This last Friday, I was celebrating yet another terrible week of work, (156 weeks and counting) by ordering a Pizza Hut Pizza(156 weeks and counting). This is always a way for me to not only mark the last day of the week before I don’t have to do it anymore(for two days), but it is a meal, which I have to have in order to survive until next week. It is also a good way for me to gain something. Cholesterol, fat, and stuffed cheese arteries. This week was particularly disappointing. I emailed my order of the new 3 Cheese Stuffed Pizza so I could stuff my arteries 3 times faster. Because I ordered it at 8 am, I had to wait until they opened at 11 am like usual and avoiding work wasn’t passing the time fast enough. Finally, I stood up to take a stretch, and there was the black shirt and black baseball hat of the Pizza Hut Delivery guy. The new crust smelled cheesier than all of my posts. Unfortunately, my sniffer was really bad because the Pizza Hut guy informed me that it was just the regular stuffed crust pizza, because their store never ordered it. Not only that, but the crust was burnt.
For the first time since moments before this happened, I was bitterly disappointed. Since I am such an expert in bitter disappointment, I have decided to give you a few ways where you can bitterly disappoint people you know or get bitterly disappointed yourself.
1. Tell everyone you know, either by paging, your rotary phone, telegraph, morse code or through your computer using AOL, MySpace, Netscape Navigator, or using your Zune that you are going to enter the NBA Draft. Tell them that you will reimburse them their airline tickets, hotel, food and gambling expenses as soon as you get your first paycheck for playing for the eventual champions. Don’t get drafted.
2. With your attractive face, charming personality and unending wit, talk to an attractive equal of the opposite sex. Charm the heck out of them and then ask them for a date. Call them later in the week, firm up plans, talk about how much fun you are going to have, and show up looking just as attractive, witty, and charming. Make it through the date, and several more, get married….and thennn act like yourself.
3. Go to school. Then go again. And again. Take math classes. Fail. Do just enough to get a D in math. Do just enough to get a D in Biology. Barely pass High School. Get into an exclusive Community College. Barely pass math again. Barely pass Biology again. Get a degree. Do a half jump at your graduation when you realize that you don’t have a job. Get a job that has great co-workers, is a whole lot of fun, but doesn’t pay even one of your bills. Or get a job that pays some of your bills(except any of your student loans), but has terrible co-workers and no fulfillment. Work at one of the those places for 35 years. Order pizza every week with only 1 cheese in the crust that is burnt.
4. Get to know a nice person from Hollywood(you know, that one guy). Tell them that you have a great idea. Demand that they give you $200 million to make the film. Make lots of special effects. Create a blog post that is semi-funny. Laugh at a meme that is semi-funny. Do a Youtube video that goes viral. Combine all three together 3 years after they have outlived their fadiness. Make the movie. Make the most epic trailer ever from scenes of other movies. Market it toward older people that don’t watch TV and can’t hear. Pay one guy that is a decent reviewer $200,000 for a good review. Build up hype. Release it against another movie that is good. Watch the movie fizzle in the next week. Cause bitter disappointment.
5. Move to Mars. Live there for 20 years. Find a flying saucer to fly back with. Make scary appearances with your UFO late at night in Southern Regions of United States. Finally when you have got the southerners sufficiently worried, move up to Washington DC. Hover above the city for about a week, scaring people and causing immediate government action. Open door slowly. Walk out all by yourself looking like a human. Make every sigh disappointedly and walk home with their heads down.
So there you have it. A disappointing bitter list of bitterly disappointing things. I would say you’re welcome, but I don’t hear anyone saying thank you. So disappointed. Bitterly.
Aaaarrrrggghhhh
Bitter Lee Disappoin Ted Ben
Related articles
- Pizza Hut Cheeseburger Crust Pizza Is Not Very Good – Non-Shocker (globalpizzahq.wordpress.com)
- Pizza Hut’s 3-Cheese Stuffed Crust Proves There’s No Such Thing As Too Much Cheese (huffingtonpost.com)
- $7 Pizza Deal from Pizza Hut (faithfulprovisions.com)
2. this has always bothered me; that’s what people do in every movie & every tv show…be someone else – get married- then be yourself…that is why the divorce rate is so high….why don;t they be themself 1st?
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I’m always myself. Wanting to be someone else.
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i want to be me with every opposite decision i ever made
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So you would be the anti-you.
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i’d be the healthy me
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Mine would be a nice non bitter me.
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you are a nice non bitter you.
viet nom de plume is my new nom de plume
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Are you speaking vietnamese?
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i’m eating vietnamese. pad thai? i’m speaking bitter ben. i just threw in a sentence about you in a 1000 word post.lol
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which one?
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it was something about how i am not bitter ben i can do math
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what was the title of the post.
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it was the last one;haiku appear out of thin air.
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Pingback: In case you missed it…It was a lazy week | Ben's Bitter Blog
hmmm…moderation, huh? My comment is awaiting moderation? Am I being immoderate? I’ll take that as a compliment. (You surely see the bitterness of that, right?)
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I should leave you comment in moderation hell, just to get you more bitter. Is that helping?
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I’m bitter that my comment hasn’t showed up. Not as bitter as the tofu dog/kale not tasting at all like knockwurst and sauerkraut…but pretty bitter.
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I know. I got so busy laying on my couch being lazy that I could hardly bother myself to approve or answer comments. Go eat some kale to feel more bitter.
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Even a single cheese semi burnt pizza is better than what I just ate. If I got out of a space ship looking like myself and people saw my bitterly disappointed face they’d run. Because NO ONE should have eat a tofu dog with kale. I had this idea that it would be like knockwurst and sauerkraut. I’m telling you…bitter?! Not as bitter as that kale…
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Just the word kale makes my eyes and ears burn. And they aren’t even the ones that would have to eat it. Are you in prison or something? That seems like the only place they would force you to eat kale.
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So I think I have the stomach flu…I will spare you the vivid details, but let’s just say the guy with pizza all over him made me grossly bitter. I love the mars/spaceship/human disembarking and letting everyone down! Hilarious!
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I like to disappoint people as well as get disappointed. It’s what I do best.
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If an alien gave birth on Earth (Hey that rhymes), then the baby would be a human!
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Part alien, part human. I wonder if it would have the powers of an alien and the weaknesses of the humans.
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All I know is that now I can’t stop thinking about pizza.
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You think about other things?
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Just cheezits mostly.
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Or Cheetos.
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Mmmmm the puffy kind *bliss*
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Now you lost me. Crunchy is king.
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I am bitterly disappointed that my date, now my husband, has turned out not to be the rose giving, clean shirt wearer, hosting candle dinners guy he was all though years ago. Now, it is discount flowers when he remembers our anniversary, clean shirt optional, and a what’s for dinner asking guy…
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If you were only reading my blog all those years ago you would have at least understood how bitterly disappointed you would be.
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I know ,and now I am bitter that I’ve not discovered it sooner…
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I guess my bitter marketing team hasn’t been doing their job.
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I would hulk smash the hell out of Pizza Hut for that outrageous excuse for a meal! How dare they! Pizza is sacred. Especially 3 cheese ones!
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I know right? I can’t wait to turn green and get so more cheese on my pizza.
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Ben for president! He loves sheese!
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Everyone loves cheese. Or they should. It clocks the arteries faster than all others.
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As far as ways to die goes, this would indeed be a blissful one
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It is the the way I am doing it. Slowly and cloggerly.
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You seem to have put a great deal of thought into 3). Ha ha.
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Which one was number 3? Oh yeah, failure in school, job and life. Yep.
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And the pizza…=D
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The pizza bitterly disappointed me yes.
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Oh pizzas. We hate them but we love them.
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We are bitter yet, want them anyways.
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Mmm…I could go for a pizza right now. I think the trick is to be spontaneous, and buy pizza immediately. The longer you wait, the greater your expectation builds.
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I will order one spontaneously tomorrow at 11:00 am.
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i am not disappointed in this post.
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You should be. I am. It is one of worst in a while.
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If moving to Mars will make our gov’t take action, then sign me up!
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Just need a spaceship and 20 years worth of luggage.
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Reblogged this on Flutterby.
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#1, 😀 friggin’ hilarious!! Wait, I still use those…
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I know right? I especially like sending a page to people when I want them to call me, so I can call them back on my pay phone.
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Oh, NOW it makes sense how you got to be so bitter. Kelp does not believe Pizza Hut counts as “food.” You must be starving!
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Perhaps I should just eat kelp every week instead of pizza. As long as the food gets me to the next day.
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How do you come up with these things???? You are just crazy talented! 🙂
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The idea for this one struck when I bitterly disappointing someone. I can’t remember when it happened, because it happens about 25 hours a day and 8 days a week. I can’t remember if it was my wife, my kids, my family or the internet.
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I’m doing 3, but I want to be doing 5.
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It’s actually a nice planet, when you get over how hot it can be there. Seems like everyone wants to wear red though.
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Whenever my wife suggests Pizza Hut for dinner a part of me dies as I resist the urge to strike her. It’s just awful, awful, awful and no amount of cheese can save it.
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And yet I can’t resist it for bitters sake.
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…I thought number 2 was just the normal method of dating?
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I was just saying that all dating is bitterly disappointing.
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My boyfriend is still bitterly disappointed I don’t actually own a boat or know a guy who’s willing to sell the first issue of The Amazing Spider-Man for $10.
I’m just disappointed he cares at all about The Amazing Spider-Man.
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He’s looking for a sugar momma? Aren’t we all. We just want to stay home and play video games while you guys are out earning money. Is that so wrong?
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I am disappointed in where you live. How can a place exist where Pizza Hut is the best option?
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There are plenty of other options that are much better, but I am lame and just like one type of food.
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Oh Ben! The dating paragraph is my fave. It’s so true… Hey I still remember these high technologie pager.
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I guess maybe it happened to my once or twice before. Or never. I won’t tell.
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Secrecy is a wonder fulcharacter trait!
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I like to lock up all the secrets, then tell people about them as soon as they are most beneficial for me to spill them.
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