Shopping at this time of year is like entering the gladitorial arena of ancient Shoptopolis. Avoid it at all costs. If you want to survive take a little advice and do it the lazy way like me. Get out your computer, log-in, and read Ben’s Bitter Blog. Oh, if you want to get shopping done, send a text to someone else to go to the mall for you. Couching is much more important. Buying stuff online is way too much work.
While you are shopping around for a holiday special to ignore, might I suggest The Bitter Ben Holiday Variety Hour and a Half. Because an hour an 29 minutes just isn’t long enough to annoy you completely.
I’m not an expert at building things, at all. But gatherings are going to happen, that you are going to feel compelled to go to, so I offer up my advice on how to build up a Bitter Brick Wall of emotions. This will give you the ability to sit in a corner blissfully not talking to anyone.
It is a busy time of year for people, (because the rest of the year isn’t at all) so on Friday I offered a bunch of moving pictures (so technologically advanced) that spoke about things you can do for the holidays. Being bitter about others will help you be bitter about yourself.
Bitter Twittering Happened.
People commented on stuff:
Bitter Ben Holiday Variety Hour and a Half Special:
“Good to know Jessica and Nick aren’t married, Julia Roberts is married, Donny and Marie aren’t married, Julia Roberts is married.. and KK lost an earring. I rely on your blog for the latest in celebrity news.” Virtual Endings
“Didn’t the Muppets do a special like that once? Are they still together?” Claire Duffy
“I call dibs on bringing the mistleno! Can we also spend approximately four hours watching It’s a Bitterful Life, where at the end, it’s revealed that every time a bell isn’t ringing an angel hasn’t earned its wings?” Katie
Bitter Brick Wall:
“I’m known as the master of the negative body language. I’ve avoided innumerable people because of this.
As for the other bricks, I’ve laid them down quite firmly except the sleep part. Too much homework and studies doesn’t let you sleep!” Keerthipoojari
“So, how IS that line working for you? (stole it!) I am adept at building walls as well. Just ask all my ex’s. That sounds depressing, but it’s not. In fact, I kind of remember my last one shouting something like “Why?” after me as I collected my knives and good cast iron frying pan. All that chatter…I’m going to send him an email someday.
Soon. Right now I am in Costa Rica (in my mind) and I hear a phone ringing. Somewhere. I think I was supposed to bring home Christmas ornament hangers…there was a sale on nail polish though. People think part of my wall is digression I want a puppy.” Laura Lynn
“I feel like this post does to Miley Cyrus what a Ouija Board does for restless spirits. You just invited her in, Ben. She’s going to try.” Aussa Lorens
Friday Busy Picture Bitterness:
“This is why I have chosen to never witness a naked redheaded man up close and personal. I would rather drink Midori Sour than watch him climb up Mount Midoriama.” Kerby
“I’m busier than I would like to be at the moment. I am sneaking off to comment on blogs who have probably forgotten about me since I’ve all but disappeared from the blogging world since I’ve started my new job.
Also, I would really like to know who is holding the camera in that last picture and why they’re not dead yet. Also why that guy is looking so gleeful about shooting that gun.” MissTiffany
“P.S. The one of Tom Hanks is PRICELESS!” TB
Some bonus pictures:
Let’s take down the tree:
But first let’s get it home:
Here’s a real bitter picture:
Don’t forget the ornaments:
Bitter shopping to you!
Arrrghhhh
Bitter Ben
Related articles
- In case you missed it…This will help you forget (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- In case you missed it…It was a lazy week (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- In case you missed it…You are probably from another galaxy..or earth (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
Pingback: In case you missed it…because you were entranced by a Yule Log | Ben's Bitter Blog
I almost spit out my coffee over the moving pictures bit!
Then there was the tree falling on the kids.
I seriously have tears in my eyes right now. XD
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Funny things happening to other people are one of the few things that really make me laugh. That is why I’ve been doing the gifs every Friday. Plus I don’t have to write as many words.
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I honestly don’t even know how you (or anybody else) find(s) that stuff. Maybe I just suck at finding things on the internet.
And yes, one can never complain about that.
(I’m still going to call them moving pictures.)
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I just have a superhuman ability to type words in Google. Nah, really I just frequent some websites that have funny gifs and pics because they are amusing to me. Ever been to the Onion.com? Or collegehumor.com? Juvenille and sophmoric, but I love it. If you love the humor there, you will see where I stole mine and watered it way down.
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It might be lame (or lazy) of me, but I have a much better time when people do all the work, pick out the gems, and share those with others.
I was actually on Onion.com a bit ago, looking at something from FB. Saw a bunch of random articles on the side that couldn’t even catch my interest long enough for me to get through the titles. lol
I did check out collegehumor.com after you suggested it. It looked pretty funny, but I guess I really am just lazy when it comes to that sort of thing.
>.>
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Well, I do well at certain things like finding pictures and making fun of people, others like you do better at torturing people and writing a huge series of books. I sometimes wish I was talented at something that would make me some money for goodness sake.
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Hahaha.
I sometimes wish I was too. XD
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I’m still wishing that one person will accidently want my blog on their Kindle, just to say I monetized my blog.
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How do you even DO that?
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Just go to Kindle publishing for blogs and fill out a few things. Don’t worry. Haven’t made a cent off it yet.
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That’s so weird. O.o
And also a bummer that you haven’t.
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I know, but it is weird that anyone would pay for something that is free to read on the web. I was just hoping for the best. Oh well.
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That is a very good point, haha.
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Oh well, I guess I will just have to trick people some other way.
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I wish I had the vaguest clue what we were talking about here.
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Something to do with people paying for my blog. You know just utter nonsense.
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I am wondering how we are solo, solo, solo galaxy beings, that nobody knows we’re here, on the edge of the Milky Way.
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I guess we are just too weird looking to all of them.
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I made it in to Bitter Ben’s Variety Hour and a Half Special comment section? Wow. I feel sort of famous now. And it’s exhausting you know, being a celebrity and stuff. Now, don’t forget to keep up with me.
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Yes, you’ve been dishonored. There will be an Academy of Dishonored Comments early in March to coincide with the Academy Awards.
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And I have to remember to follow up in March? Oh man. I’m stressed. It’s awful hard being a celebittery.
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You coined a new phrase. We may just add another award to you growing list of celebittery swag.
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Friggin hilarious. I am beginning to think you are a descendant of Ebeneezer Scrooge?
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I am part Scrooge and part Grinch. All bitter.
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Oh my gosh I BARELY survived shopping yesterday.
Also, that gif of the treadmill + Christmas tree is exactly why I am terrified to exercise. Ever.
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I survived shopping only because Amazon.com wasn’t so crowded.
If I exersized it would cause my couch to be lonely.
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i would really love to become a master of negative body language.can you teach me this? do you have a seminar?
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Or course. It is a class offered at the B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness. It is taught by Dr. I. M. Bitter.
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LOL well dr i.m. bitter
i .m. bitter II
your alias is u.r. funny
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When my book gets published I will be telling other people they are funny? So not true. I can’t do it because it would make them feel goo instead of bitter about themselves.
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yes i can understand that.how do you publish a book? i guess that’s a long answer with many words
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I just write a bunch of words, pay a website to self publish and then I lose all kinds of money when it doesn’t sell.
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well those were a bunch of words right there.
i’m getting 3%..have you done this yet really
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Nope. I’ve been working on my novel since Jan 2009 though.
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you have.that’s wonderful.
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not really. I wanted it to be published in feb 2009.
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oh no:we can turn back time
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If I get published back then, then yes.
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you would & will be published then & now
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Especially since I just saw Back to the Future.
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he looks exactly the same now,what’s his name.
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Micheal j fox? or doc brown?
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michael j fox.i couldn’t think of his name.
charlie sheen looks like his father’s twin…i don’t know how they do that & john riiter looked exactly like his son does now.
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Other than the Parkinson’s disease he has he looks mostly the same,
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that’s true.same haircut too
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He will see himself in 2015 from his Back to the Future self.
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he will see himself in the future tomorrow in the mirror
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That will mess up the space time continuum.
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a 3 x mirror continuously messes up the time space continuim
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Little things can make big messes. Like a water leak in your condo.
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yes,little things like raccoons can tear up your house ,your ductwork, your attic,insulation in the walls & break 3 new A C ‘s
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stupid little things.
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you know what 1 did? he opened a ziploc big bag & thought it was a potty & what was inside , my wedding shoes & 5 photo albums & he obviously broke into my house.this was after i left
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bob newhart just said anti pasto means against pasto & pro volone means for volone.lol
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He sure had a way with negatives and positives.
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lol.. & you have a way with puns & tums
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I definitely need some Tums right now. and you with the haiku.
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& i need nexium
thank-you for reminding me
you’re a good sport
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I just took some nexium this morning. finally.
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you did, or did nexium take you
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Hasn’t worked just like the other crap.
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ain’t that the truth. 40 mg x 2 isn’t strong enough.
someone should invent something better.
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i always thought it was bad luck to throw out fortunes:that’s why 4 are sitting right here. …huh..now i’m bitter i never knew this.
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I always thought it was bad luck to think that any of your fortunes would ever come true. Sounds like we are both right.
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honest truth serum.i have to tell you.i have the stupidest f c’s …wrote haiku, but 1.when i got here it said you will become rich..i had just lost all my money.i was a millionaire..mad at f c ….last week it said you will have god health & a long life.i said a few bad words & called f c an idiot.
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Mine always say I won’t be bitter.
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well that would be logical according to mine….lol i forgot what f c was.lol my abbreviation which is too long of a word for what it means?
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fortune cookie I hope.
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lol it was but i forgot for a minute
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I’m pretty sure that is what you meant anyway.
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I was never rich and probably won’t ever be. Unless bitterness pays well.
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psychopathy pays well: congessman, governors…oh that reminds me…dharma calls old s.c. governor : marco polo sanford, when he hides in brazil or wherever he went.
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That darhma guy is pretty famous out there huh?
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yes everywhere..he was a newspaper journalist …he really likes to read bitter ben,, he wrote that on one of these things like this.
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So why isn’t he getting you and me famous? I really need some money so I can move to Utah.
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I can’t tell if that bitter elf is a boy or a girl or just a longhaired hippie.
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I think the only thing we NEED to know is that he/she/hippy is bitter.
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