It killed me because I wanted to play games, but couldn’t because it hurt so bad. That is kind of when I decided that it would be a part of the book. I am okay with telling you about the book. So Brandon (my MC) has carpal tunnel at his work, but when he goes to video game world, it turns into him having powers that help him on his journey. I haven’t decided what powers, but it will be what makes him special.

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        • It really would be awesome to have custom-made Lego characters. Even more awesome with custom kits/settings/whatever/blah.

          You didn’t do much gaming on your vacation, but have you done any since? I don’t know if you’re losing your gaming touch!
          I wish I had time to do it more often.
          I honestly couldn’t tell you what level(s) I am in BL2. I have so many characters on there. Yeah, I mostly use elemental weapons in that game. Love them. I’m excited about the freezing weapons in the next. (And the lasers!)

          I’m so bummed out about Destiny. I don’t even know what else to say about that.

          I don’t arch my wrists when I type either. I honestly don’t know how I haven’t gotten CT with how much typing I do.

          I didn’t know CT was as bad as you said it was. D:

          Sounds cool about your book! Hope you get it decided with the powers!

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  7. Oh God. You are so right. Although my son is a very bright child, he has miserable visual spatial perception (as do I). Needless to say, the only thing Legos are gOod for are building weird abstract versions of modern skyscrapers. So you can imagine my poor guy’s disappointment when, for his birthday, he receives Lego Star Wars sets rather than just good old fashioned Star Wars toys. I mean, way to torture a kid.

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  9. So, I liked the Transformer movies, and I wouldn’t have even seen them without Mikey. What’s not to love about the CGI Optimus Prime and Bumblebee? I hate stepping on legos…I also hate transforming transformers.

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  10. This is hilarious. I see so many facebook statuses and tweets about Mom’s who are injured or tortured at the hands of a lego. How on earth are they making a movie about that? What is happening.

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  12. Did you know you can’t go to Lego Land if you don’t have a kid? If I want to play with and/or spend $200 on a set of plastic blocks before I’ve procreated, I should be allowed to do so. This is America.

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    • Gosh dang it that makes me bitter! I totally want to be a billionaire like Bruce Wayne and walk up to the gate and walk in without kids and have the front desk people be like, “Sir you can’t go in there without a kid.” and him just pull out his check and then the person would be like, “Sir we don’t accept bribes” and him just say, “I just bought Lego land and there are new rules here.”

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  14. They are painful in many ways and require a degree in engineering and patience, neither of which I possess. My sons have outgrown them yet they continue to linger like the Axe Body Spray one of them is so fond of. Very funny and bitter post. (sorry if this is a duplicate – the original disappeared.

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    • My son somehow got the idea that he would like them, but he is too young to put them together and I won’t build them with him. But his cousin comes over and does them with him and all of a sudden he thinks that he can. So basically we have boxes of them and somehow one or two always escape to wake me in the middle of the night.

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  15. This is spot On! And for me, it was an especially (real) bitter brick to swallow (u r right about those sharp edges!) when living here in Carlsad, (previously a quainst coastal town whose claim to fame were its many flower fields,) became home to the popular destination, Legoland. We even had a city council vote on whether we wanted them here or not. The “nots” lost and now we can boast of having the New York City skyline made completely outa Legos. Such a thrill.

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  16. Ok, I promise I won’t see it. Should I also strip the games off the ps3 and ios devices of my kids? My movie that I hated that everyone loved – forest gump. He kinda reminds me of a Lego actually.

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