When I was growing up, one of my first memories was when I was 6 years old. My brother and I got home from an excersion of some sort(might have been a vacation trip or a trip to the grocery store. You expect me to remember? I was 6.) I was dressed in my Superman pajamas and my brother was in his Batman pj’s and we decided to go to our local elementry school to play in the sandbox, or save the world(again, can’t remember. I was 6.) Needless to say, my parents were a little worried and almost had to send a search party out to find us. When they did find us, they were upset. We were just playing in the sand in our pj’s and saving the world. Why in the world would they be freaked out?
I survived that near “disaster” until my 30’s where I was given the “opportunity” to be an adult leader on a winter scout trip. I was stupid enough to participate in the manly ritual of building a snow cave. Then I made the even dumber decision to actually sleep in the snow cave, and with 4 other guys, in the space that 4 hamsters could barely fit. Let’s just say that as a claustrophobe, I had a slightly bitter evening. And by slightly I mean colossal. So what do these two bitter experiences have in common? They both made me bitter. And they both happened outdoors.
Nothing good ever happens outdoors. Think about that for a moment. Then, think about your life and try to recall how much time you actually spend outdoors. Unless you camp for a living, you probably spend most of your time indoors. Typical day for me. Sleep indoors from midnight to 5:00 am. Get ready inside. Go outside for about 15 seconds, get in car. Drive to work. Go outside for 15 seconds, walk inside building. Work for like 32 hours. Reverse, do the hokey pokey, turn yourself around, go home. Watch TV while bitter blogging. If you are pretty good at math, you saw that about 1 minute total was spent outside.
Some say it renews your soul to go outside. Some say going outside gives them fresh air. Some say everything outside smells different. I say going outside renews your bitterness, but really I can be bitter anywhere. I say it smells different outside too. It smells like dead animals and decay. I say I can get fresh air from the air conditioning inside. If I want to view nature, I can look on my bitter screen TV and see it in 3D HD. Can nature promise things in 3D HD? Can nature promise that I won’t get mosquito bit, poison ivied, eaten by animals or stuck in a stupid snow cave? No.
Attend a sporting event outdoors? How about no. I live in a place where the baseball team has been horrible for a decade, the weather even in a heat wave has clouds, and I have a TV that offers me a much better view of the action than a $100 ticket would ever give me. And if the sun happens to make an appearance it shines right in your face so you can’t see the game. As if I would ever go to a boring baseball game.
Happiness outdoors is just a myth. Humans live inside for a reason. Sure bitterness can be found outdoors, but it is much easier to be bitter on your couch watching TV.
ARRRRGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Indoors Ben
FYI, If you missed yesterday’s post, I announced that I was featured on a Podcast reading with a monotone voice one of my old posts Wanted:A Bitter Rival to Feud With and also in another podcast about my Zombie Apocalypse. Check them out if you have nothing else to do and need something to help you sleep.
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- Bittercast (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- School carnival bitterness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Bitter Pictures of the Early Part of the Week (or Monday as I like to call it) (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
Pingback: Lost and Found Bitterness | Ben's Bitter Blog
I enjoy the outdoors when it is between 63 and 72 degrees with a slight breeze, no bugs, no rain, and plenty of sunscreen. So I’m just slightly less bitter than you are.
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Good thing those days happen perhaps one day a year here in Seattle.
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I might have a cure for your outdoor bitterness. I just spent 4 days camping in my parents camper. Being outdoors with all the inside comforts including air conditioning, real beds, and a full kitchen. If your feeling adventurous, you can put the TV, yes full tv with satellite, on the outside of the camper and sit out in nature while you watch!
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Even better is doing all that while on the inside of a structure called a house. That doesn’t move or have nature. You tried really hard and I appreciate that. But inside will always win for the lazy bitterman.
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were you texting while driving? is this the real story behind how this happened?
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Heavens no, I would never text while driving. Do tweets on Twitter, or post on Facebook or WordPress? Heavens yes.
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I thought it said at the beginning of this post that you and your brother got home from an exorcism. Now that would explain a lot!
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That would definitely explain why I was so bitter buy not explain my brother isn’t.
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Aw c’mon… the Mariners aren’t THAT bad…
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Have you ever seen them play? They fit this town perfectly. They bring a cloud where sun can be. They are the perfect team for bitterness. 116 wins and they can’t win the World Series?
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They didn’t!
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I think I’m bitter because I’m not a shut in after reading this post?
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Being a shut in is much safer than going out doors and having to face things.
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I’m going to guess here that you don’t go camping.
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I try to avoid it, but sometimes I have to go.
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Oh, Big Wheels! Once I stole the neighbor’s plastic fun (my stupid father only got us real bikes). I was pretty proud of myself. We used to ride sitting on the handle bars (don’t know why) and I was going top speed when the thing flipped forward and I fell off. The big wheel kept spinning on my back (it was summer so I was wearing a halter top). I got this huge burn and the air was knocked out of me. I bitterly returned the stolen property.
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Injuries and theft. Right up my bitter alley.
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Haha, I think reading in a monotone is key in sounding bitter and jaded, well done!
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I finally found something to use this monotone voice for. All my supervisors that listened to my customer service calls always said I should pep it up, to which I always said, “A bitter voice isn’t peppy.”
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haha I went through that too. How can I sound excited to talk to someone if I am ….not.
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My solution is to start a blog about bitterness and then people will expect the monotone bitter sound. Never say I do things the easy way.
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It’s all been worth it I’m sure
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Totally. I just like to do everything the hard way.
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Don’t get used to this or anything but this is one of my favorite posts that you’ve written. Great memories.
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I will never get used to your compliments. If you could put a bitter spin on this, that would be bitter.
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Awww Bitter Ben… I can’t support you on this one. Not only do I smoke, which happens always outdoors, but I also enjoy the warm air. Mostly because in the summer, people are idiots and think the temperature inside needs to be -45 degrees. Bitter BRRRRRRRRR right there.
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Don’t worry, no one supports me or has to agree with me. The disagreements bring about arguements, which brings about bitterness. Have fun melting in your outdoor heat.
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I’m so glad I realized how much better being indoors is as I grew up. I have a feeling the neighbors wouldn’t approve of me still riding my big wheel.
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Also good that you don’t get in snowcaves in your front yard now too.
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Nowadays if you go outside without SPF 500, you instantaneously get skin cancer. And breathe in smog. And get bit by mosquitoes and bees and whatnot. And my hairsprayed worked stripper hair that is the envy of all inside in air-conditioned building becomes limp in outside humidity. So I feel you. I will watch Bear Grylls tonight, starving and eating larvae in the tundra, from the comfort of my plush recliner. And your 3D pic looks better than any nature I’ve ever seen.
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The outdoors are way overrated. And the indoors of other places besides my couch. I’m not a fan of my work’s indoors because I always get sick here.
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How bitter are you about being the only kid in history to get stitches from riding a big wheel? You’re three inches off the ground, is it actually possible to injure oneself on one of these?
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But I didn’t even have my license to operate it, and hadn’t taken driver’s ed. Plus a daredevil like myself will get stiches every now and then.
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Those big wheels are so loud!
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As was I, so they made sense for me.
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I think most kids are loud as hell.
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Especially other people’s kids.
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Well, I don’t have kids, but I find every ones kids to be equally as loud. 🙂
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So for you, every kid is someone else’s kids. So that explains everything…or not.
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lol, it does. I’m just dumb today, it’s monday.
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I’m dumb most everyday, but most of all Tuesdays.
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I’m feeling extra dumb today. maybe it’s because I would rather just be at home sleeping.
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I’m feeling extra needing to be home not doing anything today.
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I feel extra bitter today, I am not supposed to feel that way, that’s your job.
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Send all the bitterness my way and I will absorb it to become a stronger bitterhero.
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Done and done. It’s a lot thought.
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I can take it. All of it. I am superbitterpowered.
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Now, I must needs to know. I’ve always wondered. Who is more powerful, Batman or Superman? I’m sure you and your brother fought it out!
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Well if you must know Superman is the most powerful as I destroyed my brother in any fight we had. Though he was annoying, so if you count both, the Superman is strongest, Batman, the most brooding. College Humor puts the whole thing to rest in a few videos you might like too.
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Hahaha. I see. So, it’s Superman. I thought that. But obviously, Batman’s brooding made Superman quite bitter–or brought out his bitter tendencies.
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Here is that college humor video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FywMOuMqNuI.
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😆 I understand everything now!
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Glad I could clear that up for you. .
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