Yesterday, I went to Safeway at 5:30 am to get some mayonnaise. Actually, Miracle Whip. I like to put fake cheese on bread with preservatives and fake mayonnaise. I am a man of simple, artificial tastes. Some people like “real” cheese and “real” mayonnaise (I’m talking to you dad) on some sort of “real” bad tasting bread. Not me. But why was I at the grocery store at 5:30 am to get Miracle Whip? Because I needed enough Miracle Whip to last me a week. It takes a lot of work to avoid not only vegatables, but also fruits. Actually, the real reason I needed Miracle Whip at 5:30 am was because in the Seattle area, the grocery store worker union was going to strike at 7 pm and I wasn’t sure when I would next be able to buy any quantities of Miracle Whip.
The disaster of me not being able to get unhealthy food was averted an hour later. But I was really hungry for the hour and at the time, didn’t know when or where my next meal would come from. I tried taking up gardening in my backyard but couldn’t find a shovel, or any seeds and it wasn’t raining. It was also too cold out, so I never actually made it outside. I was actually just groaning on the couch complaining about a commercial with a juicy hamburger that looked really tasty. But if the strike had gone on for many years more, I might have been forced to get up off the couch and considered doing something about it.
As most of you don’t know there was a strike you probably didn’t hear about. It was a federal government shut down, but since the government is almost always not in session, no one really noticed. What I am starting to notice is that there is a trend in strikes, or what I call laziness. What is next, a garbage strike, a gas strike, or a stike in baseball(for the Seattle Mariners that would have been the first strike they have thrown all season)?
Because I am so sick of hearing about strikes, I’ve decided to start my own strike. Thanks to Google, I found out that today is the 216th anniversary of the first parachute jump(I get all my knowlege from Google and Wikipedia. Books are too hard to read.) Just reading about how much air there is in the, uh air has made me really unrighteously indignant. I can’t take it anymore. I am going to start an air strike. I am going to get in an jetplane, fly high above the overpopulated air and start a firework display with the missles attached to the jet. I will aim these fireworks toward the government strike as sign of good will toward whatever they are striking about. Maybe it will help their cause.
I’ve also decided to strike about other things. I am going to start a strike against traffic. Until traffic stops being so busy, I will refuse to ride in it. No more car rides to work, no more buses, trains, motorscooters, trams, airplanes, helicopters, or even bicycle rides until all traffic ceases. Please join my strike by not doing anything.
I am going to start a meeting strike. Miscommunication, working out problems on your own, and independence have been mistreated for far too long by the neediness of meetings. Instead of failing as a team by having meetings, I say we work more individually to fail. For everything we learn, all the inspiration we get, and all the assignments we get, we all know that those things are immediately forgotten the moment we step out of meetings and throw all our notes in the recycle bin(come on, I have to recycle trash).
So go ahead and pick one. Strike about something. It is so much easier to complain about work than actually working. Also, let me know if you have any ideas for a strike. I may even join your cause if it involves laying on the couch.
Arrrggghhh
Bitter Striker Ben
Related articles
- No grocery strike in Seattle (bizjournals.com)
- Strike threatened at Puget-area grocery stores (kansascity.com)
- Grocery strike would have big effect in Ballard (ballardnewstribune.com)
Strike this!
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Your blog? Are you a match? I don’t like starting fires, but if you must.
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Pingback: If you missed bitterness this week, your aim was a little off | Ben's Bitter Blog
I will strike waving at my neighbors. Friendliness and happy fences be damned. We already know each other. Do we have to acknowledge each other’s presence every time one of us leaves the house?
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You shouldn’t have to even acknowledge them the first time you meet them.
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I will soooo join you on a Meetings Strike. Seriously– I feel like I spend half my workday in meetings, watching people go “oh, was I supposed to do that?” *shuffles papers* “Let’s keep that on the agenda for the next meeting.”
KILL!
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One time I was able to do an entire post while in a meeting. Ironically it was about how bitter I was about meetings.
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Blogging during a meeting? Challenge. Accepted.
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I wish you the bitterest of luck on your ninja spy post in a meeting. The trick is to be useless in meetings and pretending to nod.
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I kept yawning in a meeting the other day and my boss turned to me and said “I’m sorry, are we keeping you awake?” I think I said something like “snarflughjsst”
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To which you should have replied, “No just keeping me from a blog post thank you very much. No stop making me bitter and get back to boring us in your useless meeting.”
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I shall be striking against thinking. From this moment on I will have no more thoughts.
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I start out Fridays by not thinking.
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Are you feeling “food insecure”? That seems to be the new term for hungry or not having enough food to eat. Sounds like you are Miracle Whip Insecure. They must have jars in city food banks, check it out.
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I am not food deficient. I could probably live for several months on just the stuff left over in my belly from pizza 3 years ago.
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I’m going to one up you by not getting off the couch…
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I’m going to minus up you by posting a response and being bitter because I had to do more than you.
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Ohhhh you are so clever. Which makes me bitter…
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Not so clever really, just different view of the bitter world.
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I definitely favor Miracle Whip over mayonnaise, which my husband insists on pronouncing “mah-naise” as if he’s from Boston or something. Though I’m not bitter about it. What is in mayonnaise anyway?
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Bunch of stuff that isn’t in Miracle Whip. They don’t call it a miracle for nothing.
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May I start a sympathetic/empathetic strike from a broad abroad during which I strike fear into young people’s hearts with the threat of using your air strike to eliminate corn syrup thereby ridding the world of grape koolaid and all subsequent hankering for artificial foods? Or I could go back and count my belly button fluff collection again.
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You may start that strike, though I’m guessing you will only get several million people to join you on that strike. Almost makes it seem not worth it.
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My husband has also chosen to drink whatever Kool-aid it is that makes people think Miracle Whip is an acceptable condiment.
I’m striking against Miracle Whip. *bitter grumble*
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I’m pretty sure it is grape Kool-Aid that we drink that let’s us enjoy the old Miracle Whip. You should try it sometime.
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i am striking against typing up board minutes. it’s boring. instead, i will be contributing to the world on a much bigger scale by posting a response to this bitter post.
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That will definitely contribute to my slowly taking over the world. One of the first things to go: Typing up boring minutes.
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ACCORDING TO MY DESK CALENDAR, TODAY IS INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY. IN HONOR OF THAT HOLIDAY AND THIS POST, I’VE DECIDED TO START A STRIKE ON SPEAKING IN A NON-SHOUTY VOICE IN MY COMMENTS. I SUSPECT MY DEMANDS WILL BE MET AS SOON AS I POST THIS RESPONSE.
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i will meet those demands as soon as i figure out what they are also i am not going to use any punctuation marks because of their oppressive nature on the same level as christopher columbus
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I bitterly have to say, that I sooooooo enjoy coming to this bitter page, As for striking, I have to go with Amy above 🙂
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I am going to join her on her strike for staying at home.
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I shall strike on bowling! This, of course, will require a lot of beer. The bitter, the better.
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I have started my own bowling alley called Unlucky Strike. It is actually located in an alley and you may have to contend with alley cats, but it is quite fun fetching your own ball after knocking down numerous garbage cans.
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This is a brilliant idea. I’m going on strike to protest ‘good ideas’. If there weren’t so many ‘good ideas’ there wouldn’t be so many people to go on strike.
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Luckily for me, all I ever have is bad ideas, so they will be able to work through your strike.
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Reblogged this on hitchens67 Atheism WOW!! Campaign and commented:
You will pay for your lack of vision!!
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Now we have to PAY for lack of vision? (Bitter or what?!)
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You will see the greater benefit of the dark side…we have a 401K and better dental!
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but you DON’T have vision! I need rose colored glasses and that requires VISION!
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Hold on…hold.. just a sec, I’m being force-choked here, screwed up on some hyperspace calculations or something, aaack!
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the federal government shut down? when was this?
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it was about the donut shortage in congress.
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you mean they can’t keep donuts in there ? wow,i f only they had more donuts they would be happier & get along ?
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that was so funny.. “a man of simple artificial tastes ” ….i like dukes mayonnaise though. it’s a southern delicious mayonnaise.
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if you are what you eat, i’m mostly made up of donuts, mayonnaise, cheese and bread.
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lol.i’m moo shu vegetable , carrot cake, pumpkin pie,apple strudel donuts ,ice cream, oatmeal cookies….
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Not as good as me, but probably more healthy.
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yes you have to have vegetables in your cake…or fruit..thus was born the fruitcake..
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no fruit cake, carrot cake or lemon meriange for me. chocolate or vanilla or bust.
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no lemon or lime any desert for me..nuh uh.. at my half birthday dinner i was offered key lime…no thank-you , duncan donuts for me. but i ate so many hush puppies with honey butter i couldn’t eat a donut
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fruit and cakes should never cross paths. i love me some cherry limeade, but walmart stole that from me.
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walmart steals things.. they stols my chair at their bank 1st federal….i had this conversation with their optomotrist… do you mind if i sit – the bank took my chairs.. he said they took my pens & my money .. i said they took my money too…lol & they took his debit card…
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every moment I have spend in that store they stole from me.
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yes me too ; they steal my time
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i don’t let them steal from me much cause i just don’t go there.
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i go for the haiku . every time they are funny.
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I love this idea. I want to go on strike from planning meals. And grocery shopping. And doing laundry. And leaving my house.
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I will join your protest for staying at home, by staying at home. Strike started!
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