Quote Bitterizing

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This is not Shakespeare writing a play, it is him writing down things that will be unoriginal people's Facebook posts.

This is not Shakespeare writing a play, it is him writing down things that will be unoriginal people’s Facebook posts.

You all have at least one of these pain in the bitter people as a Facebook friends.  It’s not the boring pictures friend, or the promote their child’s terrible talent recital friend, or the overshare about whatever “procedure” they are having that I don’t want to know about friend, or the brag about their vacation to Hawaii for two weeks so I am aware of when I can rob their house friend.  No the “special” friend I’m talking about is the inspirational “quote” friends.  You know the ones I’m talking about.  Every little quote they find on the internet or they hear from a friend or whatever part black hole they get quotes from, they have the need to post on Facebook.  Not just one or two an hour either.  We’re talking about the type that appear on your wall 40 times between any other post from anyone else.

"Uhhh, this is the worst day ever. Wait...what is this inspirational quote on Facebook? Oh wow, now my day just turned around."

“Uhhh, this is the worst day ever. Wait…what is this inspirational quote on Facebook? Oh wow, now this is the best day ever! Thanks inspiration quote!”

Just so you know, I am not going to be in the midst of the worst work day I’ve had since yesterday, pull up Facebook, read that “inspirational quote” that Alfred Einstein never said and all of a sudden puke rainbow colored unicorns.  Not going to happen.  I will probably just be more bitter.  So thanks for that Facebook quote queen or king for that.

Luckily, I realized that I had a talent other than bitterness that I am going to share with you today. I have the ability to take any quote and deconstruct and Bitterize it.  Below are some examples, and as a (paid) service you can send me a quote, no matter how inspirational, or upbeat and I will be glad to Bitterize it for you.  Only $5 per quote.

My special talent? I take inspirational quotes and break them down and Bitterize them.

My special talent? I take inspirational quotes and break them down and Bitterize them.

These are just a few examples from our front desk that is required to put a quote on each of the out of office reports:

“Without fear, there cannot be courage.” – Christopher Paolini

Quote Bitterized: “Without sleep, there would be no naps.” Mr. Obvious

“Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.” – Albert Einstein

Quote Bitterized: “That is just absurd, and the definition of impossible is that it can’t be done. Weirdo.” Bitter Ben

“It is much easier to be brave if you do not know everything.”
― Lois Lowry

Quote Bitterized: “It is also much easier to be an idiot if you don’t know everything…soo,” Bitter Ben

“Those who look for the bad in people will surely find it.”
― Abraham Lincoln  (also Pollyanna)

Quote Bitterized: “And that is a bad thing?” Bitter Ben

“I would rather fail in a cause that will ultimately succeed than succeed in a cause that will ultimately fail.” -Woodrow Wilson

Quote Bitterized: “Sounds like you just want to fail like I do all the time.” Bitter Ben 

“The desire to reach for the stars is ambitious. The desire to reach hearts is wise.”
― Maya Angelou

Quote Bitterized:”Stars are like a billion miles away.  Why would I go to space just to reach a dying planet?  And what, you want to perform heart surgery?  Gross!” Bitter Ben

“Don’t find fault, find a remedy; anybody can complain”
― Henry Ford

Quote Bitterized:”Finding fault is great, complaining my forte.  Remedy?  Do I look like a doctor to you?” Bitter Ben

“Hang in there. It is astonishing how short a time it can take for very wonderful things to happen.”
― Frances Hodgson Burnett

“Yes great things happen when I just hang in there.  Like hanging on a pull up bar.”  Bitter Ben

“If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth the writing.”
― Benjamin Franklin

“Or star on a reality show that is rotten.” Bitter Ben

“Sometimes the little things in life mean the most.”
― Ellen Hopkins, Glass

“Ants are little, bees are little, mosquitos are little.  Mansions are big.” Bitter Ben

I could go on, but then that would interfere with my nap time.  So you know, leave your favorite quote, I will bitterize it, put it on a T-shirt, and sell it to you for $20.  Cause I do bitter things for people.  You can insult me later.

Arrrrghhhh

Bitter “Misquoted” Ben

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101 thoughts on “Quote Bitterizing”

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  5. great blog. a true fellow traveller. not only the inspirational quote needing bitterising but the surfeit of likes to your blog which come with the inspirational ‘ how to separate you from your hard earned bucks and give it to some low life net layabout’ schemes, eg AWOL etc etc.

    great work blog on!

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  20. “Without sleep there would be no naps” is my favorite. Yesterday, my sister said I was bitter. I obviously answered with “yes, of course. But I rather be pleasantly surprised when something good happens than be disappointed when it doesn’t”

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  21. “Vacation to Hawaii for two weeks so I am aware of when I can rob their house friend.”
    HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHHA, I never thought about that before!

    What about the, post nude photos of my children cause they are so cute friend? Yeah, but um there are creepers out there dude. (WELL THEY CANT SEE THESE PHOTOS!) Ok… you clearly just learned about the internet, no?

    This post has perfect timing too. The other day a friend of mine from college (whom I no longer speak to admittedly) posted up a quote I have never heard…

    “Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” Ralph Waldo Emerson.
    (so he was being metaphorical and shit, I brought it back to reality as an avid hiker)…

    “But that is where the snakes are.”

    And he responded with the weirdest shit ever “And why be afraid of snakes if you can see their true colors?”

    What the fuck? First off if we are talking about reality, snakes are a threat. I suppose that one could look at the color of a snake and know it isn’t dangerous, but I thought it had more to do with the patterns on the back… or the rattle to tail situation that made it pretty obvious you need to get the fuck out of there.

    Second… if we are talking metaphorically… wouldn’t you just avoid people who have shitty true colors? I am not afraid of a person that sucks as a human being; I just cut them out of my life. Never have I been in a situation where I said, ahhh I see so and so’s true colors, I shall no longer be afraid of them.

    Maybe it’s not the quotes that are annoying… but the meaning behind them that people believe apply to them when in reality they have no idea why it was written, nor can they expound upon it in an eloquent way that promotes the necessity of sharing it!

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  26. “Nobody gives a crap about your fluffy words on Facebook,” ~Mark Twain
    Just kidding. He didn’t really say that but for realsies, nobody cares. Great blog! I like you!

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  31. My fav:
    “It is much easier to be brave if you do not know everything.”
    ― Lois Lowry

    Quote Bitterized: “It is also much easier to be an idiot if you don’t know everything…soo,” Bitter Ben

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  37. “Those who look for the bad in people will surely find it.”
    ― Abraham Lincoln (also Pollyanna)

    Quote Bitterized: “And that is a bad thing?” Bitter Ben

    This one is my personal favorite.

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