You know it is a bad season when it is named after most of my embarrasing moments.
I’ve heard enough. There are a whole bunch of people out there on WordPress, television, Facebook and of course, the most popular social network, MySpace proclaiming their love of Autumn. All I know is that at least 7 of my life’s top 15 most embarrassing moments are named after this season. You can say about all the nice things you want about Autumn, but what do we really know about it? It’s the only season that goes by a different name. Fall is as shady as the shade it decreasingly offers throughout its months. What other bitter things does this “Autumn” bring on you might ask? Well, I am going to tell you.
Um…nope.
The weather. Some say fall weather is cool, or there is a crispness in the air, or it is brisk outside. All these word are just code for I can’t wear shorts anymore. I have to wear long sleeves and I have to zip things up, button things down, turn on heaters, warm cars up, scrape windows and rub my hands together. Sounds like a lot of work to me. If it isn’t 70 degrees and sunny, it is cold outside. Fall weather is not a gradual progression to winter, it is the harbinger of doom leading to us to the utter death that we call Winter.
Definitely no.
Trees and leaves. Leaves get all over the lawn that I neglect during the summer. They get on my car, in my car, in the woods, even on the streets. If I drop one tiny piece of paper on the ground and a cop is nearby, I get fined $250 dollars. But somehow, a tree can drops its leaves from late summer to winter, whereever it wants and not once in the history of fines has a tree ever been fined. Not only do they not get fined, but they don’t even clean up after themselves. Either I have to spend hours and hours cleaning them up(Yep, that’s me. A guy that spends hours cleaning up after jerk trees.) or they sit in decay over an unending, lifeless winter. I’m telling you, trees are jerks.
Fall food is so angry and bitter.
The Food. Pumpkin flavored everything. Turkey, cranberry sauce, yams, stuffing. Foods I wouldn’t eat any other time of the year and but all of sudden I’m asked to feast on this and get full and bloated even more than other times of the year? Because some tradition says we are supposed to? And you expect me to cram candy down my piehole for three months? How dare you, Fall! Fine, I will do it, but I’m going to pretend not to like it.
School. For those of you who have kids, summer finally ends and you get to kick the kids out of your house for several hours. Yeah! No more entertaining them all the time! The problem is that they keep coming back. And when they come back they bring homework and papers. Papers telling you that you have to go to the music recitals and back to school fests and ciriculum nights and PTA meetings and help them with projects. All this between 3 pm when they get home and 8 pm (when they are supposed to go to bed.) On top of that, you may have sports or other extracirriculars. Oh and you may even have responsibilities for yourself. And for those enjoying their summer commute without the lazy, slacker bad driving kids on the road? Say goodbye to that in the fall. Back to School Yeah!
This is just for the first day.
As if my rant about school wasn’t over, say hello to Back to school Supplies. You MUST have 85 pencils, 14 erasers, headphones, Iphones, cellphones, homophones, megaphones, rulers(no, they can’t bring me to school), compasses, GPS trackers, markers, crayons, backpacks, folders, a crate of paper, a thumb drive, hyperdrive, driver’s licensce, laptop, desktop, and top hat and all these necessary items to make it through a year in school. Good thing you can take out a loan on your mortgage to pay for these “essential” items. I’m also glad that the payoff for this is a college degree and a job with a Torture 500 company with benefits. Or was it the ability to move to first grade? One of the two.
The colors. People say there is a romantic beauty to the changing of the colors. Every day trees(jerks remember) fade to yellow, red, and brown. If you asked most people what their favorite colors were, these would be on the bottom of the list. But all of a sudden when fall comes around shades of jaundice(yellow), blood (red), and poo..ls with browns leaves on them are beautiful.
Thanks a lot AUTUMN(or is it fall?) I don’t even know who you are, but I do know this. You make me bitter.
Arrrrggggghhhh
Bitter Fall…ing Down Ben
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Ben's Bitter Blog 
You have quite a lot of comments here! I definitely think your sense of humor is contagious! I hope that you don’t Fall every Fall! Thanks for being around on my likes and times you have been there to read my stuff. I am way behind on reading yours!
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I make it a habit to fall on a regular basis. The only reason I’m not on one of these gif sights is because no one has recorded my clumbsiness.
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I like your rant about those jerk trees. It’s quite similar to the one I hear from Greg pretty much from September to April. 🙂
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Trees just make the fall all the more bitter.
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I’m against pumpkin everything. The only thing pumpkins are good for is rotting on my porch until they get covered with snow.
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For some weird reason like putting the taste of that stuff in food.
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Pingback: Friday Fall Pictures | Ben's Bitter Blog
I never liked the season. It creates a moodiness in my soul.
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It’s just the rude introduction to winter.
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thanks…Ben…I want to edit my name of my blog…what setting do I go on? thanks mr bitter 🙂
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You go to the bitter settings and just voice activate it by saying “Change blog name to…Ben’s Bitter Blog is the best blog ever” and it will change it for you.
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It is 🙂
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So the settings worked for you?
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Hilarious.
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Autumn is kind of a jerk, so I had to put it in its place.
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I like pumpkin flavored stuff, and the colored leaves are fine unless a tree takes forever to change colors and leaves half it’s leaves green and the other half orange. If they’re going to change, they should all change at once; and I don’t like cold. It’s always that annoying temperature where you can’t ever figure out how many layers you need and you’re always either too hot or too cold. At least in Winter you know you’re just going to be cold no matter what.
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The weather is like a whiny teenager that can’t make up its mind in the fall.
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I would sign a petition to make pumpkin a year-round food item. No more strange glares when I ask the waitress for a piece of pumpkin pie on September 19th……
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You will always get a strange stare from me. Even on Halloween.
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Not only are the leaves harassing me, but they’re from the neighbor’s tree. I have all evergreens. That guy needs to come down and rake his mess up.
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I think it the trees playing pranks on people. They are rednecks of the forest.
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That would explain quite a bit.
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“Harbinger of doom.”
Feeling extra bitter today, are we?
Your trees are jerks. My trees clean up after themselves. Or maybe that’s the wind. Either way, the leaves always end up in the neighbor’s yard, so…..
Running in the morning has become quite a bit chillier and it has me on the verge of bitterness. But the idea of running in place on a treadmill makes me even more bitter. *raises fist in the air* Darn you, Fall!
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Nope just regular bitter. I’ve been bitter about trees for a long time.
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Could not agree more sir. Autumn is just the Grim Reaper disguised like brightly colored fairy- waiting to pronounce death on the kingdom. The dead season sucks and Autumn’s an accomplice.
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They are trying to kill us all slowly, by making winter last longer every year, until it is winter all year long. Fall is the subtle weasel that is the most evil of all.
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Yes, I agree, being a teacher for 41 fall to me brought an end to freedom, tons of hours spent for lining up parties, not to mention bulletin boards to carry out the themes.
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If they did their homework and didn’t require us to go to their stuff it wouldn’t be such a hassle.
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I’m a huge fan of Autumn when it’s about mid July. But right now I am sitting beneath a fuzzy blanket and there is a space heater on the table blowing burning hot air on my face. And it’s 55 degrees outside. Harbinger of death, indeed.
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It’s a romantic thought, but when it comes down to it, the colors get annoying after a while and the weather is rainy, sloppy and cold. It’s only really romantic in movies.
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^like everything. Just kidding, I don’t really think that but I like to come to your blog to exercise all my bitterness.
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My blog is the 24 hour Fitness of bitterness exercizing.
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You should move to the South. We don’t have AUTUMN. BTW, how many kids do you have? Geesch.
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I should move somewhere else but here. Bunch of tree hugging hippies that worship the ground that the trees litter on.
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Living besides the sea in a corner of England I find that the tourists all bugger off home in autumn leaving me little scope to rant on and on about how much I loathe their very presence! In order to enjoy and savour the rant of undiluted bitterness I find I need animate objects. I’ve never had a good row with a tree. Great post!
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I’m always ranting about trees. Everyone thinks they are so great, but in reality, they are just jerks. I’m here to expose them!
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I hadn’t realized how terrible fall truly is. It’s certainly been pulling the wool over my eyes for years, fooling me into thinking it’s one of my favorite seasons or something.
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Especially the jerk trees. They are always causing littering problems all over my grass. I can just imagine myself saying, “You dumb trees! Get off my lawn!”
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That is quite an amusing picture. But I always rather liked tromping through the crunchy fallen leaves. I like the smell too…
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Which picture are you referring to? What you are doing is stepping on tree litter. You are just encouraging them.
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The picture of you yelling at the trees to get off your lawn…it was very amusing when I imagined it. But I like stepping on the tree litter…
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Tree litter makes me so bitter.
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Haha – makes you rhyme too.
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Bitter rhymes with a lot of stuff which is great.
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Convenient too!
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Pumpkin? Hate it in all forms except pumpkin pie, pumpkin butter, pumpkin lattes, and the pumpkin bread mix and pumpkin mousse cake from Trader Joes. Oh, and carved pumpkins. Otherwise, I really don’t like it.
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So you don’t really like Pumpkin then huh? So do you see yourself eating pumpkin like treats in July or April? Just curious. I’m pretty unpopular when it comes to not liking pumpkins, but thats par for the course for me.
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Never in summer, I can barely stand them in Autumn!
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Pumpkins are for throwing at other people.
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you aren’t whistling dixie; when temperature goes under 70, it’s a nightmare i tell you , a nightmare.
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in other words, every day is a nightmare for me.
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i know every day is a nightmare. if you were in dixie where it’s warm, you would be whistling dixie.
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no cause i don’t really like to whistle. it makes me bitter.
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i am bitter b/c i don’t know how to whistle…just one note.
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you should consider yourself lucky.
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ok i will consider that; i will take it under advisement.
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that what they say in die hard.
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oh .lol die hard wasn’t in that movie i guess…that was 12 monkeys i was thinking about….i didn’t see dead people i realize now; too scary for me
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i didn’t see 12 monkeys so not sure about that.
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neither did i . i was in the hall, i think.
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the hall of fame?
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yes the hall of movie theater fame
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P.S. I just reblogged it,… had to share! So glad, I get to post my bitterness here at the loss of my WP credentials! 🙂 Do know, that I also do not receive follow ups to replies, as I am sent fishing back to everyone’s site unless they reply by email, bummer!
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Hi Ben! Lol, too hysterical, I loveeeeeeeeeee your blog, even though you are being a bit harsh on my favourite season :), it is still hilarious, I am so with you on ‘there should be fines for leaves’, lolol. So yes, I found a way to reply to my blogger buddies, you will notice, when I ‘like’, I have been stripped of my gravatar (I’m just a purple square, yup that’s me) and pen name by WP, but oh ya, I found a way around the system! I aint goin’ nowhere! Hey world, I am D.G. Kaye dgkayewriter.com
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sorry about your favorite season, but hey all seasons are equally bitter to me.
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LOL
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doesn’t it make you bitter when you have to put on a suit or get dressed up to go to the recitals? i remember twelth grade for one week every single night my father made a joke about how he had to put on a suit every night ,to go to dancing recital, violin recital, band recital, fine art center recital… i forgot the others probably graduation was in there.
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yeah, some weeks between church and other activities it feels like i am always dressing up.
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that sounds like all the time… does hello kitty have to get dressed up too?
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she laughs at me when i have to get dressed up all the time. stupid cat.
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what a mean cat. she is not a cool kat
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she my nemesis for a reason.
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yes a good reason. do you put her out at night, like fred flintstone?
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i think we sold her or gave her away. Good riddance to her.
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good riddance, but she does make lovely t shirts.
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then she can live down south with you.
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i would love to have her.she would say things like yall come back ya hear & i’m plum tuckered out & how bout some bald peanuts.
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i can’t find the button to go back a year or months . am i confused or did hello kitty destroy this
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on your blog? for mine you just go to the bottom where it shows the months and click on them.
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on your blog.it wasn’t there yesterday, i tried. i will try again ,in a little while.
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i realized that i had taken it all off, so I changed. it should be on there now
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oh i thought it was me…i found it ; you did put it back.
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i was just trying to make other people that they were crazy.
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you made me .lol.. hiding months you silly
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I have that ability to hide months.
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you and you alone
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it is just one more of my bitter super powers.
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you are lucky: you have so many.. you haven’t lived until you have had dukes mayonnaise.
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and i’m going to use them all for evil. maybe when i go to DC. Do they have it there?
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i was just thinking about that . they didn’t , but then they built a harris teeter & it has dukes ….least the one in potomac does.
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i don’t know if I can go all the way to SC. So far away.
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which is closer s.c. or d.c?
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If we went to dc, dc would be closer.
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then you can get your mayonnaise right outside of d.c.
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i plan on just staying at the white house and asking the cooking staff to get it for me.
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i bet they use dukes. no they make real mayonnaise..one day i will too.
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i will make sure they use dukes because i request it.
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lol yes you do: i do too…everyone should
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if they only knew how dukes tasted. so do i.
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yes if you & they & he & she only knew how dukes tasted..they should send me a free case, as much as i am plugging them: you too….but TNSTAFM there’s no such thing as free mayonnaise.
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there would be if I was in the white house.
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well we’ll have to put you there
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at least i’m old enough. would i have to live in DC the whole time?
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no you can take as many bitter vacations as you like & go to camp….camp david.
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i think i will go to camp david right now. or hawaii.
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if you have to…true story – i ran away from home once so i wouldn’t have to leave home….camp
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talk about cutting off the nose to spite the face.
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is that what that expression means.. isn’t that just ridiculous that you have to run away so you won’t have to leave ?
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It’s doing something to do something else.
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you are really teaching me today… i didn’t even have to pay for the bitter seminar
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but you should have to. send money.
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yes i should send money;you are worth it.maybe you can tell me how to dry / save my computer
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The best way is to not spill Hawaiian punch on it.
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lol.yes, but alas it’s too late..boy do i hate windows 8
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Guess you should just use your ipad.
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yes someone said i should get one like his.i don’t even know difference in ipad or ipod?
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one is big and one is small. one has and a one has an o.
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which 1 is which one?
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the ipod is with an O.,
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LOL & the ipad , is it just that simple,let me guess an a?
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You just learned to extrapolate data. Congrats.
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i extrapolated? wow,
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Yep. enjoy.
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i enjoy extrapolation & trajectories of bullet paths
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must be because of the mobs in orlando.
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yes the mob & the 1700 gang members in orlando…well i’m mad. this new computer is not shutting off, so i turned hawaiian punch upseide dows again, but after i answer i need to go back to it , in an hour or 2
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Bitter get that to a computer repair shop.
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hairdryer & upside down work better
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windows needs to go out the window?
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lol yes windows needs to go out the window…don’t collect 200.00.
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Then you can get snow leopard.
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it doesn’t snow here
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Snow leopard is the Apple version of windows 8, except it works.
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ahhh. i did not know that..i would rather have a real leopard & use xp
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you can have our old computers that are jurassic slow.
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my old 1500.00 computer was taken by the geek something not squad , who talked me into letting them have it.
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what a great day that must have been
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one in a long long line of many great days they were anything but great
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They were definitely days.
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yes they were all days except when they were nights
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you realized after i told you ? lol
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of course it was after you told me. I had just tried to change my background and had to reput everything back. didn’t know what I missed.
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LOL.. yes of course it was after… oh well you have a good reason.. i know what you missed.
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I keep trying to find a more bitter background.
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i hope more bitter doesn’t mean scary
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no but there is a spider behind you. boo.
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oh no. i looked. there’s one in front of me, always outside the balcony . i think they are having a convention here.
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They are trying to trap me in my yard. every morning I wake up they are making me do the limbo.
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LOL. oh man that would be so hard. they are so tiny. they do the limbo here, the d j ‘s make the children at the pool at 3 pm , mon & thurs…they use a noodle.
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i will tell you what i bet you missed. a lutheran person told me that hanukkah is on thanksgiving this year & she was correct.
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