Bitter Things that Won’t Go Away

/ bensbitterblog

No Yams for me this year suckers!

Thanksgiving time is upon us, which means that most people will either take advantage of other people’s hospitality and eat their food, take up space on their couch and leave way later than they should have leaving nothing but turkey bones and leftover scents(not the potporri variety) or they will have to host someone who does the same.  Then a small amount of people like me will just go to the local McDonald’s because they have a bitter tasting McChicken for $.99 and what could beat that?  Regardless, most people will either have someone that won’t go away or be the someone that won’t go away.  So this post is a small fraction of Bitter Stuff that won’t go away.

Can’t we just put them all on the same deserted island?

Justin Beaver, Lady Gagme and Miley Virus – Do you think people just walk into their local Itunes Store and accidentally purchase their albums, and don’t realize it until it is too late and can’t return their MP3’s?  I know these idiots get off on people paying negative attention to them, but I can’t not say bitter things about them anymore.  Can any of them sing any better than a karaoke singer at a work Christmas party?  Can none of these idiots get one of their four assistants, limo drivers or accountants to a mall to purchase some clothes?  Last time I checked they all have enough money. At just one of my local malls there are at least 3 Forever 21’s.  I know clothes are uncomfortable and all but if I have to wear ones that cover me up at work shouldn’t they have to? Perhaps they would change their minds if they had an outdoor concert in North Dakota in January.

Hurry dude! I've got important sweatpants to jump into!

Hurry dude! I’ve got important sweatpants to jump into!

That guy in front of me with his blinker on: Me screaming at the mid level of my lungs to myself: “Come on, dude!  Either turn right, or turn that thing off! I’m in in a hurry to get home, pull my work clothes off like Austin Powers of the movie Austin Powers and leap into my semi-permeable spot on the sofa! I got things to do!”

 

Black and white photography – People of Instragram, I have an announcement to make! The world is in color now.  I know some people want to pretend like they lived in my parents era (the 60’s or something) when there were only three colors on the earth, but we have like a billion now.  Can we at least use 3 or 4 then that aren’t black, white or gray in your photos?  I promise I won’t comment about how your pores need closing or your nose hairs haven’t been cut in 2 years, if you promise to just use colors.  I’m just worried I might be color blind!

Bring it on, earth!

Bring it on, earth!

Global warming – Okay we get it, earth!  We cut down some of your trees to make houses.  We’re sorry we needed somewhere to live.  You don’t have to be so passive aggressive in your revenge by warming the earth up and causing catastrophies.  I thought you were above revenge.  I promise next time I’ll put my piece of useless work paper in the recycle instead of the garbage.  Just stop.  We get that you are a vengeful earth, but I am too.  They don’t call me Revengerman for nothing.  If you don’t stop causing catastrophies across the globe, I’m going to dig to the center of your core and rip it out.  You think you’re all warm now.  Just wait until your molten core is no more.  You will want to be so close to the sun that your continents will be sweating oceans.  By the way, if it is called warming how come it still rains in Seattle almost every freaking day? Could we at least get some warm rain like in Hawaii?

425 degrees of bitterness.

425 degrees of bitterness.

Take and Bake Pizza – So, to Papa Murphy’s and all your other lazy competition.  Really?  All you are going to do is make the ingredients?  You’re not going to even bake it?  Or deliver it?  Why not take it one step further and just come to my house, pull a gun on me and make me grow my own tomatoes, cut my own wheat, make me put some pep in my erroni and curdle my own cheese from the cow out back and still charge me for delivery and a tip? Oh and while you are at it, could you also make me eat onions and pickles that I hate on there too?

Actually kind of funny.

Actually kind of funny.

Curling – Canada. I ‘ve given you a break long enough. But man,  the other day I was so lazy, that when the channel accidently switched to NBC Sports and there was curling on, I couldn’t muster up the strength to change it.  Then I saw a dude with a look so serious on his face that he looked like he was performing surgery on the President of the United States and if he didn’t do it right, the President would hit the button if he didn’t do everything exactly right, roll an overgrown hockey puck with a handle on it.  Then, two grown men with brooms furiously swept ice out of the way of the puck, like two frat guys cleaning their room before a date with the Princess of Switzerland, just so the puck could hit another puck out of the way.  As far as I could tell, it didn’t even matter until the last puck anyways, so why did they bother?  I guess to make me laugh at grown men furiously sweeping.  Actually, now that I think of it, you can stay curling.  Laughing at you could be permanent entertainment for me.

Passive aggressive wins.

Passive aggressive wins.

Aggressive Aggressiveness – Aggressive Aggressives are like a story my mom used to read to me when I was young.  The sun and wind had a bet to see who could get a human person’s jacket off.  The wind (Aggressive Aggressives) went first, confident that he could blow so hard that persons jacket would fly right off.  So he blew as hard as he could, but the person was cold so he tightened the jacket even more.  Then it was the sun’s(passive aggressives) turn and all he had to do was shine.  It got hotter and hotter and all of a sudden, the person voluntarily took his jacket off because it was so hot.  Passive Aggressives have so much more fun, because we get results in a way that you think it was your idea that you took your jacket off, even though we were the ones that maniuplated you into doing it.   In other words, we back hand you in the face and you thank us for it.

They attract us with cheese..y rides and attractions.

They attract us with cheese..y rides and attractions.

Mikey Mouse/Disney – Dude is everywhere.  And by dude, I mean a freaking mouse.  Does everyone remember what mice are?  Those things that burrow holes in our wood, chew up our socks and spread disease.  Or is that just me?  In case you haven’t noticed this mouse very subtlely or not so subtly stolen(they would say purchased) two huge companies/franchises(Marvel and Star Wars) that people had previously liked and are going to find a way to screw up.  On top of that, they also rob dads and moms blind every time they get anywhere near one of their parks, beginning with the parking.  Happiest Place on Earth?  How about Happiest Place on Mars, so I don’t ever have to deal with them anymore.

Heartburn – I have it right now and I’m tired of it.  I get that it comes when I eat Pepperoni Pizza.  But does it have to show up even when I’m drinking water?  Goodness sake, heartburn, just go away and bother someone else.

Nope.

No more.

Gas Prices –  I’m not talking about going down, I mean go away period.  If they keep charging for gas, I’m going to need to have someone invent a power within humans that allows them to hold their hands up toward the sun like freaking Superman and make it turbo charge my car, my phone and lights.  The gas cartels can come at me all they want, I will have Superman Turbo charge power.  If someone doesn’t invent this thing, I’m going to.  But if I invent it, I’m not sharing with humanity. I’m keeping that crap to myself.  So get on it scientists or inventers.  Because gas prices are going away soon for me, whether you like it or not.  Besides gas smells really…gassy.

Luckily for humanity, I am having a McChicken Sandwich for Thanksgiving, so I won’t be showing up to ruin any of your Thanksgivings.  But I am glad that I was able to ruin your morning blog reads with a whole megaton of Metaphorical Turkeys in your morning oatmeal.  Have a bitter morning and Thankgiving, because you won’t be seeing me for another whole day, where I will barrage you with Bitter Friday Pictures in some manner or another.

So, I know that I have many more things that need to go away. What about you?  What bitter things in your life need to go away?

Arrrrrrgggggghhhhh

Bitter Go Away Ben

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119 thoughts on “Bitter Things that Won’t Go Away”

  1. Pingback: In case you missed it…This will help you forget | Ben's Bitter Blog

  3. Papa Murphy’s can suck it. They are located adjacent to our grocery store, which has an entire freezer full of pizza two dollars cheaper than PM’s, which I also can just take home and bake. (If there weren’t a Domino’s on the way home full of hot, real pizza.) Maybe I should just open a store w/ bread and meat and lettuce and throw it in a bag and let them “take and make” their own sandwich at home like a peon. BTW, I was just at said grocery store and as I left, it started pouring rain, and sweet Yeezus, it is COLD out there! Like the heat hasn’t stopped running all day. Is that what Seattle feels like? It doesn’t make one want to venture out.

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  5. This “take and bake” thing is so bizarre to me. My brother lived in Oregon and he was always boasting to me about these places. I’m like, ummm….sorry but here in Maine we’re much too lazy to bake our own freaking pizza. Crazy Northwesterners….

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    • Yeah, we Northwesterners are crazy, though I don’t claim to be one of them. I just live here. They pass every tax, hug every tree and make sure that 15% of every construction dollar goes toward something artsy. I keep thinking maybe my blog would be considered “artsy”.

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  6. Downton Abbey reruns, the Tea Party (no wait, maybe it’s better they stay and screw up the Republicans,) the Seattle viaduct (sooner the better,) those big-eyed cartoon figures that pollute the blogosphere, Dale Chilhuly, Dale Chilhuly…

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  13. One thing (among many) that needs to go away is reverse-chronologically sorted comments. Reading an article from top to bottom (as it should be), then having the top comment be the most recent one is like walking into a room in the middle of a conversation. It messes with my head, man.

    I suppose it would be ok to have the option to sort from oldest to newest or vice-versa. I mean, I don’t want to be draconian about it.

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  21. I actually tried curling once when I was in Canada–it was the most bitter playing a “sport” that I’ve ever been, and I’ve played soccer, basketball, lacrosse, hockey, volleyball, kickball, and softball.

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