When I am asked to give a speech at seminars, usually as the Principal of the B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness, I don’t prepare. A long time ago, I would pore over notes, walk around talking to myself and even have dillusions of more than my parents clapping at a rousing speech that I would give. Then I woke up in the middle of speech class. The more prepared I was, the worse the speech. So I scaled back to just going over a bullet points. That didn’t work either, so now, I don’t prepare at all, and I still fail, but at least I don’t have to do all the boring prep work. For all of those last minute people(in gift giving) like me, there is no hope for you. Your gift will be terrible and your friend/family member will hate your gift. But now, at least you have a gift for them to hate because I have started my own toy company Bitter Dreams Toy Company. Here are some of the toys you will be seeing in the upcoming Bitter Dreams Toy Company (or BDTC for inconvience) catalog that I will not be making (These all work best when given to people you don’t like).
Toys for the detailed: The detailed person in your life is one that has a plan, executes and completes before they are able to move on. They are the ones that start Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit and won’t let anyone leave until the games are finished. Heck, they won’t even let your kids leave until they finish Candy Land. For that type of person in your life, I recommend our very special 10,000 piece puzzle. Or should I say our 9,998 piece puzzle. This will have your family member searching the entire house looking for a tiny piece of a puzzle that will never be found. Because it was never made. Also, for the detailed child line we recommend the Lego 2 missing piece sets, for the detailed father, the 398 piece tool sets for dad(always the missing wrench he needs), and the two missing button coats for mom. These are perfect bitter gift for the person that has to have perfect.
Toys for the Technology Guru: You know the ones that have to have the latest gadgets? The son that is never paying attention to the family because he is wasting his time typing up his latest 50 page essay, or doing his calculus homework so he can “go to college”. The daughter that is always on his phone chatting with her friends telling them that she can’t go out with them because he has to “study”? Well for these kid, that will turn out to be nothing but useless world renown scientist that just discover the next element on the periodical table and alway makes time to disappoint his parents by making it home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, there is the Bitter Dreams Toy Company technology line. We have computers that make it difficult to boot up, that have the spinning color wheel (you Mac people know what I’m talking about), that go just long enough to where they want to restart, but right before that. We custom tailor our computers to the users dispreferences. They work just well enough to make the owner need to keep it, but annoying enough that they will constantly want to take them back. Even if our customized computers get them past the breaking point, our return policy will be there to drive them even more crazy. We also specialize in televisions that have a few broken pixels that drive them just crazy enough to want to take back, but not enough to warrant a return.
Toys for fancy: Do you have a special lady on your list who just has to have the latest fashions? That would die if they went to a party without looking their absolute finest? Have we got a clothing/accessory/makeup line for you. This line of clothes is built to please even the most picky lady in your life…for about an hour after they leave the house. The handmade stitching on the clothes, the accessories that shine like pure gold, the make up that goes on flawlessly will dimish as soon as the spotlight is on your beloved lady. Then the hair and makeup will fade, the shiny accesories will start turning black and stitches will start coming undone, making your beloved lady just so bitter about the whole outfit. When she turns on you, just mention how great she looked when you left and leave quickly. Her bitterness will shine like her once glowing face and like her once sparkling jewelry.
Toys with big bows: You know the type of toy I’m talking about. The one toy you can get for the person that has everything. The one that has a collection of them in his 15 car garage, but just one more will make the collection complete. The one that has commercials with catchy phrases like December to Remember. With Bitter Dreams Toy Company, it will be a December to Remember but it will be a February to Forget. Small problems will crop up, but not ones that will make them angry, just bitter. First it will be the heated seat in the passanger side. Then, the heated mirror will only work intermittenly, then the breaks will start squeaking just slightly every 3 days. Then just before the warranty is up, all of them start acting up. Of course, everything is specifically designed to be just above lemon specs and as an added bonus, when shown to a mechanic, everything will work just as smooth as the ice in December. It will icean the heart of even the warmest individual.
These are just a few of the thousands of bitter products that are available for just above your price range. Because you are like me, I know that you will pay the requisite 20% mark up, because you are desperate to show your loved ones just how bitter you are about them. From Bitter Dreams Toy Company, I wish you nothing but the Bitterest of Holidays and thanks for making me rich so I can be a Bitter Rich Old Man (like Scrooge).
Aaaaarrrrrrgggghhhh
Bitter Scrouge Ben
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Perfect! Now I am ready for Black Friday! I want to get myself one of the 9,998 piece puzzles – I love a challenge! 🙂 I hope you have a bitter day tomorrow with your family. 🙂
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Trust me I will have a bitter day yesterday and will send you one of those puzzles.
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I’ll take one of each from your catalog. Perfect for my company’s White Elephant exchange, of which I am SO looking forward to…..
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They are backordered right now(what else would you expect from a bitter toy company), but feel free to send me the money anyways.
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Better yet send me your back ordered list. Perfect gift for all those I don’t care about.
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The list is backordered too. I’ll send that on Dec. 26th.
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LOL !!!
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Nobody does bitter better, Ben.
Well done!
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It been 40 years in the making.
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Its great when you can channel your personality into a kick-ass blog, isn’t it?
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It’s what I’m good at, so you know it works.
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What a handy guide. Now I know I don’t have to be alone in my holiday bitterness. I’ll take all of the toys for the detailed. Thank you very much.
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That will be a million dollars. I will have them packaged right in time for the holidays for the year 2056…If I am still alive.
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Great. I will get my elves to go money picking on my money tree. If I can be bothered to call them. Or find them. Or get out of bed.
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Sounds like you are trying to out laze me. It’s good to have a dream.
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Not to be negative or anything, but I’m sure you know these products already exist. However, I do think you could make them more exclusive by raising the price 20%-30% and advertising only in exclusive magazines.
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They do exist and for that reason I am bitter. But giving them the Bitter Dreams logo would make them seem like they are completely different.
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Super! I would like to order a fancy dress. I like surprises!
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Just make sure you go to a fancy party when you wear it.
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As usual, you’ve given me a new favorite non-word (Man, am I happy to see other people coming up with them . . .).
Dispreferences. FANTASTIC.
Also, that puzzle thing? I would PROBABLY have a miniature freak-out over that . . .
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I see the puzzle would be a best seller amongst people who want to annoy puzzle put togetherer’s.
I also came up with the dillusions word at the last minute. It is so much fun to mess with people thinking that maybe it is a word or isn’t.
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Yes, that would definitely be a good one.
And I DID catch dillusions up there. I guess I’m more open about my non-words being non-words, but I can see how that would be fun. XD
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I can’t wait to hear your made up words. They are the best!
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I actually have at least two that come to mind from the series. My editor tried to take one out in the first book, but…that didn’t happen. 😉
And there’s nothing in the world that could get me to take out the one in the last book…
That might be bad of me, but I don’t care. Made up words really are the best. I love them.
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You should especially get to use them because it is a fantasy book. Maybe the people in your world use them. How would your editor know?
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That is a VERY valid point. 🙂
I made up all sorts of words in the trilogy I wrote over the summer…It makes me love fantasy. Well, one of many things.
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Fantasy is fantastic. I love the whole creating stuff instead of just observing what is already their. Making up your own rules and the best part is learning more about yourself by what you write.
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I beat my nephew at Battleship by completely misunderstanding the rules and, when all my ships kept falling off the top board onto the bottom board, became bitter when he gave me a ‘look’ so I kicked the game over. Since I had to stand on the table to do it, now everyone is convinced I’m a bad loser. I think I’m a good loser because I went to the trouble to climb on the table….best bitter gift? He’s getting Chamomile tea for Christmas. We’ll all laugh about it someday.
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Clearly that game comes from the Bitter Dreams catalog of games that frustrate and annoy. It is meant to make tables flip over.
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Just too funny. I’m bitter with envy at your ability to make others laugh themselves to bitterness. I’m so bitter that my computer is so slow. Especially so because of Mother Nature’s bitterness here in Myrtle Beach, SC, today. She’s blowing up a storm and raining tears of bitterness. I saved the computer photo to send it to my kind 73-year-old mother who’s recently bought a computer and trying to learn the basics so she can join the bitter people, like me, on Facebook. She’ll be bitter because of the inexpensive handmade gift I’m giving her for Christmas, and I won’t tell her know that I’m bitter because I’m flying there and I don’t care for flying, largely due to bitter flight attendants who don’t live up to images portrayed in TV advertising. I could go on all day with this bitterness, Ben, but I most sincerely wish that you have a bitter Thanksgiving so I won’t be bitter alone. Try to find peace, my friend, and don’t be bitter because I suggested that you should “try.”
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Don’t envy my bitter life. It is a bitter time that no one should have to go through.
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The pictures you find crack me up every time!! Toys for the Detailed picture is like a scary version of where’s waldo.
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Are you talking about the picture of the computer crash? I found an even better scary version of Waldo than that.
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Bitter gifts are when someone buys you ‘anything’ just to get it over with and it gets stored in a closet as useless or even more bitter ‘regifted’.
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But regifting is a great pasttime of mine. I’m always encouraging my with to do so.
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How did I know that?
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It’s how bitter people deal with getting gifts they don’t want.
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lolol, you crack me up! Happy Thanksgiving!
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And a bitter Thanksgiving to you.
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😦 or rather, 🙂
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Bitterly Beautiful But Bitterly Bitterly.
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No butter with your bitter?
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better not butter with the bitter. Buns yes
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Buns with butter sound better than bitter.
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but butter’s better in basic bitter batter
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I think you with this bitter battle.
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🙂
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I’m staring bitterly at my color wheel right now. Thanks Ben.
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That stupid color wheel makes me so bitter.
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I know, I hate the friggin’ thing!
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When I see it too much, it means “Time to buy a new computer!” and I start passive aggressively telling me wife I need a new computer.
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Bitter Dreams Toy Company, do you make a jack in the box where jack never comes out? I know just the annoying kid to give it too *rubs palms together supervillian style*
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Oooh. Who is this little kid and how can I help him be more bitter about Christmas? How does he feel about Santa?
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i wonder why they call them bullet points …and, you don’t pore over notes now, just a long time ago?
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I pore mostly over my pore that look really poor.
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i’m so poured out of poreing hawaiian punch on my computer i don’t understand english
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Por que?
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por que not?
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Pork que pig?
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LOL pork que pig hahahhaha
pork que no que
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Why pig why?
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warum pig warum auf deutsch….i can’t move either…came in here 3 hours ago for a minute
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Is that pig latin? I want a language named after me.
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german ermanga..
itter ben anguage la…oin ga oo ta ush bra y ma eeth ta… i don’t think pig latin was meant to be written
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I need my own bitter language.
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you make english a bitter language but you are right; you should have 2 bitter languages…bitter pun language
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I think the real sabotage would be giving someone Monopoly with only the bad properties you try to avoid like Baltic Avenue. Also, there would be no passing Go and collecting $200. Monopoly should be more challenging for these detailed people.
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I like where you are going with that. Slip in some rule that basically the game never ends.
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…Does it end now?
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Not of the detailed, just for the rest of the people that hate playing Monopoly.
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I am obsessed with Monopoly and I love Baltic Avenue. It is my secret weapon…
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