Headquarters for the Zombie Apocalypse.
With the recent outbreak (get it?) of popular movies like World War Z and television shows like The Walking Dead people are worried about a zombie apocalypse. They should be worried. Though it appears that most of us are just normal, average, everday citizens, the Zombie Apocalypse is actually upon us right now. If you don’t believe me, come to Seattle, drive by any number of their hideouts called “Starbucks” or “Tully’s” and you can see them slowly meandering. Of course, after they leave these places they look like “normal citizens” but don’t be fooled. They are just taking some “magic medicine” to recover from a long night of zombying. Plus, it staves off their zombie selves during the day. Now that you know that there is in fact an outbreak to worry about, don’t worry. I have some advice for all those that are worried about survival.
You will need three things to survive. Tools, Gas, and Food. Take all these things in your house. When a zombie comes to your door, pretend to be totally scared and trip and fall. Get up, “almost” make it to your supplies and get infected, by allowing the zombie to eat your brain. Now that you have been infected, you are a zombie. And you have survived. No more stress about working out, eating right, or going to work. Everyone will know that you are a zombie and that you are to be avoided. There is nothing better for a bitter, passive aggressive person than having an excuse to avoid small talk.
At first, there may be some peer pressure from other zombies to “eat some brains” or “go infect some others to join the zombie cause”. Don’t fall for this. You may think that once you become a zombie that is “what you are supposed to do”. But what they don’t tell you, is not all zombies are front line material. Let the ones that go to Starbucks, the positive and enthusiastic ones, the ones that want to be famous, or the ones that want to suck up to their zombie bosses become the ones that get burned, axed, knifed and shot.
As soon as I get infected, couch, TV, zone out.
I am going to be the bitter and lazy zombie. I will be the one that sits on the couch, eating the food that I saved and watching TV. I will use tools that I gathered up to get my internet fired up so I can do my Ben’s Bitter Zombie Blog and tell the world about my bitter experiences about being a zombie, like when back really hurts from walking with a slight limp, or how there is never anything good on TV. It will complain bitterly about how it seems like the only thing on TV is the Zombie Outbreak of 2013, or entertainment shows like ZET (Zombie Entertainment Tonight). “On tonight’s show we explore the strange tweet of “Zombie Katherine Zeta Jones”. Is she having a zombie affair? Also, later in the show, when will we see the first photos of Zombie Baby North West?
The only reason Zombie Kim Kardashian looks like this? Lots of non Zombie makeup.
What will I use the gas for? I will save up the gas for road trips to the beach. Most of the gas will be looted by the “non infected” because they are trying to burn my fellow front line zombie bitter rivals. That means gas prices will go up. But I will have already horded the gas in my house. I will have so much, I may even sell it to the non infected for really high prices.
Here is where I am going for the Zombie Apocalypse.
And don’t worry, you can decide against following my advice and not embrace your zombie side. Go ahead and be on the run all the time. You may get in shape, but you will be stressed out all the time. As if your job isn’t stressful enough, now you have to go to a mall just to survive with your 5 annoying non zombie allies. You aren’t even friends. The only thing you have in common is that you are trying to survive being human. That sounds like is worth it. Just follow my advice and embrace the bitter things about being a zombie. Like complaining about celebrity reality zombie stars that are only famous because they got burned by a human on TV.
Arrrrggghhhh Brainzzzz
Bitter Zomben
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- About Zombies Part 2! (soipondered.wordpress.com)
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Ben's Bitter Blog 
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The thing is I think I would be really good at surviving the Zombie Apocalypse. I feel like my life thus far has been training me for such a disaster. So the impending Zombie doom might be my chance to be really popular. Everyone will be all like “Megan, you’re so great! Please let me live in your Zombie proof fortress!” and I’ll say “No!” unless I do like them or they bring me cookies as tribute.
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I would be one of the zombies not trying to go after you. I definitely would not want to go to your zombie proof house because it would hurt and I don’t know how to make cookies.
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Do zombies need sunscreen? And they can’t go in the water so wouldn’t going to the beach suck? If you’re drunk when a zombie eats your liver does the zombie get drunk? I have so many questions about zombie life…
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I did too, but then decided that being lazy zombie you don’t have to worry about much.
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Yes, I’ve seen those zombies, that’s why I rarely go into Starbucks. I’ve always wanted to narrate something zombie. Can I narrate for my podcast?
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I bitterly approve of you reading the Zombie on your podcast.
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Here is your bitterly done narration, a bitter thanks for letting me narrate it, http://kriskkaria.podbean.com/. I played a zombie grandma once and now I can bitterly say I’ve narrated a zombie story.
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The only difference between zombies and bitter people is that we complain more and louder.
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I have always found The Walmarts to be The Zombie Serengeti.
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Walmart is definitely where Zombies hang out. Serengeti? I don’t know what they means but I’m sure that is the correct usage that you just used.
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Maybe you will find everyone taking off on your idea. Too bad you can’t be the Bitter Ben Lazy Zombie Movie Director and make some money off this awesome take on the universe! But alas, you would not want to direct unless they had a couch and the pizza/food cart lowered to coffee table level. Just nod, point and eat while the movie promotes laziness. But somehow I believe that lazy zombies may stay thin, after all, if brains somehow feed the running ones, maybe junk food cold be the “go to” food (or “to go” food!) for Lazy Zombies! Always a bitter sweet visit.
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I thought about doing a movie about it. Maybe instead of directing, I will write it and take credit for how awful it is. It’s has always been a dream of mine to write a Hollywood Box Office Bomb.
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Watch out! How can you know that your personality doesn’t change as a zombie? May be you become accidentally merry – and than? Ben’s happy zombie blog? How does that sound…..
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Nope I think bitter zombie blog sounds right up my alley.
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There I was, looking to store supplies, when I realized that coffee was high on my list–Damn, I may already be a zombie.
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And I am not, but will be soon when the coffee drinking people come steal my brains. Though I am low on the list of brains because I severely lack them.
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My boyfriend and I often joke around and talk about our ‘preparations’ and what we’d do when (yes when, not if! lol) the Zombie apocalyps happens 🙂
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I decided a while ago that it wasn’t really worth it to fight it. It always seemed like the zombies were having more fun anyways. Plus I am just lazy.
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OMG I have to thank you Bitter Ben, I have been a zombie all these years and I didn’t know it, I frequent one of their hiding places almost daily! No wonder people are always saying “Friends don’t let friends go to Starbucks.” Oh darn, I guess that also explains why I have no friends, with the exception of you of course Bitter Ben. I suppose this will also end my quest to meet Brad Pitt too, that is if I wish to remain one of the walking dead.
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Actually Brad Pitt is a zombie. Have you see him act? Not much in those dead eyes of his. Plus he goes to Starbucks a lot.
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See I don’t know why more people don’t prescribe the Ben’s School of Bitterness? This makes absolute sense to just accept your fate as a zombie and enjoy it. Stay out of the limelight kick back
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I know right? Why wouldn’t one want to be more educated on how to be better at bitter? Why would someone want to be a zombie that chased people all the time? Doesn’t it get kind of tiring always chasing people? Now that you are a zombie you don’t have to go to a job. Just sit around and relax for once.
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I think I’d be good at being a zombie, aside from the running around all the time and eating brains. I wonder if I could collect disability.
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I would just be a lazy zombie that didn’t run all the time. Maybe eat something besides brains, like pizza.
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I never thought about it this way, and (if you watched the movie “Warm Bodies” you can eventually get your heart to beat again (through love), and sort of stave off the mindless zombie brain eating…
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Can you get your heart to beat again through bitterness? I’m pretty sure I would stay a zombie and just be bitter that someone ate my brains.
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No…I guess you’d be screwed…thank god you’d be a lazy zombie.
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I would be a zombie that avoided not only other zombies but also non zombies. What a great lonely existance that would be.
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You could watch tons of Breaking Bad in a very short period of time.
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If I had the desire to I definitely would. But I am lame, lazy and boring. So I will torture you by pretending to almost watch it but always making excuses as to why I am not watching a show about people cooking meth.
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The professor doesn’t have a zombie side. At least, I don’t think so.
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Well, Professor, you need to try it out. It’s pretty chill and you can quit your job, because no one wants a zombie hanging out almost eating your brains all the time.
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But if I turned zombie the occupants of the Punchy Lands would put me to death, methinks.
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Luckily as a zombie you would already be dead. And also, there are plenty of Zombies that will take the bullet for you, while you chill out at home.
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Hmm… That’s true. But Lemony wouldn’t like it…
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Lemony is into unfortunate events so he would probably enjoy it.
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😆 That true..
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I feel like I would live through a zombie apocalypse and that it would actually be awesome if there were zombies, because they would eat all of the stupid people. Plus, I would get to take out my pent up aggression on zombies. Win win.
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I would be the non stressed out zombie that wouldn’t be attacking anyone because I have better things to do. Sitting on the couch. Did you get everyone the bitter stare at Walmart yesterday?
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I ended up not going, but I did practice for when I go tonight. I’m already weird when I go there any how. I do flash mob dances in the aisles. I love it.
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As long people give you bitter looks for doing it, it’s cool with me.
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I think that they just think I am handicapped or something. I give their staring kids bitter looks, and that shuts em up pretty quick.
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I would actually hope to make those kids cry while the parents aren’t looking then quietly slip into another aisle.
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lol, I have come pretty close. I glared at this one small kid because he was looking at my mortal kombat shirt. I pointed at another kid that was staring and they told their parents. I just walked away.
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Passive aggressiveness at its finest.
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I guess that is true. I often try to be more aggressive than passive.
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I am definitely a passive aggressive.
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Better than just passive. 🙂
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It is my favorite way to annoy people, because it is so subtle it is like mind control.
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That’s manipulation lol
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All I can think about now is plants vs. zombies and the guy in the white t-shirt bitching about the zombies being in his yard. That was you, wasn’t it?
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I’m the zombie in the background not attacking the plants. I am one of the smart ones not getting mowed over.
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Or stepping on a rake?
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Nope lazy zombie that doesn’t do anything.
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Good read. I have to get back to my TV show: Zombie five-O
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I’ve been to that Zombie Island. Lots of bitter pineapple.
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As a zombie, you wouldn’t have to worry about being bitten by sand fleas on the beach.
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I wouldn’t have to worry about much. Since most of the worker zombies were doing all the recruiting I would be laying on the beach getting fat.
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I would be a bitter zombie as well (always complaining about the celeb reality zombies). Very funny.
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Stupid Zombie Kardashian and her no Zombie talents.
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Haha! Ugh, need me some magic medicine right now.
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Careful of the zombies that enter those places.
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I always wondered what was so bad about becoming a zombie and living forever, too… It certainly beats trying to escape from one.
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I always just didn’t think constantly running seems like a very fun activity for a lazy dude.
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