Super Bitterness for real

/ bensbitterblog
My facebook would be full of selfies if I was the Supes.

My Facebook would be full of selfies if I was the Supes.

I am so bitter that my Android phone posted that Super Bitterness before I was ready to post.  Arrrghhh!  Now I am Super Bitter at my phone and WordPress for allowing my phone to post something before it was ready.  So without further ado, here is the first paragraph that you have already read, with additional content, like other words and maybe a picture or two with snarky remarkies.

In honor of me staying up until midnight to watch The Man of Steel because I aspire to be an outsider from another planet and destroy things with ease, I am going to list some reasons why I’m bitter I am not Superman.

I’m bitter because I couldn’t use those laser eyes to cut down the blackberry bushes next to our property.  In fact maybe I would use my Super abilities to burrow under the earth  and cut them out with the roots.

Superman's ultimate nemesis ,the evil blackberry bushes and their evil stickers. Stronger than even kryptonite.

Superman’s ultimate nemesis ,the evil blackberry bushes and their evil stickers. Stronger than even kryptonite.

I’m bitter because I couldn’t use my Super Speed to spin the earth backwards a few hours so this post didn’t get destroyed by my phone.

I’m bitter because I can’t use my Super Breath to play petty pranks on people like blowing rainclouds on places like Phoenix and Sunshine on Seattle.

I’m bitter because I can’t use my freeze breath to make it snow in the summer in places like Charleston, SC or Miami, Florida.

I’m bitter because I’m not a scrub on the bench for the Spurs so I could stand in lane and take a charge from Lebron James and have him realize that he wasn’t the strongest person in the universe.

I’m bitter because I don’t have the excuse that I can’t save anyone today because I live in Seattle and I can’t see the sun.

You're next Omaha! It's for the sake of the world, so sacrifices must be made!

You’re next Omaha! It’s for the sake of the world, so sacrifices must be made!

I’m bitter because I can’t destroy major cities like Metropolis or Omaha, Nebraska and claim it was for “saving the world”.

I’m bitter because I can’t use my heat vision to warm up my toast in the morning.

I’m bitter because I can’t use my super speed to write snarky tweets on Twitter.  (Example: Have you seen Zod’s Haircut?  Those Caeser’s haircuts are so younger Clooney.)

This is where my Fortress of Bittertude will be.

This is where my Fortress of Bittertude will be.

I’m bitter because I don’t have a fortress of Bittertude in Hawaii.  (The north pole? Really dad?  You couldn’t put it in Hawaii?)

I’m bitter because I had to wait and hour in line, watch 30 minutes of previews before the previews and then watch 24 minutes of actual previews before we got to the 3D previews.  So I waited as long for the movie as the actual movie was.

I’m very bitter that I don’t have my laser vision for fixing the road repairs and getting the money that they construction crews claim it should have cost to do the construction.

I am the most Super Bitter that my lazycation is almost over.

Arrrghhhh

Bitter Ben

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42 thoughts on “Super Bitterness for real”

  1. I was being bitter about blackberry vines myself today and Googled “blackberry vines are evil”. Which lead me to your page. I just copied your picture and quoted you on my Facebook.

    I live in Vancouver. I believe the same vine is in both of our yards.

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    • Oh wow, I can’t believe I made it on someone’s Facebook! I feel like a celebrity and I totally can’t stand the Blackberries. Good luck to you in your fight against the evil Blackberry plague.

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  2. Pingback: Bitter Ben Kryptonite | Ben's Bitter Blog

  5. Shape up Bitter Boy! Drop the attitude and the bitter back biting and blog bashing. Have a cupcake and live life on the sweet side for a change. I do, and I haven’t had a bitter moment since they retired the Hostess Twinkie. Try some chocolate frosting. It’s the antidote for rain, malfunctioning technology and being without a date on a Saturday night.

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  8. I have been heard to mutter, Do we get a movie with this? after about the fourth or fifth trailer. Of course, there are so many trailers because by the time you get to the movie, even if you hate the first minute, you can’t get your money back from the theatre because technically you’ve been watching the movie for more than twenty minutes. Now that’s worth chewing someone’s tie off…

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  10. Along with the fact that I can’t stand theaters (eternal bitterness re that), I’d be super bitter over all those pre-previews, mid-previews, and real previews. Superman would boil the lovely seas at the fortress with his special laser eyes. Could result in some extra bitter feelings!

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  11. sorry you’re bitter ben, but this makes me happy because i thought it was due to my lack of tech superpowers that i couldn’t read your whole post. good to know it was that evil android’s fault

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  12. Yeah, wondered what had happened as first part of the first sentence got published, then another part, and that was it! I thought, wow, a very powerful one line post! Yipee! Made me much less bitter!

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