Last night I was on my Xbox downloading some DLC (extra content for those not in the know) for one of my games called Saints Row IV(I think they Romans call that 4). It was making me bitter because it was taking 614 MB’s more than an hour and a half to download. I’m no computer expert but I know that it shouldn’t have taken that long to. As mentioned before on this blog, I grew up in the Bitterbenzoic era, before modems and high speeds were even a dream and where I felt bitter that my type writer wasn’t working fast enough. When the internet was a just a young lad, it had a thing called a modem that made a loud screeching noise that made cats sound sane, when it was connecting to the internet. Even at 28.8k speed(the blazing fast speed of that ancient time), this shouldn’t have taken so long. I consider myself a patient bitterperson, but this was ridiculous. Watching the percentage downloaded go from 1% to 2% was like watching a regular season baseball game. Waiting for the XBox to download gave me time to think about how slow I have been to download most information.
Math – loading 1%….I am now in my 40th year or 41st, I can’t remember how that goes. I am still learning what factors and integers and mulitiplication and division means. If I, like Billy Madison, was forced to take 5th grade math in order to win the lottery, I would still be sitting in my 5th grade classroom creeping out the teachers, students, and the custodian. Though I would dominate in gym, and be chosen at least 4th or 5th(as opposed to last when I was that age) on any team that required athletic skills, my 4th grader would have a better chance of passing a 5th grade test than me. Luckily, I have yet to use sine, cosine, logorithims or even addition and subtraction once in my daily life. Thank bitterness for that.
Small talk – Loading 2.4% – I have been lacking the skill to pretend to care about what people say about weather, car breakdowns, kids sports, the news, government, politics, peoples hobbies, their hometowns, their anxiety disorders, neuroses and what sandwich they had at the deli last night, or what they “did this weekend” since I was born. I just don’t care. While I appreciate someones ability to drone on about those things and have the ability to care, I don’t. When you are talking, I hope you are completely carrying the conversation, because my mind is at home on the couch, downloading DLC for my game, while you are talking. If it takes a moment for me to answer a question you accidently ask me, and there is a long, awkward pause of say 10 minutes or so, just go ahead and continue to talk about your boring self, start your own daydream or just walk, slide, or even run away. I won’t be offended at either of those responses. Heck you can even yell at me for being rude, I’ll still be watching that download thing in my mind, so you probably shouldn’t waste your breath. Which is what got us here in the first place.
Shaving loading 17% – Ever seen the Santa Claus movie with Tim Allen where he accidently kills Santa Claus and has to take the job over the Santa Claus job? A lot of bad things happen to him because of it. He gains weight without eating, he starts wearing Christmas sweaters year round, his son starts to resent him, he loses his job, his ex-wife hates him, his ex-wifes current husband with equally bad Billy Cosby like sweaters tries to psychoanalyse him. But the worst part of all, is that even when he shaves, his beard grows back superfast. He tries to shave, it grows back. He tries to shave again it grows back again. Can you imagine the amount of razor burn that must have caused? And how many cuts he had to endure? That is me, like twice a week. It is the worst 6 minutes of my Wednesday evening. Not only do I have to lift myself off the couch to walk to the bathroom, but I have to endure that superhot water on my face, and have to use first aid to save my face everytime I shave. I’ve lost more blood in two weeks of shaving, than one time donating my blood. At 40, you’d think I would have this down, but you would be wrong.
Car repair – 7% – Loading – Because I am male of the species, there is a stereotype that I am supposed to be able to fix a car. Well, I’m here to tell you I can. I have about 7% more skill at fixing a car than a baby. Take that 17 month old kid! I can fill my gas tank like a boss who can fill gas tanks! I can take my car to Oil Can Henry’s in like only 20 minutes and have them change my 10 W 30 oil in like another 20 minutes. Take that small child who thinks they are so superior! I’ve even gone to Shell gas station and applied air pressure to my tires with a hose thingy and got them up to the 35 lbs, um number that they are supposed to be. Such precision and skill that 17 month old has yet to master. Keep working on it though little dude and maybe by 20 months you will have it down, but until then I own your car repair skills. Suck on your little pacifier, baby person!
So maybe I am still downloading the “necessary” life skills that most people have fully downloaded by the time they are 8 years old. But there is one skill that most people don’t even come close to mastering that I have powned them on. Bitterness….100% Complete.
Arrrggggghhhhhh
Bitter Downloaded Complete Ben
Related articles
- If you missed bitterness this week, your aim was a little off (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
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- Bitter Review of the Summer (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
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i am the opposite ; d in gym & a+ in math.
speaking of deli sandwhitches & you were..i just made what i saw on beach tv channel…french toast with peanut butter & banana inside.
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That sounds good. When are you sending me the leftovers.
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how did you know there are.. they will go out on the 1st plane..lady in commercial said i dare you to eat the whole thing, so i didn’t.
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Cause you made enough for at least me. Thanks.
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of course i did..it’s southern hospitality.
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And I am northwestern bitter and ungrateful.
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i am southeastern bitter & full of grated mozzarella
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Sounds kind of cheesy.
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it is kind of cheesy.eggplant parmesan cheesy that was really vegetable soupy.
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or macaroni and cheesy.
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how about macaroni with 3 cheesy ies
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That would be so the best. Nothing better than 3 cheeses.
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so i should just make 3 cheese pizza, not 5?
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5 makes the combo not quite as potent. 3 is the optimal mix.
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ah 3 the optimal. i see.
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cheese nirvana is created.
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how do you feel about chocolate cheese fondue. i think frank barone likes that.
couple in the jacuzzi was just telling me about 2 am chocolate buffets on cruise ship.
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I feel great about all those things. They are food right?
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i think they are all food
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Food keeps me alive a lot.
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that’s what they say it’s supposed to do.it’s doing a good job…sir alivealot rhymes with sir lancelot
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I’m only Sir Alivalittle.
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LOL ..i knight you greater than that…sir alivealot
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How about Sir Lazylot.
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okay..sir lazylot sits in a lazyboyalot, wait. what are thosw chairs called?
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Layzboyzalot is correct.
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lazyboyyzalotofcomfort?
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verymuchalotofcomfort.
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southerncomfort is not comfortable to either of us; only lazyboycomfort
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just southern corn fort.
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have you ever had corn nuts..they were on tv last night…i don’t know what they are.
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I’ve had them and they aren’t good.
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if you don’t like them i won’t like them.
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They are too crunchy and don’t taste like real corn.
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since i am allergic to corn anyway, i will just stick with what i like- popcorn
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to go with your movie.
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popcorn goes with your movie also; i don’t know where he goes, but he goes
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how about cap n crunch
ups brought 5 boxes
very large boxes
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I’m good with Capn Crunch, maybe some frosted flakes and some cookie crisps.
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they’re great .do they make cookie crisps?
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Tony the Tiger even loves the cookies crisps.
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i love tony the tiger but not tony the soprano
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or tony danza.
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tony the danza is tony the boxer
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Toni Tone Tony has done it again.
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tonie toney sends her regards
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She isn’t so nice.
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you’re kidding.what did she do?
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Who were we talking about again?
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i forgot .was it your sister joi or your invisible dog
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Pingback: In case you missed it…I’m blogging home alone | Ben's Bitter Blog
Well, you know how I’ve already told you how much I hate math. I’m probably at “only when absolutely necessary” %
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So that is 100% of the time? Or is my math off a little?
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I don’t know!!
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Cause you don’t know math. I see what you did there.
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Hahaa! Christmas sweaters! What did you say again?
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That I don’t wear Christmas sweaters year round.
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I thought I heard something…
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Must be Santa on your roof.
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Play Station is terrible too. One time, my brother and cousin and I were hanging out, and we were trying to download something (I forget what) and then my mom was like, “Time to eat” and after we ate My cousin’s mom was like, okay, we’re leaving now, so we didn’t get to even use whatever it was we were downloading. Grrr…
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Oh my gosh I love how clever this post is! Haha! I am right there with you on the math…mine is only 1% complete, too. So glad you are 100% Bitter Ben!
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That download was complete when I was born. The other parts of my brain are still slowly inching up.
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It makes me a little sad to know that my kids will never know that tortured feline sound the internets used to make in the olden days.
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The won’t ever know what a “floppy disk” or a “VCR” is either. Or knowing if they didn’t stay home to watch a show, they can’t stream it later.
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Slow internet is the worst. Try streaming a TV show in China through a VPN. The horrors.
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Well, if you had a problem with the internet there you could always call tech support. After you learned Madarin.
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Hey– I picked up a fair amount of Mandarin while I was over there– I can say things like “no,” “not fair,” and “I don’t like.” It’s perfect.
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I guess that makes you more of a “Man”darin than me.
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You have such a rough life. No wonder you’re so bitter!
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I know. It’s a hard life living in American and having all sorts of first world problems.
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Are you the guy at the party standing around looking creepy?
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Usually I’m sitting but yeah that is me.
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I love how those skills are still downloading. I hope they eventually do before the world crashes! I think the ‘small talk’ skill is a common delayed download. The bitterness download you obviously own. Duh. 🙂
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Small talk and me don’t see eye to eye. Must be because it is so short and I’m rather tall.
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Don’t you hate that?! I swear if it didn’t defeat the purpose, i.e., wanting to play a game, it would be so tempting to take the Uzi AND the crossbow to whatever server(s) are the problem!
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Hilarious!
I’m so bad at math, that I have to take my top off to count to twelve!
So when someone’s talking to you, and you’re not paying attention, and you’re thinking about downloading to your XBox and completely ignoring them, that’s like most men when women are talking to them, huh?
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benjamin, thou art a scholar! thanks for the funny and informative post. and thanks for being so bitterly generous and taking the time to read my blog. awfully sporting of you, old chap.
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Never been called a scholar. Not sure how a guy that no math skills would ever be called a scholar.
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I’m pretty sure small talk is the only area of my life where I don’t hate buffering. When it comes to small talk, I need all the buffer I can get.
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How could you host a party knowing that you would have to small talk the pretzel lady.
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I’m at -8% download. Not a good day. 😦
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It must be really cold there. If you warm things up a little, you can download bitterness a lot faster.
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Ha ! Yes , my bitterness for math all comes together now. Like I said to my over achieving friends yesterday – it’s just math . Scoff.
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I tell my overachieving enemies that all the time.
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I remember being at college and a few people had never heard a modem screech before. One guy got really scared and thought his computer was breaking.
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The poor guys having to hear that sound once. Must have been so hard.
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I’m sure they heard it many more times after that. I actually liked the sound in a way. Considering how difficult AOL could be in the early days it let me know that it was working
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It also made me hate the internet early on. I wish I could hate it like that now.
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Mine got stuck at 79%.
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