Bread Bitterness

/ bensbitterblog
Exactly Dwight.

The spices of life give me heartburn.

If you are not a nutritional expert like me, then you will probably not know this about bread.  It has carbs, which means some people avoid bread and it other gang members like the bulbonic plague.  If bread was a person, it would be one of those unassuming people, perhaps a co-worker or friend on facebook that posts the same old boring status updates day after day, that would perhaps mix it up every once in a while with a funny post taken from someone else.  Then one day, like a ninja they would attack your stomach repeatedly and all of a sudden you have a large bruise on your belly that won’t go away without diet, exercise or surgery.

It would be nice if they could just spell it out for us.

It would be nice if they could just spell it out for us.

Bread, like cola sodas, comes in all kind of varieties.  There’s French bread, Irish bread, Greek Bread, Russian Pumpernickel, multigrain, cornbread, bagettes, bagels, breadsticks, and Scandanavian cracked bread.  Bread makes you think that it is versatile and different, but it’s not.  If people are going to have to put up with all those bitter carbs they are just going to stick with the Coke or Pepsi of the bread world. White or wheat.

Though bread may start off wanting to be your friend, giving you sustinence from its life giving wheat like properties, if left alone too long in its specially created “bread drawer” it will soon turn evil.  You may not even see it at first, but it will start to develop a dark mold spot that will soon turn it evil and turn you viley sick.

Pepperoni Pizza?

Pepperoni Pizza?

Bread is a masochist.  It is always wanting to be sliced, cut, toasted, burnt, used to mop up other things, wants to be glued together and is insanely jealous of Pop Tarts.

Bread can’t make up its mind.  First it wants to be sliced, then it wants to be put back together.  It wants to be glued together with it other half by stuff like mayonaise, peanut butter, jelly, yet they are always allowing things to come between them like meats, cheeses, tomatoes or bacon.  They just can’t make up their minds.

Clean up after yourself, bread.

Clean up after yourself, bread.

Bread never cleans up after itself.  It’s always leaving crumbs everywhere.  It’s bad enough that I have to clean up after my kids (every once in a while anyways) but I shouldn’t have to clean up after bread or its sunburnt cousin toast.  They can be pretty crummy that way.

I will continue my crusade of educating people about the bitterness of bread, but mostly I will be trying to rid this earth of all its bread.  Join me on my bitter quest.

Arrrrggghhhh

Bitter Bread Ben

59 thoughts on “Bread Bitterness”

  1. Pingback: In Case you Missed It…Because you were trying to find something Super to watch this week | Ben's Bitter Blog

  5. I will never look at bread the same way again. I’m going to leave the packet open and put it in the freezer and laugh when my bread gets freezer burn. Carb Revenge. 🙂

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  6. You are so right. This evil piece of dough tempts us all the time by teaming up with his BFF (butter), especially of the melted variety. We fall for it and the next thing we know we look like huge fat sticky buns with frosting oozing out of our nostrils. Sorry…got carried away. Bread must die.

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  9. Brilliant bitter post. I miss good old bread. As a person who is gluten intolerant I can tell you that if you have ever tried gluten-free bread, it brings a whole new meaning to crumby!

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  11. And don’t try buttering it with butter, you forgot to let out and soften, you only get hard clumps of butter sitting on top of your toast. A bitter disappointment to be sure.

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  12. Since you’ve disseminated one of my favorite foods, I hope you will next discuss the inherent bitterness of cheese, which millions of us can’t eat due to some stupid enzyme we don’t have to digest it.

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  13. I love bread in all its many forms: pretzel bread, croissants, garlic bread, French bread, hamburger buns, cinnamon raisin bread, French toast, pancakes, cupcakes, cake, cornbread… Unfortunately, I’m trying the Paleo diet (which means I only follow it 50% of the time) and bread is not allowed. Though a few days ago my boyfriend convinced me caveman ate carrots, and therefore carrot cake was OK.

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  14. No, I’m sorry, I cannot join you in destroying the only thing a single girl with two cats derives pleasure from!! Bread is my friend, friend. That, and copious amounts of unsalted butter!

    Hater 😦

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  16. “How can something so right be so wrong?” I know Jermaine Jackson sang these words to a woman, but it makes more sense to sing it to bread. Before the porterhouse steak comes? Sourdough bread. Before the chicken parmigiana? Olive Garden breadsticks. Before anything at Cracker Barrel? Cornbread and rolls. Bread is the gateway food to obesity, and I want to bury myself into a fluffy baguette and spin around in its gluteny goodness.

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