If you are not a nutritional expert like me, then you will probably not know this about bread. It has carbs, which means some people avoid bread and it other gang members like the bulbonic plague. If bread was a person, it would be one of those unassuming people, perhaps a co-worker or friend on facebook that posts the same old boring status updates day after day, that would perhaps mix it up every once in a while with a funny post taken from someone else. Then one day, like a ninja they would attack your stomach repeatedly and all of a sudden you have a large bruise on your belly that won’t go away without diet, exercise or surgery.
Bread, like cola sodas, comes in all kind of varieties. There’s French bread, Irish bread, Greek Bread, Russian Pumpernickel, multigrain, cornbread, bagettes, bagels, breadsticks, and Scandanavian cracked bread. Bread makes you think that it is versatile and different, but it’s not. If people are going to have to put up with all those bitter carbs they are just going to stick with the Coke or Pepsi of the bread world. White or wheat.
Though bread may start off wanting to be your friend, giving you sustinence from its life giving wheat like properties, if left alone too long in its specially created “bread drawer” it will soon turn evil. You may not even see it at first, but it will start to develop a dark mold spot that will soon turn it evil and turn you viley sick.
Bread is a masochist. It is always wanting to be sliced, cut, toasted, burnt, used to mop up other things, wants to be glued together and is insanely jealous of Pop Tarts.
Bread can’t make up its mind. First it wants to be sliced, then it wants to be put back together. It wants to be glued together with it other half by stuff like mayonaise, peanut butter, jelly, yet they are always allowing things to come between them like meats, cheeses, tomatoes or bacon. They just can’t make up their minds.
Bread never cleans up after itself. It’s always leaving crumbs everywhere. It’s bad enough that I have to clean up after my kids (every once in a while anyways) but I shouldn’t have to clean up after bread or its sunburnt cousin toast. They can be pretty crummy that way.
I will continue my crusade of educating people about the bitterness of bread, but mostly I will be trying to rid this earth of all its bread. Join me on my bitter quest.
Arrrrggghhhh
Bitter Bread Ben
Pingback: In Case you Missed It…Because you were trying to find something Super to watch this week | Ben's Bitter Blog
i’m glad you put pumpernikel in here.people should hate it the least b/c it’s the bread that has the least amount of carbs (12)
LikeLike
but it is distasteful.
LikeLike
really…i like it , b/c it has less of everything…in your case less tastefulness
LikeLike
I’d pay a nickel to not have to eat it.
LikeLike
i’ll eat it for you w/ cream cheese
LikeLike
you can have it. i’ll eat bagels.
LikeLike
thank-you.they are bagels delicious ones even with lox or in a box & sharon fox
LikeLike
b-99 comes on at 8;30 pilot & 9;30 new episode tonight
LikeLike
Saw them both.
LikeLike
good..i am so dumb. i had this sitting next to me the whole time, to tell you:
andre: crying in math movie
“statistical analysis (boo hoo) is sooo beautiful”
LikeLike
who is andre? Why is he crying in a math movie?
LikeLike
you must have told him to cry at math, b/c he did.. he’s the cap’n ..he doesn’t like to be called cap’n .LOL “cap’n crunch ” ” you said cap’n as in cap’n crunch “,LOLOL
LikeLike
Oh yeah he said he loved Money Ball because of the stats. Now I remember.
LikeLike
he is so funny.note to self- watch money ball
LikeLike
I’ve seen it. It is more about the baseball than it is the stats though.
LikeLike
you hate math, so i can believe that
LikeLike
the math part was terrible.
LikeLike
the best part was terrible ?
LikeLike
yes the math was the worst part.
LikeLike
you might hurt math’s feelings
LikeLike
That’s bitter. And very funny. Love it.
LikeLike
Just goes to show you that even something as plain and vanilla and boring as bread can make you bitter.
LikeLike
You forgot what a sponge bread can be… Stealing all that tasty pasta sauce or gravy.
LikeLike
I always forget something. Bread is a theif of other foods and gives you the carbs. Time to give them right back.
LikeLike
I will never look at bread the same way again. I’m going to leave the packet open and put it in the freezer and laugh when my bread gets freezer burn. Carb Revenge. 🙂
LikeLike
Mess with that bread because it has been messing with you. And when it gives you carbs, give them right back.
LikeLike
You are so right. This evil piece of dough tempts us all the time by teaming up with his BFF (butter), especially of the melted variety. We fall for it and the next thing we know we look like huge fat sticky buns with frosting oozing out of our nostrils. Sorry…got carried away. Bread must die.
LikeLike
It is and evil carrier of carbs and gluten and should be smushed into crumbs.
LikeLike
Bread is my home girl. How dare you!
LikeLike
How dare me get in between you and your best buddy. Girls night out!
LikeLike
That was a “crummy” post. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Now, Can I offer you some bread pudding?
LikeLike
Actually I agree with you. It had the best of intentions on this one, but it didn’t turn out anywhere near what I thought it would. So crummy!
LikeLike
😉
LikeLike
Brilliant bitter post. I miss good old bread. As a person who is gluten intolerant I can tell you that if you have ever tried gluten-free bread, it brings a whole new meaning to crumby!
LikeLike
I can’t imagine being glutten free. It would be the bitterest.
LikeLike
It is! lol
LikeLike
Bread can have an identity crisis from time to time. I can remember when it was served soup inside. Silly bread, you’re not a bowl!
LikeLike
And it doesn’t like to be in a basket or a plastic bag either.
LikeLike
And don’t try buttering it with butter, you forgot to let out and soften, you only get hard clumps of butter sitting on top of your toast. A bitter disappointment to be sure.
LikeLike
Torn toast from frozen butter is the bitterest.
LikeLike
I haven’t tried that, perhaps I am just not bitter enough.
LikeLike
Well, it is a delightfully hideous creation that would make even the happiest person bitter.
LikeLike
Since you’ve disseminated one of my favorite foods, I hope you will next discuss the inherent bitterness of cheese, which millions of us can’t eat due to some stupid enzyme we don’t have to digest it.
LikeLike
Um cheese is one of my favorites, but I will be bitter about it for some reason…
LikeLike
I love bread in all its many forms: pretzel bread, croissants, garlic bread, French bread, hamburger buns, cinnamon raisin bread, French toast, pancakes, cupcakes, cake, cornbread… Unfortunately, I’m trying the Paleo diet (which means I only follow it 50% of the time) and bread is not allowed. Though a few days ago my boyfriend convinced me caveman ate carrots, and therefore carrot cake was OK.
LikeLike
Remind me never to do the paleontologist diet. That sounds simply dreadful.
LikeLike
No, I’m sorry, I cannot join you in destroying the only thing a single girl with two cats derives pleasure from!! Bread is my friend, friend. That, and copious amounts of unsalted butter!
Hater 😦
LikeLike
You are just one cat shy of being crazy cat lady, you know…I’m bitter about the unsalted butter that you would sully valuable bread with though…
LikeLike
Hahahah brilliant!!!!!
LikeLike
It was kind of a let down to me, but most of my posts are pretty bitter to start with.
LikeLike
Yeah I guess. It’s good though! Bitter sweet
LikeLike
“How can something so right be so wrong?” I know Jermaine Jackson sang these words to a woman, but it makes more sense to sing it to bread. Before the porterhouse steak comes? Sourdough bread. Before the chicken parmigiana? Olive Garden breadsticks. Before anything at Cracker Barrel? Cornbread and rolls. Bread is the gateway food to obesity, and I want to bury myself into a fluffy baguette and spin around in its gluteny goodness.
LikeLike
Bread and me go way back. I think I was delivered in a bread basket…
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Dead Citizen's Rights Society.
LikeLike
This is why I went Gluten Free…GF bread does not crumble or break. It simply goes into your mouth where it stays. Try it sometime.
LikeLike
If I went GF I would probably choke and die from the absence of glutten that I am such a glutton over. I will go ahead and not try that soon.
LikeLike
I love that first picture lol
http://www.awordofsubstance.wordpress.com
LikeLike
Any picture with Dwight is a good picture, because he is the actor most likely to play me in a movie.
LikeLike