I guess today is a holiday, though how would I know it? I’m at work, doing work (well, not right now) and I see no evidence of it being a holiday at all other than there are some oversized spiders hanging from the ceiling and spider webs everywhere. There is also some weirdo that doesn’t have a head riding around on his horse annoying me. When I asked him to get off his high horse and measure our heights back to back, he was about a head shorter than me. Sure he was a little bitter about having no head and all, but nowhere near the bitterness I have in being tall.
Accidental Greatness. Try as I might, because of my height, I can’t control being good at sports. I try to avoid being near basketball courts by laying on my couch doing nothing, because whenever I walk on a court, I am accidently blocking shots, doing 360 windmill dunks, or doing crossovers that would make Lebron look stupid. When I walk out on a football field, I accidently swat passes out of the way, on soccer fields I keep mistakenly scoring goals. It upsets some people, particularly people that actually do these things for a living. They practice for hours on end, doing insane things like running, lifting weights and shooting. You can’t imagine the burden I carry of automagically being good at sports without trying. It’s like people expect you to do it for a living. But it seems like a lot of work.
Growing up. I had to grow up way more than most. While some people were lucky enough to grow up slowly and gradually and then stop at a nice even height, I had to keep growing. It caused sore bones, lack of sleep, and unrealistic expectations that I could grab things on really high shelves. Imagine the bitterness I felt when someone short kept asking me, “Can you get this for me?” and “Can you get that for me?” or “Can you get that other thing for me?”. “Can you climb on this dangerous ladder and risk your life putting this thing up there for me?” or “Can you get down from the Empire State Building and stop swatting at the nice airplanes trying to kill you?”. Some people just have no idea how much it hurts being so tall.
Nicknames. There are all kinds of cruel, bitter nicknames for us. How about “Hey really tall guy up there!” or “What’s up tallie?” or “What’s the weather like up there, head in the clouds boy?” or “Hey do you want some Strawberry Tallcake?” or “Hey Bitter Green Giant, how is your corn and green beans!” or “What’s up guy that can screw in lightbulbs slightly easier than we can guy?” You have no idea how many days I came home from school or from work yesterday, and plopped on the couch that wasn’t quite long enough, and had to watch a 60″ inch TV that wasn’t quite as tall as me, and easily forgot all those insults. But it was a burden for those short few seconds. Don’t they know that I prefer to be heightily enhanced, not “tall”. Whatever, I’m not bitter(yes I am).
Doorways. Doorways, showerheads, chandeliers, trees and Spiderwebs were all things invented by someone who wanted to torture tall people. I imagine it was someone who was really smart and saavy and good with making things that on the surface seemed useful, but really subtly hated tall people because of their ability to read the weather about a millisecond faster than they could. I would like to come face to face with this person someday, so I could tell him or her how bitter I am about them, but I fear that I would have to sit down to get face to face with that person. No matter, I will get my revenge someday, by not getting something on the top shelf for them or booing them when they come up just short…of making the Hall of Inventions.
I know people have a lot of things to do today, so I will make this short…Have a bitter day of overeating, being hot and stuffy in your costume and having to work despite this being a holiday. I know I will be bitter.
Arrrggghhhhhh Boooo
Bitter Tallie Ben
Related articles
- I’m tall, I’m in front of you – Deal With It. (gregxgregearl.wordpress.com)
- If you missed bitterness this week, your aim was a little off (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Bitter 5K (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
Tall people know who’s going bald prematurely, short people know who’s growing a double chin. With great power comes great responsibility.
LikeLike
I guess I’m privvy to who is going bald, but only slightly. It would be great if I was a little taller, so I would not only know who was going bald, but so I could slam a basketball in a hoop and make a temporary career of playing games for a living and collecting a lot of cash.
LikeLike
Hello there, You have done an incredible job. I’ll definitely
digg it and personally recommend to my friends. I am sure they will be benefited from this site.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pingback: The Bitter End…of the Year | Ben's Bitter Blog
Being among the ranks of the tall (6’4″), I can appreciate(?) your bitterness. I have lost count on how many times I’ve hit my head on low ceilings, ceiling fans, doorways, pipes, etc. I find shopping for clothes to be even more of a painful task because those who purchase 18 1/2″ collars and 36″ sleeves are relegated to shopping in Big-n-Tall stores. Unfortunately, their designers must think that knit dress shirts, Hawaiian prints and sweat pants are all we need to go through life. Until I become independently wealthy and/or dressing for a walk-on part on the next “Magnum, PI” set; I still need real clothes. Where does the bitter line form?
LikeLiked by 1 person
The bitter line forms right here on my blog. It is a free throw line where we never miss, and ceilings are much higher.
LikeLike
I’m six feet tall and a chick. Talk about bitter! At least you men get respect. What do I get? Adjectives like “statuesque.” Yup. That just what I always wanted to hear. I look like a freakin’ statue. And don’t get me started on trying to find pants with a 36″ inseam!
LikeLike
I should probably do a seperate post about called Bitter reasons why girls are tall, but I can’t even remember what I wrote, because it was so long ago and I too tall.
LikeLike
I’m tall as well, well not that tall, but I get comments like,”Hows the weather up there?” and “hey look, it’s the Eiffel tower!” Argh! I hate it!
LikeLike
I always get revenge by saying, “you won’t know for 15 minutes, but I will give you a preview. Go to your home and hide in your shelter. Oh wait, it’s too late for that. Your home is going to be destroyed.”
LikeLike
Hahaha!! Nice!
LikeLike
Oh, and you know what’s even worse? It’s when you meet someone after a really long time, and they don’t even bother greeting you before mentioning how tall you are and how much you’ve grown…
LikeLike
It says my comment is awaiting approval…?
What’s that supposed to mean???
LikeLike
It’s just a setting on your blog that says every comment needs to be approved before it goes publicly on my blog. Just so I can weed out spam and other nonsense.
LikeLike
Ohh, okay…
Thanks!
LikeLike
Hey it’s what I do.
LikeLike
🙂 Sooo.. Any tips?
LikeLike
Tips on getting more readers? Go out and read, comment and follow as many WordPress people as you can. Also make good content that people want to read and have a regular schedule of blogging. Even better is telling people when you will blog every week and what about. For instance, people know that every Friday, I do bitter Pictures. I’ve never said it but people know that every Friday they can count on a post about pics and they won’t have to read as much.
LikeLike
Okay, now it says my comment is awaiting moderation..?
Sorry, I’m new to WordPress
LikeLike
It will say that until I approve every time. No big whoop. I always approve.
LikeLike
Ok, thank you!
Is there anything else I should know about wordpress?
LikeLike
There’s a lot I can tell. Maybe tomorrow I can give you some tips.
LikeLike
Okay, talk to you later!
LikeLike
I think tall people are attracted to shorter people. I’m short and every time I go to an event, a tall person sits or stands in front of me, ruining the event for me. I think it’s time to talk to the ACLU about that.
LikeLike
There definitely needs to be a seating chart for things like that.
LikeLike
I agree.
LikeLike
But I’m too lazy to do one.
LikeLike
I am of average height, but always seem to have a tall person in front of me at a concert, and that makes me bitter!
LikeLike
I am always sitting in front of short people and they are always making me duck and hurt my knees and that makes me bitter.
LikeLike
I used to call my college room mates munchkins and refer to the apartment as munchkin land. Luckily I learned to love my height and even wear heels. Hats off to you!
LikeLike
I know. It is really tough for a tall person to live through all the experiences I do.
LikeLike
I’m bitter because people hate me for being good at sports cause I’m tall
LikeLike
I’m bitter because just because I am tall people assume I will be good at everything (which I am).
LikeLike
See, it must be a good advantage dating-wise to be tall though. After dating guys who were 6’6″ and 6’9″, I can’t go back to shorter than 6’3″ and I’m only 5’6″.
LikeLike
They can be an early warning system for you when meteor’s threaten to strike the earth.
LikeLike
Also they can always part the way in a crowd.
LikeLike
Like a linebacker in football.
LikeLike
This 5″2′ Shrimp, Half-pint, When-are-you-going-to-grow-up, Short- People-Go-No-Reason-to-Live, woman thinks this was hilarious, even if your humor was way over my head.
LikeLike
Over your head. I see what you did there. It a lonely life way up here.
LikeLike
Anytime I’m on a hike, I get to go first to knock all of the webs down with my big ole head.
LikeLike
Like a blocker for a “much more important” running back.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Movie-music-freak and commented:
life lessons!!
LikeLike
make sure to wear a helmet before you leave the house. that way you’ll be protected in case you get bonked in the head by a soaring jet plane. thanks for liking my post. have a bitter day!
LikeLike
I don’t know if there is a helmet hard enough to protect my head from the jet planes that are swinging near my head. I will probably have to invent one.
LikeLike
I’m a bitter short person. I always have to be the one to climb in after the kids at the playground when their stuck because I can fit through the tunnels made for dwarves and two-year-olds. Blast being a midget mommy!
LikeLike
We all have to just be bitter for the things that we are and not for what we hope to be. The bitter grass is always bitter on the other side.
LikeLike
I agree being tall must really suck, but it also really sucks to be short you get thrown around a lot and it’s annoying jokes, and never being able to reach things, I sympathize but as I short person I’d like to point out it sucks too
LikeLike
All sizes can be bitter. I was just offering my opinion as a bitter tall person. Bitterness comes in all shapes and sizes.
LikeLike
Your bitterness makes me bitter, Ben. At 5’4″, life has not been easy. One year I got a stepladder for Christmas because people were bitterly jealous of my climbing and balancing skills. Evidently the kitchen counter is not meant to be climbed on.
LikeLike
I’m glad you are bitter because of me. It is good to finally see it taking hold with you. Roofs are made way too short for people like me.
LikeLike
You sir, have mastered the art of the humble brag.
LikeLike
You got that right. I have spent my whole life perfecting it. Humbly.
LikeLike
Of course.
LikeLike
i would like some strawberry tallcake & to not stand on a chair to change a light bulb & i wish they didn’t put cupcake papers on the top shelf at the grocery…….
LikeLike
Strawberry tallcake is my favorite.
LikeLike
never had a tallcake…my boyfriend is allergic to strawberries , so was my father.
LikeLike
that’s too bad. you should know that no one has allergies to the tallcake strawberries. They are a special breed.
LikeLike
i like special breeds.
LikeLike
They are tasty and they don’t make you allergic. You’re welcome.
LikeLike
thank-you for making non allergic tall cakes
LikeLike
I’m always inventing things that should be invented.
LikeLike
you are; they should pay you for that.
LikeLike
Whoever they are should pay me.
LikeLike
first we have to find out who they are
LikeLike
Google or something.
LikeLike
oh i forgot, google is supposed to pay you.it’s always google.how deep are their pockets
LikeLike
they got some some deep pockets.
LikeLike
i bet they do.i’m going to google it.
LikeLike
they will deny it if you google it. maybe bing it.
LikeLike
ok, i will bing it..then i will ask it.
LikeLike
I can wait when it comes to getting some money.
LikeLike
but can money wait for you?
LikeLike
Money does what I tell it to.
LikeLike
what do you tell money to do? can you make the stock market go up?
LikeLike
I tell it to flee from me, because it is so dirty.
LikeLike
yes you have to wash your hands
LikeLike
You have to Hand it to me.
LikeLike
lol..i have to hand it to you , you are funny & hand you the purell
LikeLike
you have to hand it to me I’m punny and I need some soap.
LikeLike
you are punny & funny & sunny but not a bunny
LikeLike
Hungry for some hunny nut cheerios.
LikeLike
if you runny to take the nuts out
LikeLike
was sunny taken or was that just from seattle?
LikeLike
it’s never sunny in seattle only philadelphia unless you order sunny side up eggs
LikeLike
It is actually sunny today, but freakin cold.
LikeLike
really? you have sun. i bet you forgot what it looked like…i have 55..th 69 fri 72 sat 72.. i hope.. a few hours ago it said 69 fri & sat…tomm it could change again to 32.
LikeLike
Thanks weather girl.
LikeLike
idiots 69 is now 65 today …72 will be 70 & sun is now 47
LikeLike
snow soon?
LikeLike
last year it snowed 1 sunday for 30 min. i was asleep
LikeLike
one year in SD it snowed for 5 months.
LikeLike
woah nelly. that’s not good.did you leave?
LikeLike
I don’t live there anymore so yeah.
LikeLike
i think that’s what they call logic?
LikeLike
I think that something I don’t understand. What is logic?
LikeLike
logic is something that’s understandable.most people have logic & common sense; i only have logic.
LikeLike
I am 5’1″ and one of my favorite things is that not many people can see up my nose. On the other hand, I notice other people’s boogers all the time.
QUE SERA, SERA
LikeLike
Seeing other people’s boogers would be kind of sucky. When I look up I see the skies.
LikeLike
How I wish I am taller. 🙂
LikeLike
It’s quite a burden.
LikeLike
I envy you.
LikeLike
You shouldn’t. I am a pretty bitter person. You are probably at least a little positive about something.
LikeLike
As a short person, I cannot relate to your plight. I will, however, try to be less bitter about being short after reading this XD
LikeLike
It was just about bringing awareness to everyone that being short isn’t the only thing to be bitter about. Now you know how many first world problems tall people have. 🙂
LikeLike
Being short can make a person bitter too! Imagine never getting a clear view of what’s in front of you because all you can see is the heads of other people, or if you came in front of me, maybe your knees. Okay, elbows. I get so thrilled whenever I see someone a little shorter than me because that’s such a painfully rare event. I still use the bed I used as a kid because I never outgrew it. Go figure.
Loved your post though. 😀
LikeLike
Not fair that you have a bed that fits you. I have a king size bed and can’t seem to fit it.
LikeLike
I love everything about being tall. It’s a gift 🙂
LikeLike
As long as you don’t hit your head on something or trip things are good.
LikeLike
I especially appreciate all the subtle humor in this post 😀 I hope that you will understand that as a short guy I am having a very large inward struggle attempting to find even a shred of pity for you. But reading your article did allow me to see things from a different perspective (on much farther off the ground) so for that I thank you!
LikeLike
Don’t ever feel pity for me. I’m just a complainer of First World problems. Just proving that you can be bitter about just about anything.
LikeLike