Sometimes it is just easier to have someone else do things for you.
Doesn’t it make you bitter when you just want someone else to do your work for you, because you are lazy? Well, not only am I lazy, but I am incompetent. I don’t know anything about cars, except how to operate the windshield wipers. And even those I get confused with. Which button makes them go slow and which makes them go medium? How about really fast for those occasional monsoons? I ponder things like this not all. So when it comes to getting my oil changed I usually go to an oil change facility. But when I leave it seems like the car is even more messed up than when I got there. I wonder why….
I was texting someone this very thing on the way home yesterday!
Speaking of texting and driving, I was texting someone yesterday while going 103 and I was getting all these really bitter stares from other drivers who were wondering why I kept running over bikers. It wasn’t because I am bitter about them, (though I am), but because I was just trying to avoid a speeding red turtle shell. I didn’t want to get run over by the shell, so I was polite and collided with other cars instead. They kept waving their fingers at me, so I could tell they understood.
I like to bring awareness to my bitterness.
For passive aggressive people like me who have a hard time expressing themselves bitterly to the ones they are closest to (the car behind them), someone invented Bumper Stickers. They are many things, but mostly a good way to annoy other people when they are looking up from their cell phones. They are also a permanent way to make your car worthless for resale (Mondale for President 1984?). The biggest thing of all though, is that it is a way for people who aren’t funny to show that permanently.
And that, my Bitter People, is why I don’t pay attention when I am driving.
Arrrrggghhhhh
Bitter Picture Ben
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I laughed a lot about this post, Bitter Ben! Thanks for the humor dose and see some more of you later. Am returning a movie, while on vacation, to the library!!
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How dare you interrupt your reading of my blog for your vacation and returning stuff to a library. Arrrhhhhggggh!
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Can you imagine what your car would smell like if you actually poured oil all over it ? It is scary to imagine… You can tell I’m bitter about bad smells, especially coming from people… 😦
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I can imagine. It would smell like every car I’ve ever had.
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On the subject of car ignorance: Took my car to a mechanic who asked if it had an overhead cam. I didn’t KNOW and knew I was about to get gouged. Is there an underhead cam?
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No just underhanded mechanics ripping people off.
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Hilarious 🙂 Thanks for this!!
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And a bitter almost Fourth of July to you. Because it is the third of July.
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Thank you… a bitter almost 4th of July to you too…have a good one 🙂
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I will have a bitter one.
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I suspect that engine might be bitter.
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It was filled with bitter motor oil, so yep it is bitter.
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Bitter text glares are the worst. It’s not your fault other drivers are incompetent when it comes to texting and driving.
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I’m a better text driver than most people are attentive drivers. I’m really good at shutting down highways too.
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Bitterly funny as usual. Not sure if this is on a bumper sticker but I’ve seen it on Men’s t shirts mostly; “Please tell your breasts to stop staring at my eyes”. I think that’s brilliant! 🙂
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I think women need to stop harassing us like that. Women….
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I’ve been in 3 accidents. None my fault. All 3 totaled my cars. The last one was a text-driver.
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That accident caused the worst week of my life. Sorry about the text-driver. I will make sure to stop texting if I ever run into you.
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Your turtle shell comment reminded me of a twitter post someone made in which he said he never stopped his car to remove turtles from the middle of the road because he was always afraid they might be in a race.
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I especially hate when I am chased by a blue turtle shell with spikes. It seems like they are always causing multiple accidents 100% of the time.
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The girl in the gif is adding vinegar and oil to a salad, right?
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She thinks the car is salad yes, but she is adding motor oil to it. Perhaps she could be a Miss USA candidate?
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Spot on!
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Her talent would be in spreading oil on cars.
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And hey, where’s my guest blog?
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I know, bitter patience my dear.
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You’re definitely cognitively damaged!
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Stop using such larger words. They are damaging my already cognitively damaged brain!
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I love it when people have tried to remove their god-awful bumper stickers, only gotten it partially off, and left the rest. Bet they got bitter over that, when really they should have been bitter over just having one to begin with. LOVED this entry.
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I hope they are bitter, because that is the point right? Making everyone bitter and getting a little themselves?
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Of course it is! 🙂
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The ones with the little stick-figure families are the worst. And the famous scientists’ quotes, I mean really?! ……..no you’re right, they’re all horrible.
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They are all horrible except the ones that are not horrible.
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Geez… It sounds like you drive the same way all the tourists here from Ohio do!
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Why would anyone from Ohio want to go there? I though New Yorkers would drive like that there.
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Actually, the NYers aren’t that bad. For some reason, people from Ohio CAN’T DRIVE.
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I think you are an OHIOist. Such an OHIOist.
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You are just too bitterly funny!
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Definitely bitter anyways.
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Running over bikers is cool. I’m surprised nobody shouted at you though.
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They were afraid I would run them down too.
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OMG.
I am peeing down my leg.
Awesomeness.
I’d be the one lookin up and reading the bumper sticker, rushing to speed by the driver and flip him off. Only to stop at the next store and by the same dang bumper sticker! HA!
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You should go clean yourself up. Peeing on ones leg has a tendency to make them bitter. At least you are in the right place for that. Someday you will have me as your bitter bumper sticker supplier.
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Let me know when the store is up and running!
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Here’s the good news. It won’t be for years. So you will have time to build up your bitterness.
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Ewww. 🙂
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LOVE the girl in the GIF…laughed too much at this post. Guess you won this round. Your nemesis has no ill comments to make. But don’t start GLOATING, or shall concede my concession and propel my remote-controlled flaming vehicle, covered in OIL with a DUKAKIS bumper sticker straight into your living room! 🙂
Peace out…
TenaciousBITCH
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I look bitterly forward to future matches.
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As do I…dear fellow…:)
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My favorite bumper sticker was on a beater car. It read: “The Earth does not belong to man, man belongs to the Earth.” As I was reading it, the driver rolled down a window and tossed out a McDonald’s bag.
That made me bitter.
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Was it on Earth day? There is no better way to celebrate it by watching a Disney Movie while littering.
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If I ever see that car again, I’ll pass along your thoughts.
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I will be glad to run it down too.
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Bumper stickers are definitely vexing, worthless, and so un-funny that they’re funny?
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I just love when people have their Dukakis for President stickers still stuck on their cars because they can’t get them off.
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Ah ha! So that’s the reason!
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There are many reasons/
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My unfunny bumper sticker just says the name of my blog. Since I added it to my car, the number of times I’ve been cut off and honked at has increased 300%.
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I was actually thinking of putting mine on there too. Then when my car gets totalled, then the cops will be able to know what to blame for the accident.
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I’m a bit bitter that my brother the mechanic now lives on the other side of the world to me. I miss having someone I could call when smoke started gushing out the exhaust or knocking noises started under the bonnet.
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The solution to that is this. Move to where he lives…or mail your car to him.
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Leading cause of car accidents: turtle shells. Ain’t that the damn truth.
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The leading cause of the one accident I was in? Stupid kid going to prom, running a red light…with a red turtle shell.
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Oh Ben..as usual I am holding my sides with laughter!
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I hope you were reading this while driving. Then you can avoid those pesky bumper stickers.
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🙂
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I have several favorites when it comes to bumper stickers. When I lived in California, I bought one that said, “Welcome to California, now go home.” The one that said, “If you’re not a hemorrhoid get off my ass” was a good one, but it attracted too many speeding tickets for the driver. It seems that law enforcement gets steamed when they’re behind a car with that bumper sticker.
I understand your frustration with fixing things. I can break anything with gears just by using it.
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My purpose in life isn’t creating, it is destroying. That is why I would make a good evil guy in a movie.
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There are lots of men who want to be the bad guy in a movie. Why is that?
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Because it comes to natural to us.
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You’ve explained the mysterious human male and why he always insists he’s right–even if he’s so far out of the ball park he’s feeding polar bears in the arctic.
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The male is not a mysterious creature like the female creature is. We like food, not working, being lazy, sitting on the couch a remote control, not talking on the phone…pretty simple. We also like feeding polar bears in the arctic.
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That explains the problem with men having a lack of common sense.
You also explained why polar bears are on the endangered species list.
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We also have terrible senses of direction.
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This is where you’ll laugh. I’m the one who won’t ask directions. It’s my husband who insists on asking, and if he has to ask it’s usually because the person who gave the directions didn’t do it right. That person is usually me.
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As Tim the Tool Man once said, the reason we have a better sense of direction is because we have more iron in our boogers.
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I like the cars with bumper stickers that cover the entire back windshield, providing extra safety, and something good to read at the stop lights:)
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I like the fact that they are so distracting that I sometimes look up from texting.
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I laughed entirely too much while reading this post. I may be slightly delirious from lack of sleep. Or it’s just the weirdness of Tuesdays…
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It’s just Tuesday. And the fact that you laugh all the time. It had nothing to do with the words, just that girl that was dumping the oil all over her car.
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You know me a little too well. Have we been talking too much lately? lol
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There you go laughing again.
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😀
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I hate spending money on getting my oil changed, since I know how to do it myself but I’d rather not. Same goes with anything else on it, I don’t know anything about american made cars, other than they are made so you have to take them in to get them fixed because they are a pain in the ass to do yourself!
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I think the girl in the gif figured she could change it herself. I now know I can do it myself by following her instructions.
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Lol, sure, give it a go, she looks pretty smart 😉
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I shall post her video up in my bitter YouTube channel for all the people that crave advice on how to change their oil by themselves.
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i want this bumper sticker
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I am starting my own line of permanently scarring bumper stickers.
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