Sometimes, no matter how hard you try Tuesday comes. (Mondays are Tuesdays sleepy, lazy cousin.)
Why is it that when there is a fly in the house, I have to chase it like a crazed lunatic with a fly swatter, almost shatter windows, almost break every bone in my body avoiding obstacles, and scaring the children just so I can kill it and this Venus Flytrap lazily throws up a tenticle and gets to treat the fly like me on a Tuesday? One of life’s bitter mysteries.
My first novel.
You would think that this a compelling novel about the intricacies of who has made me mad, people I was scorned by as a youth, people I have interviewed with or girls who have broken my heart, but you would be wrong. The reason why I haven’t published this yet, is not because of privacy of the people I would do this to. It is simply because it is too short. I don’t think a publisher would take on a novel that would be the following word: Everyone.
Nope. It’s not.
First of all, life isn’t too short. It just seems to be just draggin on. It’s been over 40 years now. Moses wandered in the wilderness for less time. Second of all, let’s listen to whatever the bottle cap says. The bottle cap has been through so much like plague and famine and bloodshed and war and all kinds of terrible things. Whatever the bottlecap says. Bottle cap is probably 2 months old, covered a beverage for a week, got freed by a thirsty person and is now free to do whatever it wants. Yeah, such a painful life, bottlecap. I don’t know how you and cats do it. Please tell me why I shouldn’t be bitter.
Arrrghhh
Bitter Life’s too short Ben
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Ben's Bitter Blog 
What you should do is launch a candy company. You know how Dove writes things on the wrappers to make people happy? You should write things to make them bitter. The bottle cap inspired me. 😉
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You got a great idea there. Bitter candy with bitter saying on them. We can split the profits, 90/10.
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I may have an answer to why you chase flies the way you do. Is it possible that you might be a cat?
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I’m pretty sure I’m not a cat because of the whole hating cat thing, but maybe it’s like I am a human that doesn’t like other humans. Let’s just say if I am a cat, I’m grumpy cat.
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Publishers usually want books you have to buy before you finish reading them. Jerks!
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I know right? I sent several a note that I was working on a book about a wizard named Harry Potter that went to a magical wizard school and fought a guy called Voldemort and they said that story has been done. Yeah right.
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They just have no imagination!
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It’s probably because I set it in California.
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I want to punch most everyone in the face too at one point or another. See? I am a Bitter Betty ~
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Welcome Bitter Betty. Did you like the book? Great summer reading by the pool.
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no I just grabbed the cliff notes
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That would be an even awesomely shorter book. Don’t take too long reading it.
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It might take me longer to read than most people cause my fingers are busted up from punching them all in the face.
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As long as you have a good reason.
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Dang you got the last word. I’m so bitter about that ;(
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You did.
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No, you.
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As I’m reading this, a big fly is buzzing around the room, and banging into the windows.
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A good Venus Fly trap could take care of that. Just watch your fingers.
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I love the title of your book…’nuf said…I don’t need to know who “everyone is! Where are the publishers? Maybe they know they’ll be punched in the face!
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I think some publisher’s found the book a little too long and too hard to read. Maybe Oprah should look into it.
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We’re pretty tight…I’ll get you an audience.
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It would be an easy read for here too.
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Bitter minds think alike. How did you know that was the title of my first book? At least it would be something that didn’t need editing. Bottle caps are very wise, but they are wrong! 😉
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Bottle caps should stick to covering drinks and not motivational speaking.
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The sad thing is if you had just ignored the fly for a few days it would have died a natural death 🙂
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Hello, Ben! Your nemesis is alive and kicking, believe it or not! And I’ve gotta say…despite my eternally opposite/sunny disposition, I found today’s photo/caption rather funny. More later…I’m rather busy feeding orphans and adopting stray cats…see you on the flip side…:)
TB
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How bitter to see you again! You must have been stuck on the bright side of the sun, while I was here on the dark side of the moon. Was your vacation from the Bitter Blog pleasant? Hope not!
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LOL! No, I was not STUCK on the sun, LOL, dear Ben, just busy making others happy and working on my book and such. And I went out of town 3 weekends in a row. One weekend I attended my high school reunion, which was like visiting an alternative universe, but I had fun, nonetheless. So, put away your BITTER meter cuz part of the reason for my absence is because I was just being a party animal, LOL! 🙂
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Gets pretty hot on the sun doesn’t it? Bitterly hot there.
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Oh, but I LIKE it hot…:)
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And I like it Bitter Cold.
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Yeah, yeah. And it’s not that cold in Seattle, right? Perhaps, you should move somewhere sunnier! 🙂
TB
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Perhaps I should move somewhere less bitter.
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Now, there’s an idea!! Cayman Islands anyone? Or, perhaps, sunny California?
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Perhaps another cool location like Antarctica or space?
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PENGUINS! I’d love to see Antartica…perhaps we could plan a trip together…you, me, my husband, and an RV to haul your bitterness, which my husband and I will shove over a cliff…so as to finally rid you of this burden.
Love and ice cold beer burritos…
TB
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Shoving me off a cliff would probably make me bitter too. Just saying.
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Nah, I’m thinking you’d shed the bitterness en route to the next life…:)
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P.S. Better watch that now! You ALMOST sound positive…:)
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Moving somewhere wouldn’t make me less bitter.
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Oops…I meant to escape all the rain/drizzle, I mean…
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I will escape the drizzle indoors where I will stew and be bitter.
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Ben, Ben, Ben…so predictable. Some day I shall bludgeon the bitterness out of you with my world famous/prize-winning chili…or, perhaps, some homemade oatmeal cookies…:)
Best,
TB
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If I am reading this correctly you are going to bludgeon me, which would hurt and make me bitter. Hopefully not oatmeal raisin. Raisins make me bitter in cookies.
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LOL…I have no other comment…:)
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Hard to believe…
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The Monday one…for real…
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Cept for Tuesday, my least favorite day of the week.
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Naw…Mondays are the worst. I’ll take your Tuesday. You have my Monday.
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PS Seriously, though, I need tan email or something, so I can interview you, Bitter Ben.
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I sent it to you a while ago. You didn’t get it? bengardner2000@gmail.com.
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I didn’t. I got it now, though!
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Good. Interview away.
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Agreed. I will start not showing up at work starting next Tuesday and I will take care of the dog, the house and the camera and everything else you do on Mondays. It will be my most exhausting day of the week, but it beats having to do any more Tuesdays.
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YES. You deal with the evil dog.
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I may have bite marks up one arm and down the next, but I WILL have my Tuesdays eliminated!
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That bottlecal is your enemy! Watch out for that one… Bottlecaps can be elusive. Just look at how hard they are to open.
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Stupid bottlecaps, always philosophizing and making me bitter.
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I call them bottlecals apparently.
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I was going to make fun of you for it, but wanted you to realize it yourself, making it all the the more humiliating.
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Fly paper is cheap and works well. I wish there was fly paper that would catch Mondays and eat them.
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If there was one of those fly papers that caught Mondays and Tuesdays, I would pay a lot of money for that.
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I believe there’s a trillion dollar business opportunity waiting for someone who can invent it.
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Or for us claiming we “came up with the idea first” and claming a billion as our finder’s fee.
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FORTY years?! Holy crap!! 😉
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Yep, I’ve been wandering longer than Moses. At least he had some sort of direction by then.
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I inexplicably watched that venus fly trap .gif for approximately 2 minutes. And you can’t be not bitter about anything. Because then you wouldn’t have anything to blog about. And that would be bor-ing.
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I was quite mezmorized by the venus fly trap gif as well. I am watching it right now in fact, instead of working or concentrating on responding to comments. What were you trying to say again?
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Damnit Ben. Why did you have to reply? I just watched it forever again. Stop it.
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I’m bitter that I am accidently getting more views on my page by a stupid picture I stole from the internet than all of my terrible writing. Curse you Bitter Picture! (Raises fist at the sky in bitterness!)
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Surely you wouldn’t want to punch the professor?
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My book says what it says professor.
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Then you must revise it at once, young man!!!
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Yes professor sir! (Under my breathe) Always making me revise my writings and making me so bitter.
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😆
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