I know you’ve all been suffering through the really cold cold out there, for which you should be really bitter, but not near as much as me. This guy right here, with the two thumbs pointing up at him, had to go outside yesterday and start my car early. Then I had to use the scraper thing to get a thin sheet of frost off the windows. And if that weren’t enough, I had to turn the heater on. If that weren’t bad enough, I had to wear a hoody type jacket, that, GET THIS, had long sleeves over my short sleeve shirt. Not to mention that I had to wear socks. The temperature hit an almost antartic temperature of 47 F, (8.3333 C for the few people that use that scale that makes sense) by the end of the day, and the sun peaked through but only briefly. In fact, in a horrific thought that only few could ever imagine I almost thought of putting gloves on. Obviously I would never do that even if it got down to the low 40’s, but to even imagine it, was making my insides freeze up. But let’s not talk about weather anymore. It is so boooring. Besides, it’s not really on anyone’s mind anyway.
Speaking of boring, you all know who Micheal Bay is right? The award winning director of such classic introspective films as Transfomers, Transformer Revenge of the Fallen, and The Rock? Well, this classy director of fine film was at CES, which is known as the nerd forum of new technology and he was talking about something pretty unfamiliar to him-film. So of course, he struggled mightily when the teleprompter had a bit of an oopsie. Luckily, he handled it with the bitter class and dignity of a Hollywood Bigwig that is fed every word they are supposed to say in public. He walked off the stage to politely ask someone to fix the telepromptor, because he couldn’t possibly come up with anything about film directing that would be of any use to an audience on his own.
If that weren’t awkward enough, let’s finally get to my growing up years. When I was in high school, I did my best to try to be invisible, to be an outcast and alienate everyone I knew. Because I was marginally above the average height of the average kid, I fit in slightly with people, if only to hold down the bench in basketball games. Because my parents forced my hideous gap teeth to be railroaded by some unsafe metal in my mouth for two years, I had a straighter overbite that only made people only giggle slightly to each other when I lumbered by. And while I tried my best to not wash my face in order to keep those attractive red zit things on my face, eventually they mostly cleared all on their own(when I say mostly, I mean I still get them) with Accutane and other zit creams, so people could see my actual skin color. Luckily, I had the biggest defense against other high school students. The defense that was referred to in Bitter Magazine as “the most epic social awkwardness you have ever seen”. I blushed at every corner, hemmed and hawed at every question and my intelligence was deeply hidden to where no one would ever be able to find it, including me.
Despite all my measures taken to fit out, and my ability to extricate myself from the hordes of really cool and semi-cool and pretty much not cool at all crowds, I was unable to shake two people that somehow wanted to sit with me at lunch. Maybe it was because they were also trying really hard to fit out too, but I knew it wasn’t true because I saw them actively trying to talk to other people. I did my best to say stuff that were really non sequitir and out of place and at the most inopportune times, but somehow they seemed to be impervious to my social miscues. Dang their shields of obliviousness! Luckily, I was able to be in a couple of classes with them, where we were able to be in my favorite method of fitting out, group projects! The teacher didn’t want to assign groups, they wanted us to awkwardly find our own partner! Of course, I would have gone with that one lunch table eating guy, but I much preferred the sitting there awkwardly to find that every other person in class has a partner and I don’t stare. I got the chance to be assigned by the teacher to a group that already had two, but “could use a third”.
Then, I did my best to get D’s and F’s in certain classes so I would have to take classes again in the summer. That way people could point at me and say how horrible of a summer I was going to have because instead of staying home and annoying my mom, I would have to go to school and annoy the teachers and other students who didn’t want to be there. It was also a good way to avoid parties or seeing other kids I knew at the mall, so I could avoid the awkward hello or look away and pretend I didn’t just see you there glance. It was a hard thing to do, trying to fit out, because there was so much pressure to do things completely wrong, but for some reason I always managed to just enough things right to make my life miserable and bitter.
As I get older, and I reflect on the pressures of fitting out, I look back bitterly, realizing how much work I put into it and how much work it didn’t have to be. I don’t worry near as much at work, or other adult like functions nowaday on fitting out. Now it just comes so much more naturally. I am much freerer, to be who I really am not, and be awkward in a much more natural way. I don’t know why it was so hard back then. Maybe it was the hormones, or the hair(or maybe hair and hormones were connected somehow) that was so out of control, but now I am completely comfortable in my uncomfortability. Or maybe my pants are just a little too tight.
Arrrggghhh
Bitter Fitting Out Ben
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I am sorry, did you say 8C?!?!??! We have been in some time of deep ice freeze. It got down to -37C, exposed skin could get frost bite in 5 minutes…. 8C in Canada, is like BBQ and pool weather. I am seriously so envious of your weather.
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I know so freaking cold right? I don’t know how anyone lives in such a cold environment like me.
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Please. I am begging you.. Lets switch! Today it is 9C, and people are wearing shorts?!
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You can have ours. We had wind storms and lost power. At least it is 30ish though.
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The high temperature of the day was 25F here in FLORIDA. So 47 degrees F, 8.3333333 C… Pssht, you sound bitter-whiney. I was totally whiney. And frozen. Solid.
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Isn’t that like 100 degrees F? That sounds really hot.
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You can’t even begin to know bitter when we are in the MINUS forties temperatures….THAT IS FRIGGIN BITTER COLD!
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I know the feeling. In South Dakota growing up it once got to -80 and we went to school that day. It was insane.
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Perhaps that caused your bitterness? LOL
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That didn’t cause it, but it really helped.
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No way! I was voted ”the most epic social awkwardness you have ever seen” too! It took years to perfect the awkward smile, but I think I finally got it right.
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It’s hard to be so marginally likable when all you want to be is left alone.
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47 degrees? Aw, you poor bitter thing, it was 48 INSIDE my laundry room yesterday.
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I know. Everyone should feel sorry for me.
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I could’ve used about fifteen heaters that would’ve been heating yesterday. >.<
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Hopefully it has warmed up so you can go back and edit more in your shed. Maybe someday you’ll warm up to 8 C like us.
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Michael Bay was NOT comfortable at all on stage, that is probably why he is NOT an actor. He kept pounding his fist like an over-heated gorilla. That was one weird clip. By the way, who was doing the “Voice-Over?” Was that one of your little darlings??
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I loved the uncomfortable awkwardness in that clip. It was epic.
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Every skill takes practice. You’re just now reaping the rewards of all that hard work you did in high school. Congratulations.
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I am now finding WordPress as another way to alienate people that I have just got to know.
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We are truly turning into a global community.
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It’s a great way to alienate on a global scale. Like global warming, but with bitterness.
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I always found “fitting out” was much cheaper than fitting in.
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I was trying really hard to fit out into my pants during Christmas.
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No offense, but is any of this bitter cold your doing? Just wondering… 😉
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This bitter weather is absolutely my fault. I take full blame.
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I’ll see your 47 degrees and “raise” you to -10 degrees (feels like -27 we’re told). Boring, bitterly cold, miserable… you’d love it here!
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I would definitely not love it there. As you know I don’t love it anywhere. Where are you, South Dakota, where my nightmare exist?
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Ugh! Heaven forbid SD! Chicago…the bitterest Windy City
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What a bitter city that is yes. Because it gets so cold and Trump put a building there.
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I’m going to resist saying Chicago trumps Seattle when it comes to bitter….
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I think both have their merits in bitter weather.
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Well, I hope you’re happy, Ben. This just left me bitter and unfulfilled. Just they other day I was eating lunch by myself when some smartass executive-type walks by and says, “Hey, Russell, having lunch with all your friends?” Little did he know the joke was on him. At least I don’t have to put on airs for my invisible non-friends.
Stop by and visit sometime. Maybe we’ll share a cup of bitters, or not. http://russellgayer.com/
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My favorite people to be bitter about are executives that think they are funny.
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You need to spend more time over at my Sunny California Blog. Where it’s always sunny with a 37% chance of laughing You’ll have to excuse me now, I need to go find my bermuda shorts . .
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There’s a much chance of bitterness over at my blog since there is 100% that it will be there every time.
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You should start a store and offer bitter pills to swallow!
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I know right? Would you be the first customer?
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Yes, I’m very good at swallowing pills.
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I’m really good at swallowing bitter pills.
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Somehow, and don’t ask me how . . .I knew that!
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I’m pretty predictable that way.
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Not a scraper thing?? Yikes! Really just move to Canada where you could talk boring, bitter weather incessantly.
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I assumed that I was just supposed to wave it over the window, but it didn’t seem to work.
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i would love 47 degree weather compared to the – 45 degrees we have here. im pretty bitter myself. lol
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I would love the 72 degree weather that I assume Hawaii is having right now.
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You used to get red pussy things on your face? Isn’t that every teen boy’s dream?!
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Here’s a conundrum: what’s the difference between fitting out and outfitting?
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There is no difference because I am bad at both.
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Don’t fret, brother – at that age, I was the same way, trying to grow into my awkwardness. It’s hard work, and I’m still a work in non-progress. You’ll not get there, eventually.
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I’ve been really anticipating not getting there someday.
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HEATERS GONNA HEAT!
Thanks for that. I will be using that all day now in caps.
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You know, cause I made it up, you will need to credit me for it every time.
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I can deal with those terms
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It’s a deal. Go forth and speak of this heater thingy.
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