My chase dream was exactly like this except I was laying on the couch not running.
One time I had a dream (not an aspiration in life, but the sleeping kind) in which I was being chased by zombies or a generic federal agent (I don’t remember. My dreams are so lame, bitter and unremarkable, that I wonder why I bother sleeping at all.). The agent or zombie kept trying to intimidate me into running away because they were so scary. But I didn’t run. It wasn’t because they weren’t scary or intimidating. They were. When someone has an FBI badge on, you know if you don’t run or comply, your fate will be years of empty threats (Thanks every federal agent show on TV). And don’t get me started about what will happen if you don’t run from a zombie. Your brains will get eaten and you will become a zombie. (Is that such a bad thing? See Zombie Apacolypse Bitterness.) The reason why I didn’t run? Well, I’ve got bad knees, a bad back, heartburn and I’m lazy. Why would I want run, with no hope of escaping?
Not even these scary guys can get me to run. Hey, I’ve got bad knees, give me a break.
Even in my dreams, I can’t get motivated to run at the threat of a zombie. So, you’ve probably guessed that I don’t like running when I am awake. So that is why I have decided to start my own Bitter 5K race. Why in the world would I want to start my own 5K? There are thousands of new 5K’s out there and they are getting more entertaining and interesting everyday. There is the Color 5K, the Hot Chocolate 5K, a Foam Fest 5K and even and Electric Run (Is this a competition to see who gets electricity this month? Sign me up…to watch.) It is clear to me that people despise running, so organizers of 5K’s are doing just about anything they can to make people forget why running is so miserable.
The Bitter 5K will do quite the opposite. We will custom match the racers style to a bitter experience for everyone.
The casual racer. These are the ones that decided the night before they would show up, but haven’t practiced running in 25 years, and throw on their sweatshirt and hope for a leisurely walk. Their race will be an army style crawl through darkened caves, a run through a simulated mine field and a race for their lives from real FBI agents.
Have I got a fun run for you.
The “social” racer. These are ones that have a whole group of friends that are essentially just there to talk and maybe walk a little.They will be split up from the beginning with a group of anti-socialites and have to compete Gundam style in a corn maze that could take them hours to complete. They won’t see their friends for days.
The fashionista racer. They show up in the newest, shiniest shoes and brand new “workout clothes”. Their race will start with a bizzaro car wash, where instead of getting clean, they get dirty. They will then change into a pair of military green fatigues along with their own personal drill sargent that will scream at them the whole 26 miles to go faster, to quit being such a baby and crying about how they just want to go home.
No need to dodge fire. Just run on treadmill at 10 MPH for hours.
The serious racer. These are hard core competitors who want to win the “rumored” $5000 grand prize. They will start on a path that looks like a trail, but is really just one big long treadmill going 10 miles per hour against them. Even though they are running at high speed they will not be able to keep up with the bitter turtles racing by them.
Other touches will include discouragement along the way by a bitter crowd, schadenfreude, and water cups that are actually filled with gravy. The thing all racers will have in common is a bitter disappointment with their race experience. The Bitter 5K will raise awareness about how running just isn’t that fun, nor really that good for you. It will also raise awareness about where you shouldn’t put your money, because of where the money goes(I promise not my wallet. Bank account maybe, but not my wallet.) So start torturing yourselves running and get ready for an experience you will want to forget. The Bitter 5K is coming to a town near you! Registry begins soon.
ArrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhK
Bitter CouchK Ben
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I should sign up for this. Most of my running experience has been bitter anyway.
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You know what word sounds like running? Ruining, which is what running did to my knees and back and shins.
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Bitter, yet probably true for a lot of us. Makes me want to give up running, but then, that might make me bitter again…
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If I could get a six pack from running, I might do it. But all it does is help you get skinnier legs and lots of pain.
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Beside the fact that I don’t have a clue what 5K are, you shouldn’t have to grapple with runnig at alll! What about that: I draw you a weelchair and you come around for a stroll and I cart you a little 😉 squeak squeak
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5K’s are races where you run 5 kilometers. There are so many over here that they are now starting to do themes like ones where you get color all over you, or your run in the mud, etc. As far as wheelchairs go, yes please draw me one and push me around. That sounds great.
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I bet like everything else from over there we’ll get it soon…The coloed- mud doesn’t sound so bad! I join 😉
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You should definitely join. Me on the other hand, too lazy…
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Wastingtonian that explains it. Was born in Tacoma.Hmm, I’ll furnish wonderufl Florida water to drink incase someone needs it.
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It does explain why I am so bitter. All the rain and etc. Does the Florida water taste like gravy?
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How about a “refuses to run” category? I am up for that one.
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I am in that category for sure. I think we have some surprises for them for the rest of the refuse to run people.
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love this – love the clown car
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I think that I am the only thing slower than that clown car.
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I love the casual racer. Bitter, too, afterward I bet. 🙂
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The casual racer will turn into a hardcore bitter person after their race is over.
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Sounds like one of those Tough Mudder events!
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Except people that go to tough Mudder events expect to be tortured. The Bitter 5K, no one will know what will happen.
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Lol, I have awful dreams. Most of the time someone is trying to kill me. But I am pretty awesome in my dreams, and usually avoid it. When I am about to die, I wake up. Hmmm
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Sounds like you need to stay up playing violent video games. That is the way that I have overcome scary dream and now have bitter dreams. Remember the key is video games.
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I think video games, tv shows and scary movies make me have even more scary dreams. but I should try it anyways, what could it hurt?
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Maybe by overloading you will cancel all your bad dreams.
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This could be true. Well, I know what I am doing this weekend. 🙂
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I know what I am doing every weekend..
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Sign me up! 🙂
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All we will need is your $1000 entry fee and you can start by running from you house to California. Once you get there, catch a plane up to Seattle and I will give you instructions at the airport to my house, where I will then have you turn around, go home and run 5K from your house and that will be your race. You’re welcome.
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LOL. In my dreams. 🙂
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I know right, kind a nighmarey dream like being chased by a zombie.
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I hate running too. I have to chase my chickens around the yard because they are occasionally too stupid to load up into the hen house. The ‘occasionally’ leads me to believe they do it on purpose to watch me run. It’s a bitter thing to find a flock of chickens deaking and dodging around the yard snickering.
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Perhaps if you threaten them with a chicken dinner they would not make you chase them.
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I think it’s the buffalo wing breathe that makes them distrust me. I don’t know why. It wasnt THEIR wing
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Maybe they are afraid of buffaloes. And in their minds if you could hunt down a buffalo and eat it, they had no chance.
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I am convinced they are fearless. The mind of a chiken/dinosaur allows no fear. They can fly like $&@!? eagles too! Chickens are under rated all across the board.
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The only way I look at them is 1. eggs 2. Nuggets.
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Mmmmm….nuggets.
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And eggs.
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What are you? The social activities director for the lower echelons of hades?
p.s. don’t forget to take away all ipads etc. from the socialites as they’re wandering through the corn maze, or their friends will tell them how to get out.
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I am the director of bitterness. So not so much a place like Hades, but more of a feeling like…well bitterness. They can keep their Ipads. They should just know that there is no Wifi in there and there is a high likelihood that they will not survive the maze. Muhahabitter…
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I think I’d fall somewhere between the casual racer and… the casual racer.
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I think I would be one of the anti-socialites annoying the social ladies, if I wasn’t so lazily running the whole event 5k.
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You had me at gravy.
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I would have held out for bacon, but that is just me.
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Where do I register?
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At bensbitterblog.wordpress.com. Hit like on every post, then pay the entry fee of $1000 to me, then you start your run in your local area, right outside of your apartment. Then the bitterness will follow.
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Stay strong Ben,
I like the tweets, too…not actually on twitter, just looking about, I mean, I don’t really have a phone. Keep writing.
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The tweets are just bitterness in 140 characters or less. Even though you can’t see them on twitter, I have been recapping them every weekened, so you can see them there too.
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This is the first blog I read after I got back from my run!
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This is the last blog I read while laying on my couch!
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I hate running dreams. I usually just stand there “kill me. I am not running”….. Maybe I am subconsciously suicidal
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Or maybe you are just anti-running like me. Besides that isn’t suicidal if someone else kills you…
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