As I stated here last week, I was banned from work off on vacation last week. As part of my vacation, I had to perform community service by spending time with and answering the demands of the squatters in our house. Some of the demands they required were driving them to school, doing homework with them and going to the movies and pretending to like watching Thor(I managed to push my way through this). For some reason, regardless of how bitter I get these “little people” claim to “like me” and want to “hang out” with me. After their school was over one day, it was decided that we take these “plasma cars”(little demon cycles) and go to our church gym so they could ride them on a nice flat surface. Since they would be distracted for a while, I was finally free to shoot something (hoops). I was bitterly hoisting up miss after miss, wondering when my terrible shot had gotten even worse, when these munchkins came over and asked me to push them. Just so I could get them off my side of the court, I pushed them (out of my way). Of course, when one saw me pushing, the other wanted a push and then the “plasma cycle” began.
After two exhausting hours (or two minutes, I can’t remember), we finally, mercifully got to leave and go home. Finally able to lay on the couch and avoid doing anything, I realized that my arms were sore, my back was tight, my knees were buckling and I was breathing even more heavily than I normally do. A realization popped into my head. I had just been tricked into doing something that people call “exercise”.
After realizing that this “exercise” was clearly not good for me, I ate some candy that was good for me, and decided to come up with my own exercise that is actually useful.
Blog fingers – If I ever hoped to achieve my dream of becoming a bitter failure at blogging, I would need to be able to have strong fingers. In order to strenghen my fingers, I will ball my hands up into fists back and forth in order to ease the pain of the carpal tunnel I get from playing video games typing all day at work. This allows my hands to become strong so I can grip shoulders a little too hard, as a reminder that these my blog people better get back to work typing my latest post.
Neck Twists – While watching television is just a hobby for some, or a way for others to unwind from a rough day at work, television marathoners(telemarathoners for short) like myself need to endure many hours of heavy sitting, laying down and shifting slightly. While casual televisioners don’t worry about such things because they are doing heavy exercising like moving from the living room to dining room or bedroom to bathroom, we television marathoners are doing it all from one spot. It requires a lifetime of practice and is only for the serious couch marathoner. What casual televisioners don’t realize is the preperation needed. If you want to be a marathon televisioner you need a blanket, the home phone, cell phone, all the remotes, a computer, and a mini fridge nearby with all your snacks and cool drinks. With all these items to juggle, your neck will be craning from side to side. A strong neck will come in handy when you are falling asleep while sitting up. It is also needed to ignore phone calls, flip from side to side to get comfortable or to tell one of your kids to get the door to tell the magazine salesman that their dad is busying marathoning.
Eye lifts – While most marathoners neglect the eyes, they are an essential part of the experience. You would be surprised how often they are used as a part of a 10-15 hour session. They are needed to follow the action of reality stars talking about innane subjects. They are needed to find where the fifth remote control got wedged inside your couch cushion. They are needed to look at the back of your eyelids for the 15 minute snoozer between hour 6 and hour 7 of the food truck marathon. They are essential for just about every task of the marathoners regiment and yet so many neglect exercising them. If you don’t work them enough, you may be forced to leave your marathon cave in order to view the bright orb of light outside your house. That bright light is harmful to your eyes, as opposed to the soothing, less harsh artificial light that calms you into your ubiquitous slumbers.
Though there are many other exercises that I can share with the aspiring telemarathoner in their quest of total laziness, I don’t have all the time in the world. I’m busy at work preparing for my marathon tonight. If you are serious about becoming the next great telemarathoner, there is hope. Send me all your money and I will be glad to share some of my favorite techniques. When I feel like it. Just don’t interrupt me between 8 am and midnight. Or between midnight and 8 am. I have to sleep sometime.
Arrrgggghhhhh
Bitter Telemarathoner Ben
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These squatter seems to be all over the world the same! I’ve never seen a plasma dingus. But anyway – As I can read here it’s only halfway fitting to get rid of housemates…
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If they would just, you know take care of themselves and get their own jobs, then we wouldn’t have to take care of them so much.
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Sounds like you should never take a vacation again. It is too much work and people actually count on you at home. I bet you felt better once you went back to work. Less physically tiring. 🙂
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Sounds like I should avoid work in any venue.
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I’m interested to hear how you will eventually rid yourself of the “squatters” that occupy your house. I have some of those too. Very demanding for little people who don’t pay the mortgage! Jeez! I love your post. I can’t wait to read more. Laughing silently from behind a client’s cubicle is always fun…Thanks also for the like on my post too!
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Unfortunately, it looks like I am going to have to deal with the squatters for another 14 years. It is a problem, but maybe eventually someday they will pay me back by getting an NBA contract and making their first purchase a house that I can “squat” in.
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Nice strategy! I’…think on that awhile
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You know laying on the couch getting your kid to go to the NBA will just go to plan right?
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Well, based on your own self admittance that your shooting ability is less than stellar perhaps the better role is mascot? Unless of course the squatters were left behind by the prior residents. The NBA stadiums do need concessioners though. Free snacks then… Not a bad trade off
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Luckily my kids are nothing like me and the boy is quite an athlete at the age of 6, which means I am already too late to get him going on the NBA, but my hopes are always there.
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Yet another bitter pill! Sigh!
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HA! I love exercising, I don’t think you would enjoy hanging out in my daily life.
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I get exhausted just typing my blog. I don’t know how I would keep up with your life of execise.
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So, that whole running-a-half-marathon thing I did was a total waste of time. Apparently this is where the real talent is. That makes me a little bitter.
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The whole running a half marathon thing you did was a waste of time, yes. Join the lazy revolution and sit on the couch and fail like the rest of us!
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There’s more bacon and pizza involved in the telemarathoning movement. I’m in.
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It told you laying on the couch not running is a better option.
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Oh wow! That’s my exercise for the year done and dusted. Thank you Bitter Ben. I feel so pumped up!
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I guess I will have to get my team of Demotivational speakers to your exercise sight as getting pumped up is not acceptable when exercising.
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Yes. Send help
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Help is on its way…someday.
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I LOVE those plasma scooters. Have you tried riding them yourself? I assure you, it is fun. Bitter fun. 🙂
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I actually tried to ride one of the ones that I was pushing around and my knees were in the way of my eyes. My knees are bad enough, but that just made them worse.
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Do you watch sports? You need to be able to throw something at the refs, umps, etc. Probably need to add another exercise. Sorry.
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There are plenty of exercises I missed. I am too lazy to list all of them.
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Hilarious – as usual!
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Mostly bitter though.
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You might want to add in eye-rolls or teeth sucks so that you can better show your utter disgust with what transpires around you….
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I forgot about eyes rolls and how much work they are. But they are necessary for all my co-workers.
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Oh snorts! I agree with you blog 100%. Blogging is a form of exercise.. for all over my friend. Fingers, arms, brain and even the bum. The bum falls asleep and you have to wake it up by walking thus exercise. And heck enough people jump to conclusions at work thus exercising – why should we have to expend our muscles? snorts. XOXO – Bacon
Campaign No Exercise –
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It surely makes my hands tired so I make sure I take frequent breaks from my blog typers, though they don’t get any breaks.
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exercise is good..mentally and physically
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It is bad because you get tired too quickly. And mentally, well it hurts my brain to think about.
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hee hee
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The shoulder Vulcan grip — pictured you like Spock.
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I had a very bitter grimace on my face, so my blog poster guys got on it quickly.
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One exercise I really love is called deep breathing. I sit still and really focus on expanding my lungs and “engaging my core and obliques.” (I have no idea what that entails, but I hear it a lot).
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As long as you can do it while closing your eyes, I’m down.
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I have one called deep-frying, it entails a little bit of extra effort, but it’s totally worth it, and you even add food to it, which is the best part!
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That exercise is worth it. Lifting my fork full of food to my mouth.
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