Bitterness for Dummies

/ bensbitterblog
Welcome to class, where we learn how to use our mutant power of Bitterness.

Take a seat everyone, class is starting, where we learn how to use our mutant power of Bitterness.

Take a seat everyone, class is about to begin at the B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness,  Bitterness for Dummies class.  I realize that there are a lot of newcomers to WordPress, because it is January and that is the time to start a new blog “for one of your resolutions”.  I imagine most of your blogs will be abandoned in a week or two, like a gym on the second week of January.  There will be one or two out of the billions that start that may survive the cut and actually post once or twice a week for a whole year or more and actually get enough feedback to want to continue.  A few more will stay doing it without feedback like I did for about six months, because they are crazy and like talking to themselves, or like me and just had so much material that I couldn’t stop typing things that made me bitter.  Maybe through some crazy quadratic equation of clicking, Googling or WordPressing you got here and you want to know more about this bitterness thing.  There are probably a few amateur bitternests, that want to turn pro, and others that just want to dabble in it.  Regardless of your bitter interest level,  this is the Beginner’s class based on the Bitterness for Dummies manual that we will be using for class.  Alright, who’s ready for the boring lecture?

Let the boring lecture Begin!

Let the boring lecture Begin!

Step #1- The first key to being bitter is getting your body bitter.  I always start with the face.  People can tell a lot about your bitterness just through your facial expressions.  Furrow your brow as much as possible. Clench your jaw tightly.  Cover your mouth a lot.  If working on a computer, type really fast and hard.  Pretend like you are concentrating on a stupid hard math test.  If you need additional help, wake up really early in the morning, turn on the bathroom light as soon as possible and look at that face.  Now take that feeling, and use it for the rest of the day.  Scowl like you were just rudely woken up, transported to a surprise party of friends you barely know, and imagine that you had to talk to them, in your current state.  Nothing will get your face ready for a bitter day faster than that.  Work on clenching your fists, or grimacing like you are exercizing for the first time in a year.

April here will show you the scowl technique.

April here will show you the scowl technique. Notice how seemlessly she does it.

Step 2# Pop Culture.  I find a good way to be bitter is to watch a lot of TV, read a lot of internet articles, or stalk follow a lot of celebrities on Twitter, Facebook, or into their dressing rooms.  It is a great way to see arrogant, self serving, rude, backstabbing, selfish, and one dimensional people right in front of your face 24 hours/7 days a week.  At least one of these people is at one time the most reviled person on the planet (or at least the most famously reviled).  One of them is always doing something so rude, so detrimental to society, so trainwrecky, or so wasteful with their money, that you can’t help but envy their life.  Who wouldn’t want to be above the law, or be so ungrateful for all the money, power and prestige they get? They are also a great example of how to be awesome at complaining about your First World Problems.

Watch as we feuds directly through the press.

Watch as we feud directly with each other through the press.

Step #3 Ignore people.  The bad thing about living on this planet is that there are other people.  There are a billion different places they could be, but for some reason they want to occupy the same place as I do.  Learn to just ignore people.  I find that when people ask you how your day is, and you answer that it was fine, they want to keep asking your more questions.  So what did you do last night?  Did you and your family do anything?  Did you watch any of those TV shows that were on last night?  A good technique in getting people to not ask you those questions everyday is called overshare.  If you don’t know what overshare is, go to Facebook and scroll through your feed.  If you gasp everytime you read about someone sharing what their surgery was like or what the size, shape and frequency of something was, that was an overshare.  Now just say those thing outloud to people ONCE, and they will learn not to ask you about anything.

I'm sorry, were you saying something?

I’m sorry, were you oversharing something?

Step #4 Do as little as you can at work.  When your boss starts realizing you are doing as little as possible, they will start seeing that “you need more things to do”.  They will start “training” you to do other things.  They will start assigning you new tasks.  They will start giving you more responsibilities.  But, because they are bosses and enjoy “supporting your growth” they will do all these things without compensating you.  It is then, that you will learn to be bitter for 40 hours a week.  Then, you will find your bitterness spilling over into other aspects of your life and then you really only have to work at being bitter for your sleeping hours.

I'll get right on that!

I’ll get right on that!

Alright, it looks like the bell has gone off for this boring lecture for the day.  I have lots more bitter advice to offer, but I saved the really bitter stuff for the next class that you pay for.  Because nothing will make you more bitter than to have to pay for advice that really doesn’t help you at all.  But it is a bitter lesson that I am willing to give you.  Before you leave, there is homework. Because nothing is more bitter than homework.  But I’m not going to tell you what it is.  Now get out there and get Bitter and we will see you tomorrow early in the AM. 

ARRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Dummie Ben

122 thoughts on “Bitterness for Dummies”

  4. One of the wittiest and funniest posts I’ve read this year — which of course makes me bitter because it’s better than my own. Blog on, Dude, and I’ll stalk you to the ends of cyberspace.

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  6. I’d write something funny here but everyone else already took the best bittery bits.
    Lol Funny post. Loved the first line of step #3, as that’s often how I feel.
    One question though, does applicable real life experience transfer as credits toward a degree?

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  7. Pingback: In Case You Missed It…because you Trying to Save Mr. Banks | Ben's Bitter Blog

  9. New reader here (so maybe this has been explained) but what’s the difference between being bitter and being cynical? I’ve always identified myself as a cynic but maybe I’ve been wrong and I’m missing out on life as a Bitterton. Need a Teacher’s Assistant?

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  11. Well, if anyone had bitterness down it was Magneto….though he’s had some competition from the cold weather lately. That’s been really bitter. Of course, I’m in Florida so the impact on me is minimal. Yes, I’m almost always an annoying ray of sunshine. 😉

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  12. This is a great post, and it has inspired me to shamelessly plug my most recent blog post here.
    I do this for 3 reasons:
    1. It fits the bill for step #2 perfectly
    2. It will make you more bitter to know that someone tried to use their blog to shamelessly plug their blog
    3. It will make me more bitter when you flag or disapprove this comment OR when you let this comment slide and literally no one clicks my blog because no one likes a shameless plug.
    4. Anyone who has read this far will be made even more bitter because this comment is stupid long, and because I said they would only have to read 3 reasons. Then I listed 4. Ben, am I doing this bitterness thing right yet?

    http://thecatchyblog.wordpress.com/2014/01/09/how-katy-perrys-music-makes-us-stupid/

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  20. I find my best method for turning bitter is to simply grab the door knob, turn it, and head out into the ‘real’ world. As soon as that first taste of mankind occurs, it’s an easy walk down the path of bitterness.

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  22. At work I pretend to know less than I actually do, and I endeavor to misrepresent my accomplishments so as not to advance too much. I’d rather remain at the bitter status quo than be respected, admired, and underpaid.

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  26. You waited 6 whole months before getting comments? I have been doing this 1 year, and three months and NOBODY, but my sister leaves a comment. The only reason I am NOT bitter is because I am INSANE. ‘Nuff said…..

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  28. OMG you crack me up! I don’t know how you don’t run out of bitter ideas but the bitter in you just keeps on flowing, you are scary! (lol kidding, I’m willing to put you are a puppy dog) 🙂 Shh, I won’t tell anyone!

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