Talking Bitterness

/ bensbitterblog
Yeah that pre-school must have been really hard to play through. What is next graduation for a baby making it out of their mom's stomach? Will they be speaking at that?

The Tassel is definitely not worth my Hassel of showing up at your graduation.

I had my typically bitter Tuesday yesterday.  Even though I am on “vacation”, I had to attend two graduations.  And I’m not talking about college or high school.  I’m not even talking B.I.T.T.E.R. school of Bitterness(you degraduate with dishonors there.)  We are talking a graduation from Pre-school and a graduation from a fictional pioneer school that my daughter was indoctrinated in for the last two weeks.  It wasn’t humiliating enough that she had to wear pioneer clothes for two weeks. They were also taught that if they spoke out in class they would be smacked on the back of their hands by a ruler and put in the corner with the dunce cap on.  I am so offended by this.  Why would they have to go back to the 1800’s to steal this idea? They could have just asked me to describe my school days.  Or gone back to the VCR tape to see all the dunce caps I wore in high school. I still have bed head from all the dunce cap wearings and and oblong scar on my hand from the ruler beatings.  I’m glad of the reminders of my need of revenge against all my former teachers, principles, and co-students. They don’t call me Revengerman for nothing.

Notice I told people to stop talking. I like to live dangerously and bitterly.

Notice I told people to stop talking. I like to live dangerously and bitterly.

The bitterness I have from Tuesday isn’t from those reminders but with all these graduations and the talking. I’ve mentioned on a couple of occasions that there is a study that suggests (and by suggests I mean, I say it’s true) that men talk about 7000 words a day and women are about 20,000 words.  These are just the facts.  Do I believe these findings? Not on your life. I think that is so wrong to suggest that women only speak 20,000 a day.  A few speak less, but I guarantee you that I know for a fact(evidenced by my opinion) that most of them speak infinity words more than that.  In fact, if you were to speak fast and 40 words per second, every second of every day, what would that equal?  A Google?

I also know people(like me) that speak way less than 7000.  I know of at least two people that I have worked with, one over a year and one 5 or 6 that have probably spoken like five words between them to me.  That is still too much.  I would suggest that if someone talks to me with a word, and looks at me with any type of reaction they are communicating with me too much.  It is my hope that I be like Will Smith in that one movie I AM Legend, where he is with his dog and that is it.  (I haven’t seen the movie, but I assume that he doesn’t meet anyone else in the entire movie and that he doesn’t talk to his dog?  Am I right?)

Forever alone. Is that too much to ask?

Forever alone. Is that too much to ask?

What I am trying to say I want to be that Legend.  And by that I mean don’t talk to me.  With words or non verbal words.  Oh and don’t graduate from something, because then I might have to attend it.  And listen to words.

Arrghhhhh

Bitter No Talky to me Ben

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89 thoughts on “Talking Bitterness”

  1. You tapped a vein of universal bitterness, here. Nobody really likes graduations. They remind us of our 3 year old, 17 year old, and 22 year old hopes and dreams. The ones that turned out to be unrealistic considering our talents. Pure bitterness, right? Tough.

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    • I just say show me the money. I don’t care about the stupid degree. Besides, who does exactly what they studied in college? My dad’s major was Asian studies and he had a career in computers. Go figure.

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  2. Can I be the Unvaledictorian at the School of Bitterness? I have never declared a major, I have never gone to the campus, I have never attended a class, and if I am the unvaledictorian I will never become a member of the Alumni Association. I think I qualify.

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  4. now see if you were blissfully absentminded like I am, you would never even hear about the pre-school graduations until they were already over. Then you could be bitter that you missed it.

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    • You bitter believe made up words are part of the school! You definitely need some bitterness as you are partially happy sometimes. I figure we could make some space for one who needs a lot of help!

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  9. What the hell? They hit your kid? Did you beat them?! Beat them hard?

    I think in I Am Legend he does meet people… but I might be mixing it up with another movie so as to make one huge movie that I disliked instead of two separate ones. But no he def talks to the dog… like Tom Hanks spoke to Wilson (which spoiler alert was a volleyball). That is still one of the biggest letdowns in movie history for me, I truly believe he should have risked his life to save that volleyball, he was bat shit crazy by that point, maybe it was because I loved Wilson so much more than Tom Hanks WILSONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN).

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    • They talked about what it was like. They better not have hit the kid or I will burn the school down with all the teachers in it. I didn’t see I am Legend, so I just assume that it is how I imagined in my head. You totally ruined Castaway for me, I almost saw some of it between my naps.

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      • You haven’t seen Castaway? Well I did totally ruin it for you… but I didn’t tell you the end end end which is a total shock. Wilson stuff just happened in the middle.

        I agree burning it is the only option you have at that time. Why would they even bring that up? Graduation is weird and super boring. People that tell me they are going to Pre-K graduations make me roll my eyes. I try not to but I think it’s stupid. I guess I have to have a kid to know that it isn’t.

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  10. You are wrong on I Am Legend, by the way. On both counts.

    And you should put your bitterness aside for one day while you fake a happy face for preschool graduation and pioneer school “graduation,” which is slightly oxymoronic to me. Why would one “graduate” to the days of living with no air conditioning??! C’mon, man…

    Oh wait… It sounds like I’m helping your bitter cause. Oops.

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  11. At my son’s school, they have MONTHLY assemblies where the principle talks ENDLESSLY. I estimate that she probably uses about four million words a day.
    I didn’t talk the entire time I read your blog…
    Your bitterness has demotivated me to speak.
    Well done!

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      • Yeah, a bit. I know deep down you’re bubbling forth some major happiness-it’s just bursting to come out and overflow and take over the world. Hehe. I have to go back and reread that amusement park blog again. Everytime I think about it, I start laughing!

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        • Fame is over! Although I do have an idea for a post that may include you and some other famous bloggers. It’s no personal post just for you, but it is bitter than nothing.

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        • Haha! Fame is not over. It’s just beginning! I’m only kidding. Hey, did you see there is a movie called “The Bitter Buddha”?? I think I saw it in Redbox. Made me think maybe you are up to something, you know, doing some movie directing you haven’t told us. I’m calling you out on this one Ben!!

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        • How did you know I was going into movie directing? I have big ambitions with that most underappreciated of words. Movies, TV shows, blogs, etc. I am excited for you to be the first one to rent it!

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  15. Is leaving a comment talking to you??? Did I ever mention that all dog owner talk with their dogs? Live is full of questions today, you’ve confused me ?-?-?

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  20. Got my daughter’s Pre-K “graduation” tonight. Totally bitter about that. I spent 10 minutes watching her tug at the crotch of her tights for last ceremony just months ago. She doesn’t even understand Oh, The Places You’ll Go. She’d rather go to the ice cream place.

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  21. Well, crap, we’re not supposed to communicate with you, but I’m female, so I have to at least type 1000 words to get the estrogen out of my system. I’m just giving you props for your dazzling glittery tassel image. I assume that after uploading it, you immediately drank a Sea Breeze and did jazz hands. However, I now have a yearning for you to stick it on the Hoff and make a David Tasselhoff.

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  24. I agree with you 100% about the value of fewer words. Those words we don’t utter are ALWAYS our most profound (by the way, lest you consider me less profound than I AM, notice that I never uttered those words OUTLOUD . . . comments on your post don’t count because, get real here BITTER-BEN, who besides me has time for such drivel anyway???)

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  25. Oh, BB, you are so funny in your bitterness. My 6th grade teacher sat behind us and zinged sharp edged tissue boxes at out heads. A couple years later he gave a boy a concussion when he rammed his head into the blackboard, and was asked to leave.
    As for all the graduation ceremonies, announce the discovery of a chronic back problem that is aggravated by lengthy sitting in uncomfortable seats. Then graciously show up for any reception afterwards, eat the food, then leave when your back begins to act up again.

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  26. May you have a bitter day
    more bitterness to come your way
    Bitterly you are my friend
    hence bitterly I’m here til the end
    over a bitter cup of coffee
    or bitter words I speak
    I’m sending a bitter hug
    in case you’re bitterly weak.

    A bitter smile attached
    Belinda

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