Bitter Photobombing, Learning and Tables

I was trying to take a picture of my feet and this T-shirt appeared out of nowhere.  Weird.

I was trying to take a picture of my feet and this T-shirt appeared out of nowhere. Weird.

Doesn’t it make you bitter when you are trying to take a picture of something and someone photobombs your perfectly terrible and blurry picture?  I was trying to take a picture of my toe and this T-shirt totally photobombed my picture.  It came out of nowhere, jumped in my photo, acted like a jerk, then left, and pretended that it didn’t screw up my picture after I took it.  When I tried to confront the T-shirt about the photobomb, it just sat there, laying on the shelf pretending not to hear me.  Jerk.  It also implied that I was lazy, which I am, but that isn’t the point.  Well, next time he is trying to take a photo with his friend, I’m going to get in his picture with a really bitter face.  That will teach him.

I've noticed a pattern.

I’ve noticed a pattern.

Speaking of teaching someone a lesson, I found a way to explain how my blog works.  People accidently end up here by typing the word bitter on Google because something in their life sucks so bad that they can’t possibly make it through the day without crying.  They accidently read a post and think, “This guy has no reason to be bitter at all and yet he is complaining. Maybe I’m not as bitter as I think.”  It seems funny to them, because anything on the internet is amusing compared to what they are going through.  Then, they accidently hit the subscribe button, because their mouse isn’t working, then they go on their bitter way.  Then they see an email every two days, saying that they are stalking a bitter blog, can’t find a way to unsubscribe and they are left bitter about all this junk mail they are getting.

Tables are such jerks. They are always getting in the way of my toes.

Tables are such jerks. They are always getting in the way of my toes.

Speaking of tables that explain things, Dinner Table is like the lego of furniture.  They appear to be perfectly nice to you in the daytime by volunteering to host meals such as dinner, lunch and other breakfast like meals. Sometimes they even promise to hold other things on top of it, like newspapers, straw wrappers and bills that you will never pay. Then, as soon as it is dark and you are too cheap to turn on a light, it turns full Godfather.  It waits for you to screw up, walk a little too fast, walk without your bodyguard shoes, or decide to use one of its competitors, the fridge, and it strikes.  Without mercy, it strikes and reminds you that he is the boss of the kitchen and you don’t mess with him at night.

Arrrrrrghhhhh, my toe hurts!

Bitter “Toe” Ben

 

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38 thoughts on “Bitter Photobombing, Learning and Tables

  1. This could be my favorite post of yours…but I have a lot of catching up to do. Your chart was a little harsh. I’ve never thought, “GO DIE or I HATE YOU” while reading a blog. Not yet anyhow.

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  2. Your table is tough and all, but it has nothing on the walls in my house. I turned off the lights last week and thought I was walking to my room. Instead, the wall confused my brain and jumped into my path causing me to run face first into some part of my living room. I say face first because the end table also jumped in front of me, causing me to lose my footing and fall forward into the waiting flatness of the wall.

    I suspect these occurrences are linked to the furniture uprising. I can feel my recliner plotting my death as I type…

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  3. More often, it’s the elusive ottoman that I’m stubbing my toe on… I’ve tried talking to him about his behavior, but nobody puts ottoman in a corner. Literally.

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  4. I’ve been neglecting the Bitterblog. For this I apologize. I was focussing on my own production but it’s been increasingly clear that I’m running out of ideas.

    You’re doing well here! You go, guy!

    Either this invalidates your bitterness, or totally validates it. I can’t decide which.

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  5. Damn Kitchen tables always get in the way, right? What the hell!! I will be walking through my house, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, my kitchen table or one of its accomplices (the kitchen chairs) will jump out and hit my toe! WTF!!! Me and that table are gonna have a talk!

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  6. Nothing makes me sound like a bitter old sailor faster than a table leg. I can handle many types of pain with dignity (childbirth included), but stubbing my toe sends me into a spiral of curse words that would make an Army grunt blush. It’s shameful.

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  7. I love how you turn your life as a child (years ago) into such funny experiences. Those experiences back then did not seem to be funny to you or to me then.

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  8. Nah. It’s just as funny now (your blog). In fact, hysterically funny sometimes. But I like your bitter take on the progression with the chart. Table legs. Plotting, always.

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  9. hahaha I love it. You have me in hysterics. People think I’m barking because I can talk to the dead but I don’t pick fights with tables and get stalked by photobombing Tshirts lol Your brilliant. You could do stand up, seriously.

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