Take a seat everyone, class is about to begin at the B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness, Bitterness for Dummies class. I realize that there are a lot of newcomers to WordPress, because it is January and that is the time to start a new blog “for one of your resolutions”. I imagine most of your blogs will be abandoned in a week or two, like a gym on the second week of January. There will be one or two out of the billions that start that may survive the cut and actually post once or twice a week for a whole year or more and actually get enough feedback to want to continue. A few more will stay doing it without feedback like I did for about six months, because they are crazy and like talking to themselves, or like me and just had so much material that I couldn’t stop typing things that made me bitter. Maybe through some crazy quadratic equation of clicking, Googling or WordPressing you got here and you want to know more about this bitterness thing. There are probably a few amateur bitternests, that want to turn pro, and others that just want to dabble in it. Regardless of your bitter interest level, this is the Beginner’s class based on the Bitterness for Dummies manual that we will be using for class. Alright, who’s ready for the boring lecture?
Step #1- The first key to being bitter is getting your body bitter. I always start with the face. People can tell a lot about your bitterness just through your facial expressions. Furrow your brow as much as possible. Clench your jaw tightly. Cover your mouth a lot. If working on a computer, type really fast and hard. Pretend like you are concentrating on a stupid hard math test. If you need additional help, wake up really early in the morning, turn on the bathroom light as soon as possible and look at that face. Now take that feeling, and use it for the rest of the day. Scowl like you were just rudely woken up, transported to a surprise party of friends you barely know, and imagine that you had to talk to them, in your current state. Nothing will get your face ready for a bitter day faster than that. Work on clenching your fists, or grimacing like you are exercizing for the first time in a year.
Step 2# Pop Culture. I find a good way to be bitter is to watch a lot of TV, read a lot of internet articles, or stalk follow a lot of celebrities on Twitter, Facebook, or into their dressing rooms. It is a great way to see arrogant, self serving, rude, backstabbing, selfish, and one dimensional people right in front of your face 24 hours/7 days a week. At least one of these people is at one time the most reviled person on the planet (or at least the most famously reviled). One of them is always doing something so rude, so detrimental to society, so trainwrecky, or so wasteful with their money, that you can’t help but envy their life. Who wouldn’t want to be above the law, or be so ungrateful for all the money, power and prestige they get? They are also a great example of how to be awesome at complaining about your First World Problems.
Step #3 Ignore people. The bad thing about living on this planet is that there are other people. There are a billion different places they could be, but for some reason they want to occupy the same place as I do. Learn to just ignore people. I find that when people ask you how your day is, and you answer that it was fine, they want to keep asking your more questions. So what did you do last night? Did you and your family do anything? Did you watch any of those TV shows that were on last night? A good technique in getting people to not ask you those questions everyday is called overshare. If you don’t know what overshare is, go to Facebook and scroll through your feed. If you gasp everytime you read about someone sharing what their surgery was like or what the size, shape and frequency of something was, that was an overshare. Now just say those thing outloud to people ONCE, and they will learn not to ask you about anything.
Step #4 Do as little as you can at work. When your boss starts realizing you are doing as little as possible, they will start seeing that “you need more things to do”. They will start “training” you to do other things. They will start assigning you new tasks. They will start giving you more responsibilities. But, because they are bosses and enjoy “supporting your growth” they will do all these things without compensating you. It is then, that you will learn to be bitter for 40 hours a week. Then, you will find your bitterness spilling over into other aspects of your life and then you really only have to work at being bitter for your sleeping hours.
Alright, it looks like the bell has gone off for this boring lecture for the day. I have lots more bitter advice to offer, but I saved the really bitter stuff for the next class that you pay for. Because nothing will make you more bitter than to have to pay for advice that really doesn’t help you at all. But it is a bitter lesson that I am willing to give you. Before you leave, there is homework. Because nothing is more bitter than homework. But I’m not going to tell you what it is. Now get out there and get Bitter and we will see you tomorrow early in the AM.
ARRRGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Dummie Ben
Yippeee 🙂 no home work 🙂
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Just for that I’m sending you home with homework. I want a 5000 word essay on why you find this as the bitterest blog on the internet.
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OK:-)
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Still waiting for it. When will I be recieving it? I need something for my blog.
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Thank you for visiting my blog. I hope you will continue to find articles that you like and enjoy.
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I am always searching for articles and other subjects to be bitter about.
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Darn good advice. Refreshing, like sucking on a lemon. Did I tell you about my brain surgery?
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I have quite a bit of advice for people that they don’t care for or need. Stop by any time for that.
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One of the wittiest and funniest posts I’ve read this year — which of course makes me bitter because it’s better than my own. Blog on, Dude, and I’ll stalk you to the ends of cyberspace.
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Is it because it is the first post you read this year? I’m just glad you know how to bitter now. I find that people need help learning how to be bitter, since they are happy all the time.
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who wouldn’t want to be a narcissistic devil like the donald & make everyone lose all of their money buying his stock, where he always declares bankruptcy.. or yell mean things at rosie or open fake schools to steal money from his marks.
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I’m okay with him yelling at Rosie. She is just as much of a punk as he is.
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well he doesn’t have to call her ugly on cnn..that’s just rude.& she’s not a sociopath like he is.
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Calling anyone ugly is mean, sure. She may not be a sociopath, but she definitely isn’t funny for being a comedian.
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she’s a comedian? i didn’t know. she’s definitely not funny.. once on larry david; she tried to beat him up.
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She is just annoying as much as Trump.
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yes she is, but not evil like he is
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Just annoying.
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very annoying and loud
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Were we talking about me?
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no , not you, rosie
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oh yeah she’s horrible.
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not as much as donald vicious cycler
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His ego trumps all.
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LOL trumps hahahaha..
my eggo trumps his ego
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i’m cooco for coco puffs.
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you’re coco channel.
you just reminded me of another trial…susan polk’s son said she was cooco for coco puffs.
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that susan polk is such a crazy person. What with her doing illegal things and whatever else she did.
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good guess. she stabbed her elder/ husband /psychiatrist many many times
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I had to take a stab at it.
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lol…you certainly did..what a fruit cake she is..2 of her sons testified against her …the 1 for her called here coocoo for cocoa puffs.. she became her own attorney & questioned them herself…
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Never be your own attorney.
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you are correct. i do love when the psychopath is his own attorney, b/c they always go down, except on law and order.
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Or if they are a raving lunatic.
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only raving narcisistic lunatics ask & act as their own attorney….she kept 1 son on the stand for like 6 days if i remember,trying to brake him..lol
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I would never speak a word in court.
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i wouldn’t either, except when they made me.once i got hysterical,went & the judge said i knew his father, so i have to recuse mydelf
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I would plead the 5th.
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i wish i could, but not in divorce court. i had a friend who is a judge in charleston,small claims court he used to try to aggravate me & my dog bubbulah- pretend to give her chocolate
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I would talk in court and just say go to my bitter blog. Shameless.
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i don’t think they are allowed to leave court to go anywhere (to your bitter blog)….
except in the case of scott peterson..they did & it caused problems
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I promote it whenever I can.
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that’s very wise.perhaps a sign in the courtroom
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That would be great. I was thinking of somehow getting it on the TV when the Seahawks do their parade. At least 700,000 at the parade right now.
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i wouldn’t be watching, so it’s a good thing i know about your blog
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My blog is the Jerry Seinfeld blog. A blog about nothing.
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funny i just said seinfeld is a show about nothing , above , before i read you say same….but yours is about something…just today , a monkey pulled a tiger’s tail. i’ve never heard of such a thing
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it’s my blog that is about nothing.
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if you say so..i’ll tell you something..something is running on the roof upsetting my nerves…last night & now…opossum?
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We have mice always running in our walls.
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oh no .can you hear them?
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All the time. and they eat our food and leave dropping all over the place.
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oh no..i told my chiropractor they were cute & he said no they eat wiring = house = could catch fire.
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you don’t want anyone catching fire. They might be having hunger game pains.
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yesterday mildred dunlap wrote rachel was on fire .
if i catch on fire , fireman is 2 floors & 20 feet away.
omg that’s a haiku.i didn’t mean to…..
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I think you meant to.
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i meant to do what ? catch on fire ?
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I’d write something funny here but everyone else already took the best bittery bits.
Lol Funny post. Loved the first line of step #3, as that’s often how I feel.
One question though, does applicable real life experience transfer as credits toward a degree?
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It depends on how much you pay. The goal is for me to get rich and you to get bitter.
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Well now you’ve succeeded. As soon as I get rich I’ll send ya the money you bastard!
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Well, good. So…you rich yet?
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Pingback: In Case You Missed It…because you Trying to Save Mr. Banks | Ben's Bitter Blog
I think I already sat through this class once. Can I just take the test and move onto your Sarcasm and Snide class?
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I glad you got bored at my intro lecture. It think you will quite hate the sarcasm and Snide class. Plus they cost a lot of money, so you’ve been accepted for those, yes.
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excellent – i look forward to sleeping through them
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Those are the students I like best. They then have to take the class again and it means more money in my bitter coffers.
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New reader here (so maybe this has been explained) but what’s the difference between being bitter and being cynical? I’ve always identified myself as a cynic but maybe I’ve been wrong and I’m missing out on life as a Bitterton. Need a Teacher’s Assistant?
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Cynacism is a different class. This is just the beginner class for people that aren’t familiar with bitterness. We might have an opening for a teacher in Cynacism 101 class thought.
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Nothing makes me more bitter than seeing/hearing/knowing anything about Miley ‘Twerking’ Cyrus. Could we just drop her off the planet for 2014?
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She is just a virus. Let her and 2013 go away together.
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Thank you. By the way, your Bitterness word cloud is still pretty small compared to your Humor word cloud … just sayin’ …
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That cloud thing is so totally wrong. It must be some sort of bitter consipracy created by WordPress.
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WP has a bitter sense of humor.
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Not as bitter as mine, but yeeah.
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Well, if anyone had bitterness down it was Magneto….though he’s had some competition from the cold weather lately. That’s been really bitter. Of course, I’m in Florida so the impact on me is minimal. Yes, I’m almost always an annoying ray of sunshine. 😉
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And he’s had movies made about him. Course my bitterness is so boring since I don’t have the power to control metal.
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This is a great post, and it has inspired me to shamelessly plug my most recent blog post here.
I do this for 3 reasons:
1. It fits the bill for step #2 perfectly
2. It will make you more bitter to know that someone tried to use their blog to shamelessly plug their blog
3. It will make me more bitter when you flag or disapprove this comment OR when you let this comment slide and literally no one clicks my blog because no one likes a shameless plug.
4. Anyone who has read this far will be made even more bitter because this comment is stupid long, and because I said they would only have to read 3 reasons. Then I listed 4. Ben, am I doing this bitterness thing right yet?
http://thecatchyblog.wordpress.com/2014/01/09/how-katy-perrys-music-makes-us-stupid/
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Four steps is a good start. Now you just need to do it for another year and a half and 250 more posts and annoy all of WordPress and then you have the beginnings of a bitter career.
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Practicing my jedi bitter scowl and igno-ray! Let the bitterness flow through me!
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Keep up the bitter work. With more practice you could a true bitter Jedi Knight!
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Practicing my bitter face as I type. >: /
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It’s something that happens quite often when I am typing.
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I’m having a hard time with scowling and furrowing. My face doesn’t want to go that way…>-(
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See how much effort it takes to be bitter? Not as easy as it looks. But for me it is a pretty natural thing.
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Thanks for the refresher course Ben. For a while there I was in danger of becoming too happy. Crisis averted!!
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And as soon as I gave you that tiny advice you have to go and undie your purple hair. How dare you!
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Bitter awesome once again. Sorry. I hate to shine any positive light into your darkness, but it was. Okay, you can creep back into the dark now. 😉
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I will have to go back into my cave now. Ahh, the dark feels so good now.
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One question: Is there going to be a test over this lecture? Because if there is I’m going to be bitter about it.
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Yes a bitter test will be administered. Could I get you to write it?
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Only if I get extra bitter credit.
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Heavens, yeah. I will make you extra bitter.
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Brilliant.
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You need a Little bit of sunshine!
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I live in Seattle. We’ve never met sunshine!
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I hear you have “sun opportunities” in Seattle. No wonder you are so bitter 🙂
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If by opportunities you mean the sun has taken a permanent vacation, then yes, we have lots of opportunities.
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Actually, the total opposite of what you just said. It was actually a pathetic pitch for me to consider moving to Seattle. I may be bitter about living in Florida but I don’t need to go to the other extreme 🙂
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Nothing but bitterness here.
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I find my best method for turning bitter is to simply grab the door knob, turn it, and head out into the ‘real’ world. As soon as that first taste of mankind occurs, it’s an easy walk down the path of bitterness.
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I do believe that I will be covering “going outside” in the next boring lecture. Luckily you can skip that one, since you know it already.
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The boring lecture pic made me HOWL! Step #2 is the Whole Truth, dude. You are a great observer of Life.
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If there is one thing I’m good at, it is finding things that make me bitter. If there was such a thing as a Bittervational speaker, that would be me. But I would stutter, hem and haw a lot.
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At work I pretend to know less than I actually do, and I endeavor to misrepresent my accomplishments so as not to advance too much. I’d rather remain at the bitter status quo than be respected, admired, and underpaid.
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Either way, you are bitter and that is the goal. There are lots of ways to accomplish your bitter goals.
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I don’t know how crowded the blogosphere is in January but the gym could definitely be a bitter practice environment. Where did all those people come from?
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They come from the zombie resolution graveyard. They will pop up from the grave of 2013, rise for a few weeks in 2014, then return to their graves, never to be seen again.
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Those over-sharers are annoying. Aren’t they. Ugh.
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Yeah, especially the time I put up pictures of my surgery.
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I will bring teacher a bitter apple tomorrow. Do I get an A?
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Only if it is poisoned with bitter flavoring.
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You waited 6 whole months before getting comments? I have been doing this 1 year, and three months and NOBODY, but my sister leaves a comment. The only reason I am NOT bitter is because I am INSANE. ‘Nuff said…..
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You need to be more bitter like me. I started just going to other people’s blogs and making them come back to mine.
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Thanks! I am so ready!
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Sign the check to B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness.
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OMG you crack me up! I don’t know how you don’t run out of bitter ideas but the bitter in you just keeps on flowing, you are scary! (lol kidding, I’m willing to put you are a puppy dog) 🙂 Shh, I won’t tell anyone!
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Bitterness comes naturally to me. It’s like the Force for the Skywalkers. It was a gift I just grew into.
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Still laughing! 🙂
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Reblogged this on harunarslan14.
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It’s not crazy to talk to yourself. Pop culture is always a good way to be bitter.
http://www.awordofsubstance.wordpress.com
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I know it isn’t. I do it all the time right Ben?
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Reblogged this on Dead Citizen's Rights Society.
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