The Bitter Ben Holiday Variety Hour and a Half Special

/ bensbitterblog
Closed Fire.

Closed Fire.

Remember gathering around the Tube of many colors as a family when you were a kid?  Remember those old Holiday Special Variety Shows that celebrities did on television where they would decorate a tree or have a snowball fight(I especially enjoyed when the snowball fight went just a little too far) or sat around opening presents?  All so they had the excuse to sing Holiday Carols and pretend like they were having fun together?  They were popular in like the 60’s, 70’s or 80’s.  Usually they revolved around A list celebrities like Donny & Marie or Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey.  The best part about them is that they brought those couples closer together.

Still going strong.

Still going strong.

Though Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey were having problems at the time they did their Holiday special, afterwards they were all tickle fights and kitten whispers (not sure what that is really).  In fact, they are still in wedded bliss as we speak.  Sorry, my producer is interupting me.  What did you say?  Of course they are still together!  You’ve seen their show on MTV right?  She might be a little air headed and he might like hanging with his boys too much, but they are still together.  Watch their reality show on MTV!  At the end of every show they always talk about how much they still love each other.  What?  Their show is cancelled?  7 years ago? Oh!  Ummm, well at least MTV still shows music videos most of the day.  I can’t imagine what they channel would be like if all they did was reality shows all day and ditched the Music Videos all together.

Still together after all these years.

Still together after all these years.

So maybe Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson aren’t a couple anymore.  At least Donnie & Marie are still married right? Those specials were really good for them too.  Even though Marie was a little country and Donnie was a rock n roll guy like KISS and Guns n Roses, they always seemed to come together in their marriage.  Nothing could keep them apart.  Dang it producer! I’m trying to write a blog here!  What is it?  What do you mean they aren’t married anymore?  Seriously?  Well what did they fight about?  Ooohh, oh really…So what you are saying is that they are brother and sister? Righhht.  Uh huh.  Oh well, I could…never mind.  At least they still have their Donnie and Marie talk show.  There’s always that.

Okay, well since those shows were so successful, I’ve decided to bring back the genre.  But Bitter Ben style.  The Escape Goat will be there in case we need to blame someone.

So, treat this like my promo, because I don’t have enough money to pay for commercials on TV, or radio, or newspapers (remember those?) or even Facebook.

Pretend my writing is a bitter deep voiced, VOG(Voice Over Guy) that is getting you bitterly excited to watch a special variety show.

“With all the happiness, joy and peace going on in the world, who has time to be truly bitter about things? You may not have more than an hour and a half to sit down with your family and friends, but I promise, if you do, this show will make you instantly regret that you did.  Join us as we celebrate all the bitterness of the holidays in Bitter Ben’s Christmas Variety Special.  Imagine a world where coal is in every stalking stocking.  Imagine a world where you didn’t get every present that you wanted.  Imagine the streets filled with snow that causes multiple flight delays, traffic accidents and missed get togethers.  If you want to feel that pain again and again, the Bitter Entertainment Network (B.E.N.) presents: The Bitter Ben’s Christmas Variety Special Hour and a Half!”

Kim Kardashian and Christina Aguleria everyone!

Kim Kardashian and Christina Aguleria everyone!

“Jennifer Lopez will be there talking in a little kitten voice and showcasing her lack of talent as not only a bad actor, but as a bad singer and dancer.  Who knew you could make so much money being a triple threat of three bad things?  She will talk about she is just a down to earth girl who is just Jenny from the Block as she cruises by in her limo.”

The kind of bad apple that makes you ill.

The kind of bad apple that makes you ill.

“Julia Roberts will be here horsing around, talking about how funny she wasn’t in Pretty Woman and how she is yet to make a good movie for which she so handsomely gets paid.  See her overact, laugh like a heina, and talk too much about her kids, her husband and how little people care that her name is really Julia Moder.”

Bill Heder as Al Pacino as Charlie Brown

Bill Heder as Al Pacino as Charlie Brown

“Charlie Brown will be here to attempt a field goal with Lucy as his holder.  Watch as he attempts over and over to kick it, reassured that Lucy will not move the football only to moved out of the way once more.  Watch as his last attempt misses yet again, but this time he “accidently” kicks Lucy.”

She tried.

She tried.

“Kristen Stewart will be here. She will attempt a stunt so horrifying, so terrifying, so crazy, out of control and over the top, that you may not recognize her at all.  She will attempt to show emotion.  I don’t want to spoil it for anyone, but she fails.”

“Gwenyth Paltrow will be here to show us how to drive a Vespa.  She will attempt to pick up her kids at school and almost hit by a school bus, who clearly is at fault because it was driving in a “School Zone”.

She sometimes gets emotional around the holidays....when she loses and earring in the ocean.

She sometimes gets emotional around the holidays….when she loses and earring in the ocean.

“The Kardashians will be by to talk in their nasally, dim witted voices about the talents that got them wealthy and famous.  Stuff like, um, uh what do they do again?  You know they like, uh, and then they, ooh mmm not sure.”

“Scrouge and the Grinch will doing a duo about their bitterness towards Christmas.  These guys are what a bitter Christmas is all about.  Not learning lessons and their Scrouginess and Grinchiness at the end of their stories are what Christmas is all about.”

Sing off Yo!

Sing off Yo!

“So when your dysfunctional family stops by and you just can’t stop arguing about things, tune into the Bitter Entertainment Network and watch The Bitter Ben Holiday Variety Hour and a Half and I promise this will just stoke the fires of your bitter family gathering.”

Arrrrrgggghhhhh

Bitter MC Ben

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64 thoughts on “The Bitter Ben Holiday Variety Hour and a Half Special”

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      • Always need someone to blame and a good goat that does magic tricks. >.>

        Gah. You know you don’t have to say that sort of sh** to me (about the book being awesome) just because you’re like…toooootally my fave person on here. 😛
        You can just tell me it sucks. I’ve been waiting to hear it.
        lol

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        • This is a good book. If people tell you it sucks they are just haters. Just so you know, I don’t like just any books. I’ve read a few that people have recommended and started them and didn’t get hooked and just quit. I’ve even read some that I liked the first but the second and third kind of lost my interest. What I’m trying to say is that if I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t be reading it. Believe in yourself. It is awesome. Just say thanks and don’t worry about being proud of something that you spent countless hours on to make great.

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      • So it was only after the fact that I realized I sounded like a jerk in my last comment, so I have to apologize for it. I can blame being tired on that (I don’t even want to say how tired I am right now). O.o
        Sorry!

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        • Don’t worry; you didn’t sound like a jerk. I think you are just trying to deflect praise. It’s natural to want to brace for negative feedback, but it’s okay to embrace the good too. True there will be people that don’t like it, but usually that’s just because it wasn’t something up their alley or they are just looking for the negative. No one has written the perfect book yet.
          I just really dig what you have done so far and the characters are great and the world is fantastically miserable. I can’t wait to see what great things Aster will do.

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        • Honestly, ‘fantastically miserable’ was EXACTLY what I was aiming for with the world. Well, more so just ‘miserable,’ but one can never complain about the word fantastic being used in whatever form it takes, even if it’s only adding to something negative.

          And yes, I am a praise-deflector, for sure.
          😀

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        • No more praise deflecting! Sounds like Aster. She gets mad when someone breaks her superpower of invisibility. It cracks me up when people try to tell her that she is good at something and she gets mad! Just the way she was raised though.

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        • Haha. Yeah, her and her superpower of invisibility.

          LoL. Yeah, she gets angry at some ridiculous stuff (oops, had to backspace a cussie there), and honestly is really just a very angry person in general more often than not. (I probably shouldn’t say that, if it’s not OBVIOUS, but it’s true.) It gets really fun later. haha
          I’ll admit one of my favorite things about writing books is staring at the screen and thinking, ‘……God, it SUCKS being you.’ (and you, and you, and you too.) That’s related in some way. I know it might not seem like it, but it is.
          I might be a bit evil with it. It’s questionable…

          And I’m having trouble braining at the moment, which might (partially) explain the rambling here. >.>

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        • You Devilish Evil Step Mother Book Overlord! I can’t believe how you relish in torturing you insignificant characters! 🙂 I wish I could torture mine more. Then I might actually get people to actually read my stuff, so they could feel sorry for my characters and want them to get over on their evil Overlords!

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        • Hahaha.
          That’s seriously one of the best parts of writing books in general.
          I’ll admit I didn’t have as much fun torturing Aster as I had torturing the MC in my first series. It’s just not as fun to torture a character that isn’t a complete moron. I tortured the first one intentionally. I actually made stuff with Aster not as bad as it could’ve been (during the few split-in-the-road decisions I had control over).
          Also the evil grins I had over ‘People are going to HATE me for this.’ Those are fun.
          So far that hasn’t worked out, minus one person saying they wanted to punch me in the face (I count that as a win). I’m holding out my hopes though, which is something I don’t usually do.

          Why can you not torture yours?? And who wouldn’t read your stuff?

          Sometimes being the Evil Overlord is pretty fun. XD

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        • I would love to see what your first series was about. I think my trouble with my MC is that he is constantly evolving from pretty much me to a totally different person. Also I need to do an outline or something, because even though I’ve done one complete draft, I still don’t know the direction it is supposed to be going.
          Do you have advice on how your organized your book? I think the way I’m going about it just doesn’t seem to be working.

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        • My first series was….a big mess of nonsense, to be honest.

          So your MC not being like you is a problem? Or that he’s evolving? Or do you mean that he’s not growing, but is turning into a completely different person? And is it meant to be more than one book?

          I really don’t feel like I have much control over the story aspect, only that I can make a few decisions as to which direction it’s going to go when there’s a bit of a crossroad. So I just write the first draft however it comes out. If it’s a series, I write the entire series. I learned with the first one that doing edits beforehand (with the way I write) was a bad idea, given that I don’t know what will happen.
          THEN I go back and do the first edit, which is making sure the details line up. I also do a ‘timeline’ during the first two edits to make sure everything lines up in that aspect (don’t want it to actually be ‘summer’ when it implies ‘fall’ in the book).

          I’ve tried working with outlines before and they just don’t work for me. But I wish I could do them (and stick with them), so I wouldn’t say it would be a bad idea to try that out and see if it helps!
          (Sorry for rambling forever!)

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        • You should be sorry for rambling forever. I never do that…I think I come from a different place from you. Did you always know you wanted to be a writer? I didn’t figure it out until later and it was way past the time where I could enjoy writing in high school and college. I didn’t realize I liked it until later, so I have weak foundation in grammar and spelling and sentence structure. Most of my writing influences come from movies, TV and other mediums, and recognizing themes, and patterns from shows. So I always think in terms of how it would play out in a movie, TV show or play. I hadn’t done much reading until like I said later in life. So I am still trying to figure out how books are written. I also don’t read really fast, as I prefer to only read in short chunks. (Breaks at work.) So that is why it will take me a while to read your book, (or any other for that matter) and why maybe it takes me so long to write mine. I only write in chunks (lunch), so I forget stuff, or lose the narrative or the inspiration. I think that is why I like blog posts because they are one idea, post it, done.
          Someday I will have the endurance to do it, when my kids are grown possibly or helping me write.

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        • XD

          I wouldn’t say I ALWAYS knew I wanted to be a writer, no. I had zero imagination, and I knew I wanted to write a book one day, but given the lack-of, I thought it would be something non-fiction. But no, I was never one of those people writing stories/poetry. I was always writing journal entries and things of that nature.

          Even though I’ve always ENJOYED writing, I STILL have a weak foundation in ‘proper’ ways to do things. I say technicality can only get you so far. Technicality can be worked on, but having a good ‘voice’ or just a passion for it can’t be ‘taught’. Of course I might just be saying that to make myself feel better. 😉

          You’re talking about most of your writing influences coming from movies, TV, etc. Here’s a little secret…
          I REALLY want to write screenplays one day. Like…a LOT. There’s another ‘Maybe One Day’ thing…
          I’ve only told a few people that, but I thought about it a long time ago when I realized dialogue/the basics were what I was best at (in my opinion, but I could be wrong) and enjoyed the most with writing books.

          I kind of think with how books are written…I dunno. They’re all so different. I really don’t think there’s one or two ‘right’ ways. It might be ‘right’, but I don’t think those ways are the only ways that work. I say just write what you feel is right. I should coin that phrase. I don’t know what coining a phrase actually means. Intelligence points just dropped.

          I’ve fallen ridiculously behind on actually READING books. You get kind of carried away with writing them. I’m actually trying to figure out a way to slip some reading time in every day, which is difficult when I already don’t have enough time in the day!
          I can imagine it would be REALLY difficult to write in little chunks like that. I’ve got to give you props for being able to manage it at all. Do you carry a notebook to work with you and whatnot, so you can jot down ideas when they strike you?
          I will cross my fingers for you to get it all done one day. 🙂

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        • All I know is that I really hated English and writing papers when I was in college and it wasn’t until about 10 years later when I was in church and the lesson was about a prophet that struggled with writing. He determined that he was going to get better at it. So he kept doing it so much that he became really good at it. It was then that I decided that I needed to write more. So I started just writing a journal, then eventually I decided I wanted to write a book, but it took a few years to decide what it would be about.
          Long story long, I still love writing and whether it is a book, blog or journal, I just love it.
          I’ve always thought it would be awesome to be either be a screenwriter or writer for a video games. I thought it would be awesome to have a partner to write with too. My best friend from college would be great, but he lives so far away. It would be fun to have someone to bounce ideas off of and write movies and TV scripts.

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        • My problem with writing papers in school was that I’ve always HATED being forced to write about specific things. HATE it. How are you supposed to write well with those sorts of limitations?

          Honestly, I think that’s the only way to really get better at it – just do it. 🙂

          AHHHH Another one of my dreams is to write a book with one of my friends. One of my best friends happens to be an AMAZING writer, but I doubt that will ever happen. I have talked about it with another best friend, but I doubt it will happen. It really does seem impossible to do unless you live close to one another. And yes, I absolutely love the bouncing-ideas concept. I think it could make for something spectacular.
          I’m going to be holding out the screenplay dream for a while. Maybe eventually!

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        • You would be a pretty dang good screenplayist. I will definitely be looking for your name on the poster when that happens and I will bragging that I knew you when you were just a NY Times best selling author.

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        • LOL. Thank you for that. I don’t know if you’re joking, but I’m going to take it as a really awesome compliment regardless.

          One can dream…

          But wasn’t I talking earlier about being realistic?

          I get so torn…

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  5. I usually laugh in sort of a snort kind of way reading your blogs, but this one about, particularly the thing about D & M being married….well now I”m hyperventilating. And love your producer. It’s nice to know even a bitter guy like you has some sort of life.

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  6. Good to know Jessica and Nick aren’t married, Julia Roberts is married, Donny and Marie aren’t married, Julia Roberts is married.. and KK lost an earring. I rely on your blog for the latest in celebrity news.

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  10. Used to get similar Xmas shows on UK TV in days gone by – the magic disappeared when I found out those scenes of sitting by a roaring fire with a Xmas tree in the corner and singing festive songs were pre-recorded back in Sep/Oct

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  15. I totally wish you would bring back this genre and I’m not even being sarcastic and bitchy, even though I just read over 1000 words. Ugh Kristen Stewart. I’m on record as saying Twilight is gay. Not homosexual gay. Just gay. And Julia Moder should take her husband’s last name, as is the natural order of things. Granted, she stole him from another woman (Leann Rimes much?), but enough time has passed where she can take his name and consequently not sound related to her brother, Eric, whom she despises for his superior acting abilities. And if Jessica and Nick can’t make it work, what do the unbeautiful rest of us have to hope for?

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  18. I call dibs on bringing the mistleno! Can we also spend approximately four hours watching It’s a Bitterful Life, where at the end, it’s revealed that every time a bell isn’t ringing an angel hasn’t earned its wings?

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    • It’s a Bitterful life is one of my favorites. It basically ends right after the angel dude shows him how miserable the town would have been without him. No angels get wings, he jumps off the bridge, etc.

      I’ll bring the egg no.

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