According to the website Mathisfun.com(Mathis might be fun, but math is nothing but pure bitterness), the geometric definition of a line is three things. 1: It has no thickness, 2. It is straight (has no curves) and C. It extends in both directions (it has no end). I happen to believe that some lines are those things but some are not.
This line had no end. In 2005, with a combination of lottery-like luck and the skills it takes to break into Fort Knox, the White House or the headquarters at Google, I managed to secure three vacation days off before Thanksgiving. This 1 in a billion (or 9) chance only comes along as often as Hayley’s Comet, so I jumped at the chance of doing nothing for 9 days straight. My plan was soon thwarted by the realization that the XBox 360 was launching that week. I hadn’t paid much attention to it, because I wasn’t going to get one and I hadn’t planned to be home when it did. But then I heard that people were going to buy it at the regular price and resell it on Ebay for a lot more money. Since there are tons of suckers out there on Ebay, I hatched a plan to wait in line at Fry’s Electronics for their midnight launch that started at 7am. I didn’t know that this was the line for people that pre-ordered it, until I sat/stood for several hours out in the cold with only my pants, sandals and warm baseball hat(I also had a shirt, I guess. And maybe a coat. But no gloves.) Of course, I assumed there was one extra just for me. Because you know what assuming does. (Always gets you just what you assumed.) Little did they know that I would get revenge by writing a scathing blog post about them 8 years later.
Everyone in this line is Thick. Another year later, I was given the task of going to a store called Sports Authority. My assignment was to locate the super popular, yet highly discounted razor scooter. I was naive enough to believe that once the store opened, I would be able to waltz right inside, grab the scooter that was almost as popular as pet rocks and doing dishes, and cha cha my way to the register. But I was told by someone much wiser than I (my wife of course) to cut a straight swath between anything that was in my way and retrieve the scooter for some random person that I didn’t know(my nephew). I decided to go around the moving chainsaw display and boy did I pay the price for that. When I got to the scooter display, there was a boxing/wrestling/gladiator face off between two, shall we say, overeager shoppers, that made the War of 1812 seem like a war(you know just what it seemed). While the two person mob was deciding why they would get the lamest gift in the tri-state area, I slipped out of there non confrontational Bitter Ben style and didn’t make eye contact with anyone for three days, just in case those terrifying She-Demons happened to look at me and make my face turn to dust. Of course, it was all worth it to not hear a thing from the nephew that we gave and I quote,(myself)”the lamest gift of his life”.
The line to this place wasn’t straight(lots of curves). The worst one of all was the time the other day when I given the task of getting food for my family. I trudged out to the horse that was running empty on grass, and rode my horse to the feeding station, and I had to wait in line for two horses to get fueled up. The trail was filled with many obstacles like other horses dung, confusing trail posts (25 miles per day speed limit, others said 30) and some teen horse riders were trying to text on their soup cans connected with string while horse riding. I kept hoping the sheriff would pull them over since they were “horsing impaired”, but to no avail. I finally got to Old MacDonald’s Farm of Beef and Potato Cut Up Into String Things then Deep Fried and Salt Added but there was another line in the horse drive trough.
As you know, math isn’t fun and never will be. And up until this post, I’ve never learned anything from it. But today, I’ve learned that math is wrong. Lines aren’t always straight, they are sometimes thick and they do in fact go forever. And I also found out one more more mathematical fact. X + Y = Bitter.
Aaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhh
Bitter Line Ben
Related articles
- Bitter Vacation Friday Pictures (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- If you missed bitterness this week, your aim was a little off (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
One of the best parts of working of working the holidays is watching two people argue over whether 2 for $6 at 7 oz. is a better deal than 3 for $7 at 8 oz. while an irritated mob tries to get around them to shop.
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It is a bitter entertainment for people that have to work.
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I do believe I can be quoted as saying “F$%^k Math” rather recently myself. People who study math on purpose are a different breed of cat. Its like they’re from Narnia if Narnia was boring, repetitive and made your brain hurt.
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If it wasn’t for math then accounting, finance and economics wouldn’t exist and we wouldn’t have to worry about money or adding.
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Using mathematical equations to prove that math is rubbish = 10 billion billion points! You can redeem it at the “I’m a legend” counter.
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Hi. I would like to redeem my legendary points for a new Xbox. Is those available?
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I’m sure there’s an Xbox made of gold in the “I am a legend” store!
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Please send that one to me please. Make sure it gets lost in the mail though please so I can be bitter about it.
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I will put in a word with them for sure!
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I can’t wait….to be bitterly disappointed.
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Lol, maybe you could let us know how bitter you become by standing in a Black Friday line? lol
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That one about the scooter was the last Black Friday I ever attempted. That is the last you will ever see me out there.
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lolol
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People at Black Friday sales bitterrify me.
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I just flashed back to HS algebra class. I hated algebra. Thanks for that.
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It is what I do making people bitter about just about anything.
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The only thing worse than waiting in line, is math. Math is just… no. It’s just a big no.
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Math is as dangerous as meth in my book. I avoid both like the plague.
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omg. one of us needs to do a post comparing the two…
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I have to say that I don’t know much about meth. Or math. I think you’ll have to do it.
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You are so right about all those things! Don’t tell anyone, but I like to line dance : )
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I’m really sorry to hear that. The fact that it involves country music makes me the most bitter.
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Are you off again this week to get the PS4 tomorrow? Or is that just a bitter irony?
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I am not getting the PS4, but that reminded me of the Xbox one coming out in two weeks and ditching work to get it.
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“Mathis may be fun…” Hilarious
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You must be as big a fan of math as I am. Meaning not at all.
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